In King Smut's Aquarium

S.T. Dick

Don't be like S.T. Dick. If you're not in a monogamous relationship, keep covered!
Johnnie Fuckerfaster

The Porn Tree

Not content to stop at tree-hugging, environmentally conscious King Smut has teamed with Dr. Schitz to grow a tree that thrives on people having sex in and around it.
--Lyanne Sakks

King Smut's Reality Spank Bank

Check out some of King Smut's Reality Gonzo Tapes!

King Smut's Spank Bank

Here are some of the King's more humorous films for your viewing pleasure!

Who Will Win Quinn Episode 3b: Fathers and F**kers Part Deux

Tom Sloane's father, Angier, his mother, Katherine, and his sister, Elsie, descend on the Netherworld Hotel

Who Will Win Quinn Episode 2B: Fathers and F**kers, Part Deux
by Kizz Myass

LAST EPISODE CAN BE FOUND HERE

Meanwhile, while all the scandal was going on inside, Tom Sloane was talking to Jake, Coyote, and Vincent about investments, when his father, Angier, showed up, with wife Katherine and daughter Elsie in tow.

"I was just softening 'em up for you, Pops," Tom said.

"Excellent, Son," said Angier. "You're becoming a real chip off the old block! Now, I would suggest to you gentlemen that an investment in Smut Enterprises is the way to go. Why, King Smut makes billions and billions worth of Quatloos in sales every day. Porn, gentlemen, is recession-proof. Why, there's good old King Smut himself going into the Netherworld Hotel now. And whatever he films, I can almost guarantee it will make a fortune!"

Bruce Fairlane's father August, a day trader, joined the fray. I was about dying of boredom because me good old pot o' gold gives me an unlimited supply of Quatloos, so I don't need any of this boring crap. But things soon got more interesting, because Quorthon came running out of the Netherworld Hotel with his hands over his ears and Cowboy Travis serenading him with a song about doin' wrong, and hearts gittin' burnt like toast, and fallin' off a hoss.

"Huh huh huh! Like, what's wrong, Dude?" Butthead asked. "This shitkicker crap hurting your, like, sensitive metalhead ears and stuff?"

"Yeah, yeah! You want us to kick him in the nuts?" Beavis queried.

"Thanks, guys, but that's ok. He really isn't that awfully bad, for someone who plays twangy shitkicker music. It's just that it's too fucking close to what just happened. There was Brittney, and there was Nikki 666, and I didn't even see it coming!"

"Uh...so Brittney, like, fell off a horse? Cool!" Butthead said.

"Yeah! Yeah! And, like, did it poop on her and stuff?"

"Do you guys want me to make you feel like you just fell off a horse?" Quorthon demanded, grabbing Beavis and Butthead by the collars.

"Uh...Chill, Dude!" Butthead said.

"Yeah! Like....take a chill suppository and stuff!" said Beavis.

"See here, my good man, there's no reason for violence," said Angier Sloane. "Why, as I was just telling these gentlemen, Porn is the wave of the future. It's the best investment that you can make, both in stock and in yourself. When your woman has dissed your undead rocker self for a totally hot demon dude, what better way to get back to feeling like a stud among men than to watch some porn? Come on downstairs to the entertainment center and we'll fire up King Smut's Sexy Time Channel 69 right now!"

"Well...I see no reason why we shouldn't check it out, if we're going to be investing in it," said Jake. "What do you say, fellows?"

"Oh, I'm in agreement," said Coyote. "I certainly believe in thoroughly checking out anything I plan to invest in."

"I check out my new investments daily," August Fairlane declared. "And I'm all for checking out this new investment recommended by our good friend Angier."

"Absolutely," said Vincent. "It's the right thing to do, both as investors and as friends to this poor broken-hearted companion of ours."

"Yo, Artie, get some pizzas fired up," said Trent as the group walked through the Netherworld Hotel. "We're going to the Entertainment Room to watch some porn...I mean, check out some investments."

