Jimi the Birthday Boy and Axe jam together last June. Lammy, before her head was turned into a sheep's head, is wearing some sort of Freaky Flyers costume. Photo bogarted from the Asinine News Archive.
The Flavor of Axe 12: Shrunk Skanks and Jimi Hendrix' Birthday
by Vinny Barbarino
Hey youse wise guys! It's your old pal Vinnie Barbarino here. I begged for my chance to be on the Flavor of Axe with all da hot babes and finally Mickey Ratt got sick of me whinin' and I got the assignment! Yowza!
Yesterday was Jimi Hendrix' birthday, so it was time to par-tay! Jimi was born on November 27 1942. He came to the Netherwoild on September 18, 1970. Speakin' chronomologically, Jimi is 65. His bandmate Noel Redding sez that Jimi is immortal.
Yesterday was Jimi Hendrix' birthday, so it was time to par-tay! Jimi was born on November 27 1942. He came to the Netherwoild on September 18, 1970. Speakin' chronomologically, Jimi is 65. His bandmate Noel Redding sez that Jimi is immortal.
Jimi is a real paizan. He said for his boithday, he'd like nothin' better than to play a concert for Axe with his band The Ghastly Crue. Jimi said that's 'cause "every day is celebrate Axe day." I think maybe he just wanted to get out of hearin' Death Cheese play. But that's just me.
New York and her outsized implants give Axe Man advice
While Jimi and the boys was decidin' what tunes they was gonna play, Axe got a call from a fellow reality show star, Ms. New York. New York told Axe that what he needed to do to weed out the ladies that just ain't compatible with him is to bring in a shrink, see? Axe told New York that Black Metal Tinkerbell was already shrinked down small but he could see if Professor Snewgflo might be able to bring in a shrink ray for da rest of 'em.
"No, you idiot," said New York. "I mean you should bring in a psychologist. Like Dr. Fraud. Have them take the ink blot test and stuff. See where their heads are at compared to your head."
"Axe like idea, but think Dr. Fraud is plumber," said Axe Man. "But if you say, I call him. You real smart lady!"
"Yes, I know," said New York. "That's why I get all this publicity for being a big ham. Kiss kiss!"
And wit dat, she hanged up da phone.
"Axe like New York!" Axe said. "New York have big brain and big fake boobs!"
The Cheesemeister called Dr. Fraud's office to set up an appointment. Dr. Fraud, she was told, was out, but his new partner Dr. Devlin, a certified sexologist, and Dr. Devlin's assistants Asmoday, Osmoday and Anna May would arrive shortly.
Does Jimi Hendrix have the Devil Mama's motor running?
While waiting, the Devil Mama chatted with Jimi Hendrix, asking him what sort of food he'd like for his birthday. She asked him where he was born.
"In Washington," he said. "But I lived in the South for a long time. I really go for Southern food."
"Me too," said the Devil Mama. "It's my favorite kind! Come on and help me choose what we'll make for you."
"That's really nice of you, Devil Mama," said Jimi. "Axe Man should pick you. You're really nice, you're a good cook, you're attractive, and you sure smell a lot better than those zombie chicks! What is that perfume you're wearing?"
"Brimstone," said the Devil Mama, batting her eyelashes. "I'm so glad you like it!"
Maybe Axe ain't da jealous type, but if I seen any woman of mine floitin' with a guy da way the Devil Mama was flirtin' with Jimi, I'd be thinkin' about givin' her da axe, and I don't mean kickin' her out of da house!
Hortense goes for the Undead Prom Queen Look. Unfortunately, that nasty cold sore isn't doing her any favors. A gal named "Beautuful" got eliminated from the second season of the Flavor of Love for having a cold sore and hers wasn't even visible on camera. Could this hum-dinger spell the end of the line for Hortense?
"Axe like all kinds of food," Axe said. "But Axe from Norway. Sweden in south."
"Is it? Heck, y'all learn somethin' new every dang day, don't ya?" said Hortense. "Listenin' to that there Spooky feller talk, ya never would guess! He sounds like he's from France or one of them thar places like that over thar in Asia!"
Now I ain't claimin' I'm no Rogue scholar or nothin' but Hortense sure don't know shit from shynola about geometry! All youse gots to do is listen to the Spooky Guy talk for two seconds and youse know right away he ain't from no France. I know fer a fact that he's the Irish Potato Phantom! I even wrote a paper in high school all about how the Potato Phantom stole all the potatoes from the Irish people back in 1802 or something and that's how come he ended up being the Devil's latreen cleaner. Hortense is a nice gal for a zombie, but she shure is awful dumb!
Hortense went off to the kitchen to help the Devil Mama cook. There was a knock at the door.
Dr. Devlin's assistant Anna May pauses as she contemplates the Netherworld Hotel's brass door knocker
"That must be the shrink," The Cheesemeister said. Billy the Concierge pedaled off to answer the door, but visiting butler John Butler answered first.
"Dr. Devlin and his assistants," Butler announced.
"That's my job, Asshole!" Billy complained, driving his tricycle into Butler's shin.
"One of these days, you little bastard, to the fireplace!" Butler declared.
"You can't! I'm protected by Pinocchio's law! So there! Nyah!" said Billy, thumbing his nose and pedaling away.
