A drunk Grim Reaper and Lyanne Sakks get it together at one of King Smut's parties and of course Smutty filmed the whole thing and sold the tape. Whoo-hooo!!! Way to go, Grimmy and Lyanne!!!
Peter Piper
Peter Piper
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
On the Rebound
Veronica Zombie sure didn't waste any time finding a new man after Axe Man gave her the chop. I spotted her in the alley behind the Happy Wiener with Stubbs MacEndsy, and it looked like she just couldn't get enough of him!
Maxi Garbage
Maxi Garbage
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Steve Harris' Compromising Position
Eddie thought it would be great fun to send this picture of his bandmate Steve Harris in a compromising position to Rattling Bones Undead Musician Magazine.
But then Eddie realized he could make a few more Quatloos by exploiting his friend even more.
So he also had Steve pose for this picture.
Steve was last seen at Steak Through the Heart buying a case of Whoop Ass.
By Mickey Ratt
Monday, December 31, 2007
The Flavor of Axe 15: Axe's Hot Holiday
Axe puts the X in XXXmas
The Flavor of Axe 15: The Party Never Stops
by A Fungus From Yuggoth
Wow, I have never seen so much drinking! And it hasn't stopped yet! I'll just start with what happened on the night between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
by A Fungus From Yuggoth
Wow, I have never seen so much drinking! And it hasn't stopped yet! I'll just start with what happened on the night between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Flatulina returns for more festive holiday play with Axe Man
It seemed for a while that Flatulina would pose a real threat to the other females competing to mate with Axe Man, but she was actually happy enough to just make out with him and then engage in a farting contest, which she won with her natural talents. She also triumphed in a drinking competition and learned how to make Spam Chili and other fantastic Spam delights under the tutelage of Soggy. Personally I think that Soggy is the greatest modern chef in the Universe. He definitely deserves to win a Julia. I bet Julia Child herself will be proud to present her award for fine cuisine to this humble master of Spam!
Scott Baio
Charles N. Charge
Tony "Boss" Micelli
Axe Man is thrilled because the Cheesemeister recently took the liberty of hiring two mannies from the Mary Poppins Nanny Agency to help mind the multitude of Death Cheese offspring. Said Mannies came in the form of Charles N. Charge and Tony "Boss" Micelli. Axe initially mistook Charles' doppelganger Scott Baio for Charles himself. I'm not so sure that the mistake was ever cleared up or if Axe just thought he was seeing double.
Tony "Boss" Micelli
Axe Man is thrilled because the Cheesemeister recently took the liberty of hiring two mannies from the Mary Poppins Nanny Agency to help mind the multitude of Death Cheese offspring. Said Mannies came in the form of Charles N. Charge and Tony "Boss" Micelli. Axe initially mistook Charles' doppelganger Scott Baio for Charles himself. I'm not so sure that the mistake was ever cleared up or if Axe just thought he was seeing double.
Bootz once again shows Axe her Hootz
Axe must have thought he was seeing quadruple when Bootz thrust her famous chest in his face to give him a lap dance. Axe was thrilled with his early Christmas present. He was drunk enough that he didn't notice the lecherous Scott Baio drooling on Bootz' ample bosom. Bootz did notice and slapped Scott across the chops as he hung a piece of mistletoe over her head in hopes of a smooch. Flowering Kudzu took advantage of this moment to distract Axe from Bootz bouncing boobs by explaining the meaning of Kwanzaa while she did her own booty dance. Axe looked seriously confused. Charles, meanwhile, found himself facing off with Tony from Who's the Boss for the Head Manny position. Axe stated that he really wanted Mary Poppins to be Lambkin's nanny but would have settled for the Spooky Guy. Spooky, however, seems to prefer to mind inhuman spawn. Not that Lambkin is human. But since Spooky already has a gross of Soglings to mind, it's understandable that he would be overwhelmed.
Axe must have thought he was seeing quadruple when Bootz thrust her famous chest in his face to give him a lap dance. Axe was thrilled with his early Christmas present. He was drunk enough that he didn't notice the lecherous Scott Baio drooling on Bootz' ample bosom. Bootz did notice and slapped Scott across the chops as he hung a piece of mistletoe over her head in hopes of a smooch. Flowering Kudzu took advantage of this moment to distract Axe from Bootz bouncing boobs by explaining the meaning of Kwanzaa while she did her own booty dance. Axe looked seriously confused. Charles, meanwhile, found himself facing off with Tony from Who's the Boss for the Head Manny position. Axe stated that he really wanted Mary Poppins to be Lambkin's nanny but would have settled for the Spooky Guy. Spooky, however, seems to prefer to mind inhuman spawn. Not that Lambkin is human. But since Spooky already has a gross of Soglings to mind, it's understandable that he would be overwhelmed.
Lammy showed up with the intent of begging Axe Man to let her back on the show. However she got up close with her good friend Booze early on and passed out under the Christmas tree. The girls from Naked Gymnastics for Jesus were playing with PANSI'S new pet unicorn. The Cheesemeister hollered that she hoped the unicorn was housebroken. Brittney said that she didn't know if it was or not, but it had knocked over a couple of lamps and broken them.
Xantha (left) and Veronica (right)
Brittney also said that if The Cheesemeister or anybody else wanted to see something really funny they should feast their eyes on Veronica Zombie and Flesh Eating Xantha's shirts. She then asked Axe Man if he preferred to be killed or fucked first.
Axe Man suddenly leapt from his seat, tossing the startled Bootz to the floor on her booty. Axe told Brittney he had a present for her. He handed her a small box, and in the box was a sprig of mistletoe.
"Axe know you want Axe as much as Axe want you, Brittney!!" Axe said enthusiastically. "Axe freshen breath, then pucker up!"
Axe took a swig of Jeppson's Malort, a wine described at the Bumwine Enthusiast website as "a foul Swedish liquor," which was a gift from The Spooky Guy who wrote on the card in full Curmudgeon style "happy fucking hollidays, Ass-Man. I get this for you as the Ghost of Xmas Future says I must stop being so much of a Scrooge or I will get a Xmas tree where the sun don't shine. I think the members of Death Cheese may be the only ones that can stomach it. So I will let you be the experiment. Good luck choosing a skank who shall not give you a social disease. But even if you do this will probably kill any disease. Your band is proof that I am cursed in eternity. From your eternally reluctant merchandiser, Spooky."
As soon as Axe had swigged the vile concoction, he puckered up and thrust his face towards Brittney, who sent his head spining in a manner that rivaled little Reagan's famous head-spin in the Exorcist and even rivaled the head-spin that I convinced Ronald Reagan to do by telling him that it would help him in his quest for a seat in the Netherworld senate. Boy, what a patsy! Brittney told Axe to take his sprig of mistletoe and stick it where the sun don't shine.
"Axe can see holidays make you grouchy, Brittney, my love," Axe called to the departing Satanic priestess. "But you can't fight this feeling forever. I know you want me and if you just say the word I'll drop these other hussies like a non-alcoholic beer!"
"I think you already dropped Bootz' butt like a bad rump roast," Brittney quipped.
While Charles N. Charge and Tony the Boss arm-wrestled for the position of head Manny, Lambkin got at Axe's foul Swedish liquor and now lay under the Xmahannuramakwanzyule tree passed out drunk beside her mother. Axe remarked that it was a shame that his little darling had fallen asleep so soon because it was now time for him to don his Santa Claus costume and pass out presents to everybody.
While Charles N. Charge and Tony the Boss arm-wrestled for the position of head Manny, Lambkin got at Axe's foul Swedish liquor and now lay under the Xmahannuramakwanzyule tree passed out drunk beside her mother. Axe remarked that it was a shame that his little darling had fallen asleep so soon because it was now time for him to don his Santa Claus costume and pass out presents to everybody.
Black Metal Tinkerbell's Xmas Elf Costume
Santa Axe takes Brandi behind Lambkin's playhouse and gives her a sampling of his Yule Log
Black Metal Tinkerbell and Brandi put on their sexy elf costumes. While Axe was otherwise occupied with Brandi, Xantha picked up the sleeping Lambkin and walked away. A moment later, Quentin Quatloo and Vinny Barbarino walked in. They picked up Lammy and walked away with her.
"Say, Axe, that Xantha female is going somewhere with your spawn and some guy with a white beard and some other guy just walked in and grabbed your spawn's mother," I said as I observed the mating ritual between Axe and Brandi.
"Nice of Xantha to take Lambkin to sleep in bed. She is really a maternal girl, like Madonna. And nice of Santa and his elf to take Lammy to bed. That girl really like to tie one on!" Axe replied.
Axe didn't seem very worried so I supposed that I shouldn't be. Then again, my head is one big brain and I felt that something really wasn't right. But Axe and Brandi had returned so that Axe could pass out gifts.
"First of all, there are lots of gifts for Naked Gymnastics girls, especially PANSI. There just too many, especally for PANSI. PANSI can talk about on her blog. Let's see what else there is for everybody else."
"First gift for Axe from Lutefiskies. Big box of condoms! And they write note themselves. Axe can hardly read their writing. It look like they say Axe need to protect self from scocal disease. Axe must ask Dr. Schitz what this is. Thanks, guys! These will come in real handy!"
"Next gift from our good friend Hal Itosis is big case of Shit Begone toilet paper. This gift for everybody in case we need to get rid of Arsewipe. Good idea, Hal! Arsewipe sucks!"
"Next gift from Quorthon to Brittney is key to heart. Well, this pretty stupid gift! Especially after gift Axe give Brittney. Brittney just need to stop playing hard to get and come to Axe!"
"Next gift from Alvin N. Chipmunkk for Cheesemeister. This one great fruitcake for catapult! Maybe she let us watch when she flings from catapult. This cool gift!"
"Next gift from Eddie for Death Cheese. It golden ticket for Iron Maiden show at Willy Wonka chocolate factory. Silly Eddie! Death Cheese playing same gig--Maiden opening for us! But thanks anyway."
"Next gift for Cheesemeister from Mrs. Weirdso. Book about stumbling upon happiness. Well, that should be pretty easy for Cheesemeister. Stumbling come natural to her! Axe hope she not hurt self too much."
"Next gift from Lord Iffy for anyone desperate enough to take. Lord Iffy offering virginity for free. Since Lord Iffy our host this week, if anyone wants to go for him, he be real happy. Maybe Axe give Lord Iffy leftover babes."
"Next gift from Spooky to Cheesemeister..."