"Yeah! Yeah! Porn! We're gonna score!" proclaimed Beavis.

"No we're not, Fartknocker. We're just going to get all, like, horny and stuff and then go spank the monkey later, like always," said Butthead.

"Oh yeah. Cool. BOIIIIIINGGGGGG!!!!" said Beavis.

"I tell you, I did not see it coming," Quorthon said again as everyone sat down. "I opened that bedroom door and there it was, right in my face! But I didn't see it coming!"

"Well, you'll like what you see coming here, I'm sure," said Angier. "King Smut has set up the hottest, right-at-the-minute candid camera style 100% live sex show for his faithful subscribers. Of which I am one--purely for investment purposes, mind. And here we go."

Joey made a huge gaffe when he sold the video of him, Jeffy, and Jamie getting it on with Quinn to King Smut for 666,666,666 Quatloos

Jaws dropped nearly to the floor, and Artie dropped the pizza he was bringing in. For there was Quinn with Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, and they may have been on the exercise equipment but they weren't exercising in the expected way. Jake began to quiver like a bowl full of Soggy's Lime Jello Surprise as Trent covered his eyes and Daria and Darren led him from the room.
"Come on, Dad, we're going to take you to Brown Bear Brownie to hypnotize you to forget that horrible sight," Daria said.
"I think I'll have him hypnotize me while I'm at it," said Darren. "That was really something I didn't want to see either."
"Well...I have to say, I didn't see that coming either," said Quorthon. "But I do kind of feel better. Not turned on in the least because after all, it was Quinn, and I do like my women to have some semblance of a working brain, but somehow I feel vindicated. Yet guilty, because I think Jake was even more shocked and horrified than I was. At least I didn't do an imitation of a Lime Jello Surprise."
"Whoa! They scored! With Quinn!" said Butthead.
"Yeah! Yeah! Come on, Butthead, let's go down to the gym and see if we can score with Quinn too!" Beavis shouted enthusiastically. And with that, the two were off down the hall like a shot.
"Somehow I don't foresee this ending well," said August Fairlane.
Quinn's horrified face suddenly filled King Smut's video camera and she slapped King Smut.
"I'm sorry, Quinn! I thought he was filming it just for us!" Joey protested, just as the camera blurred and went black.
"Hey, Folks, we're experiencing technical difficulties at the moment," came Chuck Ruttheimer's voice. "That happens sometimes with live filming. But fear not, because we have a good old classic for your viewing pleasure. It's a favorite of both yours and mine, I'm sure. Yam Man's Classic Tantra Training. That Yam Man really knows how to get the chicks. Rowr!"
A now-dressed Quinn, her hair still disheveled, came storming down the hall.
"I am ready to do eliminations now," she proclaimed.
"84, 85, and 86, you guys are totally safe. You're, like, always so adorable and eager to please and stuff. Come here and get your lockets."
"And then come with me after, so we go to Dr. Schitz and have the talk about condoms," said Spooky.
"Flipper, I totally like how you treated my dad today and he totally had fun with you. It was soooo gnarly! Come and get your locket."
"Beavis and Butthead, it was totally sweet of you to let me know what King Smut was really up to. Come and get your lockets."
"Yeah...but when are we going to score?" Beavis demanded.
"Shut up, Fartknocker," said Butthead. "Quinn is, like, tired right now and stuff. We'll score when she isn't tired any more and is ready to, like, come to Butthead."
"Cowboy Travis, I, like, heard you playing a real nice song and it really made me feel...happy and stuff. Come and get your locket."
"Tighty Whitey, Wiggy, Jack and Zack, you came up with, like, a totally happening rhyme even though Wiggy couldn't, like, find his lucky Tupac shirt. Come and get your locket."
"Girl, you freaky!" Tupac whispered to Quinn. "If you ever get tired of these losers you can come to Tupac and get your freak on."
"And when you get tired of his skinny ass and want some extra large lovin' to fill the bill, you can come to Biggie," said Biggie.
"Smelte and Skaale, you guys are always just so cool. Come and get your lockets," said Quinn, after noting something on her PDA.
"Wind, that was such a totally sweet song that you wrote for your dad. Come and get your locket."
"Weasel, I heard about you being, like, Cuzzin Virgil-Joe's surrogate son for a day. That was nice. Come and get your locket."
"Tom and Bruce, I, like, understand that your fathers totally helped my father and some of the other dads make a wise investment. Come and get your locket."
"Shorty Slash and Quorthon the Second, I hear that you were, like, very good sons to your father in his time of need and stuff. If I, like, had sons, I'd want them to totally be helpful to me in my time of need and stuff. Come and get your lockets."
"Ethan, I'm, like, not totally sure what you did other than bringing your father here, but, like, at least you didn't tell King Smut to come down and, like, make a live sex tape to shock my poor father out of his mind and stuff. Come and get your locket."
"Artie, like, thank you for trying to serve pizza to the guys and dads and stuff. It totally isn't your fault that you dropped it. Come and get your locket."
"Joey, Jeffy and Jamie, we've, like, been friends with benefits since high school. And I was totally down with making a sex tape just for us. But Joey, you totally dropped the ball when you called King Smut and told him to just come on over and start filming us. I sooooo can't believe you embarrassed me like that! I'm sorry, but you're gone. I just totally can't handle it! Paris, like, totally tried to warn me about stuff like this, but I just, like, didn't listen to her wise wisdom because I guess I was, like, thinking with my crotch and stuff."
Joey left with head in hands wailing like a banshee. Quinn started to cry too.
"Aw, hey, Quinn, I'm sorry about that," Buzzoff said, wrapping his big leathery wings around her. "Here, why don't we go to the massage room and Buzzin and I will play you a nice soothing little tune while Buzzin gives you a well-deserved massage."
Faith and begorrah, but I thought she'd already got quite a massage from Joey, Jeffy and Jamie as it was! Well, cheerio, Joey. One more falls by the wayside on the road to finding the right mate for the fair Quinnie!"
Kizz Myass

