Who Will Win Quinn Episode 1a: Quinn Rocks Out to the Beefcake Act 1

Quinn really wanted to look the part for her rockin' day

Who Will win Quinn Episode 1a: Quinn Rocks Out to the Beefcake, Act 1

by Buzzoff

Hello Quinn fans! I'm honored that FOGNL asked me to report on the first episode of Who Wants to Win Quinn. I learn so many new things about human interactions reporting on these mating dance shows. It truly piques my scientific curiosity!
"Buzzoff," Quinn said, "like, I know you know a lot about rock music because you are a totally hardcore rocker and stuff."
"Why, thank you, Quinn," I said. "And I'll be happy to answer any question you might have about rocking hard and tearing it up."
"But you don't know about human relationships because you're totally not human. And I totally have a question about relationships with rock musicians who are, like, human and stuff."
"Well, why don't you ask your sister Daria about that?" I said. "She's human and she's in a relationship with a human, who is also a musician."
"Totally!" Quinn said. "Thanks, Buzzoff! You're so totally smart!"
So we went over to Daria and Trent's house. I saw that Buzzin was in the back yard playing with their twin spawns while Jane took pictures of Buzzin and the kids.
"Hey Buzzoff!" Buzzin said. "Jane's going to do some kind of artistic thing with these pictures of me and the spawns. And they're having fun too, and I'm earning 66,666 Quatloos an hour from Trent and Daria for minding their spawns."
"Cool," I said. "Where are Daria and Trent?"
"Oh, I totally know where to find them," Quinn said. "They're probably, like, in the bedroom taking a nap or something."

Quinn seems to have trouble with the concept of knocking before entering

Daria and Trent were in their bedroom, but they were engaged in spawning rather than resting activities.
"Damn it Quinn, don't you ever knock?" Daria demanded.
"Oh, it's ok, Daria, this will only take a second," Quinn said.
"Well, what is it?" Daria said, pulling her shirt down and straightening her underpants. "Make it snappy, could you?"
"Well, like, actually this question is kind of for Trent. So, Trent, like, I've got all these rocker guys on my show and I totally haven't ever dated any rocker guys before. So I, like, wondered if you could hang out with me before Mystik Spiral plays at the big May Festival concert tonight and give me some hints and stuff on how to deal with these guys."
"Whoa! I'm flattered that you want my advice, Quinn," Trent said.
"Oh, brother," said Daria, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, I'll totally give you my advice. I'm totally glad to help," Trent continued.
"Trent, quit saying totally before I get totally turned off," said Daria. "And Quinn, get the hell out of here before I get even more turned off. You're worse than the kids about busting in without knocking."
"Ok," Quinn said cheerfully. "See you at the concert, Trent!"
"Oh, Buzzoff!" Quinn said to me as we left her sister's house. "I'm so glad I have musicians like you and Trent to totally help me understand this rock stuff. I always was into boy bands. But The Spooky Guy's sons are sooooo totally hot! And Quorthon's sons are sooooo totally cool! And Axe Man and the Lutefiskies are so totally....badass! Oh Buzzoff! I can't believe I totally might be falling for a, like, Death Cheese guy!"
"Well, it just shows what great taste you are finally uncovering in your psyche, Quinn," I said. "Don't fight it. Roll with it!"
"Totally!" Quinn said.
We went over to the fairgrounds where the bands were starting to set up. The first band to play would be Whitey Crackajack, the band consisting of Jack and Zack Crackajack and their cousin Tighty Whitey. Then it would be Cowboy Travis for a change of pace. Next would be Spooky's sons and their band, and then Hellspawn. Then the more experienced bands would play for the second wave, starting with Trent's band Mystik Spiral, moving on to The Ghastly Crue and Ectoplasm Attack and culminating with, of course, Death Cheese. Well, apparently The Crappy Crew is going on after Death Cheese, but only turds are going to hang around for that shit. In between acts there will be other entertainment put on by the other guys, and then Naked Gymnastics for Jesus will perform just before Death Cheese. It will be a real extravaganza!

Artie is thrilled to see Quinn

Artie the Pizza Boy was there near the entrance to the concert stage in the pizza stand.
"Quinn!" he called. "I arranged it with my boss--free pizza for you and the guys all night!"
"Thanks Artie, Hon," Quinn said. "Smooches!"

