Dr. Schitz slips Nurse Violent the Korv* while she goes for a taste of Yam Man's trouser zucchini
Brittney's DNA Suspicions Confirmed by Dirty Dan
Wow, was Brittney ever right when she said she suspected that there was more to the DNA scrambling in the petri dishes containing her offspring than Dr. Schitz would admit. The Princess of Darkness slipped into Dr. Schitz' DNA lab while the doc was out to lunch and asked assistant DNA manipulator Dr. Daria Morgendorffer to give up the goods about what she knew. "Daria, you aren't a drunken moron like Dr. Schitz," Brittney said. "So I trust you to tell me the truth." "Very well," Daria sighed. "But you won't like it." Daria took Brittney into the viewing room and turned on the video player. Onscreen appeared Dr. Schitz, Nurse Violent, and Yam Man drinking Mad Dog 20/20. Daria appeared momentarily to ask Nurse Violent if she really ought to be drinking such substances while pregnant. "Oh, absolutely," Dr. Schitz said. "You see, Daria, alcohol is actually good for the offspring of a succubus." "Well, then may I suggest that she drink Absolut instead of that swill," Daria said before leaving. "Thankfully that was my only appearance in this horror show," Daria said. "And I'm ashamed to even be seen in it for that amount of time." After Daria left, Dr. Schitz and Yam Man became obviously drunker. They called in Dr. House, who also commenced to drinking with them. While Dr. House began mixing new DNA into the petri dish that would eventually become Shorty Slash, Nurse Violent became hornier by the minute, groping Dr. Schitz and Yam Man lustfully. "You aren't jealous, are you, Schitzy?" Yam Man asked. "No. I'm relieved. There's nothing more randy than a pregnant succubus," Dr. Schitz said. "Maybe you can help me satiate her for a while." "Well hell, I'm always glad to help a friend!" said Yam Man. Brittney stared in horror as Dr. Schitz and Yam Man got busy with Nurse Violent. Her expression became even more horrified when Dr. House opened up the other two petri dishes. He then pulled a fourth petri dish from his medical bag and took out a couple more DNA test tubes. "Hey Schitzy, I have an idea," he said. At that moment, both Dr. Schitz and Yam Man reached climax. The results ended up on Nurse Violent, Dr. House, and in the petri dishes. "I'll be back in a minute after I bathe in Mr. Spleen," Dr. House said. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Brittney screamed. "Oh, Master, how could you have allowed such a travesty? This is worse than I thought! Not only do I have one child whose DNA includes that of a homicidal garden gnome, but all three of them have the DNA of Dr. Schitz, and worse, Yam Man! Heads are gonna roll!" With that, Brittney stormed from the viewing room. "Oh dear," Daria said. "I get the feeling that this place is going to be trashed way worse than the time that the Chickenator got loose. I think we're talking nuclear wasteland here!" All I have to say is that if Nurse Violent needs any extra man meat while Dr. Schitz is laid up recovering from Brittney's onslaught, she can call me anytime at 666-DRTY-DAN! Dirty Dan
Hot Roman Goddess Voluptas Lays Death Cheese Studs Flat
by Chuck Ruttheimer
Hey sexy babes and horny dudes! When the goddess Voluptas, who is the daughter of Psyche and Cupid, approached Axe Man and his half brothers the WWF Wannabes at the Death Cheese Wrecks the Coloseum show, the guys thought they'd hit the jackpot. I can sure understand that--a horny babe that wants to take on three dudes? ROWR!!!! FEISTY!!!! But after six straight hours of sex, even these super-studs had to admit defeat. But Voluptas was still ready to bang the gong. I bet me and King Smut can help her with that! And since Chuck Junior is standing at full attention, I'll see all you sex fiends later!
Spinal Tap are (Left to Right) Derek Smalls, Nigel Tufnel, and David St. Hubbins. Nigel was born February 5, 1948 making him 61 this year
Duff McKagan of Velvet Revolver (formerly of Guns n Roses) was born February 5, 1964. He is 45.
Alice Cooper was born February 4, 1948. He is 61.
Lord Iffy was born February 14, 1958. He is celebrating his birthday all month. Lord Iffy is the singer. His fellow band members are other members of the Straight Transvestites Club, including big bad Leprechaun Kizz Myass on the accordion.
Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 20: The Mother of All Rockin' Birthday Bashes by A Fungus From Yuggoth
When Lord Iffy woke up this morning he was in high spirits as he gathered the Spiffies together.
"Totty, as you know, my birthday is Valentines Deay," he said. "But one will be celebrating all month. And this weekend will be an especially powerful celebratiohn because some of one's cracking mates in the rock world aaare celebrating their birthdays. We'll be having the bash to end all bashes at the Venusdome tonight. Bloh myself! Hoh simply spectaculaaar, one must seay! Why, we will be celebrating the birthdeay of none uhthah than Nigel Tufnel of the jolly splendid Spinal Tap. One of one's oldest and deaaarest mates is Nigel. Haaard to believe he'll be sixty-one. Then again, soh is one's old boy Alice Coohpah. One of one's jolly favorite yanks is spiffing old Alice. Then we've Duff McKagan of Velvet Revolvah. Anuhthah spiffing yank, Duff is. Still ah young buck toohh. Fie forty-five this yeaaar. And we'll have absolutely the group of staaars to wish them many jolly returns. Mystik Spiral will be performing. Ectoplasm Attack will be there and one heaaars that Spoohky has invited one of his musician friends from the material world to teaaar things up. Kid Rock will be joining us. That should be simply pukkah! And then of course the mighty Deahth Cheese will finish things orf with ah bang. Oh, totty, what crumpets, jam and teah it will be! Of course one and some of one's friends will be performing as well to giz everything that simply spiffing touch. Noh, let's mustah ready. The shuttle to the Venusdome should be aaarriving at any minute. Heavens above! How smashing!"
Axe Man swigs space mead and tries to bust into the craft of Lammy or some clone Lammys to get a piece of ass. Fortunately Buzzoff is on hand to save Axe Man's fool ass
The Vogons stopped by to give Death Cheese a ride but complained all the way about the "whyavfgqusness of the majority of the performers."
"I have never seen such a deplorable lack of Splunge!" moaned Viceroy Fyjuw Camltow. "Between that McKagan fellow and Ectoplasm Attack, there is already a veritable black hole of quasi-gazjorousness in this line-up. Add to that the semi-jatyferousness of the likes of Mystik Spiral. Top this off with the unparalleled zajury of Kid Rock. The slight tinge of Splunge in Spinal Tap's repertoire can hardly make up for this..."
"I cannot believe you would accuse Spinal Tap of the glorificosity of Splunge!" interrupted Demi-Viceroy Xdd Nutt. "They are the veritable valmores of the music world. Splunge Lite is giving them far too much credit. Though they are not nearly so eyotrious as Ectoplasm Attack. They are, however, almost as dozlowerous as Mystik Spiral."
"Still, we shall partake of the maloferous strains of Death Cheese this night," said Viceroy Camltow. "It makes the yeomac rise to my slovah to think of it."
When Axe Man beheld the two clone Lammys in the shuttle pulling up alongside the Vogon craft, his Norwegian wood stood up and took notice.
"Lammys! Extra good ass!" he declared.