Who Will Win Quinn Episode 2: Video Vixens and Celluloid Studs

Quinn was ready to appear in the big video shoot

Who Will Win Quinn Episode 2: Video Vixens and Celluloid Studs

by Dirty Dan

Hot damn! All the rock star boys and other studs whose arms Quinn is considering adorning with her fine self were showing off for her to see who would win a date with her to the Death Cheese show tonight. Of course if it is one of the Death Cheese boys, she'd give them their date after the show. Maybe in the meantime I can convince her that a studly reporter like me is really her best bet. The competition was taking place at the Netherworld Hotel. When Quinn arrived after her morning shopping spree, it was about noon. Mystik Spiral was the first band that would be filming, since Quinn would be comfortable performing with her brother-in-law and the friends she'd known throughout her school years. But Trent said the crack of noon was too early to get started with the shooting, so he'd want to get some ideas for the video itself first. So Quinn put the guys to work.

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie showed off their acrobatic skill

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie did some sort of really athletic, acrobatic, and, to be frank, homoerotic dance routine. Dr. Frank N. Furter loved it. Trent told them that if they put on their clothes and used some hula hoops "or something like that. Whatever." they were in. They were excited because they'd be performing with Quinn, and that was the whole idea. As a good will gesture, they told Buzzoff that he could be in the video too.
"Cool!" Buzzoff said. "I'll have the spawns jump through some hoops and Buzzin can straif the band with water balloons! It'll be great!"

Ethan and Wind brought in Jesus Ramirez, founder of the Church of Holy Smoke, to join them in a rousing chorus of spiritual song

"Oh! Jesus!" I said a moment later, as Ethan and Wind strode through the door with Jesus Ramirez, founder of the very popular Church of Holy Smoke.















