Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 15: Lust in Lost Wages

Lord Iffy meets and greets fans in Lost Wages. One of them got a little too fresh with Lord Iffy's falsies.

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 15: Lust in Lost Wages

by Evil Ed

As Lord Iffy promised, he took the Spiffies to Lost Wages to see the big rock show and the big NG4J extravaganza. Because after all, who puts on a more gaudy, glitzy show than PANSI and the girls.

Lord Iffy wanted to make sure that he and the Spiffies looked their gaudiest and glitziest too. So he took them shopping on FOGNL's dollar. He was admiring the well-coiffed blond wig and purple ensemble that he had chosen for himself when a man came running up waving an autograph pad.
"Oh, Lord Iffy, I just love your show!" he gushed.
"Well, thank you kindly, old China," Lord Iffy said.
"Won't you sign an autograph for me, please, please please?"
"I'd be honored, old chum," he said.
As soon as Lord Iffy handed the autograph pad back, the fan grabbed him around the waist and gave him a huge bear hug.
"Oh, Lord Iffy, I am your biggest fan!" he proclaimed.
"Uh..very good, old man," said Lord Iffy. "But have a care. You're flattening the falsies, don't you know?"
"Yoo-hoo! Lord Iffy!" came an excited female voice.

Bartender Tiffany strikes a pose with Death Cheese roadie Buzzcut Jr.

"Blimey! Right popular I am!" Lord Iffy said.
But it was only Tiffany the Bartender and one of Death Cheese's roadies, Buzzcut Jr., who is the more mild-mannered son of Beavis and Butthead's drill sergeant gym teacher, Coach Buzzcut.
"Lord Iffy, thanks for bringing us all to Lost Wages," Bartender Tiffany said. "My buddy Buzzcut Jr. here has gotten us all backstage passes so we can really rock!"
"Well, thank you for that service, Love," said Lord Iffy. "Because why come to Lost Wages if not to really rock, right?"

"Most people come to Lost Wages to lose their shirts, Iffy," Dr. Frank N. Furter commented. "And to find some cheap, easy sex. Of course you aren't allowed--yet--but I am under no such contract. Dr. Schitz, my anti-STD booster, if you please!"

"Heavens above, I think I smell Spam," Lord Iffy commented.

Stela couldn't wait to get into the kitchen and help Soggy and his spawns prepare the feast
"Lord Iffy, Soggy and Stela get invited to do cooking show!" Soggy proclaimed. "Soggy so happy! It all because of you!"

"Yes, well, I'm terribly well chuffed on your behalf, Old China," Lord Iffy said. "But please dane't hug myself. Simply because one fie got this outfit gratis, and, you, one's old bean, knoh, one think that the spiffing folks at FOGNL would frown ohn it getting all covered with that slimy stuff that covers your body. But one does love yah, old boy, one must trust myself ohn that one. Goodness me! Heavens above--how smashing!"

"Yes, thank you, Lord Iffy," Stela said. "This gives me a chance to get together with Soggy and really show our cooking skills!"
"And I look forward to sampling the results," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - oh, one meay not be the most slendah of blokes, due to one's enjoyment of the finah things in life. which I've bin able to enjoy roysh often since becoming involved with this project. But it doesn't mattah. One is spiffing at any weight!"




















Dr. Frank N. Furter is ready to show Lost Wages the meaning of the word "Fabulous"
"Pleasantly plump looks good on you, Iffy," said Frank N. Furter. "I couldn't get away with it, of course, being as the world expects me to be quite underdressed. But you, old son. You can get away with being a bit fluffier. I envy you awfully in some ways."
"Oh, Frankie, you've nothing to envy!" Lord Iffy said. "When it comes to fabulous, you, old boy, are always the king!"
"Oh, Lord Iffy!" came a high-pitched nasal voice.

Does anyone else think that Drizella's outfit is a little obvious in its intent?

Lord Iffy turned to see Drizella, extremely made over and clad in a white gown. Drizella insisted that the dress she was wearing wasn't a bride's dress, but she said it didn't hurt that it happened to look like one.
"How do I look, Lord Iffy?" Drizella asked. "Fabulous, I hope."
"My dear, you look more than stunning!" Lord Iffy said. "You and myself simply must jolly well goh ohn ah shopping spree while we're here. Bloh myself, hoh simply pukkah. And oh, what doh one's wondering eyes behold noh? One is dazzled! Someone mustah myself a pair of sunglasses! Oh stop it! You tease! You're making me want to toss this whole virginity thing right now!"

