Who Will Win Quinn Episode 1a: Quinn Rocks Out to the Beefcake Act 1

Quinn really wanted to look the part for her rockin' day

Who Will win Quinn Episode 1a: Quinn Rocks Out to the Beefcake, Act 1

by Buzzoff

Hello Quinn fans! I'm honored that FOGNL asked me to report on the first episode of Who Wants to Win Quinn. I learn so many new things about human interactions reporting on these mating dance shows. It truly piques my scientific curiosity!
"Buzzoff," Quinn said, "like, I know you know a lot about rock music because you are a totally hardcore rocker and stuff."
"Why, thank you, Quinn," I said. "And I'll be happy to answer any question you might have about rocking hard and tearing it up."
"But you don't know about human relationships because you're totally not human. And I totally have a question about relationships with rock musicians who are, like, human and stuff."
"Well, why don't you ask your sister Daria about that?" I said. "She's human and she's in a relationship with a human, who is also a musician."
"Totally!" Quinn said. "Thanks, Buzzoff! You're so totally smart!"
So we went over to Daria and Trent's house. I saw that Buzzin was in the back yard playing with their twin spawns while Jane took pictures of Buzzin and the kids.
"Hey Buzzoff!" Buzzin said. "Jane's going to do some kind of artistic thing with these pictures of me and the spawns. And they're having fun too, and I'm earning 66,666 Quatloos an hour from Trent and Daria for minding their spawns."
"Cool," I said. "Where are Daria and Trent?"
"Oh, I totally know where to find them," Quinn said. "They're probably, like, in the bedroom taking a nap or something."

Quinn seems to have trouble with the concept of knocking before entering

Daria and Trent were in their bedroom, but they were engaged in spawning rather than resting activities.
"Damn it Quinn, don't you ever knock?" Daria demanded.
"Oh, it's ok, Daria, this will only take a second," Quinn said.
"Well, what is it?" Daria said, pulling her shirt down and straightening her underpants. "Make it snappy, could you?"
"Well, like, actually this question is kind of for Trent. So, Trent, like, I've got all these rocker guys on my show and I totally haven't ever dated any rocker guys before. So I, like, wondered if you could hang out with me before Mystik Spiral plays at the big May Festival concert tonight and give me some hints and stuff on how to deal with these guys."
"Whoa! I'm flattered that you want my advice, Quinn," Trent said.
"Oh, brother," said Daria, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, I'll totally give you my advice. I'm totally glad to help," Trent continued.
"Trent, quit saying totally before I get totally turned off," said Daria. "And Quinn, get the hell out of here before I get even more turned off. You're worse than the kids about busting in without knocking."
"Ok," Quinn said cheerfully. "See you at the concert, Trent!"
"Oh, Buzzoff!" Quinn said to me as we left her sister's house. "I'm so glad I have musicians like you and Trent to totally help me understand this rock stuff. I always was into boy bands. But The Spooky Guy's sons are sooooo totally hot! And Quorthon's sons are sooooo totally cool! And Axe Man and the Lutefiskies are so totally....badass! Oh Buzzoff! I can't believe I totally might be falling for a, like, Death Cheese guy!"
"Well, it just shows what great taste you are finally uncovering in your psyche, Quinn," I said. "Don't fight it. Roll with it!"
"Totally!" Quinn said.
We went over to the fairgrounds where the bands were starting to set up. The first band to play would be Whitey Crackajack, the band consisting of Jack and Zack Crackajack and their cousin Tighty Whitey. Then it would be Cowboy Travis for a change of pace. Next would be Spooky's sons and their band, and then Hellspawn. Then the more experienced bands would play for the second wave, starting with Trent's band Mystik Spiral, moving on to The Ghastly Crue and Ectoplasm Attack and culminating with, of course, Death Cheese. Well, apparently The Crappy Crew is going on after Death Cheese, but only turds are going to hang around for that shit. In between acts there will be other entertainment put on by the other guys, and then Naked Gymnastics for Jesus will perform just before Death Cheese. It will be a real extravaganza!

Artie is thrilled to see Quinn

Artie the Pizza Boy was there near the entrance to the concert stage in the pizza stand.
"Quinn!" he called. "I arranged it with my boss--free pizza for you and the guys all night!"
"Thanks Artie, Hon," Quinn said. "Smooches!"

The Spooky Guy's three new sons ravenously sample the pizza

Spooky's sons mumbled something between mouthfuls about making sure the pizza was "up to the snuff" before Quinn ate any of it. Quinn looked a little scared of their ability to eat so much. I began to wonder what other DNA might be in their mix besides Spooky's and Marie Fredriksson's, because I don't think either of them eat all the time the way their three spawns are always devouring everything in sight.
I thought that Artie might faint when Quinn blew him a kiss. And I thought that Spooky's sons might end up with indigestion. I told Dr. Schitz, who was in the medical tent, to look after them. At that moment, Beavis and Butthead approached.
"Uh, Dr. Schitz," Beavis said. "Me and Butthead want to, like, get some condominiums from you. You know, in case we, like, get to score with Quinn later."
"Um...don't worry about that, Dr. Schitz," Quinn said. "That isn't going to happen just yet. Or probably ever."
"So, like, Quinn," Butthead said. "Me and Beavis are, like, here DJ-ing for KHEL 666 during the concert. So if you want to, like, come over and show us your boobs sometime, that would be, like, cool and stuff. Huh huh huh."
"Yeah. Yeah! Boobs!" Beavis gibbered. "'Cause, like, we want to score!"
"Um...ok, guys," Quinn said, grabbing my elbow and hiding behind one of my wings. "Come on, Buzzoff. Let's go up by the stage."

Whitey Crackajack with their newest member, Don "Wiggy" Wigtowski (in red striped shirt)

"Yo, Quinn, mah hizzy!" Zack Crackajack called.
"Zack, I am NOT your hizzy!" Quinn said.
"Yo, Babe, don't be insizzled," said Whitey. "Zack is just a pizzozer, yo."
"Yo, fuck you, bizzitch!" Zack said.

"Boys, please!" said Quinn.