He took a swig of space mead, opened the airlock, and jumped out onto the space craft with intent to chop his way in and get a piece. Fortunately for Axe Man, Buzzoff was paying attention. Because although the space mead granted him the ability to breathe in space and withstand the far below freezing temperatures, he had no ability to fly or navigate his way around the icy vacuum. Buzzoff also leapt out the airlock and flapped up to Axe Man on his leathery wings.
"Come along, Axe Man. We'll see them in the VenusDome," he said in his agreeable way. That Buzzoff is certainly a nice byakhee. He always goes for the diplomatic approach.
Bartender Tiffany pals around with Kid Rock
Upon arrival, Bartender Tiffany was awaiting with drinks for all. Kid Rock had already taken her up on the offer of a beer and they posed for a picture together.
"Great jacket, Kid," Buzzoff said.
"Thanks, Buzzoff," Kid Rock said. "I hope we'll be jamming together tonight."
"Of course we will!" Buzzoff said. "But what I can't wait for is the Big Bass Jam. Now, though Nigel and David usually play guitar, as you know, when they play Big Bottom, they all play bass. As a bassist myself, I'm just so thrilled to be invited to provide a fourth bass."
"And with Duff McKagan being one of the guests of honor and a bassist, well, there's a fifth bass," said Kid Rock.
"Of course Cliff Burton of Ectoplasm Attack will provide a sixth bass," said Buzzin.
"Don't forget Max from Mystik Spiral," said Bartender Tiffany. "There's a seventh bass."
"I've heard there will be an eighth bass," I said. "Spooky's old friend Necrobutcher is visiting from the material world. And if Quorthon opts to bring out his bass, well, there's nine."
"This is really getting exciting!" Buzzoff said. "If Eddie brought his bass, that's ten. It's a veritable bass orchestra!"
"Dr. Schitz is probably here. And I'll bet he brought his bass," chimed in Buzzin."
"Do you fellows think this is a good idea?" came a voice. "I tell you, the consequences could be disastrous to the space-time continuum to have that many basses playing at once! It forms a fearsome non-Euclidian angle at its vortex."
"Oh, don't worry about it, Einstein," I scoffed. "Cities on my planet are full of non-Euclidian angles. What's so great about Euclidian angles anyway?"
"Well, this may be all good and fine for your planet," Einstein said. "But for other worlds..."
"Just because its dangerous on Earth doesn't mean it will be a problem on Venus," Buzzoff said. "That's part of the reason we arranged to do the big Bass-Off here. We bassists have been discussing this for months. Don't worry about it. I bet the cloud cover will absorb the thickness of the notes or something."
"You are a smart enough fellow, which is a rare thing for a member of the Death Cheese band," said Einstein. "But you are not a physicist. Mark my words, Buzzoff. This is dangerous. You ought to call it off."
"And miss the chance to play with ten other great bassists? Never! Come on, Buzzin! You need to practice humming the bass line so you can join us too."
"I've heard that Bowser from Sha Na Na may be here," Buzzin said. "He's my hero! If he's here, we'll sing the bass line together!"
"This may open a rift in the space time continuum like no other," Einstien groaned. "I may have to contact the authorities."
"Oh dear," Lord Iffy said. "One must jolly well goh aftah him. Authorities will put ah dampah ohn festivities, and that would not be optimal paaartying atmosphere. Don't you know? Bloh myself! Al! Wait for me, old chap!"
Stela teams up with Soggy and the Swedish Chef to create a birthday feast
For the moment, everyone's attentions were caught by the variety of unique smells.
"Come on--let's follow that delicious aroma!" I said.
When we got to the kitchen, we saw Stela working with Soggy, the Swedish Chef, and a moose.
"Buzzoff! Buzzin! Fungus! Look! Swedish Chef and moose join us!" Soggy said. "And see--we make pretty birfday cake, cool birfday cake, and Spam cake. And also Spam appetizers. Because Soggy hear that Alice Cooper love Spam."
"I do indeed, Soggy," Alice said. "Thank you for thinking of me. You see, when I was a child growing up, I always loved fried Spam sandwiches."
"They make Alice what he is today!" Soggy said.
Alice was being followed by Alice from Wonderland, the Mad Hatter, and the Harried Hare.
"Oh my ears and whiskers! Am I late for the celebration?" the hare inquired.
"No, you're just in time," I said. "Death Cheese hasn't started playing yet."
"Yeah. Chill out, Bunny Rabbit," said False. "Come and have a nice piece of cake."
"Oh, that does sound good. I hope it's carrot cake," said the Rabbit.
"Rabbit, old bunny, we have several kinds of cake available for your culinary pleasure," Lord Iffy said. "Come, all of you, sit at the table of honor. I doh believe that Mystik Spiral is about to start the festivities. Heavens above--how smashing!"
Mystik Spiral jams
Mystik Spiral did indeed start the festivities. Stela served cake, Soggy served Spam, and False replaced the Mad Hatter's tea with absinthe.
"Alice Cooper is my hero," said Alice from Wonderland. "He's the coolest!"
Quinn, in an outfit designed by Trent's ex, Monique
"Well, I don't blame you there," said Dr. Daria. But Quinn, what the hell is that you're wearing? You look like a reject from the superhero academy!"
"For your information, your husband's ex-girlfriend designed this to my specifications," Quinn said.
Monique also outfitted Sandi
"You think that's goofy-looking, Daria, you should get a load of what Sandi's wearing," Jane Lane said.
"Yoo hoo, Lord Iffy!" Quinn called. "What do you think of my outfit?"
"And mine, Lord Iffy," said Sandi. "I believe that mine's waaaay sexy. Don't you?"
Daria and Jane with Lord Iffy
Lord Iffy had been sharing absinthe with the Mad Hatter. What False didn't know is that Cupid had spiked False's absinthe with Love Potion #69. Lord Iffy was practically drooling on himself.
"Totty, I say to blazes with this bloody contest thing. Let's us, the three of us, go and shag. Right now!"
"Um...Lord Iffy, I wouldn't advise that," said Jane.
"Think of your contract, Lord Iffy," Daria said. "Think of the green stuff!"
"Well, dash it all, Daria, it's the blimey green stuff that made me realize how much time I've wasted waiting to get shagged!" Lord Iffy said. "And believe me, if you birds weren't all committed and monogamous and the like, I'd be inviting you for a good shag as well."
"That's not like Lord Iffy," Jane whispered to Daria. "Granted, he's always a randy old virgin. But he's usually far more respectful."
"Agreed," Daria said. "We have to check out that absinthe. I'll take a sample over to the lab. In the meantime, Fungus, don't let Lord Iffy shag anybody, or all bets are off. And believe me, he can't afford that crumbling old mausoleum he calls a mansion without this 666,666,666,666 Quatloos that FOGNL is going to pay him for completing his contract with them. Come on, Jane, let's get a sample of the Absinthe over to the lab and see what its spiked with."
Steak Thru the Heart Head Chef Rotten Ralph's man-hungry younger sister, Repulsive Rhonda
One guest that didn't need any spiked absinthe to make her blood boil with lust was Rotten Ralph's sister, Repulsive Rhonda. Rhonda is always hungry for man meat. And the objects of her lust at this moment were none other than the horrified gentlemen seen in the picture below.
Spooky and Necrobutcher react to Repulsive Rhonda's advances
"Come on, Boys," Rhonda hissed. "Let me sink my teeth into your manly bits!"
