Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 19: Spiffy Freudian Slips

Dr. Fraud






















And Emrald










With the help of me, the fabulous Crystal Balls

Team up to analyze the dreams of Lord Iffy and the girls

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 19: Spiffy Freudian Slips
by Crystal Balls

Hello everyone! Crystal Balls here. I'm the brother of Mystic Xenia and one of Lord Iffy's fabulous transvestite chums. We have a very special show today. You see, the amazing Dr. Fraud, the glamorous Emrald, the fabulous Dr. Frank N. Furter, and myself, are going to hypnotize Lord Iffy and the girls and analyze their dream interactions using Dr. Frank and Dr. Fraud's patent pending dream machine. Dreams don't lie, so this should be amazing and very revealing.

"Totty, we've ah spiffing opportunity todeay to assist myself in finding out which of you, one's old beans, is hairlairh here for myself," Lord Iffy said. "You each mustah ah chance to kip with myself..."

"Doesn't that sort of ruin the whole virginity thing, Lord Iffy?" Sandi asked.

"Well, it would if I meant 'have sex,' Sandi," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - but one hairlairh doh mean kip. And while we're snoohzing, The dream it machine will record our dreams and then Dr. Fraud and Emrald will analyze them. Heavens above! How smashing! Now who wishes to be first?"

"I do, Lord Iffy," False said. "I have nothing to hide."

False is a very dreamy fairy

False and Lord Iffy lay down on the bed together and the dream began. Now, I must say, I did expect to see a bit of the sort of thing that King Smut might like to put into a film like last summer's release, A Midsummer Night's Shag, but instead the dream went something like this.

Lord Iffy recalls childhood memories at the playground

In the dream, Lord Iffy was a youth of perhaps fourteen. He was wearing a schoolboy uniform and looked none too happy. False flitted up to him on her green gossamer wings and asked him what wish she could grant for him. And Lord Iffy gazed at False fondly and said: "A beautiful green dress the color of your wings, if you please, Miss Fairy. Ahzolutle Top Hole--I have to say!"

So False conjured up a green dress for young Lord Iffy and gave him a kiss on the forehead. When Lord Iffy woke up, he was smiling. "Blimey, that was a lovely dress, False," he said. "One does soh hope you, one's old bean, might conjure one that one can weaaar in real life. Jolly good show old bean!"

Sandi shows her true colors

"Oh, Lord Iffy, I want to be next!" Sandi demanded. "After all, I can't cheat like that magical little shape-shifting green cheater. You know that what comes from my mind will be all true and wonderful like me."

"Well, porky roysh down, Sandi," Lord Iffy said. "And let's see what we dream togethah. Jolly good show old bean!"

Initially in the dream, Sandi was walking towards Lord Iffy. Lord Iffy was wearing a fabulous green dress with a blue, green and purple feather boa and dancing to show tunes. Sandi wanted to look at least as fabulous if not more so. And as she looked at Lord Iffy, she began to grow blue, green and purple feathers. Her legs turned to birds' legs. Lord Iffy looked at Sandi and began to laugh, and as he laughed he was transformed into a peacock.

Lord Iffy was having great fun strutting about in peacock form, but Sandi became more and more miffed, and she awoke with a start, which in turn woke Lord Iffy.

"Heavens above--what a lark!" he declared. And then he began to giggle. "I'm terribly sorry but doh you, one's old bean, believe it, Sandi? We were peacocks! Well, I was ah peacock and you, one's old bean, were ah peahen. Roysh spiffing, what? Ahzloohtlee topp hole--I have to seay! Well, whoh is next to dream ah little dream with myself?"

Lammy flashes Lord Iffy her wares but he has other concerns
(NOT STOLEN FROM ASININE NEWS! I SWEAR!)

Lammy strode into the bedroom stark naked.

"Hey! That's cheating!" Quinn shrieked.

"Is not," Lammy said. "We aren't going to be having sex, just sleeping together, remember? And I always sleep naked, after all."

"EEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!" Quinn shrieked. "Lord Iffy! Do something!"