PANSI is enraptured at the sight of Jesus

At first, PANSI was very excited when she saw Jesus.
"Oh, JESUS, My LORD and SAVIOR!" she squealed. "You've finally come to take me away from this horrible, sinful place!"
"Sure, Darlin', right after I finish helping my buds here film their cool video. It's really spiritual and stuff," Jesus said.
"Oh, GOD!!!!!!" PANSI shrieked. "Why must you torture me with these visions that look like heaven but are really just another thing from hell?"
PANSI ran from the room sobbing. A startled Jesus held out a joint. "Baby! Don't worry, it won't take me long!" he protested. "Here, chill out and have a hit off this!"
"Thanks, Man," Dr. Doo Doo said, taking the joint from Jesus.
"Well! Ethan and Wind! You certainly look...mostly naked," Daria said. "Come on, Quinn, quit staring. I don't think you're supposed to be looking at the Lord's package that way."

Trent was appalled at Daria's outfit
"Daria?" Trent called from his position on the couch.
"What is it, Boo?" Daria teased.

"Daria, it's about that outfit you're wearing. Its...uh...well...really wigger. It's un-mellowing my vibe and stuff."

Daria agreed to appear in Whitey Crackajack's video--for a price "Yo, Trent, Babe, chillax," Daria said. "I got this handled."
"Well, I hope you don't ever wear that thing to bed. It's totally a boner-killer."

The guys in Whitey Crackajack agreed to do housework, yard work and babysitting free on demand anytime Daria or Trent called
"Yo, Trent!" Tighty Whitey called.
"Well, you guys look the same as ever. You're always a total boner kill. Which that's ok, but I think you're a boner kill for chicks too. Uh...or whatever it is for chicks. What the hell did you guys do to my wife?"
"Nothing, Trizzay. Swear! We did not get bizzay with your hizzay," said Zack Crackajack.
"Zack, you call me a hizzay again and I'll shove this chain where the sun don't shine," Daria said.
"Yo, sorry, G," said Zack. "You look totally gang with a capital G, yo!"
"Yah, you look slammin', D!" said Jack Crackajack. "If you wuz havin' a show with your sizzy, I wouldn't be able to choose, yo!"
"Well, thanks, Boys," Daria said. "But why don't one of you tell Trent why I'm going to be in your video?"
"Yo, it's like this, T," said Wiggy Wigtowski. "Your girl D agreed to be in our vizzy if we wuz down with doin' the babysizzle and the yard wizzle and the grocery shizzle."
"HUH?" Trent asked.
"What he's saying in some semblance of English, Trent, is that these four wiggertastic homies are at our beck and call whenever we need babysitting or yard work or odd jobs done. That's what I get for dressing like a complete idiot like this."
"Oh. Cool." Trent said. "Still, don't ever wear that outfit into our bedroom. I just don't want to think about you that way."
"I do," said Jack, who was subsequently elbowed from both sides by Zack and Tighty Whitey.

Flipper thinks he's a star

"Quinn! Look at this hot video I made of myself," Flipper said. "It's all about Flipper. It stars Flipper. It's all Flipper all the time, just like I know you want."
"You mean, I hope, that it's a video showing how much you want to be in a video with Quinn," Buzzoff said.
"Yeah, that's what I said, Bug Juice." said Flipper.
"Well, jiggle buns, I suggest you buzz." Buzzin said. "Buzzoff and I need to confer with Quinn."
Flipper sidled away, grumbling.
"Quinn, that guy is trouble," Buzzin said. "When I came into the kitchen, he tried to spray me with Raid. Granted, he didn't know that's what I use for breath spray. But I think you need to know, he has an attitude problem."

Bruce Fairlane hopes to appear with Quinn in a cool and arty video Before Quinn could respond, Bruce Fairlane approached with a video of his own.

