The Flavor of Axe 6

Hi everybody! This is me, your reporter. There I am on the left as an adorable child star. That's my daddy with me. And on the right is me now. Aren't you excited to see me?

Oh yes, and here's Axe Man. I guess I'm supposed to talk about him since he's the star of the show.

The Flavor of Axe 6: Boobs, Beatings and Boors

by Veruca Salt

The BESTEST new reporter for all the Netherworld media sources!

Hel-lo everybody! Yes it's me, Veruca Salt, your favorite child star that you remember so well from my wonderful performance in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I just wanted to tell you that it isn't true that Augustus Gloob rolled over on me and crushed me after a night of wild passion and that's how I ended up in the Netherworld. No, during the Wonka Reunion Tour I fell into the incinerator, and this time it really was on. It was sad to see my daddy carrying on so at my funeral. He was crying so hard it sounded like he was chuckling with glee. But he's old and he'll be with me soon, I'm sure.

Anyway, it was very nice of Mickey Ratt and those lovely and rich Joozian guys from the FOGNL network to offer me a job. My first assignment is to report on this show, the Flavor of Axe, which I guess is very popular but I certainly can't imagine why. Everyone here looks like a big freak!

Axe Man is some kind of rock musician and he has all these women that want to be with him for some reason and mostly he's a pig and goes around saying "good ass!" Well, today he said that his band Death Cheese was going to be playing a concert on the Vogon Cruiser and he wanted all the contestants on his show to look their best. He said it was going to be a preliminary show for the VILE awards that are in a couple of weeks and I guess that's a real big deal. To him maybe! If it's such a big deal, howcome I never heard of it? I told him if it was any good I'd want it and I didn't want it so it must not be any good, so there, NYAH! But then who should show up but Willy Wonka and Willy Wonka Junior and they're sponsoring this year's VILE awards. Well good, because I'm going to follow their every move so I can sue their asses off for negligence! How dare they have that incinerator on? And I still think I was pushed! I never did trust that bitch Violet Beauregard. And for the record, it was her that was banging Augustus Gloob, not me!

Willy Wonka Senior

Willy Wonka Junior

Mickey Ratt came in and threatened me with firing if I didn't start reporting on dumb old Axe Man and his dumb old show, so I guess I'd better. What a stupid crabby rat! Anyway, Axe Man said that the girl that got his attention the best during the concert would get to have a special date with him after the show. Well, I sure don't see what would be special about that, but these dumb hussies were all squealing and falling all over themselves about it and went to their rooms and changed into the sluttiest clothes I've ever seen. I don't know what they were wearing, but what they WEREN'T wearing was almost everything! It's sad when the classiest ones in the bunch were three zombies!

Veruca Zombie, Veronica Zombie and Hortense Oxcart, the Zombie Girls

That one zombie chick has a good name, I must admit.

Anyway, this space shuttle landed on the lawn outside this crappy hotel where Axe Man and his crappy friends live, and it took us up to the Vogon mother ship. That place stunk and there were all these insects and crustaceans running around. And then this other shuttle docked and I suddenly wished the place could go back to smelling like it did before because now it smelled like an open sewer!

"Fuckin Arsewipe!" Axe Man said. "He think him going to win VILE award. Even Mystic Xenia think him going to win VILE award. But Arsewipe not vile, Arsewipe CRAPPY! BOOO!!!! You suck, Arsewipe!"

"You're just a jealous bitch, Axe," the thing called Arsewipe proclaimed. "Death Cheese may be loud and dissonant, but we are truly the shittiest band in the Universe. Come Dewey, Darling, let's get to our dressing room. Hey, Spooky! Nice ass!"