"It looks like you fellows multiplied," I said. "Do you form new members of your species by dividing like amoebas?"
"Huh?" said Whitey.
"Uh...we ain't no amizzle fo shizzle," said Jack Crackajack. "This is our nizzle Wiggy Wigtowski fo shizzle."
"Yo, Quizzle!" said the new fellow. "Whut up, Girlie? I'm gonna be hangin' with the homies, yo."
"How did you end up here, Wizzle? I mean, Wiggy?" Quinn said.
"Yo, Wizzle was drivin' down the street with a forty and a fatty, laid back," said Jack. "When the po-lice got all up in his grizzle."
"Yo, so I made a run from the opprizzle of the mizzle for shizzle," said Wiggy.
"Trouble is, bitchez, he fo-got the brizzle was out an' him an' his forty ended up in forty feet of rizzle, mah nizzle," said Zack.
"Well, welcome, Wiggy," Quinn said. "It's, like, totally nice to meet you and stuff."
"Yo, thanks, Babe," Wiggy said, starry eyed as Quinn shook his hand. "And I makes sure I ain't disrespectin' the hizzys when I bust a rhyme fo shizzle."
"Well...uh...that's nice," Quinn said, obviously not understanding a word he said.
"Quinn, these guys are amazing," I said. "It's as if they speak the language of English, and yet they don't."

Whitey Crackajack manager Jive Turkey

"Yo, Wiggers, yo' on, Bitchez," said the guys' manager, Jive Turkey. "An' make it slammin' like Spam in a can. Cause the Vogon Idol judgez is heer, bitchez! An' if they's down with yo posse, they may bust you onto Vogon Idol this summer, yo!"

The audience started to gather and Whitey Crackajack took the stage.
"Uh...what is this crap?" said Butthead.
"Yeah, this sucks!" Beavis said. "We want the chicks!"

As promised, Daria, Trent, Jane, and Darren came to advise Quinn about the plethora of musicians in her bevy of beaus.

"So, Daria, did you, like, finish having sex and stuff?" Quinn asked.
"No, Quinn, I'm still doing it," Daria said. "That's why I'm standing here fully..."
"Whoa!" Trent said, pointing up in the air.
"Oh hell...how did that happen?" Daria asked.

Tom Sloan's new look

Daria, evidently anticipating a mess, gazes in horror at the Tom Sloan angel

"Yo, Tom! Who'd you have to blow to get those wings?" Trent yelled.
"Uh, Trent, it's not a good idea to piss angels off," Daria said. "Even if they are Tom Sloan."
"If he's a real angel, I'll eat my easel," Jane said. "That's got to be some sort of plastic surgery by Dr. Quincy or DNA mutation by Dr. Schitz."
"Well, I don't recall Dr. Schitz...wait a minute... Project Angel. Excuse me a minute, everyone. I need to open a can of whoop ass...I mean, have a chat with my esteemed employer."
"Yo, Bitch, stop upstaging us!" Zack Crackajack shouted.
"Yeah! Yo ass is a total attention ho!" proclaimed Jack.
"Tom Sloan is a bitch an' he ain't no angle
If he flies his fake ass down here I'll put his neck in a strangle!" Whitey rapped.
The guys flew into a jumbled rhyme insulting Quinn's other prospective suitors.

Flipper shows his 'tude--and his patoot--to the audience

Flipper really liked this rhyme and jumped up on stage to join the guys, stripping off his pants and shaking his ass. I was unsure if this was a mating dance or a show of aggression.
"Dude--gross! Cover it up!" Shorty Slash yelled. "I'm young and innocent and that thing is hurting my virgin eyes!"

The visiting Vogon judges

Most of the audience was actually watching as Daria chewed out Dr. Schitz for the myriad of unscrupulous DNA projects he's been conducting behind her back lately. But the Vogon Idol judges were mesmerized by Whitey Crackajack.
"They are vile," said Judge Hkkau Luggie.
"Indeed. They are respluvicant...most respluvicant...with Splunge!" proclaimed Master of Ceremonies Mrook Mroon reverently. "Mr. Turkey! Please advise your progeny that they will be competing on the most loprositous entertainment program in the Universe, Vogon Idol, this ploktoon."
"Congratulations, Boys!" I shouted. "You're going to be on Vogon Idol! You know, that's how Death Cheese got where we are today!"
"Playing gigs on crappy reality shows?" Jane asked.
"Yeah, isn't it great?" I said.
"Buzzoff, you are an irrepressable optimist," Darren said. "I dig that."
"Thanks, Darren. But don't mention it to Axe Man. He gets bent out of shape about my not seeming more brutal offstage," I said.
After Whitey Crackajack finished their performance, Trent took the stage. The crowd went wild.
"Wait, wait," he said. "Yeah. Thanks so much for your support. Mystik Spiral will be on later so don't get too wasted to dig our act and stuff. But right now, I hope you'll be cool to my brother Wind Lane and his buddy Ethan Yeager, who are going to do some slam poetry for you. Oh yeah. And you can vote on who you think my sister in law Quinn should keep and who she should eliminate from her new reality show today cause that's what this is all about. Love and stuff. Yeah. So here's Wind and Ethan."

Wind is the quiet, introspective, romantic type--with great abs

Ethan is laid back yet outspoken

Most of the audience refrained from throwing things at Wind and Ethan, probably out of respect for Trent. Their poetry was interesting and the Vogons seemed impressed. All in all, things were going well, until Tommy Sherman started throwing eggs.
"Tommy, stop it!" Quinn shrieked.
"I'll stop him, Quinn," Weasel proclaimed.
"I'd better help him," said Bruce Fairlane.

Bruce Fairlane, after Tommy Sherman tore his clothes off

Weasel remained unscathed

Weasel and Bruce Fairlane dragged Tommy off the stage, but not before Tommy tore most of Bruce's clothes off.
"Dude! Chill out!" Weasel admonished Tommy. "Yo, Bruce, Man, you can probably borrow more clothes from one of the musicians here or something."
"No, that's cool," Bruce said. "I think Quinn might like me like this."

Cowboy Travis hoped that Quinn would like his muscles and his music

Cowboy Travis then took the stage. I asked Quinn how she was enjoying his music.
"What music?" she asked. "He has such great muscles!"
Travis sang as song about the train that was his heart. The Vogon Idol judges were lukewarm.
"It has splave, but not much splunge," said Judge Mroon.
"He lacks the courage to display true splunge," said Judge Lugie. "Truly a disappointment."
"Hey, it's time for you to get off the stage, Hick!" Tommy Sherman demanded. "Let some real men strut their stuff!"

