The Flavor of Axe 10: Operation Romancing the Axe

The shocked expression on Axe's face foreshadows things to come for the Death Cheese stud

The Flavor of Axe 10: Operation Romancing the Axe
by Yam Man

The Cheesemeister simply couldn't believe what a dense idiot Axe Man was being when he revealed that he had fallen in love with Annie, the gold-digging she-bear of Gone With The Captists fame. She said that she was pretty sure that Annie was only interested in other bears and that Axe should stick to his own species, or something close to it.

"Think of the children, Axe," she implored. "Your potential offspring with Annie would be...well...hideous."

But Axe was not to be swayed, so the babes had to be convinced to do the swaying. I was more than happy to help coach the girls. With my pal King Smut filming this episode, I knew this would be a total blast!

"All right, listen up, you hoochies," the Cheesemeister said. "Yam Man has something to say, and you might as well hear it."

"Ladies," I said. "It appears that your man's attentions have been drawn by a wanton she-bear. The only way you're going to regain his attentions are to act more wanton and wild than even said she-bear. Let me spend a little time with each of you and get to know your strengths, and then I can tell you how best to entice Axe away from Annie."

Bootz worked out a really nice song and dance routine for Axe

I advised Bootz that since Axe had already seen everything she had to offer as far as her body went that she should show him her talent, so she sang this song for him and put on a little fashion show. I don't think Axe knows anything about fashion but he knows what he likes. And the King knows what he likes, and he likes Bootz. He says he thinks she's got a great career ahead of her and that she could easily make it on the director's casting couch. I think Bootz' routine worked because after her half hour was up, I asked Axe if she had helped him forget about Annie and he said "Who Annie?"

Seeing that Bootz' song and dance routine seemed to please Axe so much, Lammy decided that she'd sing him a song too. It was a much different style, but Axe seemed to like it. King Smut thought it was boring. He hollered at Lammy to show some skin. Lammy mooned him. I asked Axe what he thought of Lammy's song. He said it made him want to curl up with his axe and a bottle of Thunderbird. Axe was really getting back to himself!

Those were going to be two tough acts to follow and Flowering Kudzu was really shaken. She regaled Axe with her drunken, sobbing routine that won her the part of Tawdry Cattery in Gone With the Captists. Axe patted her on the head and offered her a swig of Thunderbird.

My car is washed and we get a great show!

I never thought I'd be into flesh eating undead, but when Veronica and Veruca Zombie, Hortense Oxcart and Flesh Eating Xantha the Ghoul Girl declared that my ride was filthy and that Axe and I should come out and watch them hose it down, I was agreeable. So me, the King and Axe got in my car. The King filmed all the hot sudzy zombie babe action. I have to admit, I was feeling aroused. In a purely clinical professional counselor sort of way, of course. I believe each of these gals could benefit from some one on one female empowerment counseling from your favorite professional counselor!

"Axe, old pal, if you eliminate any of these rotting undead hotties, you're just plain crazy!" I said. Of course I meant Rotting Undead Hotties in the most professional sense of the word.

When Axe, Smutty and I staggered out of the car, I saw Tanya Tooth standing there. The shark-girl was seething with jealousy. I told her to come have a nice chat with me about taking an active approach to getting her man. Just as soon as I finished watching Black Metal Tinkerbell do her dance.Purely to review how much empowerment the dear pixie might need, of course.

Black Metal Tinkerbell performs her famous Ravishing Woo Woo club routine

It's easy to see why Black Metal Tinkerbell is a favorite at the Ravishing Woo Woo. I appreciated her limberness and skill. Axe was drooling all over himself. At least I had the sense to wipe up my drool! King Smut just loved filming Tink. I almost thought I was working with Austin Powers as often as Smutty yelled "yeah, Baby!"

The Devil Mama put on a cool fashion show

Then the Devil Mama strutted her stuff and it was obvious why she's another favorite Ravishing Woo Woo dancer. I wasn't going to hit on her, though--I was afraid she might fry me!

Brandi's Bikinis
Brandi showed off her bikini collection. I need to work with Axe more often! King Smut declared that he'd had enough of the softcore stuff. He told Tanya that she needed to turn up the heat when she had her turn with Axe Man.
"Don't be shy--Axe doesn't want or get subtle," King Smut said. "Forget the salad and the appetizer--get right to the main course! You need to get down on it and really sink your teeth into it if you really want to win Axe's affections!"



















Tanya was hungry for Axe Man--in more ways than one!

Unfortunately, Tanya took King Smut's advice a little too seriously. And when King Smut told her to back off, it was too late. Her shark DNA kicked in. She had tasted blood and wanted more. We had to spray her in the face with a fire extinguisher to make her let go of Axe's manhood before he was several inches shorter than before in the third leg department.
Axe sat there staring blankly and whimpering before he keeled over on the bed. I called the Netherworld ambulance. Lo and behold, in walked Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent.
"I thought you two were on your honeymoon," I said.
"We were. But there is DNA to be spliced. Our passion is each other, and DNA. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"Your shark woman bit Axe Man's schnitzel," King Smut said. "It hurts me just looking at it! Bad girl, Tanya! That's the very thing that I had to fire Elizabeth Bathory for doing. But she likes getting busy with the old Strap On Veteran Ann Coulter anyway."
Dr. Schitz patched Axe Man up, declaring that there was no real damage done but advising that Axe avoid intimate contact for at least 10 days.
"And this includes your hand and online porn," the doc declared.
"Axe not need online porn," Axe protested. "Axe have harem of womens! But now Axe weenie hurt. Axe do eliminations now."
Walking hunched over and with his hands guarding his privates, Axe made his way to the lobby of the Netherworld Hotel. The women gathered around to hear his judgment.
"This first axe go to Bootz," Axe said. "Bootz really know how to dress--and undress. You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Lammy for cool Axe down after Bootz make so hot. You come get axe."
"Next axe pity axe for Kudzu. She drunk and blubbering. Kudzu come get axe."
"Veronica, Veruca, Hortense, Xantha, Axe can't decide who hotter. All you come get axe! Axe hope you wash tour bus later!"
"Black Metal Tinkerbell, you so hot! Devil Mama, you too. Axe want private show. You both come get axe."
"Tanya, axe have to have ice in black codpiece made of metal thanks to you. You not get gold plated axe, you get axe to neck! Off with head!"
"Axe no!" the Cheesemeister admonished. "You know better than to chop up the contestants you're dismissing. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Cheesemeister no fun!" Axe sulked.
"But I did fix your favorite Mad Dog Punch," the Cheesemeister said.
"Cheesemeister like Axe," Axe Man said. "Cheesemeister get Axe drunk!"
"What's a manager for, after all?" said The Cheesemeister.
King Smut, meanwhile, was chatting up the zombie babes. He said he had plans for one hella sexy zombie flick and wanted them to be the stars. But first he needed to film Black Metal Tinkerbell, the Devil Mama and Axe in some "sexual healing." Unfortunately, this inspired Axe to suggest that Death Cheese cover Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing." Marvin rolled over in his grave, leapt up, and hurried to the Netherworld Hotel to protest. Word has it that he's hiring Shyster Pettifogger to represent him.
Yam Man