Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 14: Glamour Shots Bite

This episode put Lord Iffy straight out of his mind. Read on and see why.

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 14: Glamour Shots Bite

by Hal Itosis

Hello, Lord Iffy Fans! Hal Itosis here, and I'm so pleased to have been chosen to be a part of this exciting episode. Recently I started offering family photography and Glamour Shots photos at my store, and Lord Iffy thought that it would be fun to get glamour shots of him and the Spiffies. He also decided that he would pick three Spiffies from the photo sessions to go on special dates with. So I gathered up my team of Ugly Betty, Lord James, Anastasia, and Mickey Ratt, and we came to Lord Iffy's mansion to make the participants over. Mickey was really happy because he figured that he could use the pictures as a pictorial in Rattling Bones Undead Musician Magazine too. Mickey sometimes bends the rules a bit. After all, none of the subjects are either Undead or a musician. But Mickey has a real good hook. He's going to ask Shania to pose for him too.
"Shania ain't undead or nothin', but when the fellas that reads my mag gets a load of her, they's gonna have a heart attack 'cause she's so fine, see?" Mickey says.
That Mickey is one sharp rodent!
So we arrived at the mansion, and the Spiffies were really eager to get made over. Most of them are pretty easy to work with but some of them are such divas!

Quinn went with a classic pinup style

Quinn has real natural beauty and loves to be fussed over, but it's hard to get her to stop talking! So we put her on the phone to her sister Daria to tell her all about what was going on. When we were done shooting pictures, Daria asked Quinn to hand the phone to me. Daria said that she was going to kill me because she was in the middle of getting Dr. Schitz and the new High Tech Crystal Ball that he invented ready to make its first prediction.
"I can't think straight with Quinn babbling on and on about her false eyelashes and ten layers of make-up!" Daria complained.
I promised Daria a 666,666 Christmahannukwanzyule shopping spree at my store and she calmed down. Sometimes you just have to flatter people to keep the customer happy.

False's new breasts, courtesy of Dr. Quincy, were over the top
False looked really beautiful, and I like breasts of all sizes, but I think that sometimes Dr. Quincy goes too far with his enhancement surgery. Lord Iffy seemed to agree.

"Blimey, Hal, those titties aaare biggah than my head!" he said. "One feaaars that when she goes to hah job dancing at the Ravishing Woohh Woohh, she'll topple straight ovah ohn hah face! Absolutely top hole - I have to say."

"I think that may be why she's lying down for the photo shoot, Lord Iffy," I said. "Dr. Quincy needs to get some implants in other sizes besides XXX."

Angelique in a strikingly demure pose

Angelique believes that "less is more" when it comes to clothes, so Lord James and Anastasia took a break. The photo shoot reminded me of a classic Playboy spread. It was actually pretty classy.
"Youse is really gonna help me sell this month's issue of RBUMM, Angie," Mickey Ratt praised. "Thanks, Doll."

Black Metal Tinkerbell has been hanging around with Angelique a lot and Angie's ideas are starting to rub off on her
When Black Metal Tinkerbell posed wearing nothing but a "censored" sign over her boobs, you could have knocked me over with a feather! I ended up having to catch Lord Iffy, whose eyes were bulging and whose jaw was hanging to the floor.
"Well I say - gor blimey, Tink, you, one's old bean, can bloh myself any time--I mean, yah blowin' my mind, love! Thanking yourselves greatly!" he said as he popped the cork on a bottle of champagne. "I'm terribly sorry but beg paaardohn, but one finks I've got to change my knickers!"

Sandi knows how much Lord Iffy loves 80's metal, so she went with a look that was sure to please
With Lord Iffy's reaction to Black Metal Tinkerbell's nudity, Sandi knew she really had to do something special to get noticed. So she talked things over with the makeover team and decided to play on Lord Iffy's love for classic metal. When she came out dressed as an 80's metal diva, she succeeded in making the Laird, now in a new set of lacy underthings, notice her.
"Sandi, I am stunned!" he said. "I would be more than proud to have you on my arm at the Death Cheese show tonight!"
"Oh, Lord Iffy, I'd love to," Sandi said. "But can I ask one little favor?"
"Anything you want, one's old bean, it's yours."
"Make sure to get me the double strength earplugs. It would be sooooo unfashionable to go deaf!" Sandi said.


