Tommy Sherman vogues

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie monkey around

I soon saw why Tommy was so eager to get the other guys off the stage. Because next up was Jock Rock, the act that Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie had put together and Tommy had muscled his way in on. The Cheesemeister remarked that was sort of like the Harlem Globetrotters, only without the basketballs or the talent. I thought it was quite an interesting dance. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, dressed as monkeys, threw a football to each other and did acrobatics, while Tommy strutted around in a jock strap flexing his muscles.
"Well...uh...that was really...something, guys," Quinn said. "Great muscles, Tommy! You looked hot! But I'm looking forward to seeing some more bands now."
"That was truly wumblic performance art," noted Judge Lugie.
"Yes," said Judge Mroon. "It stirred the offal. I suggest that we invite these simioid beings to participate in Vogon Idol this ploktoon."
I was looking forward to seeing The Spooky Guy's sons perform. He was fussing over them.
"Listen, Boys," he said. "It would be very much unprofessional to go on stage in shirts stained with pizza grease. Now get cleaned up if you wish to not embarrass me--I mean, if you wish to impress Quinn. I cannot believe those words are coming from my mouth. Now come on, get ready to go out there and kick some ass!"

TO BE CONTINUED

BuZzOfF

The Other DNA

Dr. Schitz slips Nurse Violent the Korv* while she goes for a taste of Yam Man's trouser zucchini

Brittney's DNA Suspicions Confirmed
by Dirty Dan

Wow, was Brittney ever right when she said she suspected that there was more to the DNA scrambling in the petri dishes containing her offspring than Dr. Schitz would admit. The Princess of Darkness slipped into Dr. Schitz' DNA lab while the doc was out to lunch and asked assistant DNA manipulator Dr. Daria Morgendorffer to give up the goods about what she knew.
"Daria, you aren't a drunken moron like Dr. Schitz," Brittney said. "So I trust you to tell me the truth."
"Very well," Daria sighed. "But you won't like it."
Daria took Brittney into the viewing room and turned on the video player. Onscreen appeared Dr. Schitz, Nurse Violent, and Yam Man drinking Mad Dog 20/20. Daria appeared momentarily to ask Nurse Violent if she really ought to be drinking such substances while pregnant.
"Oh, absolutely," Dr. Schitz said. "You see, Daria, alcohol is actually good for the offspring of a succubus."
"Well, then may I suggest that she drink Absolut instead of that swill," Daria said before leaving.
"Thankfully that was my only appearance in this horror show," Daria said. "And I'm ashamed to even be seen in it for that amount of time."
After Daria left, Dr. Schitz and Yam Man became obviously drunker. They called in Dr. House, who also commenced to drinking with them. While Dr. House began mixing new DNA into the petri dish that would eventually become Shorty Slash, Nurse Violent became hornier by the minute, groping Dr. Schitz and Yam Man lustfully.
"You aren't jealous, are you, Schitzy?" Yam Man asked.
"No. I'm relieved. There's nothing more randy than a pregnant succubus," Dr. Schitz said. "Maybe you can help me satiate her for a while."
"Well hell, I'm always glad to help a friend!" said Yam Man.
Brittney stared in horror as Dr. Schitz and Yam Man got busy with Nurse Violent. Her expression became even more horrified when Dr. House opened up the other two petri dishes. He then pulled a fourth petri dish from his medical bag and took out a couple more DNA test tubes.
"Hey Schitzy, I have an idea," he said.
At that moment, both Dr. Schitz and Yam Man reached climax. The results ended up on Nurse Violent, Dr. House, and in the petri dishes.
"I'll be back in a minute after I bathe in Mr. Spleen," Dr. House said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Brittney screamed. "Oh, Master, how could you have allowed such a travesty? This is worse than I thought! Not only do I have one child whose DNA includes that of a homicidal garden gnome, but all three of them have the DNA of Dr. Schitz, and worse, Yam Man! Heads are gonna roll!"
With that, Brittney stormed from the viewing room.
"Oh dear," Daria said. "I get the feeling that this place is going to be trashed way worse than the time that the Chickenator got loose. I think we're talking nuclear wasteland here!"
All I have to say is that if Nurse Violent needs any extra man meat while Dr. Schitz is laid up recovering from Brittney's onslaught, she can call me anytime at 666-DRTY-DAN!
Dirty Dan

*Korv is Swedish sausage

Lusty Goddess Bests Death Cheese Studs

Rowr! The Goddess Voluptas is one feisty babe!

Hot Roman Goddess Voluptas Lays Death Cheese Studs Flat

by Chuck Ruttheimer

Hey sexy babes and horny dudes! When the goddess Voluptas, who is the daughter of Psyche and Cupid, approached Axe Man and his half brothers the WWF Wannabes at the Death Cheese Wrecks the Coloseum show, the guys thought they'd hit the jackpot. I can sure understand that--a horny babe that wants to take on three dudes? ROWR!!!! FEISTY!!!! But after six straight hours of sex, even these super-studs had to admit defeat. But Voluptas was still ready to bang the gong. I bet me and King Smut can help her with that! And since Chuck Junior is standing at full attention, I'll see all you sex fiends later!

Chuck Ruttheimer

Sexy Sadie Shags the Shark

Sexy Sadie and Jabberjaw get in on while en route to Davy Jones Locker where Jabberjaw's band will be opening for Death Cheese

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 20: The Mother of All Rockin' Birthday Bashes

Spinal Tap are (Left to Right) Derek Smalls, Nigel Tufnel, and David St. Hubbins. Nigel was born February 5, 1948 making him 61 this year

Duff McKagan of Velvet Revolver (formerly of Guns n Roses) was born February 5, 1964. He is 45.

Alice Cooper was born February 4, 1948. He is 61.

Lord Iffy was born February 14, 1958. He is celebrating his birthday all month. Lord Iffy is the singer. His fellow band members are other members of the Straight Transvestites Club, including big bad Leprechaun Kizz Myass on the accordion.

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 20: The Mother of All Rockin' Birthday Bashes
by A Fungus From Yuggoth

When Lord Iffy woke up this morning he was in high spirits as he gathered the Spiffies together.

"Totty, as you know, my birthday is Valentines Deay," he said. "But one will be celebrating all month. And this weekend will be an especially powerful celebratiohn because some of one's cracking mates in the rock world aaare celebrating their birthdays. We'll be having the bash to end all bashes at the Venusdome tonight. Bloh myself! Hoh simply spectaculaaar, one must seay! Why, we will be celebrating the birthdeay of none uhthah than Nigel Tufnel of the jolly splendid Spinal Tap. One of one's oldest and deaaarest mates is Nigel. Haaard to believe he'll be sixty-one. Then again, soh is one's old boy Alice Coohpah. One of one's jolly favorite yanks is spiffing old Alice. Then we've Duff McKagan of Velvet Revolvah. Anuhthah spiffing yank, Duff is. Still ah young buck toohh. Fie forty-five this yeaaar. And we'll have absolutely the group of staaars to wish them many jolly returns. Mystik Spiral will be performing. Ectoplasm Attack will be there and one heaaars that Spoohky has invited one of his musician friends from the material world to teaaar things up. Kid Rock will be joining us. That should be simply pukkah! And then of course the mighty Deahth Cheese will finish things orf with ah bang. Oh, totty, what crumpets, jam and teah it will be! Of course one and some of one's friends will be performing as well to giz everything that simply spiffing touch. Noh, let's mustah ready. The shuttle to the Venusdome should be aaarriving at any minute. Heavens above! How smashing!"