"Come on, fellow author, I want to show you my hardwares," Spooky said suddenly. "I think you may like them. Let's go to the basement."
"I don't know," the Cheesemeister said. "What if Butler's built another one of his Pelvotrons? I don't want to end up like that one guest of his that the last Pelvotron got hold of."
"Well, for what it's worth, Butler said he'd never build another Pelvotron. But we'll be careful."
"All right, show me your hardware."
"Cheesemeister, wait!" Axe Man called. "Next gift from Santa and your Uncle Jerry. It lump of coal and note that say don't you dare accept certain offer from Spooky. Like hardware maybe? Axe not know. Hardware seem like pretty stupid gift. Maybe Spooky trying to trick you."
"Come on, Charles," a by now rather drunken Tony "Boss" Micelli said to his new friend. "Let's see if we can catch that tall skinny spook and the Death Cheese manager chick doing the naughty. We'll sell the pix to King Smut."
"Wait a minnit, I wanna shee shmut too!" declared Scott Baio. He opened the door to the basement and proceeded to tumble down the stairs. He rolled past the Cheesemeister and the Spooky Guy, who were sitting fully clothed at a workbench with Lord Iffy's butler, John Butler, looking at a set of tools.
"You're right, lad," said Butler. "Red Green and Sealo are going to love this hardware! These are some jolly fine tools for any good handyman, what?"
Scott slammed into another door, which burst open into a secret dungeon. In the dungeon were Flesh Eating Xantha and Quentin Quatloo, chanting. They were preparing to sacrifice the unconscious Lambkin and Lammy. And just then Lord Iffy came down the stairs with a glass of champagne in hand.
"That lovely lamb girl said she'd be glad to accept my precious gift, Butler, me boy," he said. "Now, if I could only just find her, I'd be one happy bloke. I'm going to lose me virginity tonight old bean! What the hell? I say!! There shall be no blood sacrifices in Findidnann Hall, mark my words!"
"Shall I release the Pelvotron, Sir?" Butler asked.
"I thought you destroyed all of those, Butler."
"I couldn't help myself, Sir, I built another. It's new and improved..."
"Bugger that! I want that white-haired bastard and that rotting crumpet off the lamb lass and her wee kiddie!"
Upon hearing the command "bugger that," the Pelvotron Model 2 rolled towards Quentin Quatloo, lifted his robes, and obeyed command. Xantha ran from the room screaming, fearing she'd be next. The Pelvotron rolled forth up the stairs with Quatloo still attatched to its thrusting appendage, and out into the night.
"Bother--I thought I'd fixed that glitch," said Butler.
"Oh, no matter. The local constabulary will take care of it. Help me carry the lamb girl to my chambers, Butler, and have Nervous Norvis start a big urn of coffee to brewing. When the dear lass awakens I want her to have what it takes to be alert enough to pop the old Boatrace cherry right and proper!"
"As you wish, Sir," said Butler. "But what about your reality programme where you were supposed to hold exciting contests to discover which of 20 lucky lasses would be the one to plunder the coveted Boatrace virginity?"
"Blimey! You're bloody well right, Butler. Oh, bollocks, and I was so looking forward to getting boffed! Goodness me, it's apparent that having Axe Man for a father has made the wee kidder able to sleep through a sonic blast! He must have played her "Destruction Lullaby" as her nighttime song, don't you know?"
"I imagine, Sir," said Butler.
"Lord Iffy, Axe thank you for saving Lambkin!" Axe Man said.
"No thanks necessary, Lad. All in a days work for the descendant of kings and knights. Heroism is in the blood, what? But one does think you, one's old bean, ought to be shut of that Xanthah. That wicked gal was about to sacrifice your jolly flesh and claaaret! Don't you know?"
"Axe not know what Lord Iffy say, but Axe think it time for eliminations before Axe get too drunk to talk intelligent. You ought to try this Swedish stuff, Lord Iffy. It put hair on chest!"
"Never mind, my good lad. A little too rich for me delicate taste buds, one does think. Besides, I think the smooth chest goes best with me lingerie. I'll stick to champagne."
"Gather round, everybody, Axe have announcement to make!" Axe said. "It time for eliminations and then more drinking!"
"First axe go to Bootz. Bootz give great lap dance! Give Axe woody! You come get axe and meet me in suite later to try out Xmahannuramakwanzyule present from Lutefiskies."
"Veronica, Axe like shirt you wear that say I fuck everything I kill. Axe own father Knullenhest Drittsack Knokellost say very same thing when he go hunting near Axe ancestral home of Plaugen castle! You come get axe."
"Kudzu, that interesting story you tell Axe. Axe want to find out more about Kwanzaa. Axe wonder if Kwanzaa related to Azathoth or Hastur. You come get axe and we talk later."
"Black Metal Tinkerbell and Brandi, Axe thank you for being sexy elves for Axe. Brandi, we go another round later! You come get axes."
"Xantha, you get the hell out! You and stupid greedy man try to sacrifice Lambkin! You make Axe sick! Axe chop you to bits!"
This time nobody stopped Axe. His drunken swinging took down a few pieces of furniture before he staggered out into the night to pursue Xantha.
"Well," the Cheesemeister said, "I certainly hope that he doesn't encounter the Pelvotron. This is probably as good a time as any to announce the gifts that the girls from NG4J got, before everyone gets too drunk. I hope you'll join me in celebrating with them. And I for one am very glad that Xantha is out of the picture! When she was around I kept having nightmares about being chopped up and put in a pie! The only one who would be interested in her is Sweeney Todd, and I think he already has a girlfriend."
A Fungus from Yuggoth
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The Flavor of Axe 13: The NTV Awards Get Wild
I'm proud to be hosting the Netherworld Tune Television awards right here at my pub. I love all the bands that play here but my money is on Death Cheese for the Loudest and/or Least Talented. (Photo courtesy Asinine News Archives)
The Flavor of Axe 13: Skanks Gone Wild
by Ugly GraceHello Metal Fans! Ugly Grace here and I'm so proud that the UNDEAD executives have chosen my pub to be the place where the Netherworld's coolest Metal acts will compete for various SPAMMY awards on FOGNL subsidiary Netherworld Tune Television, aka NTV-666. Soggy really wants to win a SPAMMY, and to celebrate he's helping prepare some of his favorite Spam dishes. The Spooky Guy told the Spawns that it would help build character for them to get in the kitchen and help Soggy cook. So while I thank Spooky for keeping the Spawn slime out of my bar, now my kitchen is all slimy, and smells like Spam. But I guess that's the price you have to pay for hosting a rocking event with Death Cheese as the headlining act.
Coincidentally, one of the NTT awards will be Sexiest Groupie. Can you say "Sexism?" Oh...I guess they'll be choosing a "Sexiest Groupie" in male, female and he-she. I'd say Murry Magdalene is a shoo-in for the he-she category. I really don't care who wins in the female category, but I'm sure looking forward to watching those Happy Wiener hotties compete in the Male category! I suppose more than half of them are gay but damn--they sure are nice to look at!
Axe Man told his ladies that he was going to give an award of a special one-on-one date to the winner of his own Sexiest Groupie competition. Most of the NTT judges were ready to ogle the bimbos...I mean, gals. And the gals were ready to strut their stuff. All but Hortense. And she asked if she could borrow my phone.
"Gracie, I need to make a real important phone call," she said, and she had a very concerned look on her face. If she weren't a zombie, I'd think the call was to Dr. Schitz due to her being pregnant by Axe Man. Of course it's been speculated that Lammy would know all about that. Then again, Axe Man is himself the offspring of a zombie and a satanically immortalized stumble-bum executioner. So who knows? Maybe Hortense does have a little half-undead bun in the oven. I wanted to listen in but I was curious about how Flowering Kudzu would make a fool of herself. So I half listened and half watched Kudzu's surprisingly family-oriented rump-shaking act with a song she just wrote and a video that was produced by King Smut.
Is it scary that King Smut was able to make a family oriented video? I kind of think so!
Overall, I was actually pretty impressed. I think Axe Man won't mind Kudzu including her kids in the video but I'm not sure how he's going to feel about all the kids' fathers except for him being in there! Not to be outclassed by Kudzu, Lammy performed a series of artistic nude poses to a song called "Tears For The Sheep" by a rap group called Atmosphere while Pablo Picante sketched her.
Lammy was cool in this picture--literally.
Interesting...I'm not sure how keen Axe Man was on it though. He was pretty interested in Lammy being naked at first but when she didn't strut around like a tramp, he lifted his butt cheek and ripped loose with a big fart before ordering a double shot of Wild Turkey.
The next act featured the three zombie girls performing to the cliche zombie favorite, Thriller.
Hortense, Veronica and Xantha strut their stuff to Michael Jackson's Thriller. Ya know, Jacko looked pretty creepy even back in the day, but not as creepy as he does now. Who's with me that he's an Undead?
I have to admit, I was pretty impressed. Axe Man didn't seem to be. He ordered a bowl of the house special triple bean chili and a liter of beer. I told my bartenders to get the sextuple strength exhaust fans ready for the 666 megaton farts that were bound to be the result.
I told the ladies what a great job they did. Veronica told me that she and her sister Veruca had been two of the original dancers in the video. Which was interesting the first time she told me. Not so interesting the third and downright annoying the tenth. Xantha said she was hungry. I told her that Soggy probably would give her some Spam. She just made a face.
"Spam wimp food! Need human flesh!" she said.
Hortense kept looking out the window. Had she possibly been calling Steak Thru The Heart to deliver? And if so, what the hell did she order to have been on the phone so long? And why was it taking them so long to deliver when they're just across the street? I swear that place sucks!
While I was fuming over the existence of Steak Through the Heart and contemplating on sticking pins into a voodoo doll of Rotten Ralph (he really is a dog!) Bootz did what Bootz does.
And now for something completely the same. Bootz does her booty dance...again...for the millionth time.
What else but the Bootz booty dance? Yawn. Axe seemed to like it though. He took her up to that apartment above my pub that Lammy rents sometimes and had her do it for him in private.
Brandi wasn't going to let the private moment between Axe and Bootz stay private, however. So she went up to the apartment and distracted Axe with this little bit of talentless butt-wiggling.
Brandi does her own tired booty dance. Double yawn!
Which resulted in a cat fight and Axe hurling from having eaten too much chili and drunk too much Wild Turkey.