"Well, roysh is roysh, Love," Lord Iffy said. "And aftah all, Lammy and one will simply be sleeping togethah. But it could make for some jolly rahthah ravishing dreams. If one borfs Lammy in one's dream, does one's soul lose its virginity? Ah, hell, one's soul lost its virginity yeaaars agoh, or at least when one got busted trying to drive home from the Ravishing Woohh Woohh aftah pounding beck 6 zippy colas. You, one's old bean, knoh those things aaare well orf with shine, roysh? Anyweay, one neaaar to blew one's cork when the jolly comely Detective Benson patted me down to snatch my keys. Ahhhhhzohlutle top hole--I have to say!"

"Lord Iffy, if you'd like, I can pat you down," Lammy said.

"Well, one feaaar that might bring myself ah little toohh close to losing myself virginity in real life, love," Lord Iffy said. "Soh let's kip ohn it and see what happens. This meay be the last shoh todeay...I dane't knoh if one can hold out much longah!"

In the dream, Lord Iffy had a date with Lammy. So he decided to go to Magik Tan and get a spray-on tan. But somehow the tan only ended up covering his torso, leaving his arms and legs completely white. When he stepped out of the booth to demand that things be made right, he found himself in Stonehenge. And there was a naked Lammy coming towards him.

"Blimey! What do I do now?" Lord Iffy muttered to himself. "One butchah ah roysh bottom with this mucked up tan, soh one does! One must fix this before one borf Lammy. If one dane't mustah this bloohming fake tan made roysh, she'll fie laugh at myself. Maybe if one sneak orf this weay I'll find Enditall and she can be of assistance to myself in fixing this dog's dinnah. Don't you know?"

"Lord Iffy, over here!" Lammy called, waving her arms. "I'm all yours. Take me, you manly stud in women's clothing!"

But Lord Iffy was so preoccupied with getting his bad fake tan fixed that he walked right by Lammy, continuing towards Enditall's house at the foot of the hill. Enditall cackled with glee and thumbed her nose at Lammy as she let Lord Iffy in. A moment later, Lord Iffy woke with a start.

"Bloody hell! That was one feckin' horrible dream!" he gasped. "Well I say - Enditall got myself intoh hah hice and toohk orf hah cluhthes! It was rahthah unfortunate! Sorry, Lammy, my woohd has turned to pulp, one feaaars. but believe me, if anyone could cause myself to toss the rules to mustah ah toss, it would be you, one's old bean."

Will Quinn be Lord Iffy's plastic fantastic lover?

"How about me, Lord Iffy?" came a shrill voice. Quinn stepped into the room wearing her bra and panties.
"Oh! She's such a slut!" Sandi huffed.
"Well, Quinn, perhaps you, one's old bean, can take one's mind orf the sight of Enditall's waaarty green bosoms hanging to hah knees," Lord Iffy said. "Here, porky beside myself, one's golden dove, and it's orf to dreamlands with us!"
Lord Iffy really did think that Quinn looked attractive in her lingerie, but it became clear that that he also thought that Quinn was plastic. He dreamed that she was a doll, standing before him in a box with some grooming accessories.
"Well...not quite sure where that came from," Lord Iffy said when he woke to see Quinn glaring at him. "What can I say, Quinn? You're a real doll in my eyes! Jolly good show, old bean!"

Stela has Lord Iffy dreaming of childhood and soup, beautiful soup

"Well, Stela, I'm sure that any dream of you will be roysh scrummy," Lord Iffy said as Stela lay down beside him. "Let's get cooking, shall we? Jolly good show, old bean!"

Lord Iffy didn't dream of beans, but he did dream of himself as a lad watching green peas by the thousands being poured into a stew pot. Soggy appeared, playing his pipe and carrying cans of Spam to add to the mix. Fellow reality star Flavor Flav brought some of the mixture up to check it for flavorfulness, and when it was determined that the mixture was just right, a smiling Stela dipped in a spoon and invited young Lord Iffy to take a taste.

"Oh Stela," Lord Iffy said as he awoke. "I'm terribly sorry but you will make myself some of that jolly hockeysticks soup, shant you, one's old bean? It reminded myself of one's days at schoohl, except that you, one's old bean, aaare kind and spiffing and dishy, not ah hideous, stingy, Quasimodo-like blightah whoh gave us each ah measure of some hideous, impalatable slopp and struck us with ah rulah when we said 'please, sir, meay one has something else? This is bloohming rahthah unfortunate!'"