The Spooky Guy's three new sons ravenously sample the pizza

Spooky's sons mumbled something between mouthfuls about making sure the pizza was "up to the snuff" before Quinn ate any of it. Quinn looked a little scared of their ability to eat so much. I began to wonder what other DNA might be in their mix besides Spooky's and Marie Fredriksson's, because I don't think either of them eat all the time the way their three spawns are always devouring everything in sight.
I thought that Artie might faint when Quinn blew him a kiss. And I thought that Spooky's sons might end up with indigestion. I told Dr. Schitz, who was in the medical tent, to look after them. At that moment, Beavis and Butthead approached.
"Uh, Dr. Schitz," Beavis said. "Me and Butthead want to, like, get some condominiums from you. You know, in case we, like, get to score with Quinn later."
"Um...don't worry about that, Dr. Schitz," Quinn said. "That isn't going to happen just yet. Or probably ever."
"So, like, Quinn," Butthead said. "Me and Beavis are, like, here DJ-ing for KHEL 666 during the concert. So if you want to, like, come over and show us your boobs sometime, that would be, like, cool and stuff. Huh huh huh."
"Yeah. Yeah! Boobs!" Beavis gibbered. "'Cause, like, we want to score!"
"Um...ok, guys," Quinn said, grabbing my elbow and hiding behind one of my wings. "Come on, Buzzoff. Let's go up by the stage."

Whitey Crackajack with their newest member, Don "Wiggy" Wigtowski (in red striped shirt)

"Yo, Quinn, mah hizzy!" Zack Crackajack called.
"Zack, I am NOT your hizzy!" Quinn said.
"Yo, Babe, don't be insizzled," said Whitey. "Zack is just a pizzozer, yo."
"Yo, fuck you, bizzitch!" Zack said.

"Boys, please!" said Quinn.

"It looks like you fellows multiplied," I said. "Do you form new members of your species by dividing like amoebas?"
"Huh?" said Whitey.
"Uh...we ain't no amizzle fo shizzle," said Jack Crackajack. "This is our nizzle Wiggy Wigtowski fo shizzle."
"Yo, Quizzle!" said the new fellow. "Whut up, Girlie? I'm gonna be hangin' with the homies, yo."
"How did you end up here, Wizzle? I mean, Wiggy?" Quinn said.
"Yo, Wizzle was drivin' down the street with a forty and a fatty, laid back," said Jack. "When the po-lice got all up in his grizzle."
"Yo, so I made a run from the opprizzle of the mizzle for shizzle," said Wiggy.
"Trouble is, bitchez, he fo-got the brizzle was out an' him an' his forty ended up in forty feet of rizzle, mah nizzle," said Zack.
"Well, welcome, Wiggy," Quinn said. "It's, like, totally nice to meet you and stuff."
"Yo, thanks, Babe," Wiggy said, starry eyed as Quinn shook his hand. "And I makes sure I ain't disrespectin' the hizzys when I bust a rhyme fo shizzle."
"Well...uh...that's nice," Quinn said, obviously not understanding a word he said.
"Quinn, these guys are amazing," I said. "It's as if they speak the language of English, and yet they don't."

Whitey Crackajack manager Jive Turkey

"Yo, Wiggers, yo' on, Bitchez," said the guys' manager, Jive Turkey. "An' make it slammin' like Spam in a can. Cause the Vogon Idol judgez is heer, bitchez! An' if they's down with yo posse, they may bust you onto Vogon Idol this summer, yo!"

The audience started to gather and Whitey Crackajack took the stage.
"Uh...what is this crap?" said Butthead.
"Yeah, this sucks!" Beavis said. "We want the chicks!"

As promised, Daria, Trent, Jane, and Darren came to advise Quinn about the plethora of musicians in her bevy of beaus.

"So, Daria, did you, like, finish having sex and stuff?" Quinn asked.
"No, Quinn, I'm still doing it," Daria said. "That's why I'm standing here fully..."
"Whoa!" Trent said, pointing up in the air.
"Oh hell...how did that happen?" Daria asked.

Tom Sloan's new look

Daria, evidently anticipating a mess, gazes in horror at the Tom Sloan angel

"Yo, Tom! Who'd you have to blow to get those wings?" Trent yelled.
"Uh, Trent, it's not a good idea to piss angels off," Daria said. "Even if they are Tom Sloan."
"If he's a real angel, I'll eat my easel," Jane said. "That's got to be some sort of plastic surgery by Dr. Quincy or DNA mutation by Dr. Schitz."
"Well, I don't recall Dr. Schitz...wait a minute... Project Angel. Excuse me a minute, everyone. I need to open a can of whoop ass...I mean, have a chat with my esteemed employer."
"Yo, Bitch, stop upstaging us!" Zack Crackajack shouted.
"Yeah! Yo ass is a total attention ho!" proclaimed Jack.
"Tom Sloan is a bitch an' he ain't no angle
If he flies his fake ass down here I'll put his neck in a strangle!" Whitey rapped.
The guys flew into a jumbled rhyme insulting Quinn's other prospective suitors.