While I did what any good pub owner would do for a member of her biggest crowd-drawing act and helped Axe Man clean himself up after his moment of puking, it became apparent that Bootz and Brandi weren't finished. They went back downstairs and were fighting onstage!
Bootz and Brandi duke it out to win Axe's affections
Bootz won, both at the booty dance and in the fight.
I know that Brittney thinks it would be better for Black Metal Tinkerbell if she was ousted from the contest, but it would sure be great for Death Cheese if she was the one Axe chose. That fairy dust of hers is like magic Alka Seltzer! Axe was back to his old self in no time!
Dusty Doggy dug up this video of Black Metal Tinkerbell practicing her act for the Tiny Tim House fundraiser
Oh dear--I think that Tink is going to lose all her credibility when Brittney sees this video of her practicing her Xmahannuramakwanzyule dance that just surfaced.
Tink and I took Axe back to the pub to get ready for the contest. The lame-o best groupie judges chose Brandi as their favorite. That may be because it was Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx' birthday and as a present Axe invited him to be on the show, and Nikki tends to like the busty blonde type. I wonder who Axe will choose as his favorite?
Everything was going crazy! Soggy and the Spawns were serving up all sorts of Spam concoctions. The floor was slick with slime. The stage was slick with slime. Only Ectoplasm Attack and Death Cheese were able to maintain their footing because The Spooky Guy long ago figured out how to combat the Soggy slime trails--wear suction cups on your shoes!
Buzzoff was so star-struck he could hardly speak when he invited fellow bassist Nikki Sixx onstage to jam with Death Cheese and Nikki accepted. Fortunately, because he was wearing earplugs, Nikki didn't really notice how badly Death Cheese managed to mutilate Motley Crue's song, Too Young To Fall In Love. He just got into his own zone and did his thing.
The other members of Motley Crue show up in time to rescue their song from complete obliteration
Fortunately for Nikki, the other members of his band showed up fashionably late for his birthday party and jumped onstage to join in. The people from Fu King Chinese Restaurant came over and things got pretty crazy.
The NTT gave me an award for being the Most Rockin' Dive Bar in the Netherworld. I was so proud! Brandi won the Hottest Female Groupie award (whoo--big fat surprise!) Murry Magdalene won the Hottest He-She Groupie Award (Again, gee, what a shock!) and Quetzal-Pretzel, the Aztec stud from the Happy Wiener and Evil Ed's House of Hotties won the Hottest Male Groupie award.
Quetzal-Pretzel struts his fully-clothed stuff. Usually he takes it off to such tunes as "I'm Too Sexy."
That Quetzal-Pretzel is sure a hunk! Unfortunately watching guys like that sometimes makes me clumsy and I dropped the tray of drink glasses I was carrying to the bar. When I bent down to pick up the mess, I happened to glance under the table. And now I knew for sure that no-one but Brandi possibly could have won the Hottest Female Groupie award. She was under the table giving the judges the payoff.
Brandi makes the judges' day
"Oh for...STOP THAT!!!" I shouted. "This isn't a sex club, it's a NIGHTCLUB! Maybe you need to get your ears examined! Or rent a brain! Or something! But at least take that schlong out of your mouth and put your damn clothes on!"
"Don't even think about it!" a regal voice boomed. And King Smut stepped through the door, accompanied by Dr. Fraud's assistant Dr. Asmoday.
King Smut asks one of the cooks from Fu King's place if she's legal to appear in his upcoming production "Fortune Cookies and Cream of Sum Yung Gy."
"Dr. Asmoday!" Hortense shrieked, running over to hug the surprised shrink. "Oh, I'm so glad y'all came! I didn't know if y'all were gonna and I was miserable as a flea on a dead dog. I called y'all over an hour ago. Things shore is crazy in this here place. I bet y'all could drum up a lot of business iffen y'all jest stick around a few minutes."
"I was in session with King Smut," Dr. Asmoday said. "When our session was over I checked my messages and we came right over. You're right, it really is nuts in here. What's going on?"
"Oh, some award cery-mony fer one of them thar music shows," Hortense said, and I couldn't help but notice how she was looking at Dr. Asmoday as if he was the only man in the room, or maybe the entire Universe. "I guess it's a SPAMMY award and that's howcome Soggy made all that thar Spam. Now Spam's purty dang good, but iffen y'all don't like Spam I bet we can find y'all somethin' else in the kitchen. Oh, Dr. Asmoday, I ain't bin able to stop thinkin' 'bout y'all, ever since I seen ya fer that there psychy-logical assessin' thingy we done on the last show. I wanted to call y'all afore, but I lost my nerve. I bin drawin' a bunch of them thar pictures fer y'all to look at. That shore was fun! Would y'all like to see 'em later?"
"Sure, Hortense," Dr. Asmoday said. "But I have to tell you that I can't be your therapist."
"Why the heck not?" Hortense demanded, looking dejected. "I thought you an' me clicked jest like a key in a padlock!"
"Well, that's why I can't be your therapist, Hortense. It's because of my personal feelings for you. I never thought I'd feel like this for an Undead, but you're a very special Undead. I wanted to bring you some flowers, but I knew there wouldn't be any place to put them. So I had them sent to your cousin's farm for you."
"Oh, Dr. Asmoday, y'all are the best!" Hortense squealed, throwing her arms around the shrink. Normally I would have thought it was a very touching scene. But I was pretty put out. After all, there was now a porno movie being filmed in my pub.
"Dr. Asmoday, I think I need to make an appointment," I said. "What's going on here today is really scarring my psyche."
With that I grabbed a bottle of Olde Rot Gut off the bar and took a big swig. Death Cheese kept playing as Axe Man leaped into the audience, swinging his axe. I swear he's an oblivious cuss! He didn't even seem to notice Brandi performing for King Smut's cameras right in front of everybody. But he did notice Hortense cuddling up to Dr. Asmoday. He charged towards the hapless shrink, swinging his axe. I popped him on the head with the bottle of Olde Rot Gut.
"Axe, I think maybe you need to do eliminations now," I said.
"Whoa! What hit Axe?" Axe Man asked.
"I don't know, Axe," I said. "Here, have a swig of Olde Rot Gut and get back onstage to do eliminations."
"Grace love Axe," Axe Man said, kissing my cheek. "Grace give Axe Olde Rot Gut."
"That's right, Axe," I said. "Now be a good boy and hop back on that stage and don't try to kill my customers, all right? It's bad for business."
Death Cheese wrapped up their song "Gratuitous Destruction" and Axe announced that it was time for eliminations.
"First Axe go to Xantha," Axe Man said. "Some people say that Xantha just want to make meal of Axe, but there something really hot about Xantha. You come get Axe."
I swear, Xantha is to The Flavor of Axe what Lacey was to the Rock of Love. The evil, flesh-eating bitch who nobody knows why the show's star thinks the sun rises and sets from her ass. Well, all right, I don't actually have proof that Lacey eats human flesh, but she does go into Steak Through the Heart with Arsewipe quite often. And she's so evil that I certainly wouldn't put it past her. But with Axe, what will it take him to see that Xantha is only interested in his meat, and I don't mean that in the pornographic King Smut kind of way!
"Next axe go to Black Metal Tinkerbell. Tink cure Axe headache. She always there for Axe. Tink, you come get axe now."
"Next axe go to Flowering Kudzu. Kudzu one hot mama! You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Brandi. Brandi NTV favorite groupie and one of Axe favorite groupies too. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Veronica. You really good dancer. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Bootz. Booty dance always good but Bootz have bad temper. Shouldn't hit Brandi. Still, you come get axe."
"One axe left but two girls. This real confusing. Lammy, good ass! But artsy fartsy posing not hot. Still, at least you not slobbering all over dumb psychiatrist man. You come get axe. And now, Hortense, heads going to roll."
I hit Axe Man in the head with the bottle of Olde Rot Gut again.
"Sorry, Buddy, not in my pub they aren't," I said.
Axe forgot everything a minute later as he grabbed the bottle of Olde Rot Gut and chugged down the remaining contents in one swig.
"Axe have big treat for audience," he said. "Now we have Nikki Sixx here for birthday with his band Motley Crue and they gonna jam with Death Cheese till closing time. Axe have new song I just think of a minute ago. It called 'Cheating Bitch.' So let me start and rest of band join in. One, two...uh..."
"THREE!" I shouted.
Death Cheese did win the SPAMMY awards for Loudest Band and Least Talented Band as well as Craziest Stage Show and Best Partiers. I'll have to shut down for a week to renovate because my pub was half-destroyed, but the 6,666,666,666 Quatloos I pulled plus the 666,666 Quatloo payoff that King Smut gave me for allowing him to film his dirty movie in my pub more than covered the repairs and I was 6,666,666 Quatloos ahead. Some people may put them down as talentless hacks, but I really love Death Cheese. Out of all the bands I feature they're definitely the biggest draw.
Ugly Grace
Axe Man told his ladies that he was going to give an award of a special one-on-one date to the winner of his own Sexiest Groupie competition. Most of the NTT judges were ready to ogle the bimbos...I mean, gals. And the gals were ready to strut their stuff. All but Hortense. And she asked if she could borrow my phone.
"Gracie, I need to make a real important phone call," she said, and she had a very concerned look on her face. If she weren't a zombie, I'd think the call was to Dr. Schitz due to her being pregnant by Axe Man. Of course it's been speculated that Lammy would know all about that. Then again, Axe Man is himself the offspring of a zombie and a satanically immortalized stumble-bum executioner. So who knows? Maybe Hortense does have a little half-undead bun in the oven. I wanted to listen in but I was curious about how Flowering Kudzu would make a fool of herself. So I half listened and half watched Kudzu's surprisingly family-oriented rump-shaking act with a song she just wrote and a video that was produced by King Smut.
Is it scary that King Smut was able to make a family oriented video? I kind of think so!
Overall, I was actually pretty impressed. I think Axe Man won't mind Kudzu including her kids in the video but I'm not sure how he's going to feel about all the kids' fathers except for him being in there! Not to be outclassed by Kudzu, Lammy performed a series of artistic nude poses to a song called "Tears For The Sheep" by a rap group called Atmosphere while Pablo Picante sketched her.
Lammy was cool in this picture--literally.
Interesting...I'm not sure how keen Axe Man was on it though. He was pretty interested in Lammy being naked at first but when she didn't strut around like a tramp, he lifted his butt cheek and ripped loose with a big fart before ordering a double shot of Wild Turkey.