"Greetings," said Dr. Devlin. "I am Dr. Nick Devlin, and these are my assistants, Asmoday, Osmoday and Anna May. Asmoday sketches pictures and helps me interpret the ink blot tests and pictures my patients sketch. Osmoday observes and interprets personal interactions. And Anna May does my appointment book. I can already see that this house needs a lot of help. But that would be Dr. Fraud's territory. I am a sexologist. Can you take me to the sexy people?"
"Why don't you use the Master Suite, Doctor?" suggested Billy. "It's big and it has two big beds. You get set up and I'll call King Smut. He may want to film this."
"Fine," said Dr. Devlin. "Now, here's how it works. First I'll interview everybody one on one. We'll do a little role playing. Osmoday will observe. Then each client will work with Asmoday on picture interpretation. Lastly, I'll talk to each lady along with Axe Man together. So, who's my first patient?"
Dr. Devlin role-plays with Brandi while Osmoday expresses his interpretation of the situation. Asmoday, meanwhile, is doing a drawing interpretation with Flesh Eating Xantha, who is kneeling beside him.
"Just relax, Brandi," said Dr. Devlin. "I'm here to assess how you'd react in a given situation. Just pretend that I'm Axe Man. What would you do if Axe Man came up behind you and grabbed your fine booty?" And with that, the Doctor proceeded to do just that.
"Hell yeah, that's the stuff!" shouted King Smut as he arrived with his omnipresent camera, his old chum and favorite star Sexy Sadie, and his new assistant Chuck Ruttheimer. "We're rolling, Doc! Keep it coming!"
"That's the general idea, Smutty," said Dr. Devlin.
"What kind of doctor did he say he was?" The Cheesemeister asked.
"Oh, he's not really a doctor," said Osmoday. "He just calls himself that. He's actually a dancer from the Happy Wiener. He just does this doctor schtick to make extra money. Chicks dig the whole therapist thing. My brother Asmoday is the actual doctor. But Devlin has a more interesting image."
"I see. And what do you do, exactly?"
"How about we go to one of these nearby suites and I'll show you?"
"No way, pervert! Stay away from me or you'll be wearing your 'nads for earrings. You're lucky I don't open a can of Whoop Ass on you!"
"Damn! I never get any!" Osmoday griped vehemently. "Hey, Devlin, how 'bout cutting me in on this piece?"
"When I'm done, Osmoday," Devlin said. "It's almost time for my close-up."
"Oh, Dr. Devlin," Brandi said enthusiastically. "You're so manly!"
"Call me Axe Man, my dear," said Devlin. "We're role playing, remember?"
Asmoday and Xantha seemed oblivious to the blantant sex scene unfolding before them.
"All right, Xantha, tell me what you see in this picture of the smiling man," said Asmoday.
"Him too skinny!" said Xantha. "Xantha like man with meat on bones!"
"Ah. A man like Axe Man perhaps?"
"Axe Man big and beefy! Xantha like! Yummy!"
"All right, Xantha, I have here a paper with some shapes on it. Why don't you draw me some pictures showing me what the shapes make you think of?"
"Xantha like to color while waiting for foods at Steak Through Heart!" said Xantha.
"Steak Through the Heart--yes, one of my patients, Jeff, recommended it," Asmoday mused. "Well, you color away, my dear. Anna May, would you be so kind as to send in the next patient?"
Flowering Kudzu was next. She looked over at Devlin and Brandi on the bed and her eyes went wide.
"They practicing making babies?" she asked.
"They're role playing, Dear," said Asmoday.
"Is she s'posed to be doing that with him? She's on the Axe Man show, so I think she's only s'posed to be doing that with Axe," said Kudzu.
"It's all right, Honey, I'm a doctor," groaned Devlin.
"Well, shee-it! I'm glad Dr. Schitz never tried that on me when I go in for my exams!" said Kudzu.
"How does this look, Osmoday?" Devlin shouted.
"Like you're boning the so-called patient, Sir," Osmoday answered. "And not giving me any, as usual. Come on, Smutty, couldn't you cut me in for a scene?"
"Oh all right," said King Smut. "Why don't you come over here and yank your crank? The voyeur crowd will like that."
"I'll take him on, Smutty," said Sexy Sadie. "You know I'm not picky."
"You're a real trooper, Sadie," said King Smut. "Well, what are you waiting for, Ruttheimer? Grab the other camera and the wide angle lens and get filming!"
"Holy dang!" said Hortense when she came into the suite, her hands covered with flour and several new cuts on her body. "Is that thar part of the therapy?"
"Only if you want it to be, Dear," said Asmoday. He turned to Flesh-Eating Xantha, who was done with her drawings.
"My, that's very...bloody, Xantha," he said.
"You like?" asked Xantha.
"It gives me great insight into your personality and motivation. Thank you."
"Xantha hungry now."
"Well, we're all done here. Why don't you go get yourself something out of the meat locker for a snack? That's a good girl! Now Kudzu, what do you see when you look at this ink blot?"
"That's Dr. Schitz. He's getting ready to deliver my 22nd or 23rd baby. It might just be Axe Man's. But maybe not. I'm really not sure."
"That's...very revealing, Kudzu," said Asmoday. "Now, why don't you draw some nice pictures of your own using these shapes? Hello there Hortense. How are you today?"
