Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 20: The Mother of All Rockin' Birthday Bashes

Spinal Tap are (Left to Right) Derek Smalls, Nigel Tufnel, and David St. Hubbins. Nigel was born February 5, 1948 making him 61 this year

Duff McKagan of Velvet Revolver (formerly of Guns n Roses) was born February 5, 1964. He is 45.

Alice Cooper was born February 4, 1948. He is 61.

Lord Iffy was born February 14, 1958. He is celebrating his birthday all month. Lord Iffy is the singer. His fellow band members are other members of the Straight Transvestites Club, including big bad Leprechaun Kizz Myass on the accordion.

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 20: The Mother of All Rockin' Birthday Bashes
by A Fungus From Yuggoth

When Lord Iffy woke up this morning he was in high spirits as he gathered the Spiffies together.

"Totty, as you know, my birthday is Valentines Deay," he said. "But one will be celebrating all month. And this weekend will be an especially powerful celebratiohn because some of one's cracking mates in the rock world aaare celebrating their birthdays. We'll be having the bash to end all bashes at the Venusdome tonight. Bloh myself! Hoh simply spectaculaaar, one must seay! Why, we will be celebrating the birthdeay of none uhthah than Nigel Tufnel of the jolly splendid Spinal Tap. One of one's oldest and deaaarest mates is Nigel. Haaard to believe he'll be sixty-one. Then again, soh is one's old boy Alice Coohpah. One of one's jolly favorite yanks is spiffing old Alice. Then we've Duff McKagan of Velvet Revolvah. Anuhthah spiffing yank, Duff is. Still ah young buck toohh. Fie forty-five this yeaaar. And we'll have absolutely the group of staaars to wish them many jolly returns. Mystik Spiral will be performing. Ectoplasm Attack will be there and one heaaars that Spoohky has invited one of his musician friends from the material world to teaaar things up. Kid Rock will be joining us. That should be simply pukkah! And then of course the mighty Deahth Cheese will finish things orf with ah bang. Oh, totty, what crumpets, jam and teah it will be! Of course one and some of one's friends will be performing as well to giz everything that simply spiffing touch. Noh, let's mustah ready. The shuttle to the Venusdome should be aaarriving at any minute. Heavens above! How smashing!"















Axe Man swigs space mead and tries to bust into the craft of Lammy or some clone Lammys to get a piece of ass. Fortunately Buzzoff is on hand to save Axe Man's fool ass

The Vogons stopped by to give Death Cheese a ride but complained all the way about the "whyavfgqusness of the majority of the performers."

"I have never seen such a deplorable lack of Splunge!" moaned Viceroy Fyjuw Camltow. "Between that McKagan fellow and Ectoplasm Attack, there is already a veritable black hole of quasi-gazjorousness in this line-up. Add to that the semi-jatyferousness of the likes of Mystik Spiral. Top this off with the unparalleled zajury of Kid Rock. The slight tinge of Splunge in Spinal Tap's repertoire can hardly make up for this..."

"I cannot believe you would accuse Spinal Tap of the glorificosity of Splunge!" interrupted Demi-Viceroy Xdd Nutt. "They are the veritable valmores of the music world. Splunge Lite is giving them far too much credit. Though they are not nearly so eyotrious as Ectoplasm Attack. They are, however, almost as dozlowerous as Mystik Spiral."

"Still, we shall partake of the maloferous strains of Death Cheese this night," said Viceroy Camltow. "It makes the yeomac rise to my slovah to think of it."

When Axe Man beheld the two clone Lammys in the shuttle pulling up alongside the Vogon craft, his Norwegian wood stood up and took notice.

"Lammys! Extra good ass!" he declared.

He took a swig of space mead, opened the airlock, and jumped out onto the space craft with intent to chop his way in and get a piece. Fortunately for Axe Man, Buzzoff was paying attention. Because although the space mead granted him the ability to breathe in space and withstand the far below freezing temperatures, he had no ability to fly or navigate his way around the icy vacuum. Buzzoff also leapt out the airlock and flapped up to Axe Man on his leathery wings.

"Come along, Axe Man. We'll see them in the VenusDome," he said in his agreeable way. That Buzzoff is certainly a nice byakhee. He always goes for the diplomatic approach.


















Bartender Tiffany pals around with Kid Rock

Upon arrival, Bartender Tiffany was awaiting with drinks for all. Kid Rock had already taken her up on the offer of a beer and they posed for a picture together.