"Back, creature of the rubbish heap!" Necrobutcher commanded, striking a melodramatic pose. "I warn you, I know Hong Kong Phooey!"
"Uh...Necrobutcher. Perhaps it would help if you chose a different threat," Spooky said. "I do not think this she-fiend will take terribly serious your knowledge of an old cartoon."
"Will you be quiet? I am trying to save our trouser lutefisks from grievous insult!" Necrobutcher said.
"Well, this is very fine, I agree. But your approach demands assistance. Therefore, toothsome hose monster, observe that I am in possession of a saw."
"Rhonda! Get over here and help with the catering!" Rotten Ralph demanded.
"My brother is such a bother," Repulsive Rhonda complained. "Always interrupting my fun. But fear not, my pretties. I'll be back to take a chomp out of your juicy manhood as soon as I'm done with my tasks."
"My trouser lutefisk is paining me terribly just thinking about her mouth," Spooky said with a grimace. "Come, let us borrow a couple of black codpieces made of metal from Axe Man or Alice Cooper's collection. It isn't the sort of thing that I'd normally wear, but I must protect myself from Ralph's randy and man-hungry sister."
"I don't blame you, old China," Lord Iffy said. "Heavens above! How simply dreadful!"
Lord Iffy went onstage and performed with his Straight Transvestite band. But before Ectoplasm Attack was due to perform, he went backstage to touch up his makeup. He heard moaning and groaning from his dressing room.
"Axe Man! Bollocks! Can't you ever keep it in your trousers?" he demanded. "Or if you can't, couldn't you at least have the decency to take it to your dressing room? Heavens above, but you are the most randy blighter in all the universe!"
"Axe trouser lutefisk in pants, Lord Iffy," came a voice over Lord Iffy's shoulder. "Axe not know what you blabbering about. Perhaps Lord Iffy should make appointment with Dr. Fraud."
"Well if it isn't you, then who the bloody hell is defiling my suite?" Lord Iffy demanded. And with that he threw open the door.
False is caught with the Mad Hatter in Lord Iffy's dressing room
There on the cot that had been put there for Lord Iffy's relaxation if he so wished was False and the Mad Hatter.
"Well I never!" Lord Iffy huffed.
"Oh goodness me," said the rabbit, putting his paws over Alice from Wonderland's eyes. The Cheshire cat, which was riding on Alice Cooper's shoulders, put its tail in front of Alice Cooper's eyes and grinned.
"Lord Iffy!" False spluttered. "I don't know what came over me! Why, the Mad Hatter and I were drinking absinthe one moment, and the next moment..."
"Well, my dear, perhaps you don't know what came over you, but I can tell you who was about to come in you," Lord Iffy said pointedly. "Well, as soohhn as you, one's old bean, aaare done, one suggest you, one's old bean, make your weay to the stage. ectoplasm attack is to perform and one would fancy to doh the eliminations before one watch them. Don't you know?"
"Totty and gentlemen, these eliminatiohn ceremonies aaare getting shortah and shortah. Absolutely top hole - I have to say," Lord Iffy announced. "So I'll get on with it, and then we can watch the rest of the show. Bloh myself! How simply pukkah!"
"Tiffany, as usual your hospitality was fie the thing to mustah the bash staaarted. Doh come and mustah your crest, one's deaaar."
"Quinn and Sandi, your outfits were simply pukkah. Doh come and mustah your crests. One will have to giz Monique an honoraaary crest for creating such cracking frocks Oh stop it! You teases! You make it terribly difficult for this old virgin Laird to maintain his virginity, even without spiked Absinthe!"
"Clone Lammies, as usual, your presence makes everything all the more incredible. You, one's old beans, doubled the pleasure and geay this evening fie by being here. Come and mustah your crests. Heavens above! How smashing!"
"Stela, simply smashing feast on the part of yourself, Soggy, and the Swedish Chef. Do come and mustah your crest."
"Lord Iffy, just a minute," Daria said, rushing to the stage. "I just got through analyzing that absinthe. It contains massive amounts of the hormones that put people into a state of arousal. Combined with the naturally heady properties of the Absinthe, it was pretty well a lethal combination. This is why Jane and I didn't judo throw you when you went for the grope. We were pretty sure it wasn't your fault."
"We could always have come back and given you a judo throw later," Jane said. "In the meantime, we'll just have to confiscate this bottle. It simply isn't safe in civilian hands."
"There will have to be experimenting," Daria said.
"Darren will make a good test subject," said Jane. "He's young, strong, and sexy."
"I think that Trent fills the qualifications for being a test subject," Daria said.
"And I think that I fill the qualifications," said Dr. Schitz, grabbing the bottle. "And so does my lovely and very pregnant succubus wife, Nurse Violent. I'll need this just to keep up with her increased demands these days!"
"Damn!" Daria said. "And I was so looking forward to the testing phase.
"Well, unfortunately False saw dishy to doh hah testing with the Baaarmy Hattah rahthah than myself," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - noh, if she'd gone aftah one of the birthdeay blokes, Nigel Tufnel, seay, well, whoh could have blamed hah? Ssurely I'd have to forgive hah for that. But instead she gives hah all to this bloohming hanger-ohn. The bloohming Baaarmy Hattah! Whoh would evah think? One does beg your paaardohn, False. It saddens myself, for you, one's old bean, were the last of one's fairies, but one must let you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Of course you, one's old bean, aaare welcome to steay and enjoy the shoh. But certainly you, one's old bean, can doh bettah than this Baaarmy Hattah blightah!"
"Oh, I don't know, Lord Iffy," False said. "He has a pretty big hat rack."
"Bloody well too much information, Lass," Lord Iffy said. "Fortunately Ectoplasm Attack is about to staaart playing. I'll drown my sorrows in loud music, stale peanuts, and cheap boohze. Bring it ohn, clone Lammies! Fie none of that absinthe stuff. Bloh myself! One wondah what will happen when all the bass players mustah togethah and pleay Big Bottom? That will be truly pukkah, one is sure. Goodness me!"
Team up to analyze the dreams of Lord Iffy and the girls
Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 19: Spiffy Freudian Slips by Crystal Balls
Hello everyone! Crystal Balls here. I'm the brother of Mystic Xenia and one of Lord Iffy's fabulous transvestite chums. We have a very special show today. You see, the amazing Dr. Fraud, the glamorous Emrald, the fabulous Dr. Frank N. Furter, and myself, are going to hypnotize Lord Iffy and the girls and analyze their dream interactions using Dr. Frank and Dr. Fraud's patent pending dream machine. Dreams don't lie, so this should be amazing and very revealing.
"Totty, we've ah spiffing opportunity todeay to assist myself in finding out which of you, one's old beans, is hairlairh here for myself," Lord Iffy said. "You each mustah ah chance to kip with myself..."
"Doesn't that sort of ruin the whole virginity thing, Lord Iffy?" Sandi asked.
"Well, it would if I meant 'have sex,' Sandi," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - but one hairlairh doh mean kip. And while we're snoohzing, The dream it machine will record our dreams and then Dr. Fraud and Emrald will analyze them. Heavens above! How smashing! Now who wishes to be first?"
"I do, Lord Iffy," False said. "I have nothing to hide."