"I'm jest fine, Doc. 'Cept all that there groanin' an' gruntin' sounds like a cow gittin' ready to give birth!"
"That's really a very apt description, Hortense. And what do you see in this ink blot?"
"Well, with all that thar gruntin' and groanin', I can't see nothin' but a cow givin' birth!"
Black Metal Tinkerbell isn't playing around when it comes to winning Axe Man's affections
"Right. Well, here are some shapes for you to make pictures with. Ah, I see we have Black Metal Tinkerbell next. How are you today, dear?"
"I'll be fine as soon as I shut these idiots up. It sounds like a bunch of pigs fucking!" And with that, Tink dropped a load of pixie dust on the boinging crew.
"Wow, talk about a bed-busting finish," said King Smut. "How much dust did you drop on them, Tink?"
"About 666 pounds. They'll be digging for a while to get out. So what are we doing here?"
"Tinkerbell, I have an ink blot here that looks like something. What does it look like to you?"
"That's Pan. He's getting his ass kicked by Axe Man. And then Captain Hook is feeding him to a crocodile."
"I detect a bit of hostility towards Peter Pan. Care to elaborate?"
"Bastard dumped me for goody goody Wendy," said Tink. "They both need a beat down."
"Tink, I only have one concern. You seem like you're still pretty bitter about the break-up. Do you think this will interfere with your ability to be in a relationship with Axe Man?"
"No way! Axe has a big old tool. And a big axe too. And he shreds on guitar! Axe is the MAN!"
"Excellent--that sounds very positive. Here, these are some shapes I give my clients to make drawings. Just have fun--draw whatever comes to mind."
Lammy was next.
"I heard there was an orgy going on up here," she said.
"Well, there was. But Black Metal Tinkerbell thought it was too loud so she dropped a bunch of pixie dust on the participants."
"Bummer. I would have enjoyed a good orgy."
"Lammy, I have a picture here. What do you see in this ink blot?"
"Its that bitch Enditall who turned my head into a sheep's head. I'd like to light her broom on fire!"
"Do you think that Axe has issues with you having a sheep's head?"
"Hell no! Axe will stick it into anything with a pussy."
"Compatibility is good," Asmoday said. "Lammy, I'd like you to draw some pictures using these shapes. Whatever comes to mind."
The Devil Mama was next. Asmoday showed her an ink blot. She got a dreamy look in her eyes and smiled.
"That's Jimi Hendrix enjoying a plate of the food that Hortense and I are preparing for his birthday," she said.
"What about Axe Man?" Asmoday asked.
"Who? Oh yes, Axe Man. Well, I'm sure he's enjoying it too. But there isn't room for him in this picture. Only for Jimi. He's such a sweet man. And so talented! And smart? Oh, is he ever!"
"I see," Asmoday said. "Here, Devil Mama. I've got some shapes here that I'd like you to make pictures from.
"Can I play too?" asked Chuck Ruttheimer. "After all, Sadie and that pissed off guy are still buried under the pixie dust so there's nothing for me to film right now."
"Um...sure," said Asmoday. "What do you see in the ink blot, Charles?"
"That's Sadie giving me a blow job. She sure knows how to gobble a sausage!"
"Uh...yes. Way more information than I needed. Here, why don't you make some pictures?"
"That ink blot looks like boobs," said King Smut. "Maybe Brandi's boobs because that's the last pair I was filming."
"Seriously, I'm not surprised," said Asmoday.
"Well, give me some of them shapes, Partner," said King Smut. "I'm thinking of some great pictures I can draw! I'm really not much of an artist, but my head is soooo full of ideas!"
"I can only imagine," said Asmoday.
Veronica, wearing an outfit she borrowed from her new best bud, Officer Sexxi
Veronica Zombie was next. She looked at the dust on the beds, from which Chuck, Sadie, Devlin and Brandi were now emerging.
"I thought this was suite," she said. "I guess it tomb. Nice to know this zombie friendly hotel!"
"Veronica, the nice doctor has something for you to look at," said King Smut. "And then I'm getting an idea. Hot zombie girl on girl sex!"
"Save it for later, Smutty. Right now I have a job to do. Veronica, I have an ink blot here," said Asmoday. "Can you tell me what it looks like?"
"Brains!"
"All right. I take it that intelligence is important to you."
"All brains taste same!"
"Um...yes. Veronica, I notice you're wearing a police officer's outfit."
"Yeah! My friend Officer Sexxi let me wear."
"Wasn't Officer Sexxi a contestant on this show?"
"Yeah. She get sent home. Bummer!"
"But she's not angry with you?"
"No! Officer Sexxi like Veronica! Help Veronica take police test. Us friends!"
"Well, that's very nice, Veronica. Now, I have a paper with some shapes on it. Why don't you draw me some nice pictures using the shapes? And as I understand we have one more lady before we bring in Axe Man?"
A classier than usual Bootz catches Upchuck's attention
Bootz was next. Chuck's jaw dropped.
"Hey King, I know what I'd like to do with her!" he said.
"You and everyone else, little boy," said Bootz. "I'm saving myself for real quality--like Axe Man."
"Bootz, I have a picture I'd like you to look at," said Asmoday. "Can you tell me what you see here?"
"Yeah. It's a bag of Quatloos. With my name on it."
"Well, money is important to a lot of people. Can you think of anything more important than money?"