"Great jacket, Kid," Buzzoff said.

"Thanks, Buzzoff," Kid Rock said. "I hope we'll be jamming together tonight."

"Of course we will!" Buzzoff said. "But what I can't wait for is the Big Bass Jam. Now, though Nigel and David usually play guitar, as you know, when they play Big Bottom, they all play bass. As a bassist myself, I'm just so thrilled to be invited to provide a fourth bass."

"And with Duff McKagan being one of the guests of honor and a bassist, well, there's a fifth bass," said Kid Rock.

"Of course Cliff Burton of Ectoplasm Attack will provide a sixth bass," said Buzzin.

"Don't forget Max from Mystik Spiral," said Bartender Tiffany. "There's a seventh bass."

"I've heard there will be an eighth bass," I said. "Spooky's old friend Necrobutcher is visiting from the material world. And if Quorthon opts to bring out his bass, well, there's nine."

"This is really getting exciting!" Buzzoff said. "If Eddie brought his bass, that's ten. It's a veritable bass orchestra!"

"Dr. Schitz is probably here. And I'll bet he brought his bass," chimed in Buzzin."

"Do you fellows think this is a good idea?" came a voice. "I tell you, the consequences could be disastrous to the space-time continuum to have that many basses playing at once! It forms a fearsome non-Euclidian angle at its vortex."

"Oh, don't worry about it, Einstein," I scoffed. "Cities on my planet are full of non-Euclidian angles. What's so great about Euclidian angles anyway?"

"Well, this may be all good and fine for your planet," Einstein said. "But for other worlds..."

"Just because its dangerous on Earth doesn't mean it will be a problem on Venus," Buzzoff said. "That's part of the reason we arranged to do the big Bass-Off here. We bassists have been discussing this for months. Don't worry about it. I bet the cloud cover will absorb the thickness of the notes or something."

"You are a smart enough fellow, which is a rare thing for a member of the Death Cheese band," said Einstein. "But you are not a physicist. Mark my words, Buzzoff. This is dangerous. You ought to call it off."

"And miss the chance to play with ten other great bassists? Never! Come on, Buzzin! You need to practice humming the bass line so you can join us too."

"I've heard that Bowser from Sha Na Na may be here," Buzzin said. "He's my hero! If he's here, we'll sing the bass line together!"

"This may open a rift in the space time continuum like no other," Einstien groaned. "I may have to contact the authorities."

"Oh dear," Lord Iffy said. "One must jolly well goh aftah him. Authorities will put ah dampah ohn festivities, and that would not be optimal paaartying atmosphere. Don't you know? Bloh myself! Al! Wait for me, old chap!"























Stela teams up with Soggy and the Swedish Chef to create a birthday feast

For the moment, everyone's attentions were caught by the variety of unique smells.

"Come on--let's follow that delicious aroma!" I said.

When we got to the kitchen, we saw Stela working with Soggy, the Swedish Chef, and a moose.

"Buzzoff! Buzzin! Fungus! Look! Swedish Chef and moose join us!" Soggy said. "And see--we make pretty birfday cake, cool birfday cake, and Spam cake. And also Spam appetizers. Because Soggy hear that Alice Cooper love Spam."

"I do indeed, Soggy," Alice said. "Thank you for thinking of me. You see, when I was a child growing up, I always loved fried Spam sandwiches."

"They make Alice what he is today!" Soggy said.

Alice was being followed by Alice from Wonderland, the Mad Hatter, and the Harried Hare.

"Oh my ears and whiskers! Am I late for the celebration?" the hare inquired.

"No, you're just in time," I said. "Death Cheese hasn't started playing yet."

"Yeah. Chill out, Bunny Rabbit," said False. "Come and have a nice piece of cake."

"Oh, that does sound good. I hope it's carrot cake," said the Rabbit.

"Rabbit, old bunny, we have several kinds of cake available for your culinary pleasure," Lord Iffy said. "Come, all of you, sit at the table of honor. I doh believe that Mystik Spiral is about to start the festivities. Heavens above--how smashing!"























Mystik Spiral jams

Mystik Spiral did indeed start the festivities. Stela served cake, Soggy served Spam, and False replaced the Mad Hatter's tea with absinthe.

"Alice Cooper is my hero," said Alice from Wonderland. "He's the coolest!"