Axe Man swigs space mead and tries to bust into the craft of Lammy or some clone Lammys to get a piece of ass. Fortunately Buzzoff is on hand to save Axe Man's fool ass

The Vogons stopped by to give Death Cheese a ride but complained all the way about the "whyavfgqusness of the majority of the performers."

"I have never seen such a deplorable lack of Splunge!" moaned Viceroy Fyjuw Camltow. "Between that McKagan fellow and Ectoplasm Attack, there is already a veritable black hole of quasi-gazjorousness in this line-up. Add to that the semi-jatyferousness of the likes of Mystik Spiral. Top this off with the unparalleled zajury of Kid Rock. The slight tinge of Splunge in Spinal Tap's repertoire can hardly make up for this..."

"I cannot believe you would accuse Spinal Tap of the glorificosity of Splunge!" interrupted Demi-Viceroy Xdd Nutt. "They are the veritable valmores of the music world. Splunge Lite is giving them far too much credit. Though they are not nearly so eyotrious as Ectoplasm Attack. They are, however, almost as dozlowerous as Mystik Spiral."

"Still, we shall partake of the maloferous strains of Death Cheese this night," said Viceroy Camltow. "It makes the yeomac rise to my slovah to think of it."

When Axe Man beheld the two clone Lammys in the shuttle pulling up alongside the Vogon craft, his Norwegian wood stood up and took notice.

"Lammys! Extra good ass!" he declared.

He took a swig of space mead, opened the airlock, and jumped out onto the space craft with intent to chop his way in and get a piece. Fortunately for Axe Man, Buzzoff was paying attention. Because although the space mead granted him the ability to breathe in space and withstand the far below freezing temperatures, he had no ability to fly or navigate his way around the icy vacuum. Buzzoff also leapt out the airlock and flapped up to Axe Man on his leathery wings.

"Come along, Axe Man. We'll see them in the VenusDome," he said in his agreeable way. That Buzzoff is certainly a nice byakhee. He always goes for the diplomatic approach.


















Bartender Tiffany pals around with Kid Rock

Upon arrival, Bartender Tiffany was awaiting with drinks for all. Kid Rock had already taken her up on the offer of a beer and they posed for a picture together.

"Great jacket, Kid," Buzzoff said.

"Thanks, Buzzoff," Kid Rock said. "I hope we'll be jamming together tonight."

"Of course we will!" Buzzoff said. "But what I can't wait for is the Big Bass Jam. Now, though Nigel and David usually play guitar, as you know, when they play Big Bottom, they all play bass. As a bassist myself, I'm just so thrilled to be invited to provide a fourth bass."

"And with Duff McKagan being one of the guests of honor and a bassist, well, there's a fifth bass," said Kid Rock.

"Of course Cliff Burton of Ectoplasm Attack will provide a sixth bass," said Buzzin.

"Don't forget Max from Mystik Spiral," said Bartender Tiffany. "There's a seventh bass."

"I've heard there will be an eighth bass," I said. "Spooky's old friend Necrobutcher is visiting from the material world. And if Quorthon opts to bring out his bass, well, there's nine."

"This is really getting exciting!" Buzzoff said. "If Eddie brought his bass, that's ten. It's a veritable bass orchestra!"

"Dr. Schitz is probably here. And I'll bet he brought his bass," chimed in Buzzin."

"Do you fellows think this is a good idea?" came a voice. "I tell you, the consequences could be disastrous to the space-time continuum to have that many basses playing at once! It forms a fearsome non-Euclidian angle at its vortex."

"Oh, don't worry about it, Einstein," I scoffed. "Cities on my planet are full of non-Euclidian angles. What's so great about Euclidian angles anyway?"

"Well, this may be all good and fine for your planet," Einstein said. "But for other worlds..."

"Just because its dangerous on Earth doesn't mean it will be a problem on Venus," Buzzoff said. "That's part of the reason we arranged to do the big Bass-Off here. We bassists have been discussing this for months. Don't worry about it. I bet the cloud cover will absorb the thickness of the notes or something."

"You are a smart enough fellow, which is a rare thing for a member of the Death Cheese band," said Einstein. "But you are not a physicist. Mark my words, Buzzoff. This is dangerous. You ought to call it off."

"And miss the chance to play with ten other great bassists? Never! Come on, Buzzin! You need to practice humming the bass line so you can join us too."

"I've heard that Bowser from Sha Na Na may be here," Buzzin said. "He's my hero! If he's here, we'll sing the bass line together!"

"This may open a rift in the space time continuum like no other," Einstien groaned. "I may have to contact the authorities."

"Oh dear," Lord Iffy said. "One must jolly well goh aftah him. Authorities will put ah dampah ohn festivities, and that would not be optimal paaartying atmosphere. Don't you know? Bloh myself! Al! Wait for me, old chap!"























Stela teams up with Soggy and the Swedish Chef to create a birthday feast

For the moment, everyone's attentions were caught by the variety of unique smells.

"Come on--let's follow that delicious aroma!" I said.

When we got to the kitchen, we saw Stela working with Soggy, the Swedish Chef, and a moose.

"Buzzoff! Buzzin! Fungus! Look! Swedish Chef and moose join us!" Soggy said. "And see--we make pretty birfday cake, cool birfday cake, and Spam cake. And also Spam appetizers. Because Soggy hear that Alice Cooper love Spam."

"I do indeed, Soggy," Alice said. "Thank you for thinking of me. You see, when I was a child growing up, I always loved fried Spam sandwiches."

"They make Alice what he is today!" Soggy said.

Alice was being followed by Alice from Wonderland, the Mad Hatter, and the Harried Hare.

"Oh my ears and whiskers! Am I late for the celebration?" the hare inquired.

"No, you're just in time," I said. "Death Cheese hasn't started playing yet."

"Yeah. Chill out, Bunny Rabbit," said False. "Come and have a nice piece of cake."

