Who Will Win Quinn Episode 3b: Fathers and F**kers Part Deux

Tom Sloane's father, Angier, his mother, Katherine, and his sister, Elsie, descend on the Netherworld Hotel

Who Will Win Quinn Episode 2B: Fathers and F**kers, Part Deux
by Kizz Myass

LAST EPISODE CAN BE FOUND HERE

Meanwhile, while all the scandal was going on inside, Tom Sloane was talking to Jake, Coyote, and Vincent about investments, when his father, Angier, showed up, with wife Katherine and daughter Elsie in tow.

"I was just softening 'em up for you, Pops," Tom said.

"Excellent, Son," said Angier. "You're becoming a real chip off the old block! Now, I would suggest to you gentlemen that an investment in Smut Enterprises is the way to go. Why, King Smut makes billions and billions worth of Quatloos in sales every day. Porn, gentlemen, is recession-proof. Why, there's good old King Smut himself going into the Netherworld Hotel now. And whatever he films, I can almost guarantee it will make a fortune!"

Bruce Fairlane's father August, a day trader, joined the fray. I was about dying of boredom because me good old pot o' gold gives me an unlimited supply of Quatloos, so I don't need any of this boring crap. But things soon got more interesting, because Quorthon came running out of the Netherworld Hotel with his hands over his ears and Cowboy Travis serenading him with a song about doin' wrong, and hearts gittin' burnt like toast, and fallin' off a hoss.

"Huh huh huh! Like, what's wrong, Dude?" Butthead asked. "This shitkicker crap hurting your, like, sensitive metalhead ears and stuff?"

"Yeah, yeah! You want us to kick him in the nuts?" Beavis queried.

"Thanks, guys, but that's ok. He really isn't that awfully bad, for someone who plays twangy shitkicker music. It's just that it's too fucking close to what just happened. There was Brittney, and there was Nikki 666, and I didn't even see it coming!"

"Uh...so Brittney, like, fell off a horse? Cool!" Butthead said.

"Yeah! Yeah! And, like, did it poop on her and stuff?"

"Do you guys want me to make you feel like you just fell off a horse?" Quorthon demanded, grabbing Beavis and Butthead by the collars.

"Uh...Chill, Dude!" Butthead said.

"Yeah! Like....take a chill suppository and stuff!" said Beavis.

"See here, my good man, there's no reason for violence," said Angier Sloane. "Why, as I was just telling these gentlemen, Porn is the wave of the future. It's the best investment that you can make, both in stock and in yourself. When your woman has dissed your undead rocker self for a totally hot demon dude, what better way to get back to feeling like a stud among men than to watch some porn? Come on downstairs to the entertainment center and we'll fire up King Smut's Sexy Time Channel 69 right now!"

"Well...I see no reason why we shouldn't check it out, if we're going to be investing in it," said Jake. "What do you say, fellows?"

"Oh, I'm in agreement," said Coyote. "I certainly believe in thoroughly checking out anything I plan to invest in."

"I check out my new investments daily," August Fairlane declared. "And I'm all for checking out this new investment recommended by our good friend Angier."

"Absolutely," said Vincent. "It's the right thing to do, both as investors and as friends to this poor broken-hearted companion of ours."

"Yo, Artie, get some pizzas fired up," said Trent as the group walked through the Netherworld Hotel. "We're going to the Entertainment Room to watch some porn...I mean, check out some investments."

"Yeah! Yeah! Porn! We're gonna score!" proclaimed Beavis.

"No we're not, Fartknocker. We're just going to get all, like, horny and stuff and then go spank the monkey later, like always," said Butthead.

"Oh yeah. Cool. BOIIIIIINGGGGGG!!!!" said Beavis.

"I tell you, I did not see it coming," Quorthon said again as everyone sat down. "I opened that bedroom door and there it was, right in my face! But I didn't see it coming!"

"Well, you'll like what you see coming here, I'm sure," said Angier. "King Smut has set up the hottest, right-at-the-minute candid camera style 100% live sex show for his faithful subscribers. Of which I am one--purely for investment purposes, mind. And here we go."

