Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 12A: VILE Mayhem

Lord Iffy's gaudy Halloween get-up and wasted visage won him a well-deserved VILE award for Most Vile Outfit

Who Wants To Shag Lord Iffy Episode 12: VILE Mayhem

by Janice D'Ackinson

Lord Iffy and the Spiffies boarded the Vogon Space Cruiser to take part in a special costume extravaganza to precede the VILE Awards show. When Enditall read the following article in the Crappy Times' Netherworld Style News, she decided that her style was so 500 years ago and something must be done to give her an edge over the competition.

The Psychology of the Halloween Witch
by Henry McHenry and Spencer Spencer
Fashion and Trend Psychologists
McHenry: Today's witch. She's busy. She's tired. She needs a little spice in her life.

Spencer: This is the Old Faithful of Halloween characters, so she's probably traditional. But just because she's green doesn't mean she wants to settle for second best where dating is concerned. The costume that'll impress her most: Show her you can relate to being busy, traditional and maybe a little evil by wearing a vampire or devil get-up.

(the article where Enditall read the advice)

Enditall definitely wants a little spice in her life. After all, it's been more than two years since Wolfie dumped her for the Dog Faced Girl and then her new main squeeze the Alien Guy dumped her for Wolfie, and several months since she went into the Tartarus ATF office in the guise of a porcine dominatrix to stick it to the Head Pig in Charge.

"By Uranus, I'm tired of flying solo," Enditall cackled. "I assure you, I will be the winner of the costume contest, me pretty! Then Lord Iffy will know that I have class and style just like him, and he'll choose me!"

So with the help of Soggy and his side project band, the Spammy Pipers, she set out to conjure the horrific great old one Azathoth and implore his help.

Enditall calls Azathoth to get a spell to insure her victory in the costume contest

"Oh great Azathoth," Enditall said, "I'm the unluckiest witch in the Universe. I can't get no satisfaction. I think that Lord Iffy may be my last chance at getting hitched. I need to win that costume contest to get myself closer to him. Isn't there something you can give me to help me?"

Azathoth bubbled about in the cauldron, dancing to the music of the Spammy Pipers. Then a brilliant flash of light filled the room. A moment later a delighted Enditall was gazing at a shiny crystal ball in her hand.

Enditall's magical gift from Azathoth

"Oh, Enditall, this very special gift from Azathoth!" Soggy said. "You just look through at subject and concentrate and it turn them to true form! Now, you throw nice ham and potatoes into cauldron with Azathoth for payment and him be very happy!"
"I'll even throw in a pumpkin pie as a special treat!" cackled Enditall. "This is great! I have that costume contest in the bag now!"

Stela dressed as an elf

When Enditall stepped out into the hallway, the first Spiffy she saw was Stela, who was dressed as an elf.
"O.K. magic crystal," Enditall cackled. "Let's see what you can do for me."
Enditall gazed at Stela through the crystal and Stela was drastically transformed.

Enditall's mystical crystal turned Stela into an elephant

"Hee hee hee! I guess that's what she gets for cooking and eating so much!" Enditall tittered with glee. "Let's see who my next victim will be!"
With that, Enditall set off to wreak havoc on each of her rivals in turn.
















Tiffany Blum-Deckler as a geisha























The crystal transformed her into a gay serpent man

"Oooh--kinky!" said Enditall. "That was a surprise. Lord Iffy isn't gay, but Frank N. Furter might like this one. I'll have to let him know."

Quinn dressed as a giant kiss























She was transformed into a jar of piss

"Well, I'm quite sure that Lord Iffy won't find you terribly appealing now, my little urine sample," Enditall cackled. "I'll be back to flush you later. Right now I have other victims to transform."

Sandi dressed as a queen honeybee

She became Sandiracula, Queen of the Undead

"Hmmm....not much of a surprise there," said Enditall. "She always did strike me as being a blood sucking control freak. Speaking of blood sucking control freaks, here comes Alison."

Alison, the glam goth vampire

Was turned into a Spam Spire, like this elegant snack tray that Soggy enjoys serving guests such as his chums Gracie Allen and George Burns at the Netherworld Hotel

"OH SOGGGY!!!!" called Enditall. "You might just be interested in this. Well, well! What do I see but Angelique dressed as a virgin. Now there's a stretch! She's going into the suite with that corny hypnotist fellow. That's not a stretch. Someone needs to fix her little red wagon! I just don't know why Lord Iffy keeps that slut around!"

Angelique dressed as a virgin, which I must admit is a huge challenge for her

But before Mesmer Hypno could give her the giant orgasm she was seeking, she was transformed into a giant sturgeon

"Lets see you be anything but tonight's feast, you fishy-smelling chippie!" Enditall cackled, skipping out the door to find her next victim.