"No, but having guys make idiots of themselves over me is a close second."
"Does Axe Man do this?"
"Oh, all the time!"
"I think that Axe Man is just an idiot all the time," remarked Brittney, who was passing the room. "Is that pixie dust I see? Good work, Black Metal Tinkerbell! I'd think you were pretty cool, except for the Axe Man lust."
Bootz was cringing in the corner. Asmoday handed her the paper with shapes and told her to draw pictures. He asked Brittney if she'd call Axe Man in.
"Hey Bonehead, the skinny guy with the ink blot pictures wants to see if you have a brain anywhere in your thick skull," Brittney shouted. Axe Man came into the room.
"Brittney like Axe," he said. "Brittney insult Axe."
"Right Axe, you just go on thinking that," said Asmoday. "Now, in order to determine who is most compatible with you, I need to assess you too. Tell me, what do you see in this ink blot?"
"Axe see Axe on stage playing guitar. Audience cheering. Axe! Axe! And then Axe see self with axe chopping down trees."
"And skipping and jumping and going to the lavatory," said Brittney as she passed the room going the other way.
"That Brittney some joker," said Axe.
"Well, you're certainly very confident, Axe. Some might say narcissistic. Here, why don't you draw me some pictures using these shapes? Oh, Brandi, I almost forgot about you. What do you see in this shape that I'm holding up?"
"Which one?" Brandi groaned. "No fair giving me two when everyone else only got one!"
"Right. Well, Brandi, why don't I get you a nice pill for that headache and then you can draw me some pictures using these shapes."
"Dr. Asmoday, I like y'all a lot," said Hortense. "I hope you an' yer buddies kin stay on fer the dinner we's makin' fer Jimi's birthday."
At the mention of Jimi Hendrix' name, the Devil Mama sighed and a dreamy look came to her face.
"Well sure, Hortense, I think that would be all right," said Asmoday.
"But jest one thing, Doc. Kin you make shore them friends of your'n don't go havin' sex at the table or nothin' like that? 'Cause it seems like their mamas didn't learn them very good manners iffen they's a-gonna go ruttin' around like that when there's folks a-tryin' to take a test to see iffen they's got a brain or not. 'Cause that's a purty important thing to know."
"Sure, Hortense, I don't think that'll be a problem," said Asmoday. "In fact it's my guess that they probably won't feel like having sex again for awhile."
"Well that's good, 'cause I mean, DAMN! That thar was jest wrong! Come on, Devil Mama, we don't want our biscuits an' beans to burn."
"See you later, Dr. Asmoday," said the Devil Mama. "I have to get back to my Jimi...I mean, my cooking now."
"Devil Mama sure friendly with Jimi," said Axe Man. "That nice. Seeing as he not so handsome as me, it good she try to make him feel better. Then again, who so handsome as Axe Man?"
"There's certainly nobody quite like you, Axe," said Asmoday. "If you're done with your drawings, I'll take them. Now, I'll just take some time to interpret these and I'll give you the results tonight after the concert. I understand that Jimi and his band are going to play for you."
"Yes--even though it Jimi Birthday, he say thing he want most in world is to play for Axe. You know, Jimi very talented on guitar. Him have potential. Axe think, for birthday, I give Jimi guitar lesson!"
"Uh...I'm sure he'll love that, Axe," said Asmoday. "After all, how could he resist?"
"Nobody resist Axe," said Axe Man.
Well, I gots to tell youse, it was one hell of a concert! That Ghastly Crue sure has some talented undeads. Jimi was sure in a good mood. I think the fact that Cuzzin Hildy-Bob brought over some of her famous 'shine to celebrate relaxed him pretty good. He even agreed to pose fer next month's RBUMM centerfold. He asked if the Devil Mama could pose with him. They're sure gettin' cozy-cozy. If I was the suspicious type I'd think somethin' wuz rotten in Denmark! I mean besides the Lutefiskies.
After the show, Dr. Asmoday got onstage and gave the results of that picture drawin' contest he was havin' everybody do.
"All right, Axe Man, here are your results," he said. "You're extremely confident. Some might say narcissistic. You put not a great deal of stock in intelligence and much in brute force. You could be called creative, depending on one's interpretation of the word. You would want someone who would worship your every move and be at your beck and call."
"And flash boobs at concert," said Axe Man.
"Right. You heard it from the man himself, Ladies. And now here are my assessments of your potential partners."
"Flowering Kudzu is very fertile. Most of the pictures she drew involved giving birth. Since you may be the father of the child she's currently carrying, she would be a logical choice for you."
"Hortense is good-natured and an excellent cook. I'd stay out of the kitchen when she's cooking as she tends to be a bit clumsy with knives. Her pictures seem to be about life on a farm, which reflects her roots. As I understand, you came from a rural area yourself, so the two of you might be compatible on this point."
"The Devil Mama is very into Jimi Hendrix. All of her pictures were of Jimi."
"That all right," said Axe Man. "Jimi rocks. But Death Cheese better."
"Right. Next we have Bootz. Bootz seems to like showing off her body parts. In fact all of her pictures were of herself showing off her body parts. She seems to be your equal in narcissism and the fact that she likes to flash her boobs should work well for you."
"Next we have Flesh Eating Xantha. I must admit, I find Xantha's motivation very disturbing. She drew pictures of herself eating different parts of your body."