Joey made a huge gaffe when he sold the video of him, Jeffy, and Jamie getting it on with Quinn to King Smut for 666,666,666 Quatloos

Jaws dropped nearly to the floor, and Artie dropped the pizza he was bringing in. For there was Quinn with Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, and they may have been on the exercise equipment but they weren't exercising in the expected way. Jake began to quiver like a bowl full of Soggy's Lime Jello Surprise as Trent covered his eyes and Daria and Darren led him from the room.
"Come on, Dad, we're going to take you to Brown Bear Brownie to hypnotize you to forget that horrible sight," Daria said.
"I think I'll have him hypnotize me while I'm at it," said Darren. "That was really something I didn't want to see either."
"Well...I have to say, I didn't see that coming either," said Quorthon. "But I do kind of feel better. Not turned on in the least because after all, it was Quinn, and I do like my women to have some semblance of a working brain, but somehow I feel vindicated. Yet guilty, because I think Jake was even more shocked and horrified than I was. At least I didn't do an imitation of a Lime Jello Surprise."
"Whoa! They scored! With Quinn!" said Butthead.
"Yeah! Yeah! Come on, Butthead, let's go down to the gym and see if we can score with Quinn too!" Beavis shouted enthusiastically. And with that, the two were off down the hall like a shot.
"Somehow I don't foresee this ending well," said August Fairlane.
Quinn's horrified face suddenly filled King Smut's video camera and she slapped King Smut.
"I'm sorry, Quinn! I thought he was filming it just for us!" Joey protested, just as the camera blurred and went black.
"Hey, Folks, we're experiencing technical difficulties at the moment," came Chuck Ruttheimer's voice. "That happens sometimes with live filming. But fear not, because we have a good old classic for your viewing pleasure. It's a favorite of both yours and mine, I'm sure. Yam Man's Classic Tantra Training. That Yam Man really knows how to get the chicks. Rowr!"
A now-dressed Quinn, her hair still disheveled, came storming down the hall.
"I am ready to do eliminations now," she proclaimed.
"84, 85, and 86, you guys are totally safe. You're, like, always so adorable and eager to please and stuff. Come here and get your lockets."
"And then come with me after, so we go to Dr. Schitz and have the talk about condoms," said Spooky.
"Flipper, I totally like how you treated my dad today and he totally had fun with you. It was soooo gnarly! Come and get your locket."
"Beavis and Butthead, it was totally sweet of you to let me know what King Smut was really up to. Come and get your lockets."
"Yeah...but when are we going to score?" Beavis demanded.
"Shut up, Fartknocker," said Butthead. "Quinn is, like, tired right now and stuff. We'll score when she isn't tired any more and is ready to, like, come to Butthead."
"Cowboy Travis, I, like, heard you playing a real nice song and it really made me feel...happy and stuff. Come and get your locket."
"Tighty Whitey, Wiggy, Jack and Zack, you came up with, like, a totally happening rhyme even though Wiggy couldn't, like, find his lucky Tupac shirt. Come and get your locket."
"Girl, you freaky!" Tupac whispered to Quinn. "If you ever get tired of these losers you can come to Tupac and get your freak on."
"And when you get tired of his skinny ass and want some extra large lovin' to fill the bill, you can come to Biggie," said Biggie.
"Smelte and Skaale, you guys are always just so cool. Come and get your lockets," said Quinn, after noting something on her PDA.
"Wind, that was such a totally sweet song that you wrote for your dad. Come and get your locket."
"Weasel, I heard about you being, like, Cuzzin Virgil-Joe's surrogate son for a day. That was nice. Come and get your locket."
"Tom and Bruce, I, like, understand that your fathers totally helped my father and some of the other dads make a wise investment. Come and get your locket."
"Shorty Slash and Quorthon the Second, I hear that you were, like, very good sons to your father in his time of need and stuff. If I, like, had sons, I'd want them to totally be helpful to me in my time of need and stuff. Come and get your lockets."
"Ethan, I'm, like, not totally sure what you did other than bringing your father here, but, like, at least you didn't tell King Smut to come down and, like, make a live sex tape to shock my poor father out of his mind and stuff. Come and get your locket."
"Artie, like, thank you for trying to serve pizza to the guys and dads and stuff. It totally isn't your fault that you dropped it. Come and get your locket."
"Joey, Jeffy and Jamie, we've, like, been friends with benefits since high school. And I was totally down with making a sex tape just for us. But Joey, you totally dropped the ball when you called King Smut and told him to just come on over and start filming us. I sooooo can't believe you embarrassed me like that! I'm sorry, but you're gone. I just totally can't handle it! Paris, like, totally tried to warn me about stuff like this, but I just, like, didn't listen to her wise wisdom because I guess I was, like, thinking with my crotch and stuff."
Joey left with head in hands wailing like a banshee. Quinn started to cry too.
"Aw, hey, Quinn, I'm sorry about that," Buzzoff said, wrapping his big leathery wings around her. "Here, why don't we go to the massage room and Buzzin and I will play you a nice soothing little tune while Buzzin gives you a well-deserved massage."
Faith and begorrah, but I thought she'd already got quite a massage from Joey, Jeffy and Jamie as it was! Well, cheerio, Joey. One more falls by the wayside on the road to finding the right mate for the fair Quinnie!"
Kizz Myass