Bartender Tiffany had the same idea--sort of--in a half-assed way
Tiffany the Bartender overheard Lord Iffy's discussion with Sandi. So although she had been going to go with the Red Carpet style in her presentation, she threw in some devil horns in hopes that Lord Iffy could see how much she rocked.
"Lord Iffy, I'm ready to par-tay!" she called.
"Well I say - well, of course you, one's old bean, aaare, love," he said. "I hope you'll be working the public house at Ugly Grace's tonight soh Sandi and I can mustah free drinks from you, one's old bean. Mwah mwah, Sweetie!"























Stela knows what Lord Iffy likes best about her, and she went with her strengths to inspire his desire
Stela asked the makeover team what she should do.
"It just doesn't seem like ME to go with heavy make-up or pose naked or in leather and chains," she said.
"Honey, my best advice is to go with what you know," Ugly Betty said. "Be who you are!"
"Only with a twist of glamour, of course," said Lord James.
"I have an idea!" said Anastasia.
Stela's photo shoot consisted of her cooking up some Spam gumbo with Soggy's help while every now and then stopping to pose fetchingly.
"Stela, Love, once again you've appealed to all me senses," Lord Iffy said. "And if you, one's old bean, aaare coohking spam scones with that luverly gumboh, you, one's old bean, and oneself has ah date at Outright Wretched Sanchez and Pastah Fazoohl's for an evening of fine dining tomorroh night! Don't you know?"
"Lord Iffy, I'll cook anything you want," Stela said. And as she struck a confident pose, she said aside to me, "These other skanks think they can win Lord Iffy over by showing off their bodies. But in the end, it will be my cooking that wins his heart, I do believe."


















Lammy went with classic sexy too when she emulated Marilyn Monroe (stolen from the Asinine News)
Once again, Lord James and Anastasia got a break as Lammy opted for the no-clothes look. She fell in the pool while staggering drunkenly about and Mickey Ratt got the inspiration to shoot pictures reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe.
"And I think I'll get Marilyn Monroe to strike a pose for me too," he said. "After all, she sang once or twice. This is gonna be my biggest selling issue ever, see?"


















Tiffany Blum-Deckler emulated Cher with this cool red dress. That worked. Unfortunately she also tried to sing like Cher.
Since RBUMM is a music magazine and Tiffany Blum-Deckler is always looking for exposure, she had the team make her up like a pop icon. They chose this classic Cher style. The look worked. What didn't is when Tiffany decided to try and sing like Cher too.
"Blimey--she's got me, Babe," Lord James quipped. "Got me running for me ear plugs, that is."
"Well, she does look lovely," Lord Iffy said. "Yes, quite striking. Do pass me a pair of those ear plugs tooh, won't you, Lord James?"























All eyes were on Drizella when she rode in on this lion looking like a Vegas showgirl
The other Spiffies were complaining about nepotism (or they would have been if they knew that word) when the team took Drizella off for a two-hour intensive makeover.
"You won't recognize her!" Anastasia raved before Drizella appeared. And she was right. Jaws dropped throughout the room when an unbelieveably glamorous Drizella rode onstage on a lion.
"Drizzy--heavens, Love, is that you?" Lord Iffy gasped.
"It sure is, Lord Iffy," Drizella shrilled. Sadly, when she opened her mouth she still sounded the same. But boy did she ever look like a million bucks!
"Drizellah, one loves the old you, one's old bean, but blimey, this new fashion of yours stirs me passion! For the most dramatic transformatiohn, I'd be proud to have you, one's old bean, be my date for an evening of outrageous geay in Lost Wages, Oh stop it! You tease!" Lord Iffy said.
"Lord Iffy, I'd love to!" Drizella proclaimed.





















Alison tried to seduce Lord Iffy by telling him she told him she vanted to suck his blood--and his...
Alison had creeped the team out a little with her request to "make me look like something that has just come up from a cold, dank tomb--but sexy. And classy." So they went with the classic vampire femme fatale from the original Dracula. Lord Iffy liked the look. And he didn't mind when Alison started flirting with him. But when she took him into his bedroom, the other Spiffies got upset. Fortunately, the film crew and I managed to sneak in and see what was going on.
"Oh, Lord Iffy," Alison was saying. "Forget those other sluts. Let me suck your blood--and your stiffy--and you'll be mine forever!"
"One can't doh that, love," Lord Iffy protested. "Much as I'd enjoy the jiffy optiohn, FOGNL is paying myself 666,666,666 quatloohs to remain ah virgin until the end of this shoh. If one breaks contract, one loses everything!"