The next act featured the three zombie girls performing to the cliche zombie favorite, Thriller.
Hortense, Veronica and Xantha strut their stuff to Michael Jackson's Thriller. Ya know, Jacko looked pretty creepy even back in the day, but not as creepy as he does now. Who's with me that he's an Undead?
I have to admit, I was pretty impressed. Axe Man didn't seem to be. He ordered a bowl of the house special triple bean chili and a liter of beer. I told my bartenders to get the sextuple strength exhaust fans ready for the 666 megaton farts that were bound to be the result.
I told the ladies what a great job they did. Veronica told me that she and her sister Veruca had been two of the original dancers in the video. Which was interesting the first time she told me. Not so interesting the third and downright annoying the tenth. Xantha said she was hungry. I told her that Soggy probably would give her some Spam. She just made a face.
"Spam wimp food! Need human flesh!" she said.
Hortense kept looking out the window. Had she possibly been calling Steak Thru The Heart to deliver? And if so, what the hell did she order to have been on the phone so long? And why was it taking them so long to deliver when they're just across the street? I swear that place sucks!
While I was fuming over the existence of Steak Through the Heart and contemplating on sticking pins into a voodoo doll of Rotten Ralph (he really is a dog!) Bootz did what Bootz does.
And now for something completely the same. Bootz does her booty dance...again...for the millionth time.
What else but the Bootz booty dance? Yawn. Axe seemed to like it though. He took her up to that apartment above my pub that Lammy rents sometimes and had her do it for him in private.
Brandi wasn't going to let the private moment between Axe and Bootz stay private, however. So she went up to the apartment and distracted Axe with this little bit of talentless butt-wiggling.
Brandi does her own tired booty dance. Double yawn!
Which resulted in a cat fight and Axe hurling from having eaten too much chili and drunk too much Wild Turkey.
While I did what any good pub owner would do for a member of her biggest crowd-drawing act and helped Axe Man clean himself up after his moment of puking, it became apparent that Bootz and Brandi weren't finished. They went back downstairs and were fighting onstage!
Bootz and Brandi duke it out to win Axe's affections
Bootz won, both at the booty dance and in the fight.
I know that Brittney thinks it would be better for Black Metal Tinkerbell if she was ousted from the contest, but it would sure be great for Death Cheese if she was the one Axe chose. That fairy dust of hers is like magic Alka Seltzer! Axe was back to his old self in no time!
Dusty Doggy dug up this video of Black Metal Tinkerbell practicing her act for the Tiny Tim House fundraiser
Oh dear--I think that Tink is going to lose all her credibility when Brittney sees this video of her practicing her Xmahannuramakwanzyule dance that just surfaced.
Tink and I took Axe back to the pub to get ready for the contest. The lame-o best groupie judges chose Brandi as their favorite. That may be because it was Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx' birthday and as a present Axe invited him to be on the show, and Nikki tends to like the busty blonde type. I wonder who Axe will choose as his favorite?
Everything was going crazy! Soggy and the Spawns were serving up all sorts of Spam concoctions. The floor was slick with slime. The stage was slick with slime. Only Ectoplasm Attack and Death Cheese were able to maintain their footing because The Spooky Guy long ago figured out how to combat the Soggy slime trails--wear suction cups on your shoes!
Buzzoff was so star-struck he could hardly speak when he invited fellow bassist Nikki Sixx onstage to jam with Death Cheese and Nikki accepted. Fortunately, because he was wearing earplugs, Nikki didn't really notice how badly Death Cheese managed to mutilate Motley Crue's song, Too Young To Fall In Love. He just got into his own zone and did his thing.
The other members of Motley Crue show up in time to rescue their song from complete obliteration
Fortunately for Nikki, the other members of his band showed up fashionably late for his birthday party and jumped onstage to join in. The people from Fu King Chinese Restaurant came over and things got pretty crazy.
The NTT gave me an award for being the Most Rockin' Dive Bar in the Netherworld. I was so proud! Brandi won the Hottest Female Groupie award (whoo--big fat surprise!) Murry Magdalene won the Hottest He-She Groupie Award (Again, gee, what a shock!) and Quetzal-Pretzel, the Aztec stud from the Happy Wiener and Evil Ed's House of Hotties won the Hottest Male Groupie award.
Quetzal-Pretzel struts his fully-clothed stuff. Usually he takes it off to such tunes as "I'm Too Sexy."
That Quetzal-Pretzel is sure a hunk! Unfortunately watching guys like that sometimes makes me clumsy and I dropped the tray of drink glasses I was carrying to the bar. When I bent down to pick up the mess, I happened to glance under the table. And now I knew for sure that no-one but Brandi possibly could have won the Hottest Female Groupie award. She was under the table giving the judges the payoff.
Brandi makes the judges' day
"Oh for...STOP THAT!!!" I shouted. "This isn't a sex club, it's a NIGHTCLUB! Maybe you need to get your ears examined! Or rent a brain! Or something! But at least take that schlong out of your mouth and put your damn clothes on!"
"Don't even think about it!" a regal voice boomed. And King Smut stepped through the door, accompanied by Dr. Fraud's assistant Dr. Asmoday.
King Smut asks one of the cooks from Fu King's place if she's legal to appear in his upcoming production "Fortune Cookies and Cream of Sum Yung Gy."
"Dr. Asmoday!" Hortense shrieked, running over to hug the surprised shrink. "Oh, I'm so glad y'all came! I didn't know if y'all were gonna and I was miserable as a flea on a dead dog. I called y'all over an hour ago. Things shore is crazy in this here place. I bet y'all could drum up a lot of business iffen y'all jest stick around a few minutes."
"I was in session with King Smut," Dr. Asmoday said. "When our session was over I checked my messages and we came right over. You're right, it really is nuts in here. What's going on?"
"Oh, some award cery-mony fer one of them thar music shows," Hortense said, and I couldn't help but notice how she was looking at Dr. Asmoday as if he was the only man in the room, or maybe the entire Universe. "I guess it's a SPAMMY award and that's howcome Soggy made all that thar Spam. Now Spam's purty dang good, but iffen y'all don't like Spam I bet we can find y'all somethin' else in the kitchen. Oh, Dr. Asmoday, I ain't bin able to stop thinkin' 'bout y'all, ever since I seen ya fer that there psychy-logical assessin' thingy we done on the last show. I wanted to call y'all afore, but I lost my nerve. I bin drawin' a bunch of them thar pictures fer y'all to look at. That shore was fun! Would y'all like to see 'em later?"
"Sure, Hortense," Dr. Asmoday said. "But I have to tell you that I can't be your therapist."
"Why the heck not?" Hortense demanded, looking dejected. "I thought you an' me clicked jest like a key in a padlock!"
"Well, that's why I can't be your therapist, Hortense. It's because of my personal feelings for you. I never thought I'd feel like this for an Undead, but you're a very special Undead. I wanted to bring you some flowers, but I knew there wouldn't be any place to put them. So I had them sent to your cousin's farm for you."
"Oh, Dr. Asmoday, y'all are the best!" Hortense squealed, throwing her arms around the shrink. Normally I would have thought it was a very touching scene. But I was pretty put out. After all, there was now a porno movie being filmed in my pub.
"Dr. Asmoday, I think I need to make an appointment," I said. "What's going on here today is really scarring my psyche."
With that I grabbed a bottle of Olde Rot Gut off the bar and took a big swig. Death Cheese kept playing as Axe Man leaped into the audience, swinging his axe. I swear he's an oblivious cuss! He didn't even seem to notice Brandi performing for King Smut's cameras right in front of everybody. But he did notice Hortense cuddling up to Dr. Asmoday. He charged towards the hapless shrink, swinging his axe. I popped him on the head with the bottle of Olde Rot Gut.
"Axe, I think maybe you need to do eliminations now," I said.
"Whoa! What hit Axe?" Axe Man asked.
"I don't know, Axe," I said. "Here, have a swig of Olde Rot Gut and get back onstage to do eliminations."
"Grace love Axe," Axe Man said, kissing my cheek. "Grace give Axe Olde Rot Gut."
"That's right, Axe," I said. "Now be a good boy and hop back on that stage and don't try to kill my customers, all right? It's bad for business."
Death Cheese wrapped up their song "Gratuitous Destruction" and Axe announced that it was time for eliminations.
"First Axe go to Xantha," Axe Man said. "Some people say that Xantha just want to make meal of Axe, but there something really hot about Xantha. You come get Axe."
I swear, Xantha is to The Flavor of Axe what Lacey was to the Rock of Love. The evil, flesh-eating bitch who nobody knows why the show's star thinks the sun rises and sets from her ass. Well, all right, I don't actually have proof that Lacey eats human flesh, but she does go into Steak Through the Heart with Arsewipe quite often. And she's so evil that I certainly wouldn't put it past her. But with Axe, what will it take him to see that Xantha is only interested in his meat, and I don't mean that in the pornographic King Smut kind of way!
"Next axe go to Black Metal Tinkerbell. Tink cure Axe headache. She always there for Axe. Tink, you come get axe now."
"Next axe go to Flowering Kudzu. Kudzu one hot mama! You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Brandi. Brandi NTV favorite groupie and one of Axe favorite groupies too. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Veronica. You really good dancer. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Bootz. Booty dance always good but Bootz have bad temper. Shouldn't hit Brandi. Still, you come get axe."
"One axe left but two girls. This real confusing. Lammy, good ass! But artsy fartsy posing not hot. Still, at least you not slobbering all over dumb psychiatrist man. You come get axe. And now, Hortense, heads going to roll."
I hit Axe Man in the head with the bottle of Olde Rot Gut again.
"Sorry, Buddy, not in my pub they aren't," I said.
Axe forgot everything a minute later as he grabbed the bottle of Olde Rot Gut and chugged down the remaining contents in one swig.
"Axe have big treat for audience," he said. "Now we have Nikki Sixx here for birthday with his band Motley Crue and they gonna jam with Death Cheese till closing time. Axe have new song I just think of a minute ago. It called 'Cheating Bitch.' So let me start and rest of band join in. One, two...uh..."
"THREE!" I shouted.
Death Cheese did win the SPAMMY awards for Loudest Band and Least Talented Band as well as Craziest Stage Show and Best Partiers. I'll have to shut down for a week to renovate because my pub was half-destroyed, but the 6,666,666,666 Quatloos I pulled plus the 666,666 Quatloo payoff that King Smut gave me for allowing him to film his dirty movie in my pub more than covered the repairs and I was 6,666,666 Quatloos ahead. Some people may put them down as talentless hacks, but I really love Death Cheese. Out of all the bands I feature they're definitely the biggest draw.