"Hi Quinn," he said. "I wondered if you'd check out my video concept. I got Evil Ed and Soggy to help me block out the idea, and Spooky filmed it."
"Spooky's is the grouchy voice you hear bossing everyone around and telling us that everything we're doing is crap," Evil Ed said.
"Now, Bruce, you've got the attitude to have when you're approaching people to sell them on your idea!" Buzzoff said. "Thanks. We'll look it over."
"Now, there is a human you'll want to consider spawning with, Quinn," Buzzoff said. "He's got a nice personality and he seems to have a few brain cells that actually work."
"Helllooooo, Qvinnn," a voice called across the room. Heads turned, because at first it sounded like The Spooky Guy. But everyone knew that he would never hit up on Quinn, nor would he use that sort of come-hither voice in any circumstance.

Spooky's sons were spawn-minding while waiting their turn to perform

Quinn turned to see Spooky's son 84 sitting on the couch drinking a beer. His sons 85 and 86 were on the floor playing with various spawns.
"You can come sit over here with me, Qvinn," 84 said. "And ve shall discuss how you shall be queen of our video today."
"Ooooh, I like that!" Quinn said, getting close to the Swedish petri dish spawn. "I want to be queen of you guys' video!"

Shorty Slash decided to put himself between his cousins and Quinn

At that moment, Shorty Slash slid between his cousin and Quinn just as 84 was going for the smooch. Instead of Quinn's lips, 84 ended up with a mouth full of Shorty Slash's hair. Shorty turned and blew smoke in 84's face.
"Chill out, Cuz." he said. "And go get you one of these from Jesus Ramirez. He's giving them out free. Quinn, Baby, being a queen is all good, but me and my brother Q2, we'll make you a GODDESS in our video!"
"BLAST FEEMY!" an unhappy PANSI called as she bustled through the room with a tool box.
"What are you doing, PANSI?" Buzzoff asked.
"I'm building my own church!" PANSI sniffed. "And I'm not letting Spooky or Pooh or any of you guys mess it up for me!"

The boys had Artie doing what he does best--serve pizza

"PANSI, wouldn't you like some lunch first?" Artie called as he came into the room carrying a pizza.
"Are you CRAZY??? PANSI squealed. "That would go right to my hips! Then I'd look like The Cheese Mistress, or Mrs. Weirdso, or my sister Daisy!!!!"
With that, PANSI slammed the screen door and went out into the yard to attempt what was sure to be a disaster.
"Look, Spawnies, food!" said 85, and before anyone else could approach, the table was besieged by spawns.
"Ve hope you have more of this, Artie," said 86.
"Ya. Ve are hungry." said 84.
"Not a problem, Guys, Soggy and I anticipated this," said Artie. "That's why we fired up the old brick ovens in the back. We've got 666 pizzas in various stages of readiness."
"Great--probably all tainted with Spam," grumbled Spooky.
"Well, you're in a fouler than normal mood," said Quorthon. "Soggy may be Spam obsessed, but Artie here seems like an intelligent young man. Surely he had the good sense to make non-Spam-tainted pizzas."
"Quorthon, you better come here and see this!" Hellspawn's drummer Sandy West said.
"Ya, Son, this is a very bad problem," said Quorthon's adoptive aunt Greta Garbo.

Everybody followed Sandy to the locker room off the Netherworld Hotel pool. Eyes widened and jaws dropped at the sight before them.

Axe Man decided to direct Jenni Riff and Brittney II of Hellspawn in his own personal photo shoot
There in the bathroom stood Axe Man with a camera. He was directing Quorthon's daughter Brittney II and her bandmate Jenni Riff in a topless photo shoot. The sound of squeaky groaning and explosive gas came from one of the stalls.
"BRITTNEY!!!!!!!!!" Quorthon shouted.