"Oh, that does sound good. I hope it's carrot cake," said the Rabbit.

"Rabbit, old bunny, we have several kinds of cake available for your culinary pleasure," Lord Iffy said. "Come, all of you, sit at the table of honor. I doh believe that Mystik Spiral is about to start the festivities. Heavens above--how smashing!"























Mystik Spiral jams

Mystik Spiral did indeed start the festivities. Stela served cake, Soggy served Spam, and False replaced the Mad Hatter's tea with absinthe.

"Alice Cooper is my hero," said Alice from Wonderland. "He's the coolest!"























Quinn, in an outfit designed by Trent's ex, Monique

"Well, I don't blame you there," said Dr. Daria. But Quinn, what the hell is that you're wearing? You look like a reject from the superhero academy!"

"For your information, your husband's ex-girlfriend designed this to my specifications," Quinn said.























Monique also outfitted Sandi

"You think that's goofy-looking, Daria, you should get a load of what Sandi's wearing," Jane Lane said.

"Yoo hoo, Lord Iffy!" Quinn called. "What do you think of my outfit?"

"And mine, Lord Iffy," said Sandi. "I believe that mine's waaaay sexy. Don't you?"

Daria and Jane with Lord Iffy

Lord Iffy had been sharing absinthe with the Mad Hatter. What False didn't know is that Cupid had spiked False's absinthe with Love Potion #69. Lord Iffy was practically drooling on himself.

"Totty, I say to blazes with this bloody contest thing. Let's us, the three of us, go and shag. Right now!"

"Um...Lord Iffy, I wouldn't advise that," said Jane.

"Think of your contract, Lord Iffy," Daria said. "Think of the green stuff!"

"Well, dash it all, Daria, it's the blimey green stuff that made me realize how much time I've wasted waiting to get shagged!" Lord Iffy said. "And believe me, if you birds weren't all committed and monogamous and the like, I'd be inviting you for a good shag as well."

"That's not like Lord Iffy," Jane whispered to Daria. "Granted, he's always a randy old virgin. But he's usually far more respectful."

"Agreed," Daria said. "We have to check out that absinthe. I'll take a sample over to the lab. In the meantime, Fungus, don't let Lord Iffy shag anybody, or all bets are off. And believe me, he can't afford that crumbling old mausoleum he calls a mansion without this 666,666,666,666 Quatloos that FOGNL is going to pay him for completing his contract with them. Come on, Jane, let's get a sample of the Absinthe over to the lab and see what its spiked with."
























Steak Thru the Heart Head Chef Rotten Ralph's man-hungry younger sister, Repulsive Rhonda

One guest that didn't need any spiked absinthe to make her blood boil with lust was Rotten Ralph's sister, Repulsive Rhonda. Rhonda is always hungry for man meat. And the objects of her lust at this moment were none other than the horrified gentlemen seen in the picture below.
















Spooky and Necrobutcher react to Repulsive Rhonda's advances

"Come on, Boys," Rhonda hissed. "Let me sink my teeth into your manly bits!"

"Back, creature of the rubbish heap!" Necrobutcher commanded, striking a melodramatic pose. "I warn you, I know Hong Kong Phooey!"

"Uh...Necrobutcher. Perhaps it would help if you chose a different threat," Spooky said. "I do not think this she-fiend will take terribly serious your knowledge of an old cartoon."

"Will you be quiet? I am trying to save our trouser lutefisks from grievous insult!" Necrobutcher said.

"Well, this is very fine, I agree. But your approach demands assistance. Therefore, toothsome hose monster, observe that I am in possession of a saw."

"Rhonda! Get over here and help with the catering!" Rotten Ralph demanded.

"My brother is such a bother," Repulsive Rhonda complained. "Always interrupting my fun. But fear not, my pretties. I'll be back to take a chomp out of your juicy manhood as soon as I'm done with my tasks."

"My trouser lutefisk is paining me terribly just thinking about her mouth," Spooky said with a grimace. "Come, let us borrow a couple of black codpieces made of metal from Axe Man or Alice Cooper's collection. It isn't the sort of thing that I'd normally wear, but I must protect myself from Ralph's randy and man-hungry sister."

"I don't blame you, old China," Lord Iffy said. "Heavens above! How simply dreadful!"

Lord Iffy went onstage and performed with his Straight Transvestite band. But before Ectoplasm Attack was due to perform, he went backstage to touch up his makeup. He heard moaning and groaning from his dressing room.

"Axe Man! Bollocks! Can't you ever keep it in your trousers?" he demanded. "Or if you can't, couldn't you at least have the decency to take it to your dressing room? Heavens above, but you are the most randy blighter in all the universe!"

"Axe trouser lutefisk in pants, Lord Iffy," came a voice over Lord Iffy's shoulder. "Axe not know what you blabbering about. Perhaps Lord Iffy should make appointment with Dr. Fraud."

"Well if it isn't you, then who the bloody hell is defiling my suite?" Lord Iffy demanded. And with that he threw open the door.

False is caught with the Mad Hatter in Lord Iffy's dressing room

There on the cot that had been put there for Lord Iffy's relaxation if he so wished was False and the Mad Hatter.

"Well I never!" Lord Iffy huffed.

"Oh goodness me," said the rabbit, putting his paws over Alice from Wonderland's eyes. The Cheshire cat, which was riding on Alice Cooper's shoulders, put its tail in front of Alice Cooper's eyes and grinned.

"Lord Iffy!" False spluttered. "I don't know what came over me! Why, the Mad Hatter and I were drinking absinthe one moment, and the next moment..."

"Well, my dear, perhaps you don't know what came over you, but I can tell you who was about to come in you," Lord Iffy said pointedly. "Well, as soohhn as you, one's old bean, aaare done, one suggest you, one's old bean, make your weay to the stage. ectoplasm attack is to perform and one would fancy to doh the eliminations before one watch them. Don't you know?"

"Totty and gentlemen, these eliminatiohn ceremonies aaare getting shortah and shortah. Absolutely top hole - I have to say," Lord Iffy announced. "So I'll get on with it, and then we can watch the rest of the show. Bloh myself! How simply pukkah!"

"Tiffany, as usual your hospitality was fie the thing to mustah the bash staaarted. Doh come and mustah your crest, one's deaaar."

"Quinn and Sandi, your outfits were simply pukkah. Doh come and mustah your crests. One will have to giz Monique an honoraaary crest for creating such cracking frocks Oh stop it! You teases! You make it terribly difficult for this old virgin Laird to maintain his virginity, even without spiked Absinthe!"