"Who can blame?" said Axe. "Axe very tasty!"
"Axe, I don't think you understand. I mean EATING various parts of your body. With a knife and fork."
"Right. And now we have Lammy. Lammy drew lots of pictures of booze and one of her shooting Enditall out of the sky with an anti-aircraft gun."
"Axe like booze. This good."
Brandi's rendering of herself with a headache
"Next we have Brandi. What can I say? Black Metal Tinkerbell dropped a pile of pixie dust on Brandi. Brandi drew herself with a headache. Black Metal Tinkerbell, however, really seems to like you, Axe. She drew a pictures of you onstage, you and her backstage, you and her standing at an altar either getting married or sacrificing something, you and her standing outside of a honeymoon suite, and then the honeymoon suite with a do not disturb sign on the door. It doesn't get much more obvious than that."
"Lastly we have Veronica Zombie. Veronica draws you and her on a date at Steak Through The Heart. She is eating a brain. I will assume it isn't yours. Well, Axe, I've done my job. Now it's up to you to decide who will stay and who will go. Good luck to all of you."
Axe now took the stage.
"First of all, Axe thank Dr. Asmoday. Axe not know what other clowns who come with him do, but Dr. Asmoday kick ass. Now Axe give axes."
"First axe go to Xantha. Xantha, you really into Axe. Draw kinky picture. You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Black Metal Tinkerbell. Tink really romantic! You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Kudzu. Axe get paternity test when baby born. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Bootz. Bootz, Axe depend on you to flash boobs when Death Cheese play. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Lammy. Lammy like to get drunk. Axe like to get drunk. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Veronica. Veronica just nice girl who want to take Axe to dinner. Axe like to go to dinner. Veronica come get axe."
"Next axe for Hortense. Hortense real good cook! You come get axe. And Devil Mama..."
"Axe, I can't accept it," said the Devil Mama. "I'm sorry, but I have feelings for someone else. But I hope you and I can always be friends."
"Uh...sure, Devil Mama," said Axe. "I guess this mean I not chop you up. Not cool to chop up friends. Can Axe give Devil Mama hug?"
"Sure, Honey," the Devil Mama said.
"But if you not want Axe, who Axe give axe to?"
"Give it to Brandi. She doesn't have one."
"Right. Brandi, here. You take axe."
"Hey Jimi," Axe Man said. "Axe have present for you. Death Cheese play for birthday, then Axe give you guitar lesson. You good, but you need lesson from the Master."
"Sure, Axe, that would be great," Jimi said. The Devil Mama slipped her hand into Jimi's and gave him a pair of earplugs.
As Death Cheese took the stage in the Netherworld Hotel's grand ballroom, Axe Man couldn't help but notice that Jimi and the Devil Mama seemed pretty cozy.
"Man, whoever Devil Mama say she have feelings for going to be pretty pissed off," said Axe Man to Buzzoff. "Devil Mama pretty fickle. Because she all over Jimi!"
"Guess that's just the way it goes, Man," said Buzzoff. And before Axe Man had time to think, he launched into Death Cheese's new tune, "Putrefied Flesh On The Rack." Unfortunately, the WWF Wannabes were playing "Ugly and Evil" while Axe Man and Wolfie thought the first song would be "Charred Remains." The Lutefiskies were off in their own world playing "Netherworld Blues" and Buzzin gulped down a bucket of shine and was definitely buzzin'. That Death Cheese sure knows how to party. And I'll tell youse what--it's a good thing Axe Man gots a real short attention span, or he might just of thought to open a can of Whoop Ass on Jimi Hendrix for stealin' the Devil Mama's heart!
Vinnie Barbarino
Credits: Coop
Xantha has been known to bite the hand that feeds--and eat it.
Asmoday and Xantha seemed oblivious to the blantant sex scene unfolding before them.
"All right, Xantha, tell me what you see in this picture of the smiling man," said Asmoday.
"Him too skinny!" said Xantha. "Xantha like man with meat on bones!"
"Ah. A man like Axe Man perhaps?"
"Axe Man big and beefy! Xantha like! Yummy!"
"All right, Xantha, I have here a paper with some shapes on it. Why don't you draw me some pictures showing me what the shapes make you think of?"
"Xantha like to color while waiting for foods at Steak Through Heart!" said Xantha.
"Steak Through the Heart--yes, one of my patients, Jeff, recommended it," Asmoday mused. "Well, you color away, my dear. Anna May, would you be so kind as to send in the next patient?"
Flowering Kudzu was next. She looked over at Devlin and Brandi on the bed and her eyes went wide.
"They practicing making babies?" she asked.
"They're role playing, Dear," said Asmoday.
"Is she s'posed to be doing that with him? She's on the Axe Man show, so I think she's only s'posed to be doing that with Axe," said Kudzu.
"It's all right, Honey, I'm a doctor," groaned Devlin.
"Well, shee-it! I'm glad Dr. Schitz never tried that on me when I go in for my exams!" said Kudzu.
"How does this look, Osmoday?" Devlin shouted.
"Like you're boning the so-called patient, Sir," Osmoday answered. "And not giving me any, as usual. Come on, Smutty, couldn't you cut me in for a scene?"