False is a very dreamy fairy
False and Lord Iffy lay down on the bed together and the dream began. Now, I must say, I did expect to see a bit of the sort of thing that King Smut might like to put into a film like last summer's release, A Midsummer Night's Shag, but instead the dream went something like this.
Lord Iffy recalls childhood memories at the playground
In the dream, Lord Iffy was a youth of perhaps fourteen. He was wearing a schoolboy uniform and looked none too happy. False flitted up to him on her green gossamer wings and asked him what wish she could grant for him. And Lord Iffy gazed at False fondly and said:"A beautiful green dress the color of your wings, if you please, Miss Fairy. Ahzolutle Top Hole--I have to say!"
So False conjured up a green dress for young Lord Iffy and gave him a kiss on the forehead. When Lord Iffy woke up, he was smiling."Blimey, that was a lovely dress, False," he said. "One does soh hope you, one's old bean, might conjure one that one can weaaar in real life. Jolly good show old bean!"
Sandi shows her true colors
"Oh, Lord Iffy, I want to be next!" Sandi demanded. "After all, I can't cheat like that magical little shape-shifting green cheater. You know that what comes from my mind will be all true and wonderful like me."
"Well, porky roysh down, Sandi," Lord Iffy said. "And let's see what we dream togethah. Jolly good show old bean!"
Initially in the dream, Sandi was walking towards Lord Iffy. Lord Iffy was wearing a fabulous green dress with a blue, green and purple feather boa and dancing to show tunes. Sandi wanted to look at least as fabulous if not more so. And as she looked at Lord Iffy, she began to grow blue, green and purple feathers. Her legs turned to birds' legs. Lord Iffy looked at Sandi and began to laugh, and as he laughed he was transformed into a peacock.
Lord Iffy was having great fun strutting about in peacock form, but Sandi became more and more miffed, and she awoke with a start, which in turn woke Lord Iffy.
"Heavens above--what a lark!" he declared. And then he began to giggle. "I'm terribly sorry but doh you, one's old bean, believe it, Sandi? We were peacocks! Well, I was ah peacock and you, one's old bean, were ah peahen. Roysh spiffing, what? Ahzloohtlee topp hole--I have to seay! Well, whoh is next to dream ah little dream with myself?"
Lammy flashes Lord Iffy her wares but he has other concerns (NOT STOLEN FROM ASININE NEWS! I SWEAR!)
Lammy strode into the bedroom stark naked.
"Hey! That's cheating!" Quinn shrieked.
"Is not," Lammy said. "We aren't going to be having sex, just sleeping together, remember? And I always sleep naked, after all."
"EEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!" Quinn shrieked. "Lord Iffy! Do something!"
"Well, roysh is roysh, Love," Lord Iffy said. "And aftah all, Lammy and one will simply be sleeping togethah. But it could make for some jolly rahthah ravishing dreams. If one borfs Lammy in one's dream, does one's soul lose its virginity? Ah, hell, one's soul lost its virginity yeaaars agoh, or at least when one got busted trying to drive home from the Ravishing Woohh Woohh aftah pounding beck 6 zippy colas. You, one's old bean, knoh those things aaare well orf with shine, roysh? Anyweay, one neaaar to blew one's cork when the jolly comelyDetective Benson patted me down to snatch my keys. Ahhhhhzohlutle top hole--I have to say!"
"Lord Iffy, if you'd like, I can pat you down," Lammy said.
"Well, one feaaar that might bring myself ah little toohh close to losing myself virginity in real life, love," Lord Iffy said. "Soh let's kip ohn it and see what happens. This meay be the last shoh todeay...I dane't knoh if one can hold out much longah!"
In the dream, Lord Iffy had a date with Lammy. So he decided to go to Magik Tan and get a spray-on tan. But somehow the tan only ended up covering his torso, leaving his arms and legs completely white. When he stepped out of the booth to demand that things be made right, he found himself in Stonehenge. And there was a naked Lammy coming towards him.
"Blimey! What do I do now?" Lord Iffy muttered to himself. "One butchah ah roysh bottom with this mucked up tan, soh one does! One must fix this before one borf Lammy. If one dane't mustah this bloohming fake tan made roysh, she'll fie laugh at myself. Maybe if one sneak orf this weay I'll find Enditall and she can be of assistance to myself in fixing this dog's dinnah. Don't you know?"
"Lord Iffy, over here!" Lammy called, waving her arms. "I'm all yours. Take me, you manly stud in women's clothing!"
But Lord Iffy was so preoccupied with getting his bad fake tan fixed that he walked right by Lammy, continuing towards Enditall's house at the foot of the hill. Enditall cackled with glee and thumbed her nose at Lammy as she let Lord Iffy in.A moment later, Lord Iffy woke with a start.
"Bloody hell! That was one feckin' horrible dream!" he gasped. "Well I say - Enditall got myself intoh hah hice and toohk orf hah cluhthes! It was rahthah unfortunate! Sorry, Lammy, my woohd has turned to pulp, one feaaars. but believe me, if anyone could cause myself to toss the rules to mustah ah toss, it would be you, one's old bean."
Will Quinn be Lord Iffy's plastic fantastic lover?
"How about me, Lord Iffy?" came a shrill voice. Quinn stepped into the room wearing her bra and panties. "Oh! She's such a slut!" Sandi huffed. "Well, Quinn, perhaps you, one's old bean, can take one's mind orf the sight of Enditall's waaarty green bosoms hanging to hah knees," Lord Iffy said. "Here, porky beside myself, one's golden dove, and it's orf to dreamlands with us!" Lord Iffy really did think that Quinn looked attractive in her lingerie, but it became clear that that he also thought that Quinn was plastic. He dreamed that she was a doll, standing before him in a box with some grooming accessories. "Well...not quite sure where that came from," Lord Iffy said when he woke to see Quinn glaring at him. "What can I say, Quinn? You're a real doll in my eyes! Jolly good show, old bean!"
Stela has Lord Iffy dreaming of childhood and soup, beautiful soup
"Well, Stela, I'm sure that any dream of you will be roysh scrummy," Lord Iffy said as Stela lay down beside him. "Let's get cooking, shall we? Jolly good show, old bean!"
Lord Iffy didn't dream of beans, but he did dream of himself as a lad watching green peas by the thousands being poured into a stew pot. Soggy appeared, playing his pipe and carrying cans of Spam to add to the mix. Fellow reality star Flavor Flav brought some of the mixture up to check it for flavorfulness, and when it was determined that the mixture was just right, a smiling Stela dipped in a spoon and invited young Lord Iffy to take a taste.
"Oh Stela," Lord Iffy said as he awoke. "I'm terribly sorry but you will make myself some of that jolly hockeysticks soup, shant you, one's old bean? It reminded myself of one's days at schoohl, except that you, one's old bean, aaare kind and spiffing and dishy, not ah hideous, stingy, Quasimodo-like blightah whoh gave us each ah measure of some hideous, impalatable slopp and struck us with ah rulah when we said 'please, sir, meay one has something else? This is bloohming rahthah unfortunate!'"
"Of course I'll make you some soup, Lord Iffy," Stela said. "I'm glad we had such a fine dream together. If you choose me, I'll make you soup any time you like."
"I'm terribly sorry but it's tempting, love, truly it is. But one must giz each of the totty their faair time. Baaartendah Tiffany, why dane't you, one's old bean, come porky here beside myself and let's see what we dream togethah."