"Of course I'll make you some soup, Lord Iffy," Stela said. "I'm glad we had such a fine dream together. If you choose me, I'll make you soup any time you like."

"I'm terribly sorry but it's tempting, love, truly it is. But one must giz each of the totty their faair time. Baaartendah Tiffany, why dane't you, one's old bean, come porky here beside myself and let's see what we dream togethah."

Lord Iffy sees Bartender Tiffany's true self

In the dream, Lord Iffy and Bartender Tiffany were on a date at Pasta Fazool and Dirty Sanchez' bistro. The champagne flowed freely and Bartender Tiffany got drunker and drunker. She was slurring her words and saying silly things and made Lord Iffy laugh.

The dream was nothing unexpected or startling. Lord Iffy patted Tiffany's hand.

"Tell you, what, love, why dane't you, one's old bean, bring up some champagne for the eliminations?" Lord Iffy said. "There's ah spiffing filly."

Dr. Frank N. Furter is the stuff of dreams

"We've one left, Lord Iffy," Dr. Frank N. Furter said. "Our shy mouse, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, was attempting to make an escape. Don't worry, Tiffany, it's completely painless, I assure you. And it might even be a bit fun. Why don't you try and find out?"

"Oh...all right," Tiffany said reluctantly. "But only if Bartender Tiffany can bring me a good stiff one. A drink, I mean! That's all I meant, Dr. Frankie!"

"Well, of course it is, Love," Frank said. "Bartender Tiffany, while you're at it, why not bring a glass for each of us and leave the champagne bottle. There's a good lass. Well, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, this ought to have you feeling more relaxed. Just lie down beside Lord Iffy and dream a little dream. That's all you have to do."

Tiffany Blum-Deckler's alter-ego returns

Tiffany began to dream, but it wasn't about Lord Iffy. In the dream she was walking down the path between Lord Iffy's house and the Netherworld hotel, when she was transformed into the gay serpent man that she had become when Enditall had wreaked havoc with her crystal ball at the VILE awards. Tiffany woke with a start and ran off down the hall to shut herself in one of the guest rooms.

"Blimey, something certainly has her in a lather," Lord Iffy said. "Sandi, Quinn, you, one's old beans, aaare hah friends. Why dane't you, one's old beans, see what you can doh to be of assistance to hah?"

"Maybe she just needs another drink," Bartender Tiffany said. "That usually does the trick for me. I'll bring her a glass of champagne."

"I think she'll feel better if she has a bit of split pea and Spam soup," Stela said. "I'll get a bowl for her."

"I'll cast a spell to open the lock," False said.

The girls opened the door and gasped in union.

Tiffany fantasizes about the time she was turned into a gay serpent man by Enditall and turned on by Dr. Frank

Tiffany Blum-Deckler sat on the bed with her hands down her panties. She hadn't noticed the other Spiffies yet, and she continued to masturbate, moaning "Oh, Dr. Frankie! I want to be your gay serpent man!"

As Lord Iffy approached the room, the other girls held him back.

"But totty, what is the problem?" Lord Iffy asked. "If Tiffany feels terribly gutted, it will doh hah well to have myself chinwag to hah, dont' you old beans think? Goodness me!"

"Not right now, Lord Iffy," said Bartender Tiffany. "You see, she's petting her kitty cat."

"Well, why should that buhthah myself? One dane't mind cats especially. One has rahthah ah spiffing lint brush. Noh let myself in, shant you, one's old bean?"

"No, Lord Iffy, you don't understand," said Sandi. "What Drunkard Tiffany meant to say is that Fashion Club Tiffany is stroking her gopher."

"Why didn't one knoh about this menagerie soohnah?" Lord Iffy asked. "Well, all the more reasohn one needs to chinwag to hah. One can see noh that she was afraid myself finding out about hah animals. Goodness me!"

"More like her animal lusts," Quinn said.

"Bloohming hell! You, one's old bean, dane't mean to seay she's bin having it orf with hah pets?" Lord Iffy gasped.

"No, no, nothing like that, Lord Iffy," said False. "You see, Tiffany is in there polishing her pearl."

"Soh she wanted to giz myself ah peaaarl necklace--or was envisioning myself giving hah one? Well, that's noh trouble. I do love pearls, after all. Heavens above! How smashing!" Lord Iffy said.