The Fabulous Fashion Club, including Stacy Rowe, are reunited--and it feels so good. From left to right are Quinn Morgendorffer, Sandi Griffin, Stacy Rowe, and Tiffany Blum-Deckler

"Oh my darlings, you look SOOOOH beautiful," Lord Iffy gushed. "And Stacy, me golden dove, it is so good to see you! I doh hope you'll be attending the Xmahannukwanzyule festivities at my mansiohn!"
"Of course I will, Lord Iffy," Stacy said. "Are you any closer to choosing your partner in shagging?"
"Oh, dahling, it has bin ah long haaard road...I mean, it has bin ah road fraught with difficulties. Oh, I've naaarrowed down the possibilities, but there aaare still many decisions to make. Bloh myself, it does make one's head spin! Oh goohdness, the shoh is staaarting. Come along, daaarlings, Let's take our seats and prepaaare to mustah our brains melted by this nucleaaar rock blast. Don't you know? Heavens above, how simply smashing!"

False did a twist on the "girl in a champagne class" posing as "fairy in an absinthe glass"
False started the Netherworld New Vaudeville Theatre performance with some gymanstics.
"Blimey, but that bird is graceful!" Frank N. Furter praised. "And that green stuff doesn't look half bad either!"
"And the other totty certainly do look stunning, as always," Lord Iffy said as the Barbies took the stage and did their routines. "Did you knoh, Frankie, that Aubvey is playing the field?"
"What? No! Good heavens! I may just have to hit that!"
"Frankie! Do be respectful, old man! And goohdness me, what sort of crass language is this I hear coming from your mouth?"
"I'm sorry, Iffy. Do forgive me. It's just that...well...this is AUBVEY! She's every man's fantasy, really. Well, except for Evil Ed's, of course, seeing as he only likes the blokes. Me, I figure, why limit my world of sexual adventuring to only one gender. I simply MUST play both sides of the field. It's only too bad that Dr. Doo Doo doesn't swing both ways. He certainly is looking delightful this evening. Amazing how very graceful he is in spite of that leg issue of his."
















Was Ectoplasm Attack hinting at something during their show?
After the NG4J show, the Lost Wages Rock Fest began. The show started with Mystik Spiral, now stuck with the stigma of being "The Netherworld's Greatest Opening Band." Then came the Ghastly Crue, then Ectoplasm Attack.
There was a certain theme to the songs performed by Ectoplasm Attack, but I couldn't put my finger on it. And they were much more jocular than usual. I think they'd been tying one on before they hit the stage.
They started with the song "Freezing Moon," which was written by Spooky while he was alive. One thing that didn't change was that Spooky insulted the audience. He claims he really can't see what the audience looks like because of the footlights, but he seemed to see Judge Arse well enough.
"Hey guess what, everyone, there's a real arsehole here...I mean, a real arse," Spooky said. "Welcome, your Judginess. It was real cold the other night, wasn't it. Wednesday night, I think it was."
"How cold was it?" the other band members asked in unison.
"It was so fucking cold it could give someone a blue moon!" Spooky answered.
With that the band started playing a version of "Blue Moon" unlike anyone has ever heard. Now, I've heard this song before, and it really isn't the sort of thing they'd usually play, but they changed the words a bit and suddenly it fit their style.
These are the original lyrics:

Blue Moon

Blue Moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

Blue Moon
You knew just what I was there for
You saw me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for

And then suddenly there appeared before me
The only one my arms could ever hold
I heard someone whisper, "please adore me"
And when I looked my moon had turned to gold

Blue moon
Now I'm no longer alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own

When they got done with it, it sounded like this:

Blue and Bloody Moon

Blue and Bloody Moon
You saw me standing
Over the corpse of my enemy
My sword dripping with blood
His heart still pulsating in my hand
As your cold light shines over the land

Blue and Bloody moon
You knew what I was there for
To conquer my enemies
And spread fear among them
Scattering their cowardly troops to the four winds
As I draw my arrow and pierce their lungs

Blue and Bloody moon
Now I am king of all the frozen wastes
And I bow down and give thanks in the blood of my enemies
To the mighty Goddess of the hunt
The merciless warrior priestess of the blue moon