Ugly Grace
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
The Flavor of Axe 12: Shrunk Skanks
Jimi the Birthday Boy and Axe jam together last June. Lammy, before her head was turned into a sheep's head, is wearing some sort of Freaky Flyers costume. Photo bogarted from the Asinine News Archive.
The Flavor of Axe 12: Shrunk Skanks and Jimi Hendrix' Birthday
by Vinny Barbarino
Hey youse wise guys! It's your old pal Vinnie Barbarino here. I begged for my chance to be on the Flavor of Axe with all da hot babes and finally Mickey Ratt got sick of me whinin' and I got the assignment! Yowza!
Yesterday was Jimi Hendrix' birthday, so it was time to par-tay! Jimi was born on November 27 1942. He came to the Netherwoild on September 18, 1970. Speakin' chronomologically, Jimi is 65. His bandmate Noel Redding sez that Jimi is immortal.
Yesterday was Jimi Hendrix' birthday, so it was time to par-tay! Jimi was born on November 27 1942. He came to the Netherwoild on September 18, 1970. Speakin' chronomologically, Jimi is 65. His bandmate Noel Redding sez that Jimi is immortal.
Jimi is a real paizan. He said for his boithday, he'd like nothin' better than to play a concert for Axe with his band The Ghastly Crue. Jimi said that's 'cause "every day is celebrate Axe day." I think maybe he just wanted to get out of hearin' Death Cheese play. But that's just me.
New York and her outsized implants give Axe Man advice
While Jimi and the boys was decidin' what tunes they was gonna play, Axe got a call from a fellow reality show star, Ms. New York. New York told Axe that what he needed to do to weed out the ladies that just ain't compatible with him is to bring in a shrink, see? Axe told New York that Black Metal Tinkerbell was already shrinked down small but he could see if Professor Snewgflo might be able to bring in a shrink ray for da rest of 'em.
"No, you idiot," said New York. "I mean you should bring in a psychologist. Like Dr. Fraud. Have them take the ink blot test and stuff. See where their heads are at compared to your head."
"Axe like idea, but think Dr. Fraud is plumber," said Axe Man. "But if you say, I call him. You real smart lady!"
"Yes, I know," said New York. "That's why I get all this publicity for being a big ham. Kiss kiss!"
And wit dat, she hanged up da phone.
"Axe like New York!" Axe said. "New York have big brain and big fake boobs!"
The Cheesemeister called Dr. Fraud's office to set up an appointment. Dr. Fraud, she was told, was out, but his new partner Dr. Devlin, a certified sexologist, and Dr. Devlin's assistants Asmoday, Osmoday and Anna May would arrive shortly.
Does Jimi Hendrix have the Devil Mama's motor running?
While waiting, the Devil Mama chatted with Jimi Hendrix, asking him what sort of food he'd like for his birthday. She asked him where he was born.
"In Washington," he said. "But I lived in the South for a long time. I really go for Southern food."
"Me too," said the Devil Mama. "It's my favorite kind! Come on and help me choose what we'll make for you."
"That's really nice of you, Devil Mama," said Jimi. "Axe Man should pick you. You're really nice, you're a good cook, you're attractive, and you sure smell a lot better than those zombie chicks! What is that perfume you're wearing?"
"Brimstone," said the Devil Mama, batting her eyelashes. "I'm so glad you like it!"
Maybe Axe ain't da jealous type, but if I seen any woman of mine floitin' with a guy da way the Devil Mama was flirtin' with Jimi, I'd be thinkin' about givin' her da axe, and I don't mean kickin' her out of da house!
Hortense goes for the Undead Prom Queen Look. Unfortunately, that nasty cold sore isn't doing her any favors. A gal named "Beautuful" got eliminated from the second season of the Flavor of Love for having a cold sore and hers wasn't even visible on camera. Could this hum-dinger spell the end of the line for Hortense?
"Axe like all kinds of food," Axe said. "But Axe from Norway. Sweden in south."
"Is it? Heck, y'all learn somethin' new every dang day, don't ya?" said Hortense. "Listenin' to that there Spooky feller talk, ya never would guess! He sounds like he's from France or one of them thar places like that over thar in Asia!"
Now I ain't claimin' I'm no Rogue scholar or nothin' but Hortense sure don't know shit from shynola about geometry! All youse gots to do is listen to the Spooky Guy talk for two seconds and youse know right away he ain't from no France. I know fer a fact that he's the Irish Potato Phantom! I even wrote a paper in high school all about how the Potato Phantom stole all the potatoes from the Irish people back in 1802 or something and that's how come he ended up being the Devil's latreen cleaner. Hortense is a nice gal for a zombie, but she shure is awful dumb!
Hortense went off to the kitchen to help the Devil Mama cook. There was a knock at the door.
Dr. Devlin's assistant Anna May pauses as she contemplates the Netherworld Hotel's brass door knocker
"That must be the shrink," The Cheesemeister said. Billy the Concierge pedaled off to answer the door, but visiting butler John Butler answered first.
"Dr. Devlin and his assistants," Butler announced.
"That's my job, Asshole!" Billy complained, driving his tricycle into Butler's shin.
"One of these days, you little bastard, to the fireplace!" Butler declared.
"You can't! I'm protected by Pinocchio's law! So there! Nyah!" said Billy, thumbing his nose and pedaling away.
"Greetings," said Dr. Devlin. "I am Dr. Nick Devlin, and these are my assistants, Asmoday, Osmoday and Anna May. Asmoday sketches pictures and helps me interpret the ink blot tests and pictures my patients sketch. Osmoday observes and interprets personal interactions. And Anna May does my appointment book. I can already see that this house needs a lot of help. But that would be Dr. Fraud's territory. I am a sexologist. Can you take me to the sexy people?"
"Why don't you use the Master Suite, Doctor?" suggested Billy. "It's big and it has two big beds. You get set up and I'll call King Smut. He may want to film this."
"Fine," said Dr. Devlin. "Now, here's how it works. First I'll interview everybody one on one. We'll do a little role playing. Osmoday will observe. Then each client will work with Asmoday on picture interpretation. Lastly, I'll talk to each lady along with Axe Man together. So, who's my first patient?"
Dr. Devlin role-plays with Brandi while Osmoday expresses his interpretation of the situation. Asmoday, meanwhile, is doing a drawing interpretation with Flesh Eating Xantha, who is kneeling beside him.
"Just relax, Brandi," said Dr. Devlin. "I'm here to assess how you'd react in a given situation. Just pretend that I'm Axe Man. What would you do if Axe Man came up behind you and grabbed your fine booty?" And with that, the Doctor proceeded to do just that.
"Hell yeah, that's the stuff!" shouted King Smut as he arrived with his omnipresent camera, his old chum and favorite star Sexy Sadie, and his new assistant Chuck Ruttheimer. "We're rolling, Doc! Keep it coming!"
"That's the general idea, Smutty," said Dr. Devlin.
"What kind of doctor did he say he was?" The Cheesemeister asked.
"Oh, he's not really a doctor," said Osmoday. "He just calls himself that. He's actually a dancer from the Happy Wiener. He just does this doctor schtick to make extra money. Chicks dig the whole therapist thing. My brother Asmoday is the actual doctor. But Devlin has a more interesting image."
"I see. And what do you do, exactly?"
"How about we go to one of these nearby suites and I'll show you?"
"No way, pervert! Stay away from me or you'll be wearing your 'nads for earrings. You're lucky I don't open a can of Whoop Ass on you!"
"Damn! I never get any!" Osmoday griped vehemently. "Hey, Devlin, how 'bout cutting me in on this piece?"
"When I'm done, Osmoday," Devlin said. "It's almost time for my close-up."
"Oh, Dr. Devlin," Brandi said enthusiastically. "You're so manly!"
"Call me Axe Man, my dear," said Devlin. "We're role playing, remember?"
Asmoday and Xantha seemed oblivious to the blantant sex scene unfolding before them.
"All right, Xantha, tell me what you see in this picture of the smiling man," said Asmoday.
"Him too skinny!" said Xantha. "Xantha like man with meat on bones!"
"Ah. A man like Axe Man perhaps?"
"Axe Man big and beefy! Xantha like! Yummy!"
"All right, Xantha, I have here a paper with some shapes on it. Why don't you draw me some pictures showing me what the shapes make you think of?"
"Xantha like to color while waiting for foods at Steak Through Heart!" said Xantha.
"Steak Through the Heart--yes, one of my patients, Jeff, recommended it," Asmoday mused. "Well, you color away, my dear. Anna May, would you be so kind as to send in the next patient?"
Flowering Kudzu was next. She looked over at Devlin and Brandi on the bed and her eyes went wide.
"They practicing making babies?" she asked.
"They're role playing, Dear," said Asmoday.
"Is she s'posed to be doing that with him? She's on the Axe Man show, so I think she's only s'posed to be doing that with Axe," said Kudzu.
"It's all right, Honey, I'm a doctor," groaned Devlin.
"Well, shee-it! I'm glad Dr. Schitz never tried that on me when I go in for my exams!" said Kudzu.
"How does this look, Osmoday?" Devlin shouted.
"Like you're boning the so-called patient, Sir," Osmoday answered. "And not giving me any, as usual. Come on, Smutty, couldn't you cut me in for a scene?"
"Oh all right," said King Smut. "Why don't you come over here and yank your crank? The voyeur crowd will like that."
"I'll take him on, Smutty," said Sexy Sadie. "You know I'm not picky."
"You're a real trooper, Sadie," said King Smut. "Well, what are you waiting for, Ruttheimer? Grab the other camera and the wide angle lens and get filming!"
"Holy dang!" said Hortense when she came into the suite, her hands covered with flour and several new cuts on her body. "Is that thar part of the therapy?"
"Only if you want it to be, Dear," said Asmoday. He turned to Flesh-Eating Xantha, who was done with her drawings.
"My, that's very...bloody, Xantha," he said.
"You like?" asked Xantha.
"It gives me great insight into your personality and motivation. Thank you."
"Xantha hungry now."
"Well, we're all done here. Why don't you go get yourself something out of the meat locker for a snack? That's a good girl! Now Kudzu, what do you see when you look at this ink blot?"