"Oh all right," said King Smut. "Why don't you come over here and yank your crank? The voyeur crowd will like that."
"I'll take him on, Smutty," said Sexy Sadie. "You know I'm not picky."
"You're a real trooper, Sadie," said King Smut. "Well, what are you waiting for, Ruttheimer? Grab the other camera and the wide angle lens and get filming!"
"Holy dang!" said Hortense when she came into the suite, her hands covered with flour and several new cuts on her body. "Is that thar part of the therapy?"
"Only if you want it to be, Dear," said Asmoday. He turned to Flesh-Eating Xantha, who was done with her drawings.
"My, that's very...bloody, Xantha," he said.
"You like?" asked Xantha.
"It gives me great insight into your personality and motivation. Thank you."
"Xantha hungry now."
"Well, we're all done here. Why don't you go get yourself something out of the meat locker for a snack? That's a good girl! Now Kudzu, what do you see when you look at this ink blot?"
"That's Dr. Schitz. He's getting ready to deliver my 22nd or 23rd baby. It might just be Axe Man's. But maybe not. I'm really not sure."
"That's...very revealing, Kudzu," said Asmoday. "Now, why don't you draw some nice pictures of your own using these shapes? Hello there Hortense. How are you today?"
"I'm jest fine, Doc. 'Cept all that there groanin' an' gruntin' sounds like a cow gittin' ready to give birth!"
"That's really a very apt description, Hortense. And what do you see in this ink blot?"
"Well, with all that thar gruntin' and groanin', I can't see nothin' but a cow givin' birth!"
Black Metal Tinkerbell isn't playing around when it comes to winning Axe Man's affections
"Right. Well, here are some shapes for you to make pictures with. Ah, I see we have Black Metal Tinkerbell next. How are you today, dear?"
"I'll be fine as soon as I shut these idiots up. It sounds like a bunch of pigs fucking!" And with that, Tink dropped a load of pixie dust on the boinging crew.
"Wow, talk about a bed-busting finish," said King Smut. "How much dust did you drop on them, Tink?"
"About 666 pounds. They'll be digging for a while to get out. So what are we doing here?"
"Tinkerbell, I have an ink blot here that looks like something. What does it look like to you?"
"That's Pan. He's getting his ass kicked by Axe Man. And then Captain Hook is feeding him to a crocodile."
"I detect a bit of hostility towards Peter Pan. Care to elaborate?"
"Bastard dumped me for goody goody Wendy," said Tink. "They both need a beat down."
"Tink, I only have one concern. You seem like you're still pretty bitter about the break-up. Do you think this will interfere with your ability to be in a relationship with Axe Man?"
"No way! Axe has a big old tool. And a big axe too. And he shreds on guitar! Axe is the MAN!"
"Excellent--that sounds very positive. Here, these are some shapes I give my clients to make drawings. Just have fun--draw whatever comes to mind."
Lammy was next.
"I heard there was an orgy going on up here," she said.
"Well, there was. But Black Metal Tinkerbell thought it was too loud so she dropped a bunch of pixie dust on the participants."
"Bummer. I would have enjoyed a good orgy."
"Lammy, I have a picture here. What do you see in this ink blot?"
"Its that bitch Enditall who turned my head into a sheep's head. I'd like to light her broom on fire!"
"Do you think that Axe has issues with you having a sheep's head?"
"Hell no! Axe will stick it into anything with a pussy."
"Compatibility is good," Asmoday said. "Lammy, I'd like you to draw some pictures using these shapes. Whatever comes to mind."
The Devil Mama was next. Asmoday showed her an ink blot. She got a dreamy look in her eyes and smiled.
"That's Jimi Hendrix enjoying a plate of the food that Hortense and I are preparing for his birthday," she said.
"What about Axe Man?" Asmoday asked.
"Who? Oh yes, Axe Man. Well, I'm sure he's enjoying it too. But there isn't room for him in this picture. Only for Jimi. He's such a sweet man. And so talented! And smart? Oh, is he ever!"
"I see," Asmoday said. "Here, Devil Mama. I've got some shapes here that I'd like you to make pictures from.
"Can I play too?" asked Chuck Ruttheimer. "After all, Sadie and that pissed off guy are still buried under the pixie dust so there's nothing for me to film right now."
"Um...sure," said Asmoday. "What do you see in the ink blot, Charles?"
"That's Sadie giving me a blow job. She sure knows how to gobble a sausage!"
"Uh...yes. Way more information than I needed. Here, why don't you make some pictures?"
"That ink blot looks like boobs," said King Smut. "Maybe Brandi's boobs because that's the last pair I was filming."
"Seriously, I'm not surprised," said Asmoday.
"Well, give me some of them shapes, Partner," said King Smut. "I'm thinking of some great pictures I can draw! I'm really not much of an artist, but my head is soooo full of ideas!"
"I can only imagine," said Asmoday.
Veronica, wearing an outfit she borrowed from her new best bud, Officer Sexxi
Veronica Zombie was next. She looked at the dust on the beds, from which Chuck, Sadie, Devlin and Brandi were now emerging.
"I thought this was suite," she said. "I guess it tomb. Nice to know this zombie friendly hotel!"
"Veronica, the nice doctor has something for you to look at," said King Smut. "And then I'm getting an idea. Hot zombie girl on girl sex!"