Wow...I think my brain melted hearing that. And all the other songs were about moons too. Though that one was probably the most brutal of the lot. Judge Arse seemed initially unimpressed but became more distressed as the show went on.
"That's it!" he said. "I know these bastards killed my poor Cousin Skinny!"
"Judge Arse, come on," I said. "These guys aren't killers. Sure, they write songs that send chills up your spine, and sure, they've been known to open a can of Whoop Ass on occasion...ok, on lots of occasions. But they aren't killers. Trust me!"
"Oh yes--like I'm supposed to trust a blood sucking fiend from beyond the grave?" Judge Arse thundered. Just at that moment the band had stopped playing and all eyes were on the Judge.
"Judge Arse--that's a great lyric!" Quorthon said. "Do not trust a blood sucking fiend from beyond the grave--I love it!"
"Well I don't," I huffed. "I think it's rather bigoted!"
"Ed, come on, it isn't bigoted. We will write of the vampire at his most brutal, ripping the throats from his victims, bathing himself in the spurting blood erupting from their jugular veins..."
"Quorthon, I love it when you talk dirty," Brittney said.
"Excuse me, I need to find a throat...I mean a drink," I said. I was suddenly both starving and parched.


















Axe Man should know better than to hold a torch when he's been drinking Shine and eating Cuzzin Hildy-Bob's Roadkill Chili

After a brief intermission, Death Cheese took the stage. Death Cheese performed great numbers like Lost on the Road to Satan's Palace, Victory of the Zombie Hordes, Killer Evil, Ghoul Junkyard, Murder Or Mayhem, and Quick Winds of Fire. It was during this song that Axe Man put down his axe and was running around with a torch, which made me hope that the whole place wouldn't go up in flames.

Black Metal Tinkerbell looks on in awe of Axe Man--or fear of Axe Man playing with fire

Well, the bands cooked on stage and Stela and Soggy cooked up some yummy Spam treats. But after the concert back at the Rockers' suites is where things really got cooking! When we walked backstage, I saw Rodney Roach standing in front of Axe Man's dressing room door, which had a crudely drawn star on it.
"You don't want to go in there, Lord Iffy," Rodney said when Lord Iffy approached.
"Nonsense, Rodney," Lord Iffy said breezily. "Well I say - fie fancy to congratulate the Axe chap ohn not burning down the building and to let him knoh that one wish to bury the hatchet, soh to speak. 'Tis the seasohn, aftah all. Ah bloke doesn't wish to hold grudges!"
Before I had a chance to caution Lord Iffy about his choice of words using the burying the hatchet statement around Axe Man, he had thrown open the door. His eyes bulged and his jaw dropped. And there was eye bulging and jaw dropping among everyone who beheld what was behind the door.

Angelique is stunned by the size of Axe Man's big tool, and his penis too

There we saw Angelique admiring Axe Man's giant--er--happy wiener. I was struck speechless by the size of that thing and made a note to myself to purchase a genuine Austin Powers endorsed Swedish Made Penis Pump immediately tomorrow morning. After seeing what it has done for Axe Man, I can safely say that this sort of thing really is my bag, Baby!

She can't resist the challenge of giving Axe a blow job

"Oh bloody hell! The Axe Chap again!"Lord Iffy cried as he opened the door to the backstage area and beheld Angelique on her knees in front Axe Man, giving him a blow job. "Why the blooming fuck is it always the Axe Chap with you birds?"
"Coz Axe is Norwegian Nympho," Axe said proudly. "Axe win Ten Big Sluts in Netherworld award for three years in row now!"
"Oh look," Quinn said, being the only one seemingly not in complete thrall of Axe's gigantic schlong. "It's my brother-in-law's dressing room. And there's a do not disturb sign on the door. Oh well, he won't mind if I pop in to say hello!"
Before anyone could inform Quinn that there might be good reason for the Do Not Disturb sign, she had thrown open the door.