"Clone Lammies, as usual, your presence makes everything all the more incredible. You, one's old beans, doubled the pleasure and geay this evening fie by being here. Come and mustah your crests. Heavens above! How smashing!"

"Stela, simply smashing feast on the part of yourself, Soggy, and the Swedish Chef. Do come and mustah your crest."

"Lord Iffy, just a minute," Daria said, rushing to the stage. "I just got through analyzing that absinthe. It contains massive amounts of the hormones that put people into a state of arousal. Combined with the naturally heady properties of the Absinthe, it was pretty well a lethal combination. This is why Jane and I didn't judo throw you when you went for the grope. We were pretty sure it wasn't your fault."

"We could always have come back and given you a judo throw later," Jane said. "In the meantime, we'll just have to confiscate this bottle. It simply isn't safe in civilian hands."

"There will have to be experimenting," Daria said.

"Darren will make a good test subject," said Jane. "He's young, strong, and sexy."

"I think that Trent fills the qualifications for being a test subject," Daria said.

"And I think that I fill the qualifications," said Dr. Schitz, grabbing the bottle. "And so does my lovely and very pregnant succubus wife, Nurse Violent. I'll need this just to keep up with her increased demands these days!"

"Damn!" Daria said. "And I was so looking forward to the testing phase.

"Well, unfortunately False saw dishy to doh hah testing with the Baaarmy Hattah rahthah than myself," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - noh, if she'd gone aftah one of the birthdeay blokes, Nigel Tufnel, seay, well, whoh could have blamed hah? Ssurely I'd have to forgive hah for that. But instead she gives hah all to this bloohming hanger-ohn. The bloohming Baaarmy Hattah! Whoh would evah think? One does beg your paaardohn, False. It saddens myself, for you, one's old bean, were the last of one's fairies, but one must let you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Of course you, one's old bean, aaare welcome to steay and enjoy the shoh. But certainly you, one's old bean, can doh bettah than this Baaarmy Hattah blightah!"

"Oh, I don't know, Lord Iffy," False said. "He has a pretty big hat rack."

"Bloody well too much information, Lass," Lord Iffy said. "Fortunately Ectoplasm Attack is about to staaart playing. I'll drown my sorrows in loud music, stale peanuts, and cheap boohze. Bring it ohn, clone Lammies! Fie none of that absinthe stuff. Bloh myself! One wondah what will happen when all the bass players mustah togethah and pleay Big Bottom? That will be truly pukkah, one is sure. Goodness me!"

A Fungus From Yuggoth

Daria Art from Sh33p's page

What do you suppose will happen when all the bassists get together to play "Big Bottom?" Stay tuned!

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 19: Spiffy Freudian Slips

Dr. Fraud






















And Emrald










With the help of me, the fabulous Crystal Balls

Team up to analyze the dreams of Lord Iffy and the girls

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 19: Spiffy Freudian Slips
by Crystal Balls

Hello everyone! Crystal Balls here. I'm the brother of Mystic Xenia and one of Lord Iffy's fabulous transvestite chums. We have a very special show today. You see, the amazing Dr. Fraud, the glamorous Emrald, the fabulous Dr. Frank N. Furter, and myself, are going to hypnotize Lord Iffy and the girls and analyze their dream interactions using Dr. Frank and Dr. Fraud's patent pending dream machine. Dreams don't lie, so this should be amazing and very revealing.

"Totty, we've ah spiffing opportunity todeay to assist myself in finding out which of you, one's old beans, is hairlairh here for myself," Lord Iffy said. "You each mustah ah chance to kip with myself..."

"Doesn't that sort of ruin the whole virginity thing, Lord Iffy?" Sandi asked.

"Well, it would if I meant 'have sex,' Sandi," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - but one hairlairh doh mean kip. And while we're snoohzing, The dream it machine will record our dreams and then Dr. Fraud and Emrald will analyze them. Heavens above! How smashing! Now who wishes to be first?"

"I do, Lord Iffy," False said. "I have nothing to hide."

False is a very dreamy fairy

False and Lord Iffy lay down on the bed together and the dream began. Now, I must say, I did expect to see a bit of the sort of thing that King Smut might like to put into a film like last summer's release, A Midsummer Night's Shag, but instead the dream went something like this.

Lord Iffy recalls childhood memories at the playground

In the dream, Lord Iffy was a youth of perhaps fourteen. He was wearing a schoolboy uniform and looked none too happy. False flitted up to him on her green gossamer wings and asked him what wish she could grant for him. And Lord Iffy gazed at False fondly and said: "A beautiful green dress the color of your wings, if you please, Miss Fairy. Ahzolutle Top Hole--I have to say!"

So False conjured up a green dress for young Lord Iffy and gave him a kiss on the forehead. When Lord Iffy woke up, he was smiling. "Blimey, that was a lovely dress, False," he said. "One does soh hope you, one's old bean, might conjure one that one can weaaar in real life. Jolly good show old bean!"

Sandi shows her true colors

"Oh, Lord Iffy, I want to be next!" Sandi demanded. "After all, I can't cheat like that magical little shape-shifting green cheater. You know that what comes from my mind will be all true and wonderful like me."

"Well, porky roysh down, Sandi," Lord Iffy said. "And let's see what we dream togethah. Jolly good show old bean!"

Initially in the dream, Sandi was walking towards Lord Iffy. Lord Iffy was wearing a fabulous green dress with a blue, green and purple feather boa and dancing to show tunes. Sandi wanted to look at least as fabulous if not more so. And as she looked at Lord Iffy, she began to grow blue, green and purple feathers. Her legs turned to birds' legs. Lord Iffy looked at Sandi and began to laugh, and as he laughed he was transformed into a peacock.

Lord Iffy was having great fun strutting about in peacock form, but Sandi became more and more miffed, and she awoke with a start, which in turn woke Lord Iffy.

"Heavens above--what a lark!" he declared. And then he began to giggle. "I'm terribly sorry but doh you, one's old bean, believe it, Sandi? We were peacocks! Well, I was ah peacock and you, one's old bean, were ah peahen. Roysh spiffing, what? Ahzloohtlee topp hole--I have to seay! Well, whoh is next to dream ah little dream with myself?"

Lammy flashes Lord Iffy her wares but he has other concerns
(NOT STOLEN FROM ASININE NEWS! I SWEAR!)

Lammy strode into the bedroom stark naked.

"Hey! That's cheating!" Quinn shrieked.