Lord Iffy sees Bartender Tiffany's true self
In the dream, Lord Iffy and Bartender Tiffany were on a date at Pasta Fazool and Dirty Sanchez' bistro. The champagne flowed freely and Bartender Tiffany got drunker and drunker. She was slurring her words and saying silly things and made Lord Iffy laugh.
The dream was nothing unexpected or startling. Lord Iffy patted Tiffany's hand.
"Tell you, what, love, why dane't you, one's old bean, bring up some champagne for the eliminations?" Lord Iffy said. "There's ah spiffing filly."
Dr. Frank N. Furter is the stuff of dreams
"We've one left, Lord Iffy," Dr. Frank N. Furter said. "Our shy mouse, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, was attempting to make an escape. Don't worry, Tiffany, it's completely painless, I assure you. And it might even be a bit fun. Why don't you try and find out?"
"Oh...all right," Tiffany said reluctantly. "But only if Bartender Tiffany can bring me a good stiff one. A drink, I mean! That's all I meant, Dr. Frankie!"
"Well, of course it is, Love," Frank said. "Bartender Tiffany, while you're at it, why not bring a glass for each of us and leave the champagne bottle. There's a good lass. Well, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, this ought to have you feeling more relaxed. Just lie down beside Lord Iffy and dream a little dream. That's all you have to do."
Tiffany Blum-Deckler's alter-ego returns
Tiffany began to dream, but it wasn't about Lord Iffy. In the dream she was walking down the path between Lord Iffy's house and the Netherworld hotel, when she was transformed into the gay serpent man that she had become when Enditall had wreaked havoc with her crystal ball at the VILE awards.Tiffany woke with a start and ran off down the hall to shut herself in one of the guest rooms.
"Blimey, something certainly has her in a lather," Lord Iffy said. "Sandi, Quinn, you, one's old beans, aaare hah friends. Why dane't you, one's old beans, see what you can doh to be of assistance to hah?"
"Maybe she just needs another drink," Bartender Tiffany said. "That usually does the trick for me. I'll bring her a glass of champagne."
"I think she'll feel better if she has a bit of split pea and Spam soup," Stela said. "I'll get a bowl for her."
"I'll cast a spell to open the lock," False said.
The girls opened the door and gasped in union.
Tiffany fantasizes about the time she was turned into a gay serpent man by Enditall and turned on by Dr. Frank
Tiffany Blum-Deckler sat on the bed with her hands down her panties. She hadn't noticed the other Spiffies yet, and she continued to masturbate, moaning "Oh, Dr. Frankie! I want to be your gay serpent man!"
As Lord Iffy approached the room, the other girls held him back.
"But totty, what is the problem?" Lord Iffy asked. "If Tiffany feels terribly gutted, it will doh hah well to have myself chinwag to hah, dont' you old beans think? Goodness me!"
"Not right now, Lord Iffy," said Bartender Tiffany. "You see, she's petting her kitty cat."
"Well, why should that buhthah myself? One dane't mind cats especially. One has rahthah ah spiffing lint brush. Noh let myself in, shant you, one's old bean?"
"No, Lord Iffy, you don't understand," said Sandi. "What Drunkard Tiffany meant to say is that Fashion Club Tiffany is stroking her gopher."
"Why didn't one knoh about this menagerie soohnah?" Lord Iffy asked. "Well, all the more reasohn one needs to chinwag to hah. One can see noh that she was afraid myself finding out about hah animals. Goodness me!"
"More like her animal lusts," Quinn said.
"Bloohming hell! You, one's old bean, dane't mean to seay she's bin having it orf with hah pets?" Lord Iffy gasped.
"No, no, nothing like that, Lord Iffy," said False. "You see, Tiffany is in there polishing her pearl."
"Soh she wanted to giz myself ah peaaarl necklace--or was envisioning myself giving hah one? Well, that's noh trouble. I do love pearls, after all. Heavens above! How smashing!" Lord Iffy said.
Finally Lammy blurted out "oh, for Heavens sake, Lord Iffy, let's cut to the chase. She's masturbating!"
"Well, one dane't see what's soh rahthah unfortunate about that," Lord Iffy said. "I mean, aftah all, the thought of relieving myself of my virginity is ah tempting one, what?"
"Lord Iffy, I hate to be a snitch, but she isn't masturbating over you," says Stela. "Just listen for yourself."
"Oh Dr. Frank! I want to be your gay serpent man." Tiffany groaned. "I want to slither myself all around your hot, sexy body!"
"Gor blimey!" Lord Iffy gasped, blanching.
"Iffy, old skate, I'm terribly sorry for the trouble that my mistake of a few months ago continues to cause," Dr. Frank said. "If I'd had the least inkling that the hot serpent man whose trouser snake I was so enjoying fondling was your lass Tiffany, you know I never would have...or at least not until you'd eliminated her."
"One knohs that, Frank. And one is not fagged, hairlairh. Fie ah little staaartled that she actually enjoyed it absolutely that much. Well, to each their own, what? I seay, whenevah Tiffany finishes with hah...um...peaaarl-polishing, send hah downstairs, what? One thinks it's time for ah little champagne and the eliminations. One thinks one knohs all one needs to knoh. Don't you know?"
When a flushed Tiffany Blum-Deckler came downstairs, Lord Iffy was sipping champagne as Bartender Tiffany massaged his shoulders.
"Well I say - totty, one is ready to doh the eliminations," Lord Iffy said. "My, that dream machine certainly was revealing, wasn't it?"
"Baaartendah Tiffany, I'd fancy to present the first crest to you, one's old bean. At this moment in time, you, one's old bean, knoh fie what one needs. Here you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Jolly good show old bean!"
"False, that luverly dream about the luverly gossamah dress was simply splendid. Doh come and mustah your crest, love. Ahzloohtlee topp hole--I must seay! Heavens above! How smashing!"
"Quinn, you, one's old bean, aaare one's dream doll. You, one's old bean, should practice the saintly aaart of silence more often. Don't you knoh? Doh come and mustah your crest."
"Sandi, dreaming of you, one's old bean, and myself as peafowl truly made myself giggle. Doh strut up here and mustah your crest! Jolly good show old bean!"
"Lammy, meay one seay your knockers almost knocked the rest of the totty out of the contest todeay. But one is hanging tough for the 666,666,666,666 quatloohs promised myself by FOGNL. Doh come and mustah your crest, one's spicy little ewe. Oh stop it! You tease!!" Lord Iffy protested not terribly vehemently as Lammy flashed him her breasts once again.
"Stelah, your coohking skills aaare ah dream come true. Doh come and mustah your crest. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, dahling, let's fie seay...I knoh! One is not angry in the least, but you must jolly well goh your own weay. Sadly, you, one's old bean, will nevah be able to be what you, one's old bean, dream of being--at least not without paying Enditall ah few quatloohs to be of assistance to you, one's old bean, in achieving what you, one's old bean, have...envisioned. But one will tell you, one's old bean, this. Frankie will borf you, one's old bean, whethah or not you, one's old bean, aaare the...um...creature of your dreams. I fie knoh you, one's old bean, can't expect him to be faithful. Frankie shags whatevah strikes his fancy, dane't you, one's old bean, knoh?"