When Lord Iffy refused to lose his virginity to Alison, she went psycho on him

"Is that all you care about--money??" Alison demanded, transforming from the demure Victorian vamp to a shrieking harpy. "I'm offering you eternal love and all you can think about is a paycheck?"
"Well bloohming hell, love, the only thing I've got in my vault is dust and cobwebs!" Lord Iffy protested. "Ah bloke requires to peay the electric bill somehoh! Once the Kobal powah company figures out that Butlah has our line piggybacking orf the Netherworld Hotel, they meay take exceptiohn!"
Just then Frank N. Furter appeared in the doorway, holding a cross.
"Back, creature of the night!" he commanded theatrically.
Alison shrieked and hissed.
"Oh bloody hell, shut up! I can't bear these histrionics!" Frankie demanded.
Alison sat on the edge of the bed, glowering.
"This one's bloody controlling, Iffy," he said. "I advise thinking twice before you pick her to remove your virginity. Seems she's pretty keen on removing your life force too."
"I think I'm ready to do the eliminations," Lord Iffy said. "Grab myself anuhthah bottle of that Victorian Vintage champagne that Alisohn was trying to use to seduce myself with, Frankie, and let's mustah this shoh ohn the road, what?"
"Oh, Iffy!" Frankie groaned. "That swill is 666 Quatloos a bottle!"
"'Eaaars, one knoh, it's ah bit of ah splurge. but aftah all, FOGNL is picking up the tab. Come ohn everybody. I've made my decisions. Goodness me!"
"Ladies, gather 'round," Lord Iffy said. "You all loohked spiffin'! But one does have to naaarroh things down here, soh let myself tell you what I've decided."
"Sandi, you, one's old bean, hit the metal queen nail roysh ohn the old head, love! We're going to have ah pukkah time at the Deahth Cheese concert. I've arranged simply cracking eaaarplugs for you, one's old bean! Come mustah your crest. Mwah mwah, sweetie! Jolly good show old bean!"
"False, you, one's old bean, loohked fancy ah pin-up queen. Unfortunately, those gigantic bosoms of yours will need to be pinned up if you, one's old bean, evah expect to be able to perambulate without pitching forwaaard. If one were you, one's old bean, I'd ask Dr. Quincy to bring them down to ah more manageable size. I'll bring your crest to you--I'd hate to see you, one's old bean, falling ohn your mush. Goohdness me! Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Quinn, you are a classic beauty! You looked simply scrummy in that 1940's pinup girl pose. Come and muster your crest."
"Well I say - Angelique, Black Metal Tinkerbell and Lammy, you lovely totty had myself thinking of hoh many afternoohns one splashed out with ah classic issue of Playboy in hand. You scrummy beauties were rahthah ravishing yet classy. Bloh myself! Hoh pukkah! Come and mustah your crests. Jolly spiffing shoh, daaaahlings!"
"Tiffany, one is loohking forwaaard to seeing you, one's old bean, behind the public house at the Deahth Cheese concert. No-one slings ah pint fancy you, one's old bean, don't you know?! Come and mustah your crest "
"Stelah, dahling, you, one's old bean, aaare one's main dish! That spam gumboh with the spam scones was ah repast to end it all for! Come and mustah your crest, love. One butchah forwaaard to getting things coohking with you, one's old bean, ohn our date! Goodness me!"
"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, you, one's old bean, loohked fie fancy the jolly hockeysticks Chah. And you, one's old bean, should stick to loohking fancy hah. Not to be rude, love, but I've heaaard nails ohn ah chalkboaaard sound more melodic. Come and mustah your crest, me dishy diva."
"Drizellah, one can't believe your transformatiohn! Noh, dane't think you, one's old bean, need to butchah fancy that all the time, for one loves you, one's old bean, as you, one's old bean, aaare, but sometimes it's spiffing to shake things up. Come and mustah your crest love. Jolly spiffing shoh, old bean! Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"I'm terribly sorry but Alisohn, one does beg your paaardohn, but you, one's old bean, simply must jolly well goh. My toohl says 'eaaars, but my jugulaaar vein says 'hell and damnatiohn noh!'"
"Totty, as you knoh, I've asked Drizellah to be my jolly special date in Lost Wages, but the surprise is that we'll all be going there next week to try and win some money to fund our Christmahannukwanzyule bash. Noh, let's head for the Deahth Cheese shoh. It's going to be ah blast!"
I have to say that Lord Iffy is very generous with FOGNL's money. He really knows how to have a good time! Of course I'll be going along for the party. My new line of Death Cheese merchandise is going to sell big!
Hal Itosis