Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 13: Lord Iffy's Wild Turkey Day

Lord Iffy was looking his most festive in a hat designed by Lord James Jacobs and Anastasia, his hair and beard trimmed and styled by Trent's ex girlfriend Monique of Monique's Wild and Hairy Salon, and his nose pierced by Axl of Axl's piercings

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 13: Lord Iffy's Wild Turkey Day

by Dirty Dan

Wow, but Lord Iffy had a great day planned for his Thanksgiving Extravaganza! He told the Spiffies to invite as many friends and family members as each of them wished. It also happened to be the birthday of the great Jimi Hendrix. So Lord Iffy invited Jimi and his girlfriend the Devil Mama to join the festivities, as well as inviting the members of Naked Gymastics for Jesus, because "somehow, they just make any festivities more festive."

Awesome MySpace Comments & Myspace Layouts

False started Lord Iffy's day with a hot, steamy Absinthe and Eucalyptus shower
"Heavens above!" Lord Iffy declared as he headed to the shower. "Well I say - this will be ah pukkah deay! One must be fresh as ah daisy for when my deaaar young cousin Lord James Jacobs and the luverly Anastasiah aaarrive to put togethah my ensemble!"
"I hope you won't mind me helping you get fresh, Lord Iffy," said a very becoming False as she pulled back the curtain to Lord Iffy's shower to let out a cloud of intoxicating Absinthe and Eucalyptus steam.
"Oh, blimey, love, of course one wouldn't mind!" said Lord Iffy. "But you, one's old bean, knoh, my virginity must remain intact."

"But of course, Lord Iffy," False said. "I'm simply going to impress upon you why you should choose me to be the one to remove said virginity."

"Well, I've no argument with that logic, Love," Lord Iffy said. "Impress away!"

Lord Iffy certainly does have a strong will. I know that I wouldn't have been able to wait.

Angelique started the day with a three-way with fellow Ravishing Woo-Woo babe Hotsy Totsy and Happy Wiener fave Scotty MacNesser

When Lord Iffy came out of his shower with False, Brittney was waiting by the door.
"Ah, Brittney!" Lord Iffy said. "Have you changed your mind about being a contestant on me show, old girl?"
"Not in this lifetime or any other," Brittney quipped. "I just wanted to warn you that Scottie MacNesser, that idiot from the Happy Wiener is here."
"Blimey yes! Me mate Scottie! So glad he could come!"
"Oh, he's coming all right. In fact he was bragging about how he beat you to losing his virginity."
"Well, that's a bit of all right, I wot. When was the happy event?" "Just now. Over on your bed. With that Hotsy Totsy skank that almost smothered Axe Man with her gigantic boobs. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go into your bathroom and barf."
Lord Iffy and False looked over on the bed to see Scottie MacNesser sinking his trouser haggis into Hotsy Totsy's Sporran, while Hotsy moaned like the shriekings from the bagpipes of an amateur piper. Angelique, meanwhile, couldn't resist getting in on the action and was coaching Scottie from her position on the face of Hotsy Totsy. "Angelique, you disgusting slut!" False huffed. "Conducting your sleazy skankery on Lord Iffy's bed! You ought to eliminate her, Lord Iffy! She's a total hose monster!"
"Falsie, love, you, one's old bean, aaare ah deaaar to be concerned about myself," Lord Iffy said kindly. "But Angie's doing noh haaarm. She's fie helping my old boy Scottie lose his virginity and fancies to make sure he gets it done roysh. Hoh is things coming, Angie, love? Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Coming right along, Lord Eeefy," said Angelique. "Een fact, ve should all be coming soon, I zink."
"Righty-o, then. Carry on! I'll see you lot downstairs. Hope you dane't mind if one stops to grab one's lingerie. One must jolly well goh for one's fitting with Lord James and Anastasiah. Then the splendid Monique will be giving myself ah new coiff, and I'll be getting ah piercing. Mwah mwah sweetie! Axl of Axl's piercings will be getting the job done. One is ah bit nervous, but it did seem the daaaring thing to doh. Well, cheerioh, old chums. Come along, False. Pip-pip tally hoh! Mustah fancy now! Oh stop it! You teases! You're tempting me soh very much to jump roysh on top of you lasses and give it a goh right now, don't you knoh?!!"