Quinn, meanwhile, is disgusted when she opens the door to the dressing room next door and finds Daria and Trent getting it on
"Eeeeewwwwww!" Quinn shrieked as she opened the door to the next suite. "Lord Iffy, forget about Angelique and Axe Man! My sister and brother in law are sooooo heinous!"
"Yeah, Lord Iffy. I think you should eliminate them from the show," said Tiffany.
"Bloody hell, Love, what the fuck do I care if Trent and Daria are getting it on?" Lord Iffy demanded. "I'm terribly sorry but they're bloohming well maaarried--toh each uhthah. Have at, you twoh. Spiffing shagging and all. Quinn, shut the doohr would you, one's old bean,? It's not jolly propah to be leering at your sister's husband's stiffy!"
"Yeah, Quinn. This Axe Man guy's is bigger anyway. Not that your wiener is small or anything, Trent, don't worry," Stacy called. "But his is, like, gigantastic!"
"Uh...sorry, Babe, suddenly my will to schtoink has withered like a carrot left in the fridge for a week," Trent said, self-consciously tucking his manhood back in his trousers.
"Yeah, my desire has pretty well dried up too," Daria said, rearranging her clothes. "Thanks, Quinn. You're a great form of birth control."
"Oh, it was nothing, Daria," Quinn said breezily. "Glad I could help!"
"We'll have to talk about you being at that lesbian bar sometime," Daria said.
"I didn't know it was a lesbian bar!" Quinn protested. "I totally thought it was an aerobics studio!"
"So what were you doing at the lesbian bar, Babe?" Trent asked.
"Getting you guys a gig for the battle of the bands day," Daria said. "And a bottled water for myself. I was really thirsty."
"Cool," Trent said.
But nobody seemed to be paying attention to Quinn's foray into the world of lesbian drinking establishments. They were all still talking about Axe Man's sizeable wang.


















Lammy begins reminiscing about the time she and Axe Man got it on on the stage at Ugly Grace's after a show one night

"Yeah...Axe's feet are gigantastic too," Lammy said. "Trent's feet aren't bad but they are only regular big. Axe Man's feet are humungonormous!"
"I still say we should eliminate Daria and Trent from the show," Tiffany Blum-Deckler said.
"Tiffany, you idiot, Trent and Daria aren't even on the show," Sandi sighed. "So how can Lord Iffy eliminate them?"
"Well, if they WERE, they should be eliminated!" Quinn huffed. "They were being just totally grody!"
"Well I say - the simply grody thing here is the fact that the Axe chap doesn't have the couth to put his schnitzel awah even though there aaare ah dozen old beans in the roohm with him!" Lord Iffy said angrily.
"Why should Axe put away?" Axe Man asked. "Axe not done getting blow job yet!"
"Because it's bloody well time for eliminations, Mr. Norwegian Nympho!" Lord Iffy shouted, stomping his foot. "Soh put your trousah lutefisk beck in its tin and pip-pip tally hoh beck out to the auditorium soh one can announce one's choices!"
"Axe not put Trouser Lutefisk in tin," Axe Man said. "Axe do have black codpiece made of metal though. It gift from Lord Black Adder."
"Fine. Anything to get you to cover that blasted yardstick up. Come on, totty, let's go to the auditorium so I can make my selections."
Lord Iffy took the stage and the audience sat waiting with bated breath, wondering who he would choose to leave the show this week.
"Well, I say, Totty, all of you looked fabulous, like always," Lord Iffy said. "But one must seay, the most spiffing were Sandi, Quinn, Tiffany Blum-Decklah, and their deaaar daaarrrling and moyne, Stacy Rowe. Totty, come mustah your crests. Stacy, one hope you'll take ah suppah with myself as ah substitute. One does soh fancy to catch up with you, one's old bean, one's deaaar."
"Drizellah, your luverly white gown loohks evah soh splendid. You, one's old bean, look fancy ah virgin, touched for the jolly first time. Doh come and mustah your crest."
"Stela, as always, you and Soggy prepared a feast supreme for my joyful tastebuds. Come and mustah your crest."
"I'm terribly sorry but False, you, one's old bean, loohked soh luverly and graceful during your routine. Doh come and mustah your crest. And bring myself ah glass of that Absinthe when you, one's old bean, come up. Heavens above--hoh pukkah!"
"Lammy, deaaar, going ohn about your tryst with the Axe chap left ah frightful taste in one's mouth. But one is more inclined than evah to shoh you, one's old bean, hoh much more classy one is than he. Doh come and mustah your crest. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Bartender Tiffany, an evening with you is always right festive. Come and mustah your crest, Dear."
"Well I say - Black Metal Tinkerbell, one saw hoh frozen with feaaar you, one's old bean, were watching the Axe chap waving that torch about. One toohh was frozen with feaaar. We must discuss our traumah ovah ah divine daaarling lashing. Come and mustah your crest."
"Angelique, deaaar, one realizes that it's your nature to giz your affections to the blokes--and the birds toohh. But seeing one of one's totty with the Axe chap gives one fits. One does beg your paaardohn, deaaar, but your time is up. Jolly good show old bean!"
Angelique's eyes actually filled with tears and she turned away. Lord Iffy looked unnerved.
"Oh one's deaaar, one dane't mean to gut you, one's old bean, but ssurely, if you, one's old bean, think about it, you, one's old bean, knoh you, one's old bean, couldn't possibly be faithful to any one man--or bird, for that mattah. Bloh myself, aaare you, one's old bean, sure that you, one's old bean, and one's old Chinah Frank N. Furtah aaaren't clones from the same test tube? I doh just believe you may be, don't you know? Now come and giz us a hug. Mwah mwah sweetie."
"Oh, Lord Eeefy, it's just zat I will mees you so," Angelique said. "You are very good friend, and I will now miss ze wonderful Xmahunnukwanzieyule party..."
"Oh blimey, of course you won't!" Lord Iffy said. "Don't be ah silly goohse--you're always welcome in one's mansiohn. Tell you, one's old bean, what, why dane't you, one's old bean, and Frankie hoohk up, and then hoohk up with ah few uhthers of one's guests? one is sure there will be plenty of randy sorts to choohse mwah mwah sweetie. but doh keep the orgy upstairs awah mwah mwah sweetie the pelvotrohn. that thing turns ohn all toohh easily. Goodness me!"
"Well, totty, ohn that note, the Xmahannukwanzyule bash is fie five days awah. One does hope you all aaare ready! Come ohn, let's lash ah toast. Goodness me! Pip pip, tally hoh! Tis the season and all, right? Huzzah!"
Personally I can't wait till the Xmahannukwanzyule party. No-one throws a winter bash like Lord Iffy. His parties are second to none!


