"Is not," Lammy said. "We aren't going to be having sex, just sleeping together, remember? And I always sleep naked, after all."

"EEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!" Quinn shrieked. "Lord Iffy! Do something!"

"Well, roysh is roysh, Love," Lord Iffy said. "And aftah all, Lammy and one will simply be sleeping togethah. But it could make for some jolly rahthah ravishing dreams. If one borfs Lammy in one's dream, does one's soul lose its virginity? Ah, hell, one's soul lost its virginity yeaaars agoh, or at least when one got busted trying to drive home from the Ravishing Woohh Woohh aftah pounding beck 6 zippy colas. You, one's old bean, knoh those things aaare well orf with shine, roysh? Anyweay, one neaaar to blew one's cork when the jolly comely Detective Benson patted me down to snatch my keys. Ahhhhhzohlutle top hole--I have to say!"

"Lord Iffy, if you'd like, I can pat you down," Lammy said.

"Well, one feaaar that might bring myself ah little toohh close to losing myself virginity in real life, love," Lord Iffy said. "Soh let's kip ohn it and see what happens. This meay be the last shoh todeay...I dane't knoh if one can hold out much longah!"

In the dream, Lord Iffy had a date with Lammy. So he decided to go to Magik Tan and get a spray-on tan. But somehow the tan only ended up covering his torso, leaving his arms and legs completely white. When he stepped out of the booth to demand that things be made right, he found himself in Stonehenge. And there was a naked Lammy coming towards him.

"Blimey! What do I do now?" Lord Iffy muttered to himself. "One butchah ah roysh bottom with this mucked up tan, soh one does! One must fix this before one borf Lammy. If one dane't mustah this bloohming fake tan made roysh, she'll fie laugh at myself. Maybe if one sneak orf this weay I'll find Enditall and she can be of assistance to myself in fixing this dog's dinnah. Don't you know?"

"Lord Iffy, over here!" Lammy called, waving her arms. "I'm all yours. Take me, you manly stud in women's clothing!"

But Lord Iffy was so preoccupied with getting his bad fake tan fixed that he walked right by Lammy, continuing towards Enditall's house at the foot of the hill. Enditall cackled with glee and thumbed her nose at Lammy as she let Lord Iffy in. A moment later, Lord Iffy woke with a start.

"Bloody hell! That was one feckin' horrible dream!" he gasped. "Well I say - Enditall got myself intoh hah hice and toohk orf hah cluhthes! It was rahthah unfortunate! Sorry, Lammy, my woohd has turned to pulp, one feaaars. but believe me, if anyone could cause myself to toss the rules to mustah ah toss, it would be you, one's old bean."

Will Quinn be Lord Iffy's plastic fantastic lover?

"How about me, Lord Iffy?" came a shrill voice. Quinn stepped into the room wearing her bra and panties.
"Oh! She's such a slut!" Sandi huffed.
"Well, Quinn, perhaps you, one's old bean, can take one's mind orf the sight of Enditall's waaarty green bosoms hanging to hah knees," Lord Iffy said. "Here, porky beside myself, one's golden dove, and it's orf to dreamlands with us!"
Lord Iffy really did think that Quinn looked attractive in her lingerie, but it became clear that that he also thought that Quinn was plastic. He dreamed that she was a doll, standing before him in a box with some grooming accessories.
"Well...not quite sure where that came from," Lord Iffy said when he woke to see Quinn glaring at him. "What can I say, Quinn? You're a real doll in my eyes! Jolly good show, old bean!"

Stela has Lord Iffy dreaming of childhood and soup, beautiful soup

"Well, Stela, I'm sure that any dream of you will be roysh scrummy," Lord Iffy said as Stela lay down beside him. "Let's get cooking, shall we? Jolly good show, old bean!"

Lord Iffy didn't dream of beans, but he did dream of himself as a lad watching green peas by the thousands being poured into a stew pot. Soggy appeared, playing his pipe and carrying cans of Spam to add to the mix. Fellow reality star Flavor Flav brought some of the mixture up to check it for flavorfulness, and when it was determined that the mixture was just right, a smiling Stela dipped in a spoon and invited young Lord Iffy to take a taste.

"Oh Stela," Lord Iffy said as he awoke. "I'm terribly sorry but you will make myself some of that jolly hockeysticks soup, shant you, one's old bean? It reminded myself of one's days at schoohl, except that you, one's old bean, aaare kind and spiffing and dishy, not ah hideous, stingy, Quasimodo-like blightah whoh gave us each ah measure of some hideous, impalatable slopp and struck us with ah rulah when we said 'please, sir, meay one has something else? This is bloohming rahthah unfortunate!'"

"Of course I'll make you some soup, Lord Iffy," Stela said. "I'm glad we had such a fine dream together. If you choose me, I'll make you soup any time you like."

"I'm terribly sorry but it's tempting, love, truly it is. But one must giz each of the totty their faair time. Baaartendah Tiffany, why dane't you, one's old bean, come porky here beside myself and let's see what we dream togethah."

Lord Iffy sees Bartender Tiffany's true self

In the dream, Lord Iffy and Bartender Tiffany were on a date at Pasta Fazool and Dirty Sanchez' bistro. The champagne flowed freely and Bartender Tiffany got drunker and drunker. She was slurring her words and saying silly things and made Lord Iffy laugh.

The dream was nothing unexpected or startling. Lord Iffy patted Tiffany's hand.

"Tell you, what, love, why dane't you, one's old bean, bring up some champagne for the eliminations?" Lord Iffy said. "There's ah spiffing filly."

Dr. Frank N. Furter is the stuff of dreams

"We've one left, Lord Iffy," Dr. Frank N. Furter said. "Our shy mouse, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, was attempting to make an escape. Don't worry, Tiffany, it's completely painless, I assure you. And it might even be a bit fun. Why don't you try and find out?"

"Oh...all right," Tiffany said reluctantly. "But only if Bartender Tiffany can bring me a good stiff one. A drink, I mean! That's all I meant, Dr. Frankie!"

"Well, of course it is, Love," Frank said. "Bartender Tiffany, while you're at it, why not bring a glass for each of us and leave the champagne bottle. There's a good lass. Well, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, this ought to have you feeling more relaxed. Just lie down beside Lord Iffy and dream a little dream. That's all you have to do."

Tiffany Blum-Deckler's alter-ego returns

Tiffany began to dream, but it wasn't about Lord Iffy. In the dream she was walking down the path between Lord Iffy's house and the Netherworld hotel, when she was transformed into the gay serpent man that she had become when Enditall had wreaked havoc with her crystal ball at the VILE awards. Tiffany woke with a start and ran off down the hall to shut herself in one of the guest rooms.