When Lord Iffy went downstairs, he was pleasantly surprised to see what appeared to be two Lammys. Dr. Schitz talked Professor Snewgflo into declaring a truce for a few hours so that everyone could come and enjoy Lord Iffy's party. So Professor Snewgflo and Dr. Schitz arrived with Lammy and Clone Lammy 2.0 as well as Hunky Dory Beefcake, Nurse Violent, and Dr. Schitz' daughter Anna Nicole.
"Dr. Schitz! Soh spiffing to see you, one's old bean," Lord Iffy said. "And you as well, Professor Snewgfloh. Doh make one's self at mansiohn. Ah, and there's my dahling Lammy and the clone Lammy. Mwah mwah, sweeties! Spiffing to see you, again, Mr. Hunky Dory. Feel free to let Lord James and Anastasiah outfit you, one's old bean, as well. They doh ah roysh spiffing job, if one does seay soh meself. Goodness me!!"

Fashion Designer Lord James Jacobs and his adoring assistant Anastasia size up their customers

Quinn thought the pilgrim hat was too dorky, so she asked Hunky Dory Beefcake to help her pick a cool hat because "he has such a, like, great fashion sense."
"Lammy, Hunky Dory is, like, so totally cool," Quinn said. "I think you ought to, like, just marry him right away and stuff. You're, like, so obviously right for each other and everything!"
"But I want to make loooooove to Professor Snewgflo!" said Clone Lammy 2.0
"Well, I totally think you should," said Quinn. "Because I, like, totally want Lord Iffy to be mine. Then we'd all be happy! Don't you agree, Professor Snewgflo?"
"I came for the broccoli," said Professor Snewgflo. "Then I have an important decision to make. I will follow the advice of Lord Iffy with regard to making a great reality show. Then I will blow up the earth or not, depending on what I decide."
















Axl and Monique tend to their victims
"Ewwww! He's so heinous!" Quinn whispered to Daria, who had her hair up in a multitude of curlers as Trent's ex-girlfriend Monique fussed over her hair style.
"I just hope this hair style isn't," Daria whispered to Quinn. "Because these clothes sure are. But I don't want to hurt that Lord James guy's feelings."
"I wish you'd let me pierce your belly button again, Daria," said Axl. "And this time, don't take it out. It would look hot."
"Yeah, Daria, it would!" Trent said.
"No thanks. It itched like hell when you did it eleven years ago and it would itch like hell now," said Daria.
"Yeah, that happens," said Trent.























It really gets the Devil Mama's motor running when Jimi sets his guitar on fire, both figuratively and literally
Then Trent spotted Jimi Hendrix.
"Whoa! That's Jimi Hendrix!" he said.
"Yes it is, Trent," said Daria. "Why don't you go ask him to jam with you?"
Trent instead proceeded to hyperventilate and faint.

Quinn invited about all of her family and friends. From left to right are the newly free and newly out Kevin Thompson, newly improved by Dr. Schitz' DNA treatment to make his zombie self more lifelike; Kevin's soon-to-be ex-wife Brittany Taylor-Thompson, who has surprisingly graciously accepted her longtime love's alternative lifestyle; Trent Lane, who has fainted at the sight of his idol Jimi Hendrix; his wife Dr. Daria Morgendorffer, who assisted Dr. Schitz with the Kevin DNA treatment and was kind enough to wear the hideous outfit that Lord James made for her; and Jane Lane, who was feeling a bit devilish.

"I'll cheer him on, Daria," said Brittney Taylor-Thompson, the soon-to-be ex-wife of the newly outed Undead Zombie, Kevin Thompson. "Go Trent! You can do it! Yay Trent!"
"Uh...thanks, Brittney," said Daria. "Jane, could you pass me a slice of pizza? And maybe a bottle of Irish whiskey? And could you tell me straight up if I look like an ass? I'm afraid to look in the mirror!"
"You look hot, Daria," Kevin said.
"Thanks Kevin. Coming from you, that means so much."
"I hope I look hot. I'm looking for that Dr. Frank N. Furter that Lord Iffy is friends with. That's the kind of stud a BMOC like me wants to be seen with!"
"Kevin, you haven't been anywhere near a campus since your second senior year at Lawndale," Jane said.
"Yeah I have, Jane. I'm the assistant coach over at Miskatonic University for the Fighting Cephalopods! Aubvey got me the job."
"You have to admit, Jane, that's got to be Kevin's dream job. Don't you know?" Lord Iffy said as he approached wearing his festive ensemble. "The blokes ohn the Cephalopod team aaare of legal age and aftah each game there's ah hot steamy lockah roohm full of them. Heavens above! How smashing for you, Kevin!"
"Sounds dreamy," Jane quipped. "Except for 2/3 of that team aren't even human, and 1/3 of the remaining third aren't alive."