Finally Lammy blurted out "oh, for Heavens sake, Lord Iffy, let's cut to the chase. She's masturbating!"

"Well, one dane't see what's soh rahthah unfortunate about that," Lord Iffy said. "I mean, aftah all, the thought of relieving myself of my virginity is ah tempting one, what?"

"Lord Iffy, I hate to be a snitch, but she isn't masturbating over you," says Stela. "Just listen for yourself."

"Oh Dr. Frank! I want to be your gay serpent man." Tiffany groaned. "I want to slither myself all around your hot, sexy body!"

"Gor blimey!" Lord Iffy gasped, blanching.

"Iffy, old skate, I'm terribly sorry for the trouble that my mistake of a few months ago continues to cause," Dr. Frank said. "If I'd had the least inkling that the hot serpent man whose trouser snake I was so enjoying fondling was your lass Tiffany, you know I never would have...or at least not until you'd eliminated her."

"One knohs that, Frank. And one is not fagged, hairlairh. Fie ah little staaartled that she actually enjoyed it absolutely that much. Well, to each their own, what? I seay, whenevah Tiffany finishes with hah...um...peaaarl-polishing, send hah downstairs, what? One thinks it's time for ah little champagne and the eliminations. One thinks one knohs all one needs to knoh. Don't you know?"

When a flushed Tiffany Blum-Deckler came downstairs, Lord Iffy was sipping champagne as Bartender Tiffany massaged his shoulders.

"Well I say - totty, one is ready to doh the eliminations," Lord Iffy said. "My, that dream machine certainly was revealing, wasn't it?"

"Baaartendah Tiffany, I'd fancy to present the first crest to you, one's old bean. At this moment in time, you, one's old bean, knoh fie what one needs. Here you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Jolly good show old bean!"

"False, that luverly dream about the luverly gossamah dress was simply splendid. Doh come and mustah your crest, love. Ahzloohtlee topp hole--I must seay! Heavens above! How smashing!"

"Quinn, you, one's old bean, aaare one's dream doll. You, one's old bean, should practice the saintly aaart of silence more often. Don't you knoh? Doh come and mustah your crest."

"Sandi, dreaming of you, one's old bean, and myself as peafowl truly made myself giggle. Doh strut up here and mustah your crest! Jolly good show old bean!"

"Lammy, meay one seay your knockers almost knocked the rest of the totty out of the contest todeay. But one is hanging tough for the 666,666,666,666 quatloohs promised myself by FOGNL. Doh come and mustah your crest, one's spicy little ewe. Oh stop it! You tease!!" Lord Iffy protested not terribly vehemently as Lammy flashed him her breasts once again.

"Stelah, your coohking skills aaare ah dream come true. Doh come and mustah your crest. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."

"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, dahling, let's fie seay...I knoh! One is not angry in the least, but you must jolly well goh your own weay. Sadly, you, one's old bean, will nevah be able to be what you, one's old bean, dream of being--at least not without paying Enditall ah few quatloohs to be of assistance to you, one's old bean, in achieving what you, one's old bean, have...envisioned. But one will tell you, one's old bean, this. Frankie will borf you, one's old bean, whethah or not you, one's old bean, aaare the...um...creature of your dreams. I fie knoh you, one's old bean, can't expect him to be faithful. Frankie shags whatevah strikes his fancy, dane't you, one's old bean, knoh?"

"Hurray!" Tiffany squealed, as she ran off to find Frankie.

"That hairlairh was jolly disturbing," Lord Iffy said. "I think that dream machine is roysh dangerous. Ought to be locked in ah vault somewhere, one must seay."

"Totty, Valentine's deay is fast approaching and we need to plan for the celebratiohn. But perhaps not todeay. Todeay, let's fie eat, drink, and be merry. But especially drink. Because one had more than one dream that it was Tiffany what toohk one's virginity--and noh one can't stopp thinking of hah as ah jolly serpent chap trying to slithah hah weay intoh Frankie's knickahs. It's ah visiohn one fancies to mustah out of one's head quick sticks, one must seay! Heavens above! How smashing! Now let's get smashed!"

No-one disagreed, and it was indeed a smashing afternoon. I bet my sister Mystic Xenia could have predicted it!

Crystal Balls