That tall skinny ghost that takes care of all those slimy squid looking things looked like he wanted to really kill the Arsewipe thing and I can't say I blamed him. I also can't say I blamed him for not hitting it. If there's one thing that is true in this life--and unlife--it is that shit splatters. Don't ask me how I know that. But that hillbilly with the bad teeth that's Arsewipe's boyfriend didn't take too kindly to Arsewipe telling the Spooky fellow that he has a nice ass. I had to run and throw up in a nearby garbage chute when Arsewipe kissed the hillbilly and said "Aww, Dewey, Honey, I only did it to upset him. I just love getting his goat. But I love it even more when you and me get it on with goats together."

I got pretty upset at the spooky fellow when he almost pushed me down the garbage chute so he could puke in it. After all, I have a dreadful fear of falling down one of those things into an incinerator again! I punched him in the arm and told him to be careful. But he didn't seem to care too much. He took a box out of his pocket and for a minute I thought he was going to propose to me. But in the box were earplugs.

"You're new here," he said. "Trust me, you shall want these."

I'm glad he gave me the earplugs or I probably wouldn't be able to finish my report. First that horrible Crappy band went on. It was the most horrible thing I ever heard, and that's even with the earplugs!

The Crappy Crew's fan base consists mostly of turds. The Arsewipe thing is in the middle. He's surrounded by his backup singers Britney on the left and Lacey on the right, by his drummer Leisure Suit Loser and bassist Crappy Creep at the top, and by lead singer Shat the Ripper at the bottom.

I left until the Crappy Crew was done playing. I couldn't bear the stink. Then Death Cheese went onstage after it had been hosed down with 666x strength industrial disinfectant. I was right in the front row with all the bimbos who were trying to show Axe Man who was the hottest. Between the boobs onstage and the boobs being flashed at the boobs onstage, I've never seen so many boobs in my life! And then horror of horrors, four of the boobs, or maybe that's two boobs with four boobs between them, got on the stage and started performing with the band!

Hottie joins Axe Man and his band onstage















And so does Brandi. Singing looks like it hurts her. I know her singing hurt me! I'm going to have to tell that Spooky fellow that he needs to buy stronger earplugs!

Just when I thought things couldn't get any crazier, that Flesh Eating Xantha she-ghoul and Tanya Tooth, who I understand has real shark DNA, started wrestling around the stage taking bites out of each other!

Tanya Tooth and Flesh Eating Xantha put the bite on each other

I swear, Axe Man is so DUMB! He started cheering, saying "Yeah! Girl on girl HOT!"

I yelled at him, "Axe Man, they aren't playing lesbian, they're trying to eat each other!"

I guess that was the wrong thing to say! He started unzipping his trousers. Fortunately his bandmate Buzzoff, who is some sort of creepy giant alien bee, stopped him.

"Axe no! No sex on stage! Do you want to stoop to the Crappy Crew's level?" he demanded.

"Crappy Crew sucks! Axe KILL!" Axe said.

"No, Axe stay here and finish the show," said Buzzoff.

Fortunately, Axe forgot about the live sex act that he was about to perform. Unfortunately, he also forgot about zipping his pants back up.



















The Devil Mama got onstage and she was smokin'! No, I mean really--she was smokin'.

Black Metal Tinkerbell got onstage and she and the Devil Mama started dancing like they do at the Ravishing Woo Woo. The male members of the audience were drooling all over themselves, as were the non-alien members of Death Cheese. Their sound became more dissonant than ever.

I seriously don't know what Anisheru was thinking when she chose this outfit while all the other skanks were at least scantily dressed. Axe Man is hardly the intellectual type! My bet is on her being axed from the show soon.

Officer Sexxi tries to nab her competition

Officer Sexxi was really, really wasted on something called Elzar's 666 Proof Spice Weasel Whiz. She decided that the best way to eliminate her competition was to catch them in a net. Axe Man liked her lack of clothing. He wasn't even paying the least bit of attention to the smokin' devil mama and he certainly hadn't noticed the very concealingly clad Anisheru. But then Bootz took the stage.