Quinn, in an outfit designed by Trent's ex, Monique

"Well, I don't blame you there," said Dr. Daria. But Quinn, what the hell is that you're wearing? You look like a reject from the superhero academy!"

"For your information, your husband's ex-girlfriend designed this to my specifications," Quinn said.























Monique also outfitted Sandi

"You think that's goofy-looking, Daria, you should get a load of what Sandi's wearing," Jane Lane said.

"Yoo hoo, Lord Iffy!" Quinn called. "What do you think of my outfit?"

"And mine, Lord Iffy," said Sandi. "I believe that mine's waaaay sexy. Don't you?"

Daria and Jane with Lord Iffy

Lord Iffy had been sharing absinthe with the Mad Hatter. What False didn't know is that Cupid had spiked False's absinthe with Love Potion #69. Lord Iffy was practically drooling on himself.

"Totty, I say to blazes with this bloody contest thing. Let's us, the three of us, go and shag. Right now!"

"Um...Lord Iffy, I wouldn't advise that," said Jane.

"Think of your contract, Lord Iffy," Daria said. "Think of the green stuff!"

"Well, dash it all, Daria, it's the blimey green stuff that made me realize how much time I've wasted waiting to get shagged!" Lord Iffy said. "And believe me, if you birds weren't all committed and monogamous and the like, I'd be inviting you for a good shag as well."

"That's not like Lord Iffy," Jane whispered to Daria. "Granted, he's always a randy old virgin. But he's usually far more respectful."

"Agreed," Daria said. "We have to check out that absinthe. I'll take a sample over to the lab. In the meantime, Fungus, don't let Lord Iffy shag anybody, or all bets are off. And believe me, he can't afford that crumbling old mausoleum he calls a mansion without this 666,666,666,666 Quatloos that FOGNL is going to pay him for completing his contract with them. Come on, Jane, let's get a sample of the Absinthe over to the lab and see what its spiked with."
























Steak Thru the Heart Head Chef Rotten Ralph's man-hungry younger sister, Repulsive Rhonda

One guest that didn't need any spiked absinthe to make her blood boil with lust was Rotten Ralph's sister, Repulsive Rhonda. Rhonda is always hungry for man meat. And the objects of her lust at this moment were none other than the horrified gentlemen seen in the picture below.
















Spooky and Necrobutcher react to Repulsive Rhonda's advances

"Come on, Boys," Rhonda hissed. "Let me sink my teeth into your manly bits!"

"Back, creature of the rubbish heap!" Necrobutcher commanded, striking a melodramatic pose. "I warn you, I know Hong Kong Phooey!"

"Uh...Necrobutcher. Perhaps it would help if you chose a different threat," Spooky said. "I do not think this she-fiend will take terribly serious your knowledge of an old cartoon."

"Will you be quiet? I am trying to save our trouser lutefisks from grievous insult!" Necrobutcher said.

"Well, this is very fine, I agree. But your approach demands assistance. Therefore, toothsome hose monster, observe that I am in possession of a saw."

"Rhonda! Get over here and help with the catering!" Rotten Ralph demanded.

"My brother is such a bother," Repulsive Rhonda complained. "Always interrupting my fun. But fear not, my pretties. I'll be back to take a chomp out of your juicy manhood as soon as I'm done with my tasks."

"My trouser lutefisk is paining me terribly just thinking about her mouth," Spooky said with a grimace. "Come, let us borrow a couple of black codpieces made of metal from Axe Man or Alice Cooper's collection. It isn't the sort of thing that I'd normally wear, but I must protect myself from Ralph's randy and man-hungry sister."

"I don't blame you, old China," Lord Iffy said. "Heavens above! How simply dreadful!"

Lord Iffy went onstage and performed with his Straight Transvestite band. But before Ectoplasm Attack was due to perform, he went backstage to touch up his makeup. He heard moaning and groaning from his dressing room.

"Axe Man! Bollocks! Can't you ever keep it in your trousers?" he demanded. "Or if you can't, couldn't you at least have the decency to take it to your dressing room? Heavens above, but you are the most randy blighter in all the universe!"

"Axe trouser lutefisk in pants, Lord Iffy," came a voice over Lord Iffy's shoulder. "Axe not know what you blabbering about. Perhaps Lord Iffy should make appointment with Dr. Fraud."