"That's Dr. Schitz. He's getting ready to deliver my 22nd or 23rd baby. It might just be Axe Man's. But maybe not. I'm really not sure."
"That's...very revealing, Kudzu," said Asmoday. "Now, why don't you draw some nice pictures of your own using these shapes? Hello there Hortense. How are you today?"
"I'm jest fine, Doc. 'Cept all that there groanin' an' gruntin' sounds like a cow gittin' ready to give birth!"
"That's really a very apt description, Hortense. And what do you see in this ink blot?"
"Well, with all that thar gruntin' and groanin', I can't see nothin' but a cow givin' birth!"
Black Metal Tinkerbell isn't playing around when it comes to winning Axe Man's affections
"Right. Well, here are some shapes for you to make pictures with. Ah, I see we have Black Metal Tinkerbell next. How are you today, dear?"
"I'll be fine as soon as I shut these idiots up. It sounds like a bunch of pigs fucking!" And with that, Tink dropped a load of pixie dust on the boinging crew.
"Wow, talk about a bed-busting finish," said King Smut. "How much dust did you drop on them, Tink?"
"About 666 pounds. They'll be digging for a while to get out. So what are we doing here?"
"Tinkerbell, I have an ink blot here that looks like something. What does it look like to you?"
"That's Pan. He's getting his ass kicked by Axe Man. And then Captain Hook is feeding him to a crocodile."
"I detect a bit of hostility towards Peter Pan. Care to elaborate?"
"Bastard dumped me for goody goody Wendy," said Tink. "They both need a beat down."
"Tink, I only have one concern. You seem like you're still pretty bitter about the break-up. Do you think this will interfere with your ability to be in a relationship with Axe Man?"
"No way! Axe has a big old tool. And a big axe too. And he shreds on guitar! Axe is the MAN!"
"Excellent--that sounds very positive. Here, these are some shapes I give my clients to make drawings. Just have fun--draw whatever comes to mind."
Lammy was next.
"I heard there was an orgy going on up here," she said.
"Well, there was. But Black Metal Tinkerbell thought it was too loud so she dropped a bunch of pixie dust on the participants."
"Bummer. I would have enjoyed a good orgy."
"Lammy, I have a picture here. What do you see in this ink blot?"
"Its that bitch Enditall who turned my head into a sheep's head. I'd like to light her broom on fire!"
"Do you think that Axe has issues with you having a sheep's head?"
"Hell no! Axe will stick it into anything with a pussy."
"Compatibility is good," Asmoday said. "Lammy, I'd like you to draw some pictures using these shapes. Whatever comes to mind."
The Devil Mama was next. Asmoday showed her an ink blot. She got a dreamy look in her eyes and smiled.
"That's Jimi Hendrix enjoying a plate of the food that Hortense and I are preparing for his birthday," she said.
"What about Axe Man?" Asmoday asked.
"Who? Oh yes, Axe Man. Well, I'm sure he's enjoying it too. But there isn't room for him in this picture. Only for Jimi. He's such a sweet man. And so talented! And smart? Oh, is he ever!"
"I see," Asmoday said. "Here, Devil Mama. I've got some shapes here that I'd like you to make pictures from.
"Can I play too?" asked Chuck Ruttheimer. "After all, Sadie and that pissed off guy are still buried under the pixie dust so there's nothing for me to film right now."
"Um...sure," said Asmoday. "What do you see in the ink blot, Charles?"
"That's Sadie giving me a blow job. She sure knows how to gobble a sausage!"
"Uh...yes. Way more information than I needed. Here, why don't you make some pictures?"
"That ink blot looks like boobs," said King Smut. "Maybe Brandi's boobs because that's the last pair I was filming."
"Seriously, I'm not surprised," said Asmoday.
"Well, give me some of them shapes, Partner," said King Smut. "I'm thinking of some great pictures I can draw! I'm really not much of an artist, but my head is soooo full of ideas!"
"I can only imagine," said Asmoday.
Veronica, wearing an outfit she borrowed from her new best bud, Officer Sexxi
Veronica Zombie was next. She looked at the dust on the beds, from which Chuck, Sadie, Devlin and Brandi were now emerging.
"I thought this was suite," she said. "I guess it tomb. Nice to know this zombie friendly hotel!"
"Veronica, the nice doctor has something for you to look at," said King Smut. "And then I'm getting an idea. Hot zombie girl on girl sex!"
"Save it for later, Smutty. Right now I have a job to do. Veronica, I have an ink blot here," said Asmoday. "Can you tell me what it looks like?"
"Brains!"
"All right. I take it that intelligence is important to you."
"All brains taste same!"
"Um...yes. Veronica, I notice you're wearing a police officer's outfit."
"Yeah! My friend Officer Sexxi let me wear."
"Wasn't Officer Sexxi a contestant on this show?"
"Yeah. She get sent home. Bummer!"
"But she's not angry with you?"
"No! Officer Sexxi like Veronica! Help Veronica take police test. Us friends!"
"Well, that's very nice, Veronica. Now, I have a paper with some shapes on it. Why don't you draw me some nice pictures using the shapes? And as I understand we have one more lady before we bring in Axe Man?"
A classier than usual Bootz catches Upchuck's attention
Bootz was next. Chuck's jaw dropped.
"Hey King, I know what I'd like to do with her!" he said.
"You and everyone else, little boy," said Bootz. "I'm saving myself for real quality--like Axe Man."
"Bootz, I have a picture I'd like you to look at," said Asmoday. "Can you tell me what you see here?"
"Yeah. It's a bag of Quatloos. With my name on it."
"Well, money is important to a lot of people. Can you think of anything more important than money?"
"No, but having guys make idiots of themselves over me is a close second."
"Does Axe Man do this?"
"Oh, all the time!"
"I think that Axe Man is just an idiot all the time," remarked Brittney, who was passing the room. "Is that pixie dust I see? Good work, Black Metal Tinkerbell! I'd think you were pretty cool, except for the Axe Man lust."
Bootz was cringing in the corner. Asmoday handed her the paper with shapes and told her to draw pictures. He asked Brittney if she'd call Axe Man in.
"Hey Bonehead, the skinny guy with the ink blot pictures wants to see if you have a brain anywhere in your thick skull," Brittney shouted. Axe Man came into the room.
"Brittney like Axe," he said. "Brittney insult Axe."
"Right Axe, you just go on thinking that," said Asmoday. "Now, in order to determine who is most compatible with you, I need to assess you too. Tell me, what do you see in this ink blot?"
"Axe see Axe on stage playing guitar. Audience cheering. Axe! Axe! And then Axe see self with axe chopping down trees."
"And skipping and jumping and going to the lavatory," said Brittney as she passed the room going the other way.
"That Brittney some joker," said Axe.
"Well, you're certainly very confident, Axe. Some might say narcissistic. Here, why don't you draw me some pictures using these shapes? Oh, Brandi, I almost forgot about you. What do you see in this shape that I'm holding up?"
"Which one?" Brandi groaned. "No fair giving me two when everyone else only got one!"
"Right. Well, Brandi, why don't I get you a nice pill for that headache and then you can draw me some pictures using these shapes."
"Dr. Asmoday, I like y'all a lot," said Hortense. "I hope you an' yer buddies kin stay on fer the dinner we's makin' fer Jimi's birthday."
At the mention of Jimi Hendrix' name, the Devil Mama sighed and a dreamy look came to her face.
"Well sure, Hortense, I think that would be all right," said Asmoday.
"But jest one thing, Doc. Kin you make shore them friends of your'n don't go havin' sex at the table or nothin' like that? 'Cause it seems like their mamas didn't learn them very good manners iffen they's a-gonna go ruttin' around like that when there's folks a-tryin' to take a test to see iffen they's got a brain or not. 'Cause that's a purty important thing to know."
"Sure, Hortense, I don't think that'll be a problem," said Asmoday. "In fact it's my guess that they probably won't feel like having sex again for awhile."
"Well that's good, 'cause I mean, DAMN! That thar was jest wrong! Come on, Devil Mama, we don't want our biscuits an' beans to burn."
"See you later, Dr. Asmoday," said the Devil Mama. "I have to get back to my Jimi...I mean, my cooking now."
"Devil Mama sure friendly with Jimi," said Axe Man. "That nice. Seeing as he not so handsome as me, it good she try to make him feel better. Then again, who so handsome as Axe Man?"
"There's certainly nobody quite like you, Axe," said Asmoday. "If you're done with your drawings, I'll take them. Now, I'll just take some time to interpret these and I'll give you the results tonight after the concert. I understand that Jimi and his band are going to play for you."
"Yes--even though it Jimi Birthday, he say thing he want most in world is to play for Axe. You know, Jimi very talented on guitar. Him have potential. Axe think, for birthday, I give Jimi guitar lesson!"
"Uh...I'm sure he'll love that, Axe," said Asmoday. "After all, how could he resist?"
"Nobody resist Axe," said Axe Man.
Well, I gots to tell youse, it was one hell of a concert! That Ghastly Crue sure has some talented undeads. Jimi was sure in a good mood. I think the fact that Cuzzin Hildy-Bob brought over some of her famous 'shine to celebrate relaxed him pretty good. He even agreed to pose fer next month's RBUMM centerfold. He asked if the Devil Mama could pose with him. They're sure gettin' cozy-cozy. If I was the suspicious type I'd think somethin' wuz rotten in Denmark! I mean besides the Lutefiskies.
After the show, Dr. Asmoday got onstage and gave the results of that picture drawin' contest he was havin' everybody do.
"All right, Axe Man, here are your results," he said. "You're extremely confident. Some might say narcissistic. You put not a great deal of stock in intelligence and much in brute force. You could be called creative, depending on one's interpretation of the word. You would want someone who would worship your every move and be at your beck and call."
"And flash boobs at concert," said Axe Man.
"Right. You heard it from the man himself, Ladies. And now here are my assessments of your potential partners."
"Flowering Kudzu is very fertile. Most of the pictures she drew involved giving birth. Since you may be the father of the child she's currently carrying, she would be a logical choice for you."
"Hortense is good-natured and an excellent cook. I'd stay out of the kitchen when she's cooking as she tends to be a bit clumsy with knives. Her pictures seem to be about life on a farm, which reflects her roots. As I understand, you came from a rural area yourself, so the two of you might be compatible on this point."
"The Devil Mama is very into Jimi Hendrix. All of her pictures were of Jimi."
"That all right," said Axe Man. "Jimi rocks. But Death Cheese better."