Black Metal Tinkerbell opted for an elegant look

Just then Black Metal Tinkerbell entered the room wearing an elegant gown.

"Black Metal Tinkerbell! My, how spiffing you look!" Lord Iffy proclaimed. "Truly a vision! Wouldn't you lot agree?"
"I think she looks like the Thanksgiving turkey!" Quinn giggled.
"Maybe, but not nearly so much as that," said Daria, pointing in the direction of Tiffany Blum-Deckler."
"Now just what point do you suppose she's trying to make?" Jane mused.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler, on the other hand, seems to have pilgrims and shepherds confused

"Oh, Lord Iffy," said Tiffany in her husky voice. "Just look at my genuine Pilgrim costume. Isn't it smashing and stuff?"
"Blimey, Love, it certainly is! Very lacy, elegant and all! History be damned when you can look so bloody amazing, what?"
"I think we're all damned," Daria said. "I just don't know what to make of this hairdo that Monique gave me. Jane! Do you suppose she's trying to get back together with Trent?"

Shania Twain brought her son and her sisters to enjoy Thanksgiving with her and Lord Iffy

Jane's reply was drowned out by the whoop of joy that Lord Iffy gave when he saw Shania approaching with two women and a boy.
"Shania, me salvation!" Lord Iffy said enthusiastically. "Has Dr. Schitz cloned you as well?"
"No, Lord Iffy," Shania laughed. "These are my sisters and my son."
"Blimey! well, it's roysh spiffing to meet the lot of you! Doh come in. It seems that Sandi is about to giz ah lecture ohn the evils of Thanksgiving goodies. One ssurely dane't think this strapping lad requires to giz it ah jiffy thought, but you totty meay wish to listen, one suppose. Jolly good show old bean!"

Sandi warns the partygoers about the horror of Thanksgiving Lard Ass

"Sure--if they want to be exposed to the depths of the inane," Jane quipped.
"Well, I think people SHOULD listen!" PANSI declared. "After all, there's nothing worse than having a fat butt. Except for having a fat butt that hasn't been painted purple."

Drizella invited Anastasia and their mother Lady Tremaine. They are seen with Anna Nicole Schitz and Shania Twain's son, Eja

In the meantime, Drizella had rounded up her sister and mother, plus Shania's son and Anna Nicole Schitz to take a picture with her.
"Isn't this nice, having all the families together?" she said. "Oh, we'll have ever so much fun! Lord Iffy, I've helped to prepare the dinner myself!"
"Well, that should certainly take a miracle to keep down, if anyone can swallow it in the first place," Brittney said as she walked by. "Hey, I have a great idea! Let's all go play dress-up in Lord Iffy's closet!"
"Gosh, that does sound like fun!" Emrald said. "Come on, Kids, let's go make ourselves beautiful!"

Lord Iffy said he wanted a good all-American Thanksgiving, so Drizella, Stela and Soggy served the food on TV dinner trays

With Drizella's help, Stela and Soggy made a true all-American feast. They served the dinner in aluminum TV trays. Lord Iffy had gone to help the kids learn to put on makeup properly. And when they came downstairs for dinner, their parents looked really surprised. But the reactions of Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent were a bit different from Shania's reaction.
"Oh, Anna Nicole! Don't you just look so very grown up!" Dr. Schitz declared proudly.
"I love how Lord Iffy's heavy hand with that eyeshadow makes her look a bit demonic," said Nurse Violent.
"Um...so, Eja," Shania said, forcing a smile. "Did you have fun playing with Uncle Iffy's things?"
"Uncle Iffy is a lot of fun, Mom," said Eja. "He told me all about his nanny Mr. Charlie, and how Mr. Charlie taught him all about makeup and clothes."
"Well, of course all performers do need to know such things," Shania said, looking as if she was about to choke on the turkey she'd just taken a bite of. "And you do come from something of a show-business family."