"Hurray!" Tiffany squealed, as she ran off to find Frankie.
"That hairlairh was jolly disturbing," Lord Iffy said. "I think that dream machine is roysh dangerous. Ought to be locked in ah vault somewhere, one must seay."
"Totty, Valentine's deay is fast approaching and we need to plan for the celebratiohn. But perhaps not todeay. Todeay, let's fie eat, drink, and be merry. But especially drink. Because one had more than one dream that it was Tiffany what toohk one's virginity--and noh one can't stopp thinking of hah as ah jolly serpent chap trying to slithah hah weay intoh Frankie's knickahs. It's ah visiohn one fancies to mustah out of one's head quick sticks, one must seay! Heavens above! How smashing! Now let's get smashed!"
No-one disagreed, and it was indeed a smashing afternoon. I bet my sister Mystic Xenia could have predicted it!
Lord Iffy meets and greets fans in Lost Wages. One of them got a little too fresh with Lord Iffy's falsies.
Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 15: Lust in Lost Wages
by Evil Ed
As Lord Iffy promised, he took the Spiffies to Lost Wages to see the big rock show and the big NG4J extravaganza. Because after all, who puts on a more gaudy, glitzy show than PANSI and the girls.
Lord Iffy wanted to make sure that he and the Spiffies looked their gaudiest and glitziest too. So he took them shopping on FOGNL's dollar. He was admiring the well-coiffed blond wig and purple ensemble that he had chosen for himself when a man came running up waving an autograph pad. "Oh, Lord Iffy, I just love your show!" he gushed. "Well, thank you kindly, old China," Lord Iffy said. "Won't you sign an autograph for me, please, please please?" "I'd be honored, old chum," he said. As soon as Lord Iffy handed the autograph pad back, the fan grabbed him around the waist and gave him a huge bear hug. "Oh, Lord Iffy, I am your biggest fan!" he proclaimed. "Uh..very good, old man," said Lord Iffy. "But have a care. You're flattening the falsies, don't you know?" "Yoo-hoo! Lord Iffy!" came an excited female voice.
Bartender Tiffany strikes a pose with Death Cheese roadie Buzzcut Jr.
"Blimey! Right popular I am!" Lord Iffy said. But it was only Tiffany the Bartender and one of Death Cheese's roadies, Buzzcut Jr., who is the more mild-mannered son of Beavis and Butthead's drill sergeant gym teacher, Coach Buzzcut. "Lord Iffy, thanks for bringing us all to Lost Wages," Bartender Tiffany said. "My buddy Buzzcut Jr. here has gotten us all backstage passes so we can really rock!" "Well, thank you for that service, Love," said Lord Iffy. "Because why come to Lost Wages if not to really rock, right?"
"Most people come to Lost Wages to lose their shirts, Iffy," Dr. Frank N. Furter commented. "And to find some cheap, easy sex. Of course you aren't allowed--yet--but I am under no such contract. Dr. Schitz, my anti-STD booster, if you please!"
"Heavens above, I think I smell Spam," Lord Iffy commented.
Stela couldn't wait to get into the kitchen and help Soggy and his spawns prepare the feast "Lord Iffy, Soggy and Stela get invited to do cooking show!" Soggy proclaimed. "Soggy so happy! It all because of you!"
"Yes, well, I'm terribly well chuffed on your behalf, Old China," Lord Iffy said. "But please dane't hug myself. Simply because one fie got this outfit gratis, and, you, one's old bean, knoh, one think that the spiffing folks at FOGNL would frown ohn it getting all covered with that slimy stuff that covers your body. But one does love yah, old boy, one must trust myself ohn that one. Goodness me! Heavens above--how smashing!"
"Yes, thank you, Lord Iffy," Stela said. "This gives me a chance to get together with Soggy and really show our cooking skills!" "And I look forward to sampling the results," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - oh, one meay not be the most slendah of blokes, due to one's enjoyment of the finah things in life. which I've bin able to enjoy roysh often since becoming involved with this project. But it doesn't mattah. One is spiffing at any weight!"
Dr. Frank N. Furter is ready to show Lost Wages the meaning of the word "Fabulous" "Pleasantly plump looks good on you, Iffy," said Frank N. Furter. "I couldn't get away with it, of course, being as the world expects me to be quite underdressed. But you, old son. You can get away with being a bit fluffier. I envy you awfully in some ways." "Oh, Frankie, you've nothing to envy!" Lord Iffy said. "When it comes to fabulous, you, old boy, are always the king!" "Oh, Lord Iffy!" came a high-pitched nasal voice.
Does anyone else think that Drizella's outfit is a little obvious in its intent?
Lord Iffy turned to see Drizella, extremely made over and clad in a white gown. Drizella insisted that the dress she was wearing wasn't a bride's dress, but she said it didn't hurt that it happened to look like one. "How do I look, Lord Iffy?" Drizella asked. "Fabulous, I hope." "My dear, you look more than stunning!" Lord Iffy said. "You and myself simply must jolly well goh ohn ah shopping spree while we're here. Bloh myself, hoh simply pukkah. And oh, what doh one's wondering eyes behold noh? One is dazzled! Someone mustah myself a pair of sunglasses! Oh stop it! You tease! You're making me want to toss this whole virginity thing right now!"
The Fabulous Fashion Club, including Stacy Rowe, are reunited--and it feels so good. From left to right are Quinn Morgendorffer, Sandi Griffin, Stacy Rowe, and Tiffany Blum-Deckler
"Oh my darlings, you look SOOOOH beautiful," Lord Iffy gushed. "And Stacy, me golden dove, it is so good to see you! I doh hope you'll be attending the Xmahannukwanzyule festivities at my mansiohn!" "Of course I will, Lord Iffy," Stacy said. "Are you any closer to choosing your partner in shagging?" "Oh, dahling, it has bin ah long haaard road...I mean, it has bin ah road fraught with difficulties. Oh, I've naaarrowed down the possibilities, but there aaare still many decisions to make. Bloh myself, it does make one's head spin! Oh goohdness, the shoh is staaarting. Come along, daaarlings, Let's take our seats and prepaaare to mustah our brains melted by this nucleaaar rock blast. Don't you know? Heavens above, how simply smashing!"
False did a twist on the "girl in a champagne class" posing as "fairy in an absinthe glass" False started the Netherworld New Vaudeville Theatre performance with some gymanstics. "Blimey, but that bird is graceful!" Frank N. Furter praised. "And that green stuff doesn't look half bad either!" "And the other totty certainly do look stunning, as always," Lord Iffy said as the Barbies took the stage and did their routines. "Did you knoh, Frankie, that Aubvey is playing the field?" "What? No! Good heavens! I may just have to hit that!" "Frankie! Do be respectful, old man! And goohdness me, what sort of crass language is this I hear coming from your mouth?" "I'm sorry, Iffy. Do forgive me. It's just that...well...this is AUBVEY! She's every man's fantasy, really. Well, except for Evil Ed's, of course, seeing as he only likes the blokes. Me, I figure, why limit my world of sexual adventuring to only one gender. I simply MUST play both sides of the field. It's only too bad that Dr. Doo Doo doesn't swing both ways. He certainly is looking delightful this evening. Amazing how very graceful he is in spite of that leg issue of his."