"Blimey, something certainly has her in a lather," Lord Iffy said. "Sandi, Quinn, you, one's old beans, aaare hah friends. Why dane't you, one's old beans, see what you can doh to be of assistance to hah?"

"Maybe she just needs another drink," Bartender Tiffany said. "That usually does the trick for me. I'll bring her a glass of champagne."

"I think she'll feel better if she has a bit of split pea and Spam soup," Stela said. "I'll get a bowl for her."

"I'll cast a spell to open the lock," False said.

The girls opened the door and gasped in union.

Tiffany fantasizes about the time she was turned into a gay serpent man by Enditall and turned on by Dr. Frank

Tiffany Blum-Deckler sat on the bed with her hands down her panties. She hadn't noticed the other Spiffies yet, and she continued to masturbate, moaning "Oh, Dr. Frankie! I want to be your gay serpent man!"

As Lord Iffy approached the room, the other girls held him back.

"But totty, what is the problem?" Lord Iffy asked. "If Tiffany feels terribly gutted, it will doh hah well to have myself chinwag to hah, dont' you old beans think? Goodness me!"

"Not right now, Lord Iffy," said Bartender Tiffany. "You see, she's petting her kitty cat."

"Well, why should that buhthah myself? One dane't mind cats especially. One has rahthah ah spiffing lint brush. Noh let myself in, shant you, one's old bean?"

"No, Lord Iffy, you don't understand," said Sandi. "What Drunkard Tiffany meant to say is that Fashion Club Tiffany is stroking her gopher."

"Why didn't one knoh about this menagerie soohnah?" Lord Iffy asked. "Well, all the more reasohn one needs to chinwag to hah. One can see noh that she was afraid myself finding out about hah animals. Goodness me!"

"More like her animal lusts," Quinn said.

"Bloohming hell! You, one's old bean, dane't mean to seay she's bin having it orf with hah pets?" Lord Iffy gasped.

"No, no, nothing like that, Lord Iffy," said False. "You see, Tiffany is in there polishing her pearl."

"Soh she wanted to giz myself ah peaaarl necklace--or was envisioning myself giving hah one? Well, that's noh trouble. I do love pearls, after all. Heavens above! How smashing!" Lord Iffy said.

Finally Lammy blurted out "oh, for Heavens sake, Lord Iffy, let's cut to the chase. She's masturbating!"

"Well, one dane't see what's soh rahthah unfortunate about that," Lord Iffy said. "I mean, aftah all, the thought of relieving myself of my virginity is ah tempting one, what?"

"Lord Iffy, I hate to be a snitch, but she isn't masturbating over you," says Stela. "Just listen for yourself."

"Oh Dr. Frank! I want to be your gay serpent man." Tiffany groaned. "I want to slither myself all around your hot, sexy body!"

"Gor blimey!" Lord Iffy gasped, blanching.

"Iffy, old skate, I'm terribly sorry for the trouble that my mistake of a few months ago continues to cause," Dr. Frank said. "If I'd had the least inkling that the hot serpent man whose trouser snake I was so enjoying fondling was your lass Tiffany, you know I never would have...or at least not until you'd eliminated her."

"One knohs that, Frank. And one is not fagged, hairlairh. Fie ah little staaartled that she actually enjoyed it absolutely that much. Well, to each their own, what? I seay, whenevah Tiffany finishes with hah...um...peaaarl-polishing, send hah downstairs, what? One thinks it's time for ah little champagne and the eliminations. One thinks one knohs all one needs to knoh. Don't you know?"

When a flushed Tiffany Blum-Deckler came downstairs, Lord Iffy was sipping champagne as Bartender Tiffany massaged his shoulders.

"Well I say - totty, one is ready to doh the eliminations," Lord Iffy said. "My, that dream machine certainly was revealing, wasn't it?"

"Baaartendah Tiffany, I'd fancy to present the first crest to you, one's old bean. At this moment in time, you, one's old bean, knoh fie what one needs. Here you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Jolly good show old bean!"

"False, that luverly dream about the luverly gossamah dress was simply splendid. Doh come and mustah your crest, love. Ahzloohtlee topp hole--I must seay! Heavens above! How smashing!"

"Quinn, you, one's old bean, aaare one's dream doll. You, one's old bean, should practice the saintly aaart of silence more often. Don't you knoh? Doh come and mustah your crest."

"Sandi, dreaming of you, one's old bean, and myself as peafowl truly made myself giggle. Doh strut up here and mustah your crest! Jolly good show old bean!"

"Lammy, meay one seay your knockers almost knocked the rest of the totty out of the contest todeay. But one is hanging tough for the 666,666,666,666 quatloohs promised myself by FOGNL. Doh come and mustah your crest, one's spicy little ewe. Oh stop it! You tease!!" Lord Iffy protested not terribly vehemently as Lammy flashed him her breasts once again.

"Stelah, your coohking skills aaare ah dream come true. Doh come and mustah your crest. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."

"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, dahling, let's fie seay...I knoh! One is not angry in the least, but you must jolly well goh your own weay. Sadly, you, one's old bean, will nevah be able to be what you, one's old bean, dream of being--at least not without paying Enditall ah few quatloohs to be of assistance to you, one's old bean, in achieving what you, one's old bean, have...envisioned. But one will tell you, one's old bean, this. Frankie will borf you, one's old bean, whethah or not you, one's old bean, aaare the...um...creature of your dreams. I fie knoh you, one's old bean, can't expect him to be faithful. Frankie shags whatevah strikes his fancy, dane't you, one's old bean, knoh?"

"Hurray!" Tiffany squealed, as she ran off to find Frankie.

"That hairlairh was jolly disturbing," Lord Iffy said. "I think that dream machine is roysh dangerous. Ought to be locked in ah vault somewhere, one must seay."

"Totty, Valentine's deay is fast approaching and we need to plan for the celebratiohn. But perhaps not todeay. Todeay, let's fie eat, drink, and be merry. But especially drink. Because one had more than one dream that it was Tiffany what toohk one's virginity--and noh one can't stopp thinking of hah as ah jolly serpent chap trying to slithah hah weay intoh Frankie's knickahs. It's ah visiohn one fancies to mustah out of one's head quick sticks, one must seay! Heavens above! How smashing! Now let's get smashed!"

No-one disagreed, and it was indeed a smashing afternoon. I bet my sister Mystic Xenia could have predicted it!

Crystal Balls