Bootz bares all for Axe
Axe has a very short attention span. His attention turned from Officer Sexxi to Bootz. And then back to Officer Sexxi. And then to the Devil Mama and Black Metal Tinkerbell. I was pretty sure he was going to get whiplash, and not even from headbanging. Lammy and Flowering Kudzu jumped up on the stage and distracted him even further by playing a game of nude patty cake. Axe was mesmerized. He turned it into a game of three way patty cake. The idiot audience thought it was all part of the show and were cheering like crazy.

And then Hotsy Totsy unhooked her bra, and it was all over.

Axe now nothing but the enormous pendulous breasts swaying to and fro. Black Metal Tinkerbell and the Devil Mama tried to turn his attention back to them, but Hotsy Totsy knocked them over with her boobs. The show was over. Axe declared Hotsy Totsy the winner of the special date and told her to come back to his cabin with him. The Vogon Prefect got onstage and announced that there would be a poetry reading. Only Beavis and Butthead remained. That creep Yam Man told me that Vogon Poetry was bad for the soul and that Beavis and Butthead could tolerate it only because of their incredible stupidity. Yam Man then tried to cop a feel as he put a "friendly" arm around my shoulder. I clocked him and left the room. Who wants to hear a bunch of stuffy old poetry anyway?

The other girls didn't take very kindly to Hotsy Totsy having Axe Man all to themselves and they decided to crash the party. Officer Sexxi picked the lock. And there they beheld Axe Man, smothered beneath Hotsy Totsy. In her throes of passion she didn't seem to realize that he couldn't breathe with his face jammed between her undulating knockers. But Black Metal Tinkerbell noticed. Either that or she was pissed because she thought that Axe was panting in exstacy. She slammed Hotsy Totsy in the face with a 666-ounce bag of pixie dust.

Hotsy Totsy fell forward onto Axe Man and the other women rolled her off of him. I thought that maybe that Dr. Schitz character should make sure she was still alive. His first remark was "wow, if I could make a cow with an udder like that, think of all the milk it could produce!" He proceeded to put electrodes on Hotsy Totsy's head and listen to her heart before extracting her DNA.

"She'll be fine, she's just going to have to sleep it off," he declared.

"But Axe need her awake for elimination!" Axe demanded.

"Well, there's no time like the present to check the effectiveness of my Ultra Caffeine Energy Injection then," Dr. Schitz said. "Stand back everybody!"

Dr. Schitz should have taken his own advice. When Hotsy Totsy sprung back to life, one of her outsized breasts smacked him in the face and knocked him out. Axe Man didn't seem to notice. He grabbed the suitcase containing the prized golden axes. Under normal circumstances, I'd want one. But since that would mean vying for Axe Man's hand up my skirt, I really don't want one any more.

"First Axe want to say thank you Black Metal Tinkerbell. You rescue Axe from suffocation under Hotsy Totsy giant boobies. You Axe's hero. You get axe first."

"Next, Axe love how Tanya and Xantha go at each other. Girl on girl hot! You come get axes!"

"Axe also like playing three way patty cake with Lammy and Kudzu. You two come get axes."

"Officer Sexxi, Axe like you in uniform, but better out. You come get axe."

"Bootz, Axe think it way hot when you come onstage naked. You come get axe."

"Hottie and Brandi, it cool that you sing with Death Cheese. You come get axes."

"Veronica, Veruca and Hortense, you look hot in outfits. Not enough flash though. Still, you come get axe. Maybe we have orgy later!"

"Anisheru, you show no cleavage. Bummer! But Axe want to see what you have under robe. You come get axe."

"Devil Mama, you smokin'! Axe like your dance. You come get axe."

"Hotsy Totsy, Axe like big jugs. But Axe not like to be smothered! Your time up!"

Hotsy Totsy picked up what I thought was a giant slingshot and tethered her enormous breasts in it before leaving the room. Somehow I didn't think she'd have any trouble finding another victim to smother with her huge gazongas.

In a strange way this was really a lot of fun and I hope Mickey and the FOGNL guys will let me do another one in the future. I want to!

Veruca Salt

Credits: Coop