"Save it for later, Smutty. Right now I have a job to do. Veronica, I have an ink blot here," said Asmoday. "Can you tell me what it looks like?"
"Brains!"
"All right. I take it that intelligence is important to you."
"All brains taste same!"
"Um...yes. Veronica, I notice you're wearing a police officer's outfit."
"Yeah! My friend Officer Sexxi let me wear."
"Wasn't Officer Sexxi a contestant on this show?"
"Yeah. She get sent home. Bummer!"
"But she's not angry with you?"
"No! Officer Sexxi like Veronica! Help Veronica take police test. Us friends!"
"Well, that's very nice, Veronica. Now, I have a paper with some shapes on it. Why don't you draw me some nice pictures using the shapes? And as I understand we have one more lady before we bring in Axe Man?"
A classier than usual Bootz catches Upchuck's attention
Bootz was next. Chuck's jaw dropped.
"Hey King, I know what I'd like to do with her!" he said.
"You and everyone else, little boy," said Bootz. "I'm saving myself for real quality--like Axe Man."
"Bootz, I have a picture I'd like you to look at," said Asmoday. "Can you tell me what you see here?"
"Yeah. It's a bag of Quatloos. With my name on it."
"Well, money is important to a lot of people. Can you think of anything more important than money?"
"No, but having guys make idiots of themselves over me is a close second."
"Does Axe Man do this?"
"Oh, all the time!"
"I think that Axe Man is just an idiot all the time," remarked Brittney, who was passing the room. "Is that pixie dust I see? Good work, Black Metal Tinkerbell! I'd think you were pretty cool, except for the Axe Man lust."
Bootz was cringing in the corner. Asmoday handed her the paper with shapes and told her to draw pictures. He asked Brittney if she'd call Axe Man in.
"Hey Bonehead, the skinny guy with the ink blot pictures wants to see if you have a brain anywhere in your thick skull," Brittney shouted. Axe Man came into the room.
"Brittney like Axe," he said. "Brittney insult Axe."
"Right Axe, you just go on thinking that," said Asmoday. "Now, in order to determine who is most compatible with you, I need to assess you too. Tell me, what do you see in this ink blot?"
"Axe see Axe on stage playing guitar. Audience cheering. Axe! Axe! And then Axe see self with axe chopping down trees."
"And skipping and jumping and going to the lavatory," said Brittney as she passed the room going the other way.
"That Brittney some joker," said Axe.
"Well, you're certainly very confident, Axe. Some might say narcissistic. Here, why don't you draw me some pictures using these shapes? Oh, Brandi, I almost forgot about you. What do you see in this shape that I'm holding up?"
"Which one?" Brandi groaned. "No fair giving me two when everyone else only got one!"
"Right. Well, Brandi, why don't I get you a nice pill for that headache and then you can draw me some pictures using these shapes."
"Dr. Asmoday, I like y'all a lot," said Hortense. "I hope you an' yer buddies kin stay on fer the dinner we's makin' fer Jimi's birthday."
At the mention of Jimi Hendrix' name, the Devil Mama sighed and a dreamy look came to her face.
"Well sure, Hortense, I think that would be all right," said Asmoday.
"But jest one thing, Doc. Kin you make shore them friends of your'n don't go havin' sex at the table or nothin' like that? 'Cause it seems like their mamas didn't learn them very good manners iffen they's a-gonna go ruttin' around like that when there's folks a-tryin' to take a test to see iffen they's got a brain or not. 'Cause that's a purty important thing to know."
"Sure, Hortense, I don't think that'll be a problem," said Asmoday. "In fact it's my guess that they probably won't feel like having sex again for awhile."
"Well that's good, 'cause I mean, DAMN! That thar was jest wrong! Come on, Devil Mama, we don't want our biscuits an' beans to burn."
"See you later, Dr. Asmoday," said the Devil Mama. "I have to get back to my Jimi...I mean, my cooking now."
"Devil Mama sure friendly with Jimi," said Axe Man. "That nice. Seeing as he not so handsome as me, it good she try to make him feel better. Then again, who so handsome as Axe Man?"
"There's certainly nobody quite like you, Axe," said Asmoday. "If you're done with your drawings, I'll take them. Now, I'll just take some time to interpret these and I'll give you the results tonight after the concert. I understand that Jimi and his band are going to play for you."
"Yes--even though it Jimi Birthday, he say thing he want most in world is to play for Axe. You know, Jimi very talented on guitar. Him have potential. Axe think, for birthday, I give Jimi guitar lesson!"
"Uh...I'm sure he'll love that, Axe," said Asmoday. "After all, how could he resist?"
"Nobody resist Axe," said Axe Man.
Well, I gots to tell youse, it was one hell of a concert! That Ghastly Crue sure has some talented undeads. Jimi was sure in a good mood. I think the fact that Cuzzin Hildy-Bob brought over some of her famous 'shine to celebrate relaxed him pretty good. He even agreed to pose fer next month's RBUMM centerfold. He asked if the Devil Mama could pose with him. They're sure gettin' cozy-cozy. If I was the suspicious type I'd think somethin' wuz rotten in Denmark! I mean besides the Lutefiskies.
After the show, Dr. Asmoday got onstage and gave the results of that picture drawin' contest he was havin' everybody do.