Bartender Tiffany served one drink to herself for every drink she served everyone else. She called her pals Amy Winehouse and Crackhead Heddy to come over and commiserate about being so wasted.

As usual, Bartender Tiffany served herself a drink for every drink she served everyone else. She was so drunk that she ended up sending a little gift down the toilet for Arsewipe.
"Tiffany, Love, maybe you'd best slow down on the old alky," Lord Iffy said kindly.
"You no, Shiffy, I shink you are too right," said Tiffany. "I just can't do it like a used to. I'm going to call my frendsh Amy and Heddy and cry on their shouldersh about it."

Alison was trying very hard to concentrate on the food rather than on everyone's jugular veins

"Alisohn, Love, you've barely touched this fine feast," Lord Iffy said. "Here, why not have a little wine and some turkey?"
"No thanks, Lord Iffy. I never drink...wine," Alison replied. "And not to insult Stela, Soggy and Drizella, but the turkey's quite overdone. I think I'd like a nice neck...I mean nap."
"Oh, Love, couldn't you stay awake for another few minutes?" Lord Iffy asked. "I think I'm about ready to pop off the eliminations, while sipping on a jolly cup of egg nog, don't you know?"
"All right, Lord Iffy. Then I think I'll head over to Ugly Grace's for a few minutes and see if I can find a victim...I mean, a vaccination. I think I'm overdue for my tetanus shot or something."
"More like rabies shot," Nurse Violent said aside to Brittney.
"Do vampires get distemper?" Brittney asked.
"Totty, gahthah 'round," Lord Iffy said. "I'll tell you, one's old bean, this meay be the most difficult decisiohn this old transvestite Laird has had to make yet. Soh let's be staaarted and then we can have lightah heaaarts the rest of the evening. Goodness me!"
"First, one wants to thank Drizellah, Stelah and Soggy for this jolly hockeysticks repast! Soggy, one haven't ah crest for you, one's old bean, of course, but one hope you, one's old bean, will accept this can of Spam as ah token of one's esteem. Totty, come and mustah your crests."
"Angelique, what can one seay? You, one's old bean, aaare full of the spirit of giving, and one believe that my old boy Scottie Macnessah is terribly thankful for your advice in educating him ohn having ah bit of the old in and out with your luverly old girl Hotsy Totsy, don't you knoh? Doh come and mustah your crest."
"Scottie MacNesser actually got laid? I think I'm going to be ill again!" said Brittney.
"False, love, our showah togethah this morning was evah soh refreshing! Doh come and mustah your crest--and you, one's old bean, aaare welcome to staaart one's morning that weay anytime!"
"Sandi, deaaar, thanking yourself greatly for thinking of uhthers and giving that educational lecture ohn the horrors of Thanksgiving laaard bottom. Doh come and mustah your crest. Spiffing shoh, old bean!"
"Black Metal Tinkerbell, you, one's old bean, did butchah evah soh elegant. One must beg to diffah with those whoh said you, one's old bean, loohked like ah turkey. Come and mustah your crest, love. Heavens above! How smashing!"
"Baaartendah Tiffany, you, one's old bean, have ah jolly giving spirit. But I'd fancy to suggest that perhaps you, one's old bean, cease giving one's self absolutely soh many spirits. Come and mustah your crest. Heavens above! How smashing! And how smashed!"
"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, your frilly costume was most elegant! One paaarticulaaarly loved your lacy knickers. But doh be caaareful with that croohk. I'm terribly sorry but you, one's old bean, neaaarly knocked the stuffing out of myself! Come and mustah your crest."
"Lammy and Lammy. Hoh one does love to watch the paair of you totty dance! You lasses seemed ah bit hypnotized by Tiffany's croohk, one must seay. Perhaps there's still ah bit of sheep in your genes. Dr. Schitz will have to analyze the situatiohn. Come and mustah your crest. You'll have to shaaare it between you lot. One hopes you dane't mind. One is as confused as Professor Snewgfloh when it comes to knowing whoh the real Lammy is, or even if it makes any difference. Goohdness me! Jolly good show old bean!"
"Quinn, one's deaaar, your ensemble was certainly cracking. Rahthah ravishing and bold, one must seay! Hunky Dory hairlairh does have spiffing taste for ah bloke that doesn't cross dress, don't you know? Come and mustah your crest, deaaar."
"Alisohn, one must seay one is ah bit concerned about your habits of late. And you, one's old bean, aaare loohking terribly orf colour. One thinks you, one's old bean, ought to make an appointment with Dr. Schitz. In fact, perhaps it's time for us all to consult the spiffing doctor for ah physical."
"Shaniah, dahling. What I seay to you, one's old bean, I seay with deepest fondness in my breaking heaaart. The cracking thing for you, one's old bean, myself, and your spiffing lad is for me to set you, one's old bean, free."