Jenni thought that exposure in RBUMM would be good publicity for her band

Brittney II seems to share her uncle Spooky's love for tools

Brittney and Merlin were working on choreography for Hellspawn's video

Someone loaded Mickey Ratt's kibble with laxatives

Even Skaale and Smelte were disgusted by Axe Man's behavior

"Axe Man! That not cool!" Skaale said.

"Ya! You supposed to be here for Quinn, not take dirty pictures of Quorthon dottirs," said Smelte.

"What is it, Q?" Brittney asked as she entered the room. "Merlin and I were working on choreographing our kids' video so as to minimize that idiot Quinn's impact. What is this moronic fish man saying about Axe Man taking dirty pictures of our daughter?"

"Just look!" Quorthon said, his face going from white to volcanic red. "It is right here in front of our eyes! Just look at what this sleaze bag Axe Man is doing with our daughters!"
"I wasn't aware that Jenni was one of ours, but whatever. Spooky, the Whoop Ass, please. Axe Man, before you die, I just want to say to my daughter that she's a real chip off the old block. Even without that hammer, she'd take you to pieces. Good work, Dear, I'm proud of you. And Mickey Ratt, I thought you were supposed to be in charge of this photo shoot. Where the hell are you?"
"Yo, I'm in the stall here, Brittney!" Mickey groaned. "Some bastard spiked my rat chow wid Ex Lax!"
"I think I know that certain Norwegian plague upon us all," Brittney said. "Well, Boys, I'm ready when you are."

A hissing sound was heard as Quorthon I and II opened their cans of Whoop Ass in unison with Brittney, Spooky, and Aunt Greta

As the hissing of Whoop Ass being opened reached from Axe Man's ears to his slow brain cells, he decided that it was time for him to make a hasty exit. He tried to crawl through the bathroom window but ended up getting his belt stuck in the sill. As the angry relatives and friends of the girls struggled to bring him down to the just ass whuppin that was coming to him, he managed to slide out of his pants and out into the yard, where he made a run for it.


















Weasel cheered on the ass whuppin
"Yeah, Brittney! You go girl!" said Weasel. "Uh, both Brittneys, that is! Whooo!"
"Oh, this is the worst!" Quinn sobbed. "Axe Man is such a sleaze!"


















Tom was right by Quinn's side in her time of need
"Certain half jackal freaks don't change their spots, Quinn," Tom Sloane said, putting his arm around Quinn. "But I'm here for you, Babe."
"It's Axe Man's brothers that are half jackal, Tom," said Brittney. "Axe Man is all jackass."























Cowboy Travis was ready to take Quinn for a long, slow ride in the country to comfort her
"Aw, Quinn, Babe, don't cry," Cowboy Travis said. "Looky here, I done wrote a little song for y'all to cheer ya right up!" But before Travis could start to sing, a deep, moronic chuckle followed by a higher pitched idiotic titter assailed Quinn's ears.

Beavis and Butthead offer Quinn a nice relaxing swim, massage, and shower--and she takes them up on it