"All right, Axe Man, here are your results," he said. "You're extremely confident. Some might say narcissistic. You put not a great deal of stock in intelligence and much in brute force. You could be called creative, depending on one's interpretation of the word. You would want someone who would worship your every move and be at your beck and call."
"And flash boobs at concert," said Axe Man.
"Right. You heard it from the man himself, Ladies. And now here are my assessments of your potential partners."
"Flowering Kudzu is very fertile. Most of the pictures she drew involved giving birth. Since you may be the father of the child she's currently carrying, she would be a logical choice for you."
"Hortense is good-natured and an excellent cook. I'd stay out of the kitchen when she's cooking as she tends to be a bit clumsy with knives. Her pictures seem to be about life on a farm, which reflects her roots. As I understand, you came from a rural area yourself, so the two of you might be compatible on this point."
"The Devil Mama is very into Jimi Hendrix. All of her pictures were of Jimi."
"That all right," said Axe Man. "Jimi rocks. But Death Cheese better."
"Right. Next we have Bootz. Bootz seems to like showing off her body parts. In fact all of her pictures were of herself showing off her body parts. She seems to be your equal in narcissism and the fact that she likes to flash her boobs should work well for you."
"Next we have Flesh Eating Xantha. I must admit, I find Xantha's motivation very disturbing. She drew pictures of herself eating different parts of your body."
"Who can blame?" said Axe. "Axe very tasty!"
"Axe, I don't think you understand. I mean EATING various parts of your body. With a knife and fork."
"Right. And now we have Lammy. Lammy drew lots of pictures of booze and one of her shooting Enditall out of the sky with an anti-aircraft gun."
"Axe like booze. This good."
Brandi's rendering of herself with a headache
"Next we have Brandi. What can I say? Black Metal Tinkerbell dropped a pile of pixie dust on Brandi. Brandi drew herself with a headache. Black Metal Tinkerbell, however, really seems to like you, Axe. She drew a pictures of you onstage, you and her backstage, you and her standing at an altar either getting married or sacrificing something, you and her standing outside of a honeymoon suite, and then the honeymoon suite with a do not disturb sign on the door. It doesn't get much more obvious than that."
"Lastly we have Veronica Zombie. Veronica draws you and her on a date at Steak Through The Heart. She is eating a brain. I will assume it isn't yours. Well, Axe, I've done my job. Now it's up to you to decide who will stay and who will go. Good luck to all of you."
Axe now took the stage.
"First of all, Axe thank Dr. Asmoday. Axe not know what other clowns who come with him do, but Dr. Asmoday kick ass. Now Axe give axes."
"First axe go to Xantha. Xantha, you really into Axe. Draw kinky picture. You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Black Metal Tinkerbell. Tink really romantic! You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Kudzu. Axe get paternity test when baby born. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Bootz. Bootz, Axe depend on you to flash boobs when Death Cheese play. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Lammy. Lammy like to get drunk. Axe like to get drunk. You come get axe."
"Next axe for Veronica. Veronica just nice girl who want to take Axe to dinner. Axe like to go to dinner. Veronica come get axe."
"Next axe for Hortense. Hortense real good cook! You come get axe. And Devil Mama..."
"Axe, I can't accept it," said the Devil Mama. "I'm sorry, but I have feelings for someone else. But I hope you and I can always be friends."
"Uh...sure, Devil Mama," said Axe. "I guess this mean I not chop you up. Not cool to chop up friends. Can Axe give Devil Mama hug?"
"Sure, Honey," the Devil Mama said.
"But if you not want Axe, who Axe give axe to?"
"Give it to Brandi. She doesn't have one."
"Right. Brandi, here. You take axe."
"Hey Jimi," Axe Man said. "Axe have present for you. Death Cheese play for birthday, then Axe give you guitar lesson. You good, but you need lesson from the Master."
"Sure, Axe, that would be great," Jimi said. The Devil Mama slipped her hand into Jimi's and gave him a pair of earplugs.
As Death Cheese took the stage in the Netherworld Hotel's grand ballroom, Axe Man couldn't help but notice that Jimi and the Devil Mama seemed pretty cozy.
"Man, whoever Devil Mama say she have feelings for going to be pretty pissed off," said Axe Man to Buzzoff. "Devil Mama pretty fickle. Because she all over Jimi!"
"Guess that's just the way it goes, Man," said Buzzoff. And before Axe Man had time to think, he launched into Death Cheese's new tune, "Putrefied Flesh On The Rack." Unfortunately, the WWF Wannabes were playing "Ugly and Evil" while Axe Man and Wolfie thought the first song would be "Charred Remains." The Lutefiskies were off in their own world playing "Netherworld Blues" and Buzzin gulped down a bucket of shine and was definitely buzzin'. That Death Cheese sure knows how to party. And I'll tell youse what--it's a good thing Axe Man gots a real short attention span, or he might just of thought to open a can of Whoop Ass on Jimi Hendrix for stealin' the Devil Mama's heart!
Vinnie Barbarino
Credits: Coop
2 comments:
Devil Mama jumped ship for Jimi. And Hortense lost her job at the kissing booth. And we learned that if you try to slap Xantha in the mouth, you'll just pull back a bloody stub. And as I think about it, sexology is a lot like plumbing.
I bet they were sacrificing the last shred of Black Metal Tink's self-respect at that altar.
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