"Right. Next we have Bootz. Bootz seems to like showing off her body parts. In fact all of her pictures were of herself showing off her body parts. She seems to be your equal in narcissism and the fact that she likes to flash her boobs should work well for you."
"Next we have Flesh Eating Xantha. I must admit, I find Xantha's motivation very disturbing. She drew pictures of herself eating different parts of your body."
"Who can blame?" said Axe. "Axe very tasty!"
"Axe, I don't think you understand. I mean EATING various parts of your body. With a knife and fork."
"Right. And now we have Lammy. Lammy drew lots of pictures of booze and one of her shooting Enditall out of the sky with an anti-aircraft gun."
"Axe like booze. This good."
Brandi's rendering of herself with a headache
"Next we have Brandi. What can I say? Black Metal Tinkerbell dropped a pile of pixie dust on Brandi. Brandi drew herself with a headache. Black Metal Tinkerbell, however, really seems to like you, Axe. She drew a pictures of you onstage, you and her backstage, you and her standing at an altar either getting married or sacrificing something, you and her standing outside of a honeymoon suite, and then the honeymoon suite with a do not disturb sign on the door. It doesn't get much more obvious than that."
"Lastly we have Veronica Zombie. Veronica draws you and her on a date at Steak Through The Heart. She is eating a brain. I will assume it isn't yours. Well, Axe, I've done my job. Now it's up to you to decide who will stay and who will go. Good luck to all of you."
Axe now took the stage.
"First of all, Axe thank Dr. Asmoday. Axe not know what other clowns who come with him do, but Dr. Asmoday kick ass. Now Axe give axes."
"First axe go to Xantha. Xantha, you really into Axe. Draw kinky picture. You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Black Metal Tinkerbell. Tink really romantic! You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Kudzu. Axe get paternity test when baby born. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Bootz. Bootz, Axe depend on you to flash boobs when Death Cheese play. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Lammy. Lammy like to get drunk. Axe like to get drunk. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Veronica. Veronica just nice girl who want to take Axe to dinner. Axe like to go to dinner. Veronica come get axe."
"Next axe for Hortense. Hortense real good cook! You come get axe. And Devil Mama..."
"Axe, I can't accept it," said the Devil Mama. "I'm sorry, but I have feelings for someone else. But I hope you and I can always be friends."
"Uh...sure, Devil Mama," said Axe. "I guess this mean I not chop you up. Not cool to chop up friends. Can Axe give Devil Mama hug?"
"Sure, Honey," the Devil Mama said.
"But if you not want Axe, who Axe give axe to?"
"Give it to Brandi. She doesn't have one."
"Right. Brandi, here. You take axe."
"Hey Jimi," Axe Man said. "Axe have present for you. Death Cheese play for birthday, then Axe give you guitar lesson. You good, but you need lesson from the Master."
"Sure, Axe, that would be great," Jimi said. The Devil Mama slipped her hand into Jimi's and gave him a pair of earplugs.
As Death Cheese took the stage in the Netherworld Hotel's grand ballroom, Axe Man couldn't help but notice that Jimi and the Devil Mama seemed pretty cozy.
"Man, whoever Devil Mama say she have feelings for going to be pretty pissed off," said Axe Man to Buzzoff. "Devil Mama pretty fickle. Because she all over Jimi!"
"Guess that's just the way it goes, Man," said Buzzoff. And before Axe Man had time to think, he launched into Death Cheese's new tune, "Putrefied Flesh On The Rack." Unfortunately, the WWF Wannabes were playing "Ugly and Evil" while Axe Man and Wolfie thought the first song would be "Charred Remains." The Lutefiskies were off in their own world playing "Netherworld Blues" and Buzzin gulped down a bucket of shine and was definitely buzzin'. That Death Cheese sure knows how to party. And I'll tell youse what--it's a good thing Axe Man gots a real short attention span, or he might just of thought to open a can of Whoop Ass on Jimi Hendrix for stealin' the Devil Mama's heart!
Vinnie Barbarino
Credits: Coop
Xantha has been known to bite the hand that feeds--and eat it.
Asmoday and Xantha seemed oblivious to the blantant sex scene unfolding before them.
"All right, Xantha, tell me what you see in this picture of the smiling man," said Asmoday.
"Him too skinny!" said Xantha. "Xantha like man with meat on bones!"
"Ah. A man like Axe Man perhaps?"
"Axe Man big and beefy! Xantha like! Yummy!"
"All right, Xantha, I have here a paper with some shapes on it. Why don't you draw me some pictures showing me what the shapes make you think of?"
"Xantha like to color while waiting for foods at Steak Through Heart!" said Xantha.
"Steak Through the Heart--yes, one of my patients, Jeff, recommended it," Asmoday mused. "Well, you color away, my dear. Anna May, would you be so kind as to send in the next patient?"
Flowering Kudzu was next. She looked over at Devlin and Brandi on the bed and her eyes went wide.
"They practicing making babies?" she asked.
"They're role playing, Dear," said Asmoday.
"Is she s'posed to be doing that with him? She's on the Axe Man show, so I think she's only s'posed to be doing that with Axe," said Kudzu.
"It's all right, Honey, I'm a doctor," groaned Devlin.
"Well, shee-it! I'm glad Dr. Schitz never tried that on me when I go in for my exams!" said Kudzu.
"How does this look, Osmoday?" Devlin shouted.
"Like you're boning the so-called patient, Sir," Osmoday answered. "And not giving me any, as usual. Come on, Smutty, couldn't you cut me in for a scene?"
"Oh all right," said King Smut. "Why don't you come over here and yank your crank? The voyeur crowd will like that."
"I'll take him on, Smutty," said Sexy Sadie. "You know I'm not picky."
"You're a real trooper, Sadie," said King Smut. "Well, what are you waiting for, Ruttheimer? Grab the other camera and the wide angle lens and get filming!"
"Holy dang!" said Hortense when she came into the suite, her hands covered with flour and several new cuts on her body. "Is that thar part of the therapy?"
"Only if you want it to be, Dear," said Asmoday. He turned to Flesh-Eating Xantha, who was done with her drawings.
"My, that's very...bloody, Xantha," he said.
"You like?" asked Xantha.
"It gives me great insight into your personality and motivation. Thank you."
"Xantha hungry now."
"Well, we're all done here. Why don't you go get yourself something out of the meat locker for a snack? That's a good girl! Now Kudzu, what do you see when you look at this ink blot?"
"That's Dr. Schitz. He's getting ready to deliver my 22nd or 23rd baby. It might just be Axe Man's. But maybe not. I'm really not sure."
"That's...very revealing, Kudzu," said Asmoday. "Now, why don't you draw some nice pictures of your own using these shapes? Hello there Hortense. How are you today?"
"I'm jest fine, Doc. 'Cept all that there groanin' an' gruntin' sounds like a cow gittin' ready to give birth!"
"That's really a very apt description, Hortense. And what do you see in this ink blot?"
"Well, with all that thar gruntin' and groanin', I can't see nothin' but a cow givin' birth!"
Black Metal Tinkerbell isn't playing around when it comes to winning Axe Man's affections
"Right. Well, here are some shapes for you to make pictures with. Ah, I see we have Black Metal Tinkerbell next. How are you today, dear?"
"I'll be fine as soon as I shut these idiots up. It sounds like a bunch of pigs fucking!" And with that, Tink dropped a load of pixie dust on the boinging crew.
"Wow, talk about a bed-busting finish," said King Smut. "How much dust did you drop on them, Tink?"
"About 666 pounds. They'll be digging for a while to get out. So what are we doing here?"
"Tinkerbell, I have an ink blot here that looks like something. What does it look like to you?"
"That's Pan. He's getting his ass kicked by Axe Man. And then Captain Hook is feeding him to a crocodile."
"I detect a bit of hostility towards Peter Pan. Care to elaborate?"
"Bastard dumped me for goody goody Wendy," said Tink. "They both need a beat down."
"Tink, I only have one concern. You seem like you're still pretty bitter about the break-up. Do you think this will interfere with your ability to be in a relationship with Axe Man?"
"No way! Axe has a big old tool. And a big axe too. And he shreds on guitar! Axe is the MAN!"
"Excellent--that sounds very positive. Here, these are some shapes I give my clients to make drawings. Just have fun--draw whatever comes to mind."
Lammy was next.
"I heard there was an orgy going on up here," she said.
"Well, there was. But Black Metal Tinkerbell thought it was too loud so she dropped a bunch of pixie dust on the participants."
"Bummer. I would have enjoyed a good orgy."
"Lammy, I have a picture here. What do you see in this ink blot?"
"Its that bitch Enditall who turned my head into a sheep's head. I'd like to light her broom on fire!"
"Do you think that Axe has issues with you having a sheep's head?"
"Hell no! Axe will stick it into anything with a pussy."
"Compatibility is good," Asmoday said. "Lammy, I'd like you to draw some pictures using these shapes. Whatever comes to mind."
The Devil Mama was next. Asmoday showed her an ink blot. She got a dreamy look in her eyes and smiled.
"That's Jimi Hendrix enjoying a plate of the food that Hortense and I are preparing for his birthday," she said.
"What about Axe Man?" Asmoday asked.
"Who? Oh yes, Axe Man. Well, I'm sure he's enjoying it too. But there isn't room for him in this picture. Only for Jimi. He's such a sweet man. And so talented! And smart? Oh, is he ever!"
"I see," Asmoday said. "Here, Devil Mama. I've got some shapes here that I'd like you to make pictures from.
"Can I play too?" asked Chuck Ruttheimer. "After all, Sadie and that pissed off guy are still buried under the pixie dust so there's nothing for me to film right now."
"Um...sure," said Asmoday. "What do you see in the ink blot, Charles?"
"That's Sadie giving me a blow job. She sure knows how to gobble a sausage!"
"Uh...yes. Way more information than I needed. Here, why don't you make some pictures?"
"That ink blot looks like boobs," said King Smut. "Maybe Brandi's boobs because that's the last pair I was filming."
"Seriously, I'm not surprised," said Asmoday.
"Well, give me some of them shapes, Partner," said King Smut. "I'm thinking of some great pictures I can draw! I'm really not much of an artist, but my head is soooo full of ideas!"
"I can only imagine," said Asmoday.
Veronica, wearing an outfit she borrowed from her new best bud, Officer Sexxi
Veronica Zombie was next. She looked at the dust on the beds, from which Chuck, Sadie, Devlin and Brandi were now emerging.