Was Ectoplasm Attack hinting at something during their show? After the NG4J show, the Lost Wages Rock Fest began. The show started with Mystik Spiral, now stuck with the stigma of being "The Netherworld's Greatest Opening Band." Then came the Ghastly Crue, then Ectoplasm Attack. There was a certain theme to the songs performed by Ectoplasm Attack, but I couldn't put my finger on it. And they were much more jocular than usual. I think they'd been tying one on before they hit the stage. They started with the song "Freezing Moon," which was written by Spooky while he was alive. One thing that didn't change was that Spooky insulted the audience. He claims he really can't see what the audience looks like because of the footlights, but he seemed to see Judge Arse well enough. "Hey guess what, everyone, there's a real arsehole here...I mean, a real arse," Spooky said. "Welcome, your Judginess. It was real cold the other night, wasn't it. Wednesday night, I think it was." "How cold was it?" the other band members asked in unison. "It was so fucking cold it could give someone a blue moon!" Spooky answered. With that the band started playing a version of "Blue Moon" unlike anyone has ever heard. Now, I've heard this song before, and it really isn't the sort of thing they'd usually play, but they changed the words a bit and suddenly it fit their style. These are the original lyrics:
Blue Moon
Blue Moon You saw me standing alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own
Blue Moon You knew just what I was there for You saw me saying a prayer for Someone I really could care for
And then suddenly there appeared before me The only one my arms could ever hold I heard someone whisper, "please adore me" And when I looked my moon had turned to gold
Blue moon Now I'm no longer alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own
When they got done with it, it sounded like this:
Blue and Bloody Moon
Blue and Bloody Moon You saw me standing Over the corpse of my enemy My sword dripping with blood His heart still pulsating in my hand As your cold light shines over the land
Blue and Bloody moon You knew what I was there for To conquer my enemies And spread fear among them Scattering their cowardly troops to the four winds As I draw my arrow and pierce their lungs
Blue and Bloody moon Now I am king of all the frozen wastes And I bow down and give thanks in the blood of my enemies To the mighty Goddess of the hunt The merciless warrior priestess of the blue moon
Wow...I think my brain melted hearing that. And all the other songs were about moons too. Though that one was probably the most brutal of the lot. Judge Arse seemed initially unimpressed but became more distressed as the show went on. "That's it!" he said. "I know these bastards killed my poor Cousin Skinny!" "Judge Arse, come on," I said. "These guys aren't killers. Sure, they write songs that send chills up your spine, and sure, they've been known to open a can of Whoop Ass on occasion...ok, on lots of occasions. But they aren't killers. Trust me!" "Oh yes--like I'm supposed to trust a blood sucking fiend from beyond the grave?" Judge Arse thundered. Just at that moment the band had stopped playing and all eyes were on the Judge. "Judge Arse--that's a great lyric!" Quorthon said. "Do not trust a blood sucking fiend from beyond the grave--I love it!" "Well I don't," I huffed. "I think it's rather bigoted!" "Ed, come on, it isn't bigoted. We will write of the vampire at his most brutal, ripping the throats from his victims, bathing himself in the spurting blood erupting from their jugular veins..." "Quorthon, I love it when you talk dirty," Brittney said. "Excuse me, I need to find a throat...I mean a drink," I said. I was suddenly both starving and parched.
Axe Man should know better than to hold a torch when he's been drinking Shine and eating Cuzzin Hildy-Bob's Roadkill Chili
After a brief intermission, Death Cheese took the stage. Death Cheese performed great numbers like Lost on the Road to Satan's Palace, Victory of the Zombie Hordes, Killer Evil, Ghoul Junkyard, Murder Or Mayhem, and Quick Winds of Fire. It was during this song that Axe Man put down his axe and was running around with a torch, which made me hope that the whole place wouldn't go up in flames.
Black Metal Tinkerbell looks on in awe of Axe Man--or fear of Axe Man playing with fire
Well, the bands cooked on stage and Stela and Soggy cooked up some yummy Spam treats. But after the concert back at the Rockers' suites is where things really got cooking! When we walked backstage, I saw Rodney Roach standing in front of Axe Man's dressing room door, which had a crudely drawn star on it. "You don't want to go in there, Lord Iffy," Rodney said when Lord Iffy approached. "Nonsense, Rodney," Lord Iffy said breezily. "Well I say - fie fancy to congratulate the Axe chap ohn not burning down the building and to let him knoh that one wish to bury the hatchet, soh to speak. 'Tis the seasohn, aftah all. Ah bloke doesn't wish to hold grudges!" Before I had a chance to caution Lord Iffy about his choice of words using the burying the hatchet statement around Axe Man, he had thrown open the door. His eyes bulged and his jaw dropped. And there was eye bulging and jaw dropping among everyone who beheld what was behind the door.
Angelique is stunned by the size of Axe Man's big tool, and his penis too
There we saw Angelique admiring Axe Man's giant--er--happy wiener. I was struck speechless by the size of that thing and made a note to myself to purchase a genuine Austin Powers endorsed Swedish Made Penis Pump immediately tomorrow morning. After seeing what it has done for Axe Man, I can safely say that this sort of thing really is my bag, Baby!
She can't resist the challenge of giving Axe a blow job
"Oh bloody hell! The Axe Chap again!"Lord Iffy cried as he opened the door to the backstage area and beheld Angelique on her knees in front Axe Man, giving him a blow job. "Why the blooming fuck is it always the Axe Chap with you birds?" "Coz Axe is Norwegian Nympho," Axe said proudly. "Axe win Ten Big Sluts in Netherworld award for three years in row now!" "Oh look," Quinn said, being the only one seemingly not in complete thrall of Axe's gigantic schlong. "It's my brother-in-law's dressing room. And there's a do not disturb sign on the door. Oh well, he won't mind if I pop in to say hello!" Before anyone could inform Quinn that there might be good reason for the Do Not Disturb sign, she had thrown open the door.
Quinn, meanwhile, is disgusted when she opens the door to the dressing room next door and finds Daria and Trent getting it on "Eeeeewwwwww!" Quinn shrieked as she opened the door to the next suite. "Lord Iffy, forget about Angelique and Axe Man! My sister and brother in law are sooooo heinous!" "Yeah, Lord Iffy. I think you should eliminate them from the show," said Tiffany. "Bloody hell, Love, what the fuck do I care if Trent and Daria are getting it on?" Lord Iffy demanded. "I'm terribly sorry but they're bloohming well maaarried--toh each uhthah. Have at, you twoh. Spiffing shagging and all. Quinn, shut the doohr would you, one's old bean,? It's not jolly propah to be leering at your sister's husband's stiffy!" "Yeah, Quinn. This Axe Man guy's is bigger anyway. Not that your wiener is small or anything, Trent, don't worry," Stacy called. "But his is, like, gigantastic!" "Uh...sorry, Babe, suddenly my will to schtoink has withered like a carrot left in the fridge for a week," Trent said, self-consciously tucking his manhood back in his trousers. "Yeah, my desire has pretty well dried up too," Daria said, rearranging her clothes. "Thanks, Quinn. You're a great form of birth control." "Oh, it was nothing, Daria," Quinn said breezily. "Glad I could help!" "We'll have to talk about you being at that lesbian bar sometime," Daria said. "I didn't know it was a lesbian bar!" Quinn protested. "I totally thought it was an aerobics studio!" "So what were you doing at the lesbian bar, Babe?" Trent asked. "Getting you guys a gig for the battle of the bands day," Daria said. "And a bottled water for myself. I was really thirsty." "Cool," Trent said. But nobody seemed to be paying attention to Quinn's foray into the world of lesbian drinking establishments. They were all still talking about Axe Man's sizeable wang.