Bartender Tiffany thought her silver shirt could transform her into a rock goddess instead of a drunk groupie

Fittingly, she was transformed into a bottle of red rum

"Isn't that a hoot?" Enditall guffawed. "The boozer becomes the booze! Oh my--there's Lord Iffy with Dr. Schitz, and he looks upset. I best hide and hear what he has to say."
"Dr. Schitz, I simply cannot believe your dreadful timing, old sod," the already drunk Lord Iffy slurred. "I mean, kidnapping Lammy--what were you thinking, old son? I need her for the show! She's my favorite Spiffy, excepting all the rest of them, of course. Heavens above! How simply...dreadful!"
"Lord Iffy, calm down and stop swilling that shine or you'll never make it to the costume contest," said Dr. Schitz. "I'll let you borrow my clone Lammy for the night. Then after the clone Lammy has sucessfully seduced Professor Snewgflo, I'll let you have the real Lammy back. How does that sound?"
"Well, I suppose it could work," Lord Iffy agreed. "But are you, old bean, sure nobody will be wise to the Clone Lammy?"
"Positive," said Dr. Schitz. "It looks and acts just like the real Lammy. I'm sure that when you see her, you'll be quite impressed."
"Jolly good, old bean. Let's shee her shtuff, then. Heavens above! How simply smashing!" said Lord Iffy.
"My, how simply smashed Lord Iffy is!" cackled Enditall. "By the end of this night, I will be the only choice for him! Oh yes!"

Lammy--or rather, the clone Lammy--was a classy disco queen
(click here to see her smooth moves with partner Hunky Dory Beefcake)

She was turned into a jumping bean

"Drat Lammy! She's about the biggest threat to my winning Lord Iffy's heart!" Enditall grumbled. "Well, a clone is just as susceptible to this unholy magic as the real thing. Show me what you've got, Ball!"
And with that, the clone Lammy was transformed into a jumping bean.
Hunky Dory Beefcake didn't seem to notice or care. He just kept on strutting his stuff.
"Jumping Jack Flash, that's a gas, gas, gas!" Enditall declared. "Let's just see who I can zap next!"








Drizella as Snow White

Drizella was Snow White. The costume wasn't much of a stretch, but in a clever twist, she put on a little play about Snow White's life. She played Snow White.

"Curse that Drizella--she's so prim and proper!" complained Enditall. "Surely she has a skeleton in her fantasy closet somewhere! Let's expose the darkest recesses of her mind, Ball!"

Drizella was transformed into Coal Black, a Jamaican transsexual porn star

"Ooh my--that's rich!" tittered Enditall. "Lord Iffy will certainly kick her out the airlock when he discovers what she's packing between her legs! Oh my, and just in time, here's our dear sweet Shania, thinking she's going to score points with Lord Iffy by wearing that little tennis get-up. You may be looking for a score of love-love, Shania, but I've got something far more surprising to serve you!"

Shania dressed as a tennis pro

She was transformed into a Scotsman on a horse, and a passing Blancmange challenged her to a game of tennis

"Splendid," cackled Enditall. "That should keep her occupied for a while. Of course I know those blasted fairies will be immune to the spell. I'll need to disguise myself to trick them and then I'll get them into the docking bay and flush them out the airlock. This is perfect!"























Enditall's True Inner Self

Enditall looked into the crystal ball and concentrated on her own reflection. There was a flash of light and when she looked again she saw herself--with the face of a pumpkin.
"My true inner self is a pumpkin person?" she said, dismayed. "I was hoping for something more interesting and way scarier. Well, I suppose, after all, my favorite season is Fall and my favorite day is Halloween and I love pumpkin pie. And the Pumpkin Marauder is pretty scary. Well, we'll have to make the most of it. Maybe I can at least trick those wretched fairies."

False

Black Metal Tinkerbell

As False and Black Metal Tinkerbell were immune to the crystal's transformational powers, it would be up to them to save the others unless Enditall could stop them. So she approached them with a worried look on her gourdy face.
"Oh my dear fairies," she crooned in a croaking voice. "I need your help! A dreadful creature has taken Lord Iffy and a bunch of his lady friends hostage! Sadly, my squashy magick was not powerful enough to stop him."
"Well, where is this creature?" False demanded.
"He's still in the docking bay. He forced them all into his dreadful spaceship. When I tried to cast a spell on him, he just laughed and ate my wand. Oh my dears, I know your magic must be powerful. Perhaps together we can stop him!"
"Lead the way, Pumpkin Witch," said Black Metal Tinkerbell.
When they got to the docking bay, False and Black Metal Tinkerbell looked around.
"Where is his spaceship?"False asked.
"Has it already taken off?" inquired Black Metal Tinkerbell.
"No--but when the next ship lands, you two winged twits will be sucked into space!" Enditall cackled, pushing them into the airlock. Before they could respond, she had sealed the door with a magic lock.
"Now to tell Lord Iffy that a tragedy has befallen the other Spiffies," Enditall cackled wildly. "Tonight is the night that I win Lord Iffy for myself!"
Will False and Black Metal Tinkerbell escape, or will they be sucked into space when the next transport vehicle lands? Stay tuned!
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!