"I thought this was suite," she said. "I guess it tomb. Nice to know this zombie friendly hotel!"
"Veronica, the nice doctor has something for you to look at," said King Smut. "And then I'm getting an idea. Hot zombie girl on girl sex!"
"Save it for later, Smutty. Right now I have a job to do. Veronica, I have an ink blot here," said Asmoday. "Can you tell me what it looks like?"
"Brains!"
"All right. I take it that intelligence is important to you."
"All brains taste same!"
"Um...yes. Veronica, I notice you're wearing a police officer's outfit."
"Yeah! My friend Officer Sexxi let me wear."
"Wasn't Officer Sexxi a contestant on this show?"
"Yeah. She get sent home. Bummer!"
"But she's not angry with you?"
"No! Officer Sexxi like Veronica! Help Veronica take police test. Us friends!"
"Well, that's very nice, Veronica. Now, I have a paper with some shapes on it. Why don't you draw me some nice pictures using the shapes? And as I understand we have one more lady before we bring in Axe Man?"
A classier than usual Bootz catches Upchuck's attention
Bootz was next. Chuck's jaw dropped.
"Hey King, I know what I'd like to do with her!" he said.
"You and everyone else, little boy," said Bootz. "I'm saving myself for real quality--like Axe Man."
"Bootz, I have a picture I'd like you to look at," said Asmoday. "Can you tell me what you see here?"
"Yeah. It's a bag of Quatloos. With my name on it."
"Well, money is important to a lot of people. Can you think of anything more important than money?"
"No, but having guys make idiots of themselves over me is a close second."
"Does Axe Man do this?"
"Oh, all the time!"
"I think that Axe Man is just an idiot all the time," remarked Brittney, who was passing the room. "Is that pixie dust I see? Good work, Black Metal Tinkerbell! I'd think you were pretty cool, except for the Axe Man lust."
Bootz was cringing in the corner. Asmoday handed her the paper with shapes and told her to draw pictures. He asked Brittney if she'd call Axe Man in.
"Hey Bonehead, the skinny guy with the ink blot pictures wants to see if you have a brain anywhere in your thick skull," Brittney shouted. Axe Man came into the room.
"Brittney like Axe," he said. "Brittney insult Axe."
"Right Axe, you just go on thinking that," said Asmoday. "Now, in order to determine who is most compatible with you, I need to assess you too. Tell me, what do you see in this ink blot?"
"Axe see Axe on stage playing guitar. Audience cheering. Axe! Axe! And then Axe see self with axe chopping down trees."
"And skipping and jumping and going to the lavatory," said Brittney as she passed the room going the other way.
"That Brittney some joker," said Axe.
"Well, you're certainly very confident, Axe. Some might say narcissistic. Here, why don't you draw me some pictures using these shapes? Oh, Brandi, I almost forgot about you. What do you see in this shape that I'm holding up?"
"Which one?" Brandi groaned. "No fair giving me two when everyone else only got one!"
"Right. Well, Brandi, why don't I get you a nice pill for that headache and then you can draw me some pictures using these shapes."
"Dr. Asmoday, I like y'all a lot," said Hortense. "I hope you an' yer buddies kin stay on fer the dinner we's makin' fer Jimi's birthday."
At the mention of Jimi Hendrix' name, the Devil Mama sighed and a dreamy look came to her face.
"Well sure, Hortense, I think that would be all right," said Asmoday.
"But jest one thing, Doc. Kin you make shore them friends of your'n don't go havin' sex at the table or nothin' like that? 'Cause it seems like their mamas didn't learn them very good manners iffen they's a-gonna go ruttin' around like that when there's folks a-tryin' to take a test to see iffen they's got a brain or not. 'Cause that's a purty important thing to know."
"Sure, Hortense, I don't think that'll be a problem," said Asmoday. "In fact it's my guess that they probably won't feel like having sex again for awhile."
"Well that's good, 'cause I mean, DAMN! That thar was jest wrong! Come on, Devil Mama, we don't want our biscuits an' beans to burn."
"See you later, Dr. Asmoday," said the Devil Mama. "I have to get back to my Jimi...I mean, my cooking now."
"Devil Mama sure friendly with Jimi," said Axe Man. "That nice. Seeing as he not so handsome as me, it good she try to make him feel better. Then again, who so handsome as Axe Man?"
"There's certainly nobody quite like you, Axe," said Asmoday. "If you're done with your drawings, I'll take them. Now, I'll just take some time to interpret these and I'll give you the results tonight after the concert. I understand that Jimi and his band are going to play for you."
"Yes--even though it Jimi Birthday, he say thing he want most in world is to play for Axe. You know, Jimi very talented on guitar. Him have potential. Axe think, for birthday, I give Jimi guitar lesson!"
"Uh...I'm sure he'll love that, Axe," said Asmoday. "After all, how could he resist?"
"Nobody resist Axe," said Axe Man.
Well, I gots to tell youse, it was one hell of a concert! That Ghastly Crue sure has some talented undeads. Jimi was sure in a good mood. I think the fact that Cuzzin Hildy-Bob brought over some of her famous 'shine to celebrate relaxed him pretty good. He even agreed to pose fer next month's RBUMM centerfold. He asked if the Devil Mama could pose with him. They're sure gettin' cozy-cozy. If I was the suspicious type I'd think somethin' wuz rotten in Denmark! I mean besides the Lutefiskies.
After the show, Dr. Asmoday got onstage and gave the results of that picture drawin' contest he was havin' everybody do.
"All right, Axe Man, here are your results," he said. "You're extremely confident. Some might say narcissistic. You put not a great deal of stock in intelligence and much in brute force. You could be called creative, depending on one's interpretation of the word. You would want someone who would worship your every move and be at your beck and call."
"And flash boobs at concert," said Axe Man.
"Right. You heard it from the man himself, Ladies. And now here are my assessments of your potential partners."
"Flowering Kudzu is very fertile. Most of the pictures she drew involved giving birth. Since you may be the father of the child she's currently carrying, she would be a logical choice for you."
"Hortense is good-natured and an excellent cook. I'd stay out of the kitchen when she's cooking as she tends to be a bit clumsy with knives. Her pictures seem to be about life on a farm, which reflects her roots. As I understand, you came from a rural area yourself, so the two of you might be compatible on this point."
"The Devil Mama is very into Jimi Hendrix. All of her pictures were of Jimi."
"That all right," said Axe Man. "Jimi rocks. But Death Cheese better."
"Right. Next we have Bootz. Bootz seems to like showing off her body parts. In fact all of her pictures were of herself showing off her body parts. She seems to be your equal in narcissism and the fact that she likes to flash her boobs should work well for you."
"Next we have Flesh Eating Xantha. I must admit, I find Xantha's motivation very disturbing. She drew pictures of herself eating different parts of your body."
"Who can blame?" said Axe. "Axe very tasty!"
"Axe, I don't think you understand. I mean EATING various parts of your body. With a knife and fork."
"Right. And now we have Lammy. Lammy drew lots of pictures of booze and one of her shooting Enditall out of the sky with an anti-aircraft gun."
"Axe like booze. This good."
Brandi's rendering of herself with a headache
"Next we have Brandi. What can I say? Black Metal Tinkerbell dropped a pile of pixie dust on Brandi. Brandi drew herself with a headache. Black Metal Tinkerbell, however, really seems to like you, Axe. She drew a pictures of you onstage, you and her backstage, you and her standing at an altar either getting married or sacrificing something, you and her standing outside of a honeymoon suite, and then the honeymoon suite with a do not disturb sign on the door. It doesn't get much more obvious than that."
"Lastly we have Veronica Zombie. Veronica draws you and her on a date at Steak Through The Heart. She is eating a brain. I will assume it isn't yours. Well, Axe, I've done my job. Now it's up to you to decide who will stay and who will go. Good luck to all of you."
Axe now took the stage.
"First of all, Axe thank Dr. Asmoday. Axe not know what other clowns who come with him do, but Dr. Asmoday kick ass. Now Axe give axes."
"First axe go to Xantha. Xantha, you really into Axe. Draw kinky picture. You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Black Metal Tinkerbell. Tink really romantic! You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Kudzu. Axe get paternity test when baby born. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Bootz. Bootz, Axe depend on you to flash boobs when Death Cheese play. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Lammy. Lammy like to get drunk. Axe like to get drunk. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Veronica. Veronica just nice girl who want to take Axe to dinner. Axe like to go to dinner. Veronica come get axe."
"Next axe for Hortense. Hortense real good cook! You come get axe. And Devil Mama..."
"Axe, I can't accept it," said the Devil Mama. "I'm sorry, but I have feelings for someone else. But I hope you and I can always be friends."
"Uh...sure, Devil Mama," said Axe. "I guess this mean I not chop you up. Not cool to chop up friends. Can Axe give Devil Mama hug?"
"Sure, Honey," the Devil Mama said.
"But if you not want Axe, who Axe give axe to?"
"Give it to Brandi. She doesn't have one."
"Right. Brandi, here. You take axe."
"Hey Jimi," Axe Man said. "Axe have present for you. Death Cheese play for birthday, then Axe give you guitar lesson. You good, but you need lesson from the Master."
"Sure, Axe, that would be great," Jimi said. The Devil Mama slipped her hand into Jimi's and gave him a pair of earplugs.
As Death Cheese took the stage in the Netherworld Hotel's grand ballroom, Axe Man couldn't help but notice that Jimi and the Devil Mama seemed pretty cozy.
"Man, whoever Devil Mama say she have feelings for going to be pretty pissed off," said Axe Man to Buzzoff. "Devil Mama pretty fickle. Because she all over Jimi!"
"Guess that's just the way it goes, Man," said Buzzoff. And before Axe Man had time to think, he launched into Death Cheese's new tune, "Putrefied Flesh On The Rack." Unfortunately, the WWF Wannabes were playing "Ugly and Evil" while Axe Man and Wolfie thought the first song would be "Charred Remains." The Lutefiskies were off in their own world playing "Netherworld Blues" and Buzzin gulped down a bucket of shine and was definitely buzzin'. That Death Cheese sure knows how to party. And I'll tell youse what--it's a good thing Axe Man gots a real short attention span, or he might just of thought to open a can of Whoop Ass on Jimi Hendrix for stealin' the Devil Mama's heart!
Vinnie Barbarino
Credits: Coop
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