"Uh, so, like, Quinn, after you're done listening to this fartknocker sing his shitkicker crap, we got a real treat for you and stuff," said Butthead.
"Yeah, yeah!" said Beavis. "Like, Buzzin rented us his massage room for an hour. So you and us can...uhhh....like...." Beavis' face was crimson and he couldn't control his embarrassed giggle. Butthead socked him in the arm.
"Shut up, Butt Goblin, before she thinks we're just a couple of butt dumplings. Yeah, so Quinn, we got some champagne from Hal's Club..."
"Probably cost all of 666 Quatloos," said Daria.
"Shut up, Diarrhea!" said Beavis.
"Don't nobody say 'Diarrhea,'" Mickey Ratt groaned as he staggered from the stall. "I oughta castrate Axe Man with me teeth! I just know he's the one who loaded my rat chow with Ex Lax so he could schmooze the goils into thinkin' he was the substitute photographer, see? I'm real sorry, goils."
"It's okay, Mickey," Brittney II said. "There was no way he would have touched either of us unless he wanted to feel the wrath of Brittney's Silver Hammer."
"Yo, that's a cool idea! Let's cover that Beatles song!" said Shorty Slash.
"I guess I ought to do the eliminations," said Quinn. "Guys come on over. I've made my decision."
"Beavis and Butthead, I'm totally going to take you up on your offer of a massage and champagne. I'm soooooo stressed out! Come and get your lockets."
"Shorty Slash, it was sooooo totally awesome the way that you told me you wanted me to be the goddess of your video. And Quorthon the Second, it was sooooo, like, chivalrous and stuff the way you defended your sister and your gal pal. Come and get your lockets." "Tom, I totally can't thank you enough for standing by me. You are so my angel! Come and get your locket."
"Smelte and Skaale, I'm sooooo totally stoked that you guys aren't a couple of sleazes like your band mate. Come and get your lockets."
"84, 85, and 86, it's sooooo totally awesome the way you guys are always being so nice to those spawn things and that you want me to be the queen of your video. Come and get your lockets."
"Joey, Jeffy and Jamie, you guys are soooooo awesomely acrobatic! Come and get your lockets."
"Artie, you're soooooo awesome for making sure nobody goes hungry. Come and get your locket."
"Ethan and Wind, I totally had no idea how totally spiritual you guys are. I'm, like, totally inspired and stuff! Come and get your lockets."
"Travis, it was soooooo totally sweet of you to write a song for me. Come and get your locket."
"Wiggy, Tighty Whitey, Jack and Zack, I think it was totally cool of you guys to let my sister be in your video, even though she isn't as hot as me. Come and get your lockets."
"Weasel, I'm, like, totally sorry we didn't get to spend more time together this time. Thanks for, like, cheering Q2 and Shorty Slash's family on. Come and get your locket."
"Bruce, I'm totally looking forward to working with you on your video, and I totally know that my brother-in-law Trent and his band are, like, so totally into it. It's so awesome! Come and get your locket."
"Flipper, it's, like, really cool and everything to realize your star power. But since I'm, like, totally the star of this show and stuff, you need to make sure that your creations include me and everything. Come and get your locket."
"And now before we finish up, I think you all totally know who I'm booting from the show. But I just can't, like, even make myself say his heinous name. Buzzoff, would you please do it for me?"