Shania reacts to Lord Iffy's elimination of her

"Oh, Lord Iffy, you can't be serious!" Shania said, tears springing to her eyes. "I love you! I saved your life! Doesn't that prove it?"
"One's deaaar, you, one's old bean, dane't need to prove a thing," Lord Iffy sniffled. "I love you, one's old bean, with all my heaaart and fancy you, one's old bean, to remain for the festivities and to come beck any time you, one's old bean, wish. But dash it all, love! You, one's old bean, saw it for one's self tonight if you, one's old bean, hairlairh think about it. You, one's old bean, hairlairh dane't fancy this spiffing lad of yours raised by ah stuffy old transvestite laird. One makes ah fine Uncle Iffy, and playing dress-up is ah laaark for any lad, but one must agree that it would be ah bettah thing to come visit Uncle Iffy to mustah tips ohn making ah halloween costume sure to win the prize than to be explaining that Papah Iffy loves the totty and weaaaring their knickers tooh. And you, one's old bean, one's deaaar. You, one's old bean, deserve ah bloke whoh has the energy and enthusiasm that you, one's old bean, aaare soh filled with and whoh loohks spiffing by your side. And whoh wouldn't be inclined to filch your lacy things. Please, deaaar, seay you'll forgive this old Laird and that we'll always be the most cracking of mates. One fie couldn't beaaar it if you, one's old bean, didn't."
"Oh, Lord Iffy, you know I do," Shania said. "And even though it cuts me deep, you're absolutely right."
"One is soh glad, love," Lord Iffy said. "And remembah, if any blightah breaks your spiffing heaaart in the future, your cracking old boy Lord Iffy will be roysh there to giz his goohlies what for with me spike-heeled pump! Bloh myself, hoh pukkah! Well, come ohn, you lot! Dry your eyes! Our spiffing lad Jimi Hendrix and his mates aaare going to perform for us and that's always ah roysh spiffing time, dane't you, one's old bean, knoh? Goodness me!"
At that moment, there was a knock on the door.

Bartender Tiffany volunteers Amy Winehouse to take Shania's place

"That's for me, Lord Iffy," Bartender Tiffany said. "It's my friends Amy and Heddy. Say, Amy is a musician, just like Shania. Maybe you could put her in your show as a contestant?"
"Um...I'd love to, Amy," Lord Iffy said. "But you're still married, Love. It just wouldn't be right, one's old bean."
"Thass allright, Shifty," Amy said. "But maybe you could give Heddy a go. She isn't married."
"Uh...i'll giz it ah thought," Lord Iffy said. "And that thought is, blimey, noh! Sorry, but one fie can't be involved with someone whoh hits the pipe absolutely soh much as Heddy does. Still, you lot aaare welcome to steay and join the geay. Fie promise myself you toasted totty shant puke anywhere that someone might wish to porky down, or in something that someone might wish to eat. Aarsewipe always appreciates your donations, and as you all knoh, the gateweay to his domain is through the crappah. That being said, let the shoh begin! Let's keep this thing going all night! It will be a bash to remembah? Don't you know?"
It cerainly was! I learned a lot. And one thing that I learned is that Hotsy Totsy is a great lay, as long as you keep her on the bottom so she doesn't smother you with her gigantic gazongas like she did to Axe Man when she was a contestant on his show!
Dirty Dan