Lammy begins reminiscing about the time she and Axe Man got it on on the stage at Ugly Grace's after a show one night
"Yeah...Axe's feet are gigantastic too," Lammy said. "Trent's feet aren't bad but they are only regular big. Axe Man's feet are humungonormous!" "I still say we should eliminate Daria and Trent from the show," Tiffany Blum-Deckler said. "Tiffany, you idiot, Trent and Daria aren't even on the show," Sandi sighed. "So how can Lord Iffy eliminate them?" "Well, if they WERE, they should be eliminated!" Quinn huffed. "They were being just totally grody!" "Well I say - the simply grody thing here is the fact that the Axe chap doesn't have the couth to put his schnitzel awah even though there aaare ah dozen old beans in the roohm with him!" Lord Iffy said angrily. "Why should Axe put away?" Axe Man asked. "Axe not done getting blow job yet!" "Because it's bloody well time for eliminations, Mr. Norwegian Nympho!" Lord Iffy shouted, stomping his foot. "Soh put your trousah lutefisk beck in its tin and pip-pip tally hoh beck out to the auditorium soh one can announce one's choices!" "Axe not put Trouser Lutefisk in tin," Axe Man said. "Axe do have black codpiece made of metal though. It gift from Lord Black Adder." "Fine. Anything to get you to cover that blasted yardstick up. Come on, totty, let's go to the auditorium so I can make my selections." Lord Iffy took the stage and the audience sat waiting with bated breath, wondering who he would choose to leave the show this week. "Well, I say, Totty, all of you looked fabulous, like always," Lord Iffy said. "But one must seay, the most spiffing were Sandi, Quinn, Tiffany Blum-Decklah, and their deaaar daaarrrling and moyne, Stacy Rowe. Totty, come mustah your crests. Stacy, one hope you'll take ah suppah with myself as ah substitute. One does soh fancy to catch up with you, one's old bean, one's deaaar." "Drizellah, your luverly white gown loohks evah soh splendid. You, one's old bean, look fancy ah virgin, touched for the jolly first time. Doh come and mustah your crest." "Stela, as always, you and Soggy prepared a feast supreme for my joyful tastebuds. Come and mustah your crest." "I'm terribly sorry but False, you, one's old bean, loohked soh luverly and graceful during your routine. Doh come and mustah your crest. And bring myself ah glass of that Absinthe when you, one's old bean, come up. Heavens above--hoh pukkah!" "Lammy, deaaar, going ohn about your tryst with the Axe chap left ah frightful taste in one's mouth. But one is more inclined than evah to shoh you, one's old bean, hoh much more classy one is than he. Doh come and mustah your crest. Absolutely top hole - I have to say." "Bartender Tiffany, an evening with you is always right festive. Come and mustah your crest, Dear." "Well I say - Black Metal Tinkerbell, one saw hoh frozen with feaaar you, one's old bean, were watching the Axe chap waving that torch about. One toohh was frozen with feaaar. We must discuss our traumah ovah ah divine daaarling lashing. Come and mustah your crest." "Angelique, deaaar, one realizes that it's your nature to giz your affections to the blokes--and the birds toohh. But seeing one of one's totty with the Axe chap gives one fits. One does beg your paaardohn, deaaar, but your time is up. Jolly good show old bean!" Angelique's eyes actually filled with tears and she turned away. Lord Iffy looked unnerved. "Oh one's deaaar, one dane't mean to gut you, one's old bean, but ssurely, if you, one's old bean, think about it, you, one's old bean, knoh you, one's old bean, couldn't possibly be faithful to any one man--or bird, for that mattah. Bloh myself, aaare you, one's old bean, sure that you, one's old bean, and one's old Chinah Frank N. Furtah aaaren't clones from the same test tube? I doh just believe you may be, don't you know? Now come and giz us a hug. Mwah mwah sweetie." "Oh, Lord Eeefy, it's just zat I will mees you so," Angelique said. "You are very good friend, and I will now miss ze wonderful Xmahunnukwanzieyule party..." "Oh blimey, of course you won't!" Lord Iffy said. "Don't be ah silly goohse--you're always welcome in one's mansiohn. Tell you, one's old bean, what, why dane't you, one's old bean, and Frankie hoohk up, and then hoohk up with ah few uhthers of one's guests? one is sure there will be plenty of randy sorts to choohse mwah mwah sweetie. but doh keep the orgy upstairs awah mwah mwah sweetie the pelvotrohn. that thing turns ohn all toohh easily. Goodness me!" "Well, totty, ohn that note, the Xmahannukwanzyule bash is fie five days awah. One does hope you all aaare ready! Come ohn, let's lash ah toast. Goodness me! Pip pip, tally hoh! Tis the season and all, right? Huzzah!" Personally I can't wait till the Xmahannukwanzyule party. No-one throws a winter bash like Lord Iffy. His parties are second to none!
NG4J Star Aubvey is Ready For Love Just then I heard a small, drunk voice as Aubvey staggered up, a bottle of Absinthe in hand. "Lord Iffy, Ah want to make a new start," she said. "Well, that's very nice, Love," said Lord Iffy. "Well I say - one thinks aftah ah laaargah than normal heaaartbreak ah fresh staaart is always cracking. Soh what aaare your plans? Ah new sports analysis shoh perhaps? You, one's old bean, can meet many fine young sportsmen doing that sort of thing, one imagines." "Yes. Can I be your partner?" Frank N. Furter asked. "Lord Iffy, your cousin Eddie Head says that Ah should get togethah with an Upper Class Twit. And Brittney agreed with him that an upper Class Twit was about mah speed. So, Ah want to be on your show," Aubvey said. "Ah want mah chance at love. And Ah want to take back mah virginity. You are mah inspiriation! Perhaps we can lose our virginity together." "Well...I hardly see how I can refuse," Lord Iffy said blushing. "Welcome to the Spiffies, Aubvey, Love." "NOOOOOOO!!!!!" Quinn howled. "First Shania Twain...well, ok, she got eliminated, so she's not a threat any more. But now he's like, got Aubvey on the show! How can anybody compete against AUBVEY!????? DARIA!!!!! DOOOOO SOOOOOMETHINGGGGGG!!!!!!!" "Here, have a glass of Cuzzin Hildy-Bob's 'Shine Nog and shut the hell up," Daria said. "I'm still pissed at you for putting the damper on my private time with Trent tonight." "How can you be thinking about getting laid at a time like this?" Quinn demanded. "AUBVEY is going to be on the show! The rest of us might as well go home right now!" "Well you could..." Aubvey started. "But you won't!" interjected Lord Iffy. "There's still a good dozen episodes left including the recap and finale shows. I happen to be enjoying living on FOGNL's Quatloo, Quinn. So please, try not to screw it up for me, won't you? There's a good girl!" "You see, Quinn?" Daria said. "As long as greed is a motivator, you'll always have a place in Lord Iffy's life." "Aw, Daria, that's so nice!" Quinn said. Sisterly love...gotta love it! Evil Ed