Buzzoff tells Axe Man: Three Strikes and You're Out! Then goes to jam with him
"Sure, Quinn, I'll be glad to," Buzzoff said. "Yo, Axe, I know you're probably listening from the woods. And I have to tell you, what you did was just about as low as it can go. So here's how it goes. Buddy, you went right past the first two strikes and right on to steee-rike three, and you're outta here! Uh--and I'll see you in about an hour for rehearsal."
"Oh, Buzzoff, that was totally awesome!" Quinn gushed, clapping her hands. "But before everybody goes, there's one more thing I want to say. You know, I am so totally stoked having Buzzoff as my Riki Rachtman, but I have, like, twice as much drama to deal with as Daisy does, so I, like, need two Riki Rachtmans."
"So you need me to clone Buzzoff?" Dr. Schitz asked.
"No, that's ok, Dr. Schitz. But I wanted to ask Buzzin if he'd be my second Riki Rachtman."
"I'd totally be glad to," Buzzin said, clapping his legs over each of his three mouths.
"I told you that you wouldn't be able to stop yourself from saying it!" Buzzoff proclaimed. "And now you owe me 6666 Quatloos!"
With that, Quinn went off with Beavis and Butthead to the spa. Everyone else was going to do their thing for the videos or band rehearsals, except for Jenni Riff, who sat looking at the ground.
"Hey, Jenni, why so down?" Shorty Slash asked. "If its cause you had your picture taken naked, don't worry about it 'cause in the Netherworld, it's a way big honor to get your bare butt in RBUMM. Me and Q2 are going for our photo shoot tomorrow, and if Axe Man tries to snag the camera from Mickey like he did today, we'll take a piss on his feet!"
"Did Axe Man do something more than take photos of you?" Quorthon the Second demanded. "Coz if he did, I'm gonna take his axe and shove it up his ass!"
"Oh, guys, it's not that," Jenni said. "It's just that...well, it's stupid, really. You know how I grew up in a home for unwanted kids coz my father left and my mother was a druggie and couldn't take care of me. Well, when I was about 13 there was this boy who was about 16 who started working in the kitchen and he would bring your pappa's music in to listen to while he worked, and he could see how much I liked it, and he liked me coz I was always volunteering to come down to the kitchen and help him since he treated me good. So he gave me a cheap tape recorder and every couple weeks he'd bring me tapes. And whenever the creepy so-called counselor, Mr. Asgrab, would bring me into his office and make me do stuff to him so he wouldn't send me to the place where they put the violent kids, I would think about the music and imagine that your pappa was my big brother and that one day he'd come take me out of that shitty place. So, you know, when he mistakenly said daughters instead of daughter, well, I suppose that old dream was still there and I found myself wishing even now that I could be part of my hero's family."
There wasn't a dry eye as boxes of Hal's Club Snot Rags (on sale for 6 boxes for 666 Quatloos this month at Hal's Club) were passed around. Quorthon grabbed a handful, gave a foghorn-sounding blow from his nose, and then sat down beside Jenni.
"Jenni, listen," he said, taking her hand. "I have this problem, and the thing is, you are the only person in the Netherworld--actually, you are the only person in the Universe--that can take care of it for me."
"Whatever it is, I'll try my best," Jenni said. "I just hope that I can. I'm not good at very much, you know. I'm a clumsy zombie that got wasted and fell off a cliff and ended up dead, and that's about the best thing I ever did. The only thing I know how to do is play the guitar. But I will do whatever I can for you."
"Well, you see, the thing is, when I was alive, I always liked for my life to have balance. Now that I'm undead, I like for my unlife to have balance. And you see, I have one daughter and two sons. This is very nice, but not awfully balanced. So I was wondering if you might be willing to come to the Netherworld Adoption Agency with me and help me put this situation into balance."
"Oh yes, of course I will!" Jenni declared, now weeping happily as she hugged her soon to be adoptive father. "I guess it took a long time and it happened a little different than I dreamed of, but I did get my wish after all."
"Boy, you'll all be lucky if the Curmudgeon's Club doesn't revoke your membership after that sappy display!" Brittney said. "Well, come on, let's go dispense with the niceties. I only have one rule for you, Jenni. If I ever catch you saying "totally," and going into Buzzin's spa with Beavis and Butthead, I'm totally going to open a can of whoop ass on you. Fair enough?"

"Absolutely!" Jenni said.

I decided to talk to Quorthon's adoptive aunt Greta Garbo about her nephew's decision to add Jenni to his relatively new brood of laboratory-created spawn. "Greta, what do you think about becoming the great-aunt of a zombie?" I asked. "Oh, she's a very nice girl, and I think she will fit in very well with our undead family, though she isn't really much of a curmudgeon," Greta said. "I'm going to take her to see Dr. Quincy tomorrow. He's having a two for one skin graft special, and while she's quite well preserved for someone who's been dead for 20 years , there are a couple of spots that could use a little tidying up. Oh yes, and I am somewhat glad to know that she's a vegetarian zombie. It's one thing to walk into Dr. Schitz' lab and see brains in jars. It's quite another to open the refrigerator and see brains and other body parts looking back at you."
Well, all's well that ends well. Quinn may have a long way to go to get her guy, but Quorthon and Brittney have a new undead daughter, and Axe Man may think twice before he decides to pull a Creepy Peeper on any more undead and laboratory spawned lasses. But probably not.
Dirty Dan