Flipper shows his 'tude--and his patoot--to the audience

Flipper really liked this rhyme and jumped up on stage to join the guys, stripping off his pants and shaking his ass. I was unsure if this was a mating dance or a show of aggression.
"Dude--gross! Cover it up!" Shorty Slash yelled. "I'm young and innocent and that thing is hurting my virgin eyes!"

The visiting Vogon judges

Most of the audience was actually watching as Daria chewed out Dr. Schitz for the myriad of unscrupulous DNA projects he's been conducting behind her back lately. But the Vogon Idol judges were mesmerized by Whitey Crackajack.
"They are vile," said Judge Hkkau Luggie.
"Indeed. They are respluvicant...most respluvicant...with Splunge!" proclaimed Master of Ceremonies Mrook Mroon reverently. "Mr. Turkey! Please advise your progeny that they will be competing on the most loprositous entertainment program in the Universe, Vogon Idol, this ploktoon."
"Congratulations, Boys!" I shouted. "You're going to be on Vogon Idol! You know, that's how Death Cheese got where we are today!"
"Playing gigs on crappy reality shows?" Jane asked.
"Yeah, isn't it great?" I said.
"Buzzoff, you are an irrepressable optimist," Darren said. "I dig that."
"Thanks, Darren. But don't mention it to Axe Man. He gets bent out of shape about my not seeming more brutal offstage," I said.
After Whitey Crackajack finished their performance, Trent took the stage. The crowd went wild.
"Wait, wait," he said. "Yeah. Thanks so much for your support. Mystik Spiral will be on later so don't get too wasted to dig our act and stuff. But right now, I hope you'll be cool to my brother Wind Lane and his buddy Ethan Yeager, who are going to do some slam poetry for you. Oh yeah. And you can vote on who you think my sister in law Quinn should keep and who she should eliminate from her new reality show today cause that's what this is all about. Love and stuff. Yeah. So here's Wind and Ethan."

Wind is the quiet, introspective, romantic type--with great abs

Ethan is laid back yet outspoken

Most of the audience refrained from throwing things at Wind and Ethan, probably out of respect for Trent. Their poetry was interesting and the Vogons seemed impressed. All in all, things were going well, until Tommy Sherman started throwing eggs.
"Tommy, stop it!" Quinn shrieked.
"I'll stop him, Quinn," Weasel proclaimed.
"I'd better help him," said Bruce Fairlane.

Bruce Fairlane, after Tommy Sherman tore his clothes off

Weasel remained unscathed

Weasel and Bruce Fairlane dragged Tommy off the stage, but not before Tommy tore most of Bruce's clothes off.
"Dude! Chill out!" Weasel admonished Tommy. "Yo, Bruce, Man, you can probably borrow more clothes from one of the musicians here or something."
"No, that's cool," Bruce said. "I think Quinn might like me like this."

Cowboy Travis hoped that Quinn would like his muscles and his music

Cowboy Travis then took the stage. I asked Quinn how she was enjoying his music.
"What music?" she asked. "He has such great muscles!"
Travis sang as song about the train that was his heart. The Vogon Idol judges were lukewarm.
"It has splave, but not much splunge," said Judge Mroon.
"He lacks the courage to display true splunge," said Judge Lugie. "Truly a disappointment."
"Hey, it's time for you to get off the stage, Hick!" Tommy Sherman demanded. "Let some real men strut their stuff!"

Tommy Sherman vogues

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie monkey around

I soon saw why Tommy was so eager to get the other guys off the stage. Because next up was Jock Rock, the act that Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie had put together and Tommy had muscled his way in on. The Cheesemeister remarked that was sort of like the Harlem Globetrotters, only without the basketballs or the talent. I thought it was quite an interesting dance. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, dressed as monkeys, threw a football to each other and did acrobatics, while Tommy strutted around in a jock strap flexing his muscles.
"Well...uh...that was really...something, guys," Quinn said. "Great muscles, Tommy! You looked hot! But I'm looking forward to seeing some more bands now."
"That was truly wumblic performance art," noted Judge Lugie.
"Yes," said Judge Mroon. "It stirred the offal. I suggest that we invite these simioid beings to participate in Vogon Idol this ploktoon."
I was looking forward to seeing The Spooky Guy's sons perform. He was fussing over them.
"Listen, Boys," he said. "It would be very much unprofessional to go on stage in shirts stained with pizza grease. Now get cleaned up if you wish to not embarrass me--I mean, if you wish to impress Quinn. I cannot believe those words are coming from my mouth. Now come on, get ready to go out there and kick some ass!"

TO BE CONTINUED

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