"Well if it isn't you, then who the bloody hell is defiling my suite?" Lord Iffy demanded. And with that he threw open the door.

False is caught with the Mad Hatter in Lord Iffy's dressing room

There on the cot that had been put there for Lord Iffy's relaxation if he so wished was False and the Mad Hatter.

"Well I never!" Lord Iffy huffed.

"Oh goodness me," said the rabbit, putting his paws over Alice from Wonderland's eyes. The Cheshire cat, which was riding on Alice Cooper's shoulders, put its tail in front of Alice Cooper's eyes and grinned.

"Lord Iffy!" False spluttered. "I don't know what came over me! Why, the Mad Hatter and I were drinking absinthe one moment, and the next moment..."

"Well, my dear, perhaps you don't know what came over you, but I can tell you who was about to come in you," Lord Iffy said pointedly. "Well, as soohhn as you, one's old bean, aaare done, one suggest you, one's old bean, make your weay to the stage. ectoplasm attack is to perform and one would fancy to doh the eliminations before one watch them. Don't you know?"

"Totty and gentlemen, these eliminatiohn ceremonies aaare getting shortah and shortah. Absolutely top hole - I have to say," Lord Iffy announced. "So I'll get on with it, and then we can watch the rest of the show. Bloh myself! How simply pukkah!"

"Tiffany, as usual your hospitality was fie the thing to mustah the bash staaarted. Doh come and mustah your crest, one's deaaar."

"Quinn and Sandi, your outfits were simply pukkah. Doh come and mustah your crests. One will have to giz Monique an honoraaary crest for creating such cracking frocks Oh stop it! You teases! You make it terribly difficult for this old virgin Laird to maintain his virginity, even without spiked Absinthe!"

"Clone Lammies, as usual, your presence makes everything all the more incredible. You, one's old beans, doubled the pleasure and geay this evening fie by being here. Come and mustah your crests. Heavens above! How smashing!"

"Stela, simply smashing feast on the part of yourself, Soggy, and the Swedish Chef. Do come and mustah your crest."

"Lord Iffy, just a minute," Daria said, rushing to the stage. "I just got through analyzing that absinthe. It contains massive amounts of the hormones that put people into a state of arousal. Combined with the naturally heady properties of the Absinthe, it was pretty well a lethal combination. This is why Jane and I didn't judo throw you when you went for the grope. We were pretty sure it wasn't your fault."

"We could always have come back and given you a judo throw later," Jane said. "In the meantime, we'll just have to confiscate this bottle. It simply isn't safe in civilian hands."

"There will have to be experimenting," Daria said.

"Darren will make a good test subject," said Jane. "He's young, strong, and sexy."

"I think that Trent fills the qualifications for being a test subject," Daria said.

"And I think that I fill the qualifications," said Dr. Schitz, grabbing the bottle. "And so does my lovely and very pregnant succubus wife, Nurse Violent. I'll need this just to keep up with her increased demands these days!"

"Damn!" Daria said. "And I was so looking forward to the testing phase.

"Well, unfortunately False saw dishy to doh hah testing with the Baaarmy Hattah rahthah than myself," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - noh, if she'd gone aftah one of the birthdeay blokes, Nigel Tufnel, seay, well, whoh could have blamed hah? Ssurely I'd have to forgive hah for that. But instead she gives hah all to this bloohming hanger-ohn. The bloohming Baaarmy Hattah! Whoh would evah think? One does beg your paaardohn, False. It saddens myself, for you, one's old bean, were the last of one's fairies, but one must let you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Of course you, one's old bean, aaare welcome to steay and enjoy the shoh. But certainly you, one's old bean, can doh bettah than this Baaarmy Hattah blightah!"

"Oh, I don't know, Lord Iffy," False said. "He has a pretty big hat rack."

"Bloody well too much information, Lass," Lord Iffy said. "Fortunately Ectoplasm Attack is about to staaart playing. I'll drown my sorrows in loud music, stale peanuts, and cheap boohze. Bring it ohn, clone Lammies! Fie none of that absinthe stuff. Bloh myself! One wondah what will happen when all the bass players mustah togethah and pleay Big Bottom? That will be truly pukkah, one is sure. Goodness me!"

A Fungus From Yuggoth

Daria Art from Sh33p's page

What do you suppose will happen when all the bassists get together to play "Big Bottom?" Stay tuned!