NG4J Star Aubvey is Ready For Love
Just then I heard a small, drunk voice as Aubvey staggered up, a bottle of Absinthe in hand.
"Lord Iffy, Ah want to make a new start," she said.
"Well, that's very nice, Love," said Lord Iffy. "Well I say - one thinks aftah ah laaargah than normal heaaartbreak ah fresh staaart is always cracking. Soh what aaare your plans? Ah new sports analysis shoh perhaps? You, one's old bean, can meet many fine young sportsmen doing that sort of thing, one imagines."
"Yes. Can I be your partner?" Frank N. Furter asked.
"Lord Iffy, your cousin Eddie Head says that Ah should get togethah with an Upper Class Twit. And Brittney agreed with him that an upper Class Twit was about mah speed. So, Ah want to be on your show," Aubvey said. "Ah want mah chance at love. And Ah want to take back mah virginity. You are mah inspiriation! Perhaps we can lose our virginity together."
"Well...I hardly see how I can refuse," Lord Iffy said blushing. "Welcome to the Spiffies, Aubvey, Love."
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!" Quinn howled. "First Shania Twain...well, ok, she got eliminated, so she's not a threat any more. But now he's like, got Aubvey on the show! How can anybody compete against AUBVEY!????? DARIA!!!!! DOOOOO SOOOOOMETHINGGGGGG!!!!!!!"
"Here, have a glass of Cuzzin Hildy-Bob's 'Shine Nog and shut the hell up," Daria said. "I'm still pissed at you for putting the damper on my private time with Trent tonight."
"How can you be thinking about getting laid at a time like this?" Quinn demanded. "AUBVEY is going to be on the show! The rest of us might as well go home right now!"
"Well you could..." Aubvey started.
"But you won't!" interjected Lord Iffy. "There's still a good dozen episodes left including the recap and finale shows. I happen to be enjoying living on FOGNL's Quatloo, Quinn. So please, try not to screw it up for me, won't you? There's a good girl!"
"You see, Quinn?" Daria said. "As long as greed is a motivator, you'll always have a place in Lord Iffy's life."
"Aw, Daria, that's so nice!" Quinn said.
Sisterly love...gotta love it!
Evil Ed