Who Will Win Quinn Episode 2: Video Vixens and Celluloid Studs

Quinn was ready to appear in the big video shoot

Who Will Win Quinn Episode 2: Video Vixens and Celluloid Studs

by Dirty Dan

Hot damn! All the rock star boys and other studs whose arms Quinn is considering adorning with her fine self were showing off for her to see who would win a date with her to the Death Cheese show tonight. Of course if it is one of the Death Cheese boys, she'd give them their date after the show. Maybe in the meantime I can convince her that a studly reporter like me is really her best bet. The competition was taking place at the Netherworld Hotel. When Quinn arrived after her morning shopping spree, it was about noon. Mystik Spiral was the first band that would be filming, since Quinn would be comfortable performing with her brother-in-law and the friends she'd known throughout her school years. But Trent said the crack of noon was too early to get started with the shooting, so he'd want to get some ideas for the video itself first. So Quinn put the guys to work.

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie showed off their acrobatic skill

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie did some sort of really athletic, acrobatic, and, to be frank, homoerotic dance routine. Dr. Frank N. Furter loved it. Trent told them that if they put on their clothes and used some hula hoops "or something like that. Whatever." they were in. They were excited because they'd be performing with Quinn, and that was the whole idea. As a good will gesture, they told Buzzoff that he could be in the video too.
"Cool!" Buzzoff said. "I'll have the spawns jump through some hoops and Buzzin can straif the band with water balloons! It'll be great!"

Ethan and Wind brought in Jesus Ramirez, founder of the Church of Holy Smoke, to join them in a rousing chorus of spiritual song

"Oh! Jesus!" I said a moment later, as Ethan and Wind strode through the door with Jesus Ramirez, founder of the very popular Church of Holy Smoke.















PANSI is enraptured at the sight of Jesus

At first, PANSI was very excited when she saw Jesus.
"Oh, JESUS, My LORD and SAVIOR!" she squealed. "You've finally come to take me away from this horrible, sinful place!"
"Sure, Darlin', right after I finish helping my buds here film their cool video. It's really spiritual and stuff," Jesus said.
"Oh, GOD!!!!!!" PANSI shrieked. "Why must you torture me with these visions that look like heaven but are really just another thing from hell?"
PANSI ran from the room sobbing. A startled Jesus held out a joint. "Baby! Don't worry, it won't take me long!" he protested. "Here, chill out and have a hit off this!"
"Thanks, Man," Dr. Doo Doo said, taking the joint from Jesus.
"Well! Ethan and Wind! You certainly look...mostly naked," Daria said. "Come on, Quinn, quit staring. I don't think you're supposed to be looking at the Lord's package that way."

Trent was appalled at Daria's outfit
"Daria?" Trent called from his position on the couch.
"What is it, Boo?" Daria teased.

"Daria, it's about that outfit you're wearing. Its...uh...well...really wigger. It's un-mellowing my vibe and stuff."

Daria agreed to appear in Whitey Crackajack's video--for a price "Yo, Trent, Babe, chillax," Daria said. "I got this handled."
"Well, I hope you don't ever wear that thing to bed. It's totally a boner-killer."

The guys in Whitey Crackajack agreed to do housework, yard work and babysitting free on demand anytime Daria or Trent called
"Yo, Trent!" Tighty Whitey called.
"Well, you guys look the same as ever. You're always a total boner kill. Which that's ok, but I think you're a boner kill for chicks too. Uh...or whatever it is for chicks. What the hell did you guys do to my wife?"
"Nothing, Trizzay. Swear! We did not get bizzay with your hizzay," said Zack Crackajack.
"Zack, you call me a hizzay again and I'll shove this chain where the sun don't shine," Daria said.
"Yo, sorry, G," said Zack. "You look totally gang with a capital G, yo!"
"Yah, you look slammin', D!" said Jack Crackajack. "If you wuz havin' a show with your sizzy, I wouldn't be able to choose, yo!"
"Well, thanks, Boys," Daria said. "But why don't one of you tell Trent why I'm going to be in your video?"
"Yo, it's like this, T," said Wiggy Wigtowski. "Your girl D agreed to be in our vizzy if we wuz down with doin' the babysizzle and the yard wizzle and the grocery shizzle."
"HUH?" Trent asked.
"What he's saying in some semblance of English, Trent, is that these four wiggertastic homies are at our beck and call whenever we need babysitting or yard work or odd jobs done. That's what I get for dressing like a complete idiot like this."
"Oh. Cool." Trent said. "Still, don't ever wear that outfit into our bedroom. I just don't want to think about you that way."
"I do," said Jack, who was subsequently elbowed from both sides by Zack and Tighty Whitey.

Flipper thinks he's a star

"Quinn! Look at this hot video I made of myself," Flipper said. "It's all about Flipper. It stars Flipper. It's all Flipper all the time, just like I know you want."
"You mean, I hope, that it's a video showing how much you want to be in a video with Quinn," Buzzoff said.
"Yeah, that's what I said, Bug Juice." said Flipper.
"Well, jiggle buns, I suggest you buzz." Buzzin said. "Buzzoff and I need to confer with Quinn."
Flipper sidled away, grumbling.
"Quinn, that guy is trouble," Buzzin said. "When I came into the kitchen, he tried to spray me with Raid. Granted, he didn't know that's what I use for breath spray. But I think you need to know, he has an attitude problem."

Bruce Fairlane hopes to appear with Quinn in a cool and arty video Before Quinn could respond, Bruce Fairlane approached with a video of his own.

"Hi Quinn," he said. "I wondered if you'd check out my video concept. I got Evil Ed and Soggy to help me block out the idea, and Spooky filmed it."
"Spooky's is the grouchy voice you hear bossing everyone around and telling us that everything we're doing is crap," Evil Ed said.
"Now, Bruce, you've got the attitude to have when you're approaching people to sell them on your idea!" Buzzoff said. "Thanks. We'll look it over."
"Now, there is a human you'll want to consider spawning with, Quinn," Buzzoff said. "He's got a nice personality and he seems to have a few brain cells that actually work."
"Helllooooo, Qvinnn," a voice called across the room. Heads turned, because at first it sounded like The Spooky Guy. But everyone knew that he would never hit up on Quinn, nor would he use that sort of come-hither voice in any circumstance.

Spooky's sons were spawn-minding while waiting their turn to perform

Quinn turned to see Spooky's son 84 sitting on the couch drinking a beer. His sons 85 and 86 were on the floor playing with various spawns.
"You can come sit over here with me, Qvinn," 84 said. "And ve shall discuss how you shall be queen of our video today."
"Ooooh, I like that!" Quinn said, getting close to the Swedish petri dish spawn. "I want to be queen of you guys' video!"

Shorty Slash decided to put himself between his cousins and Quinn

At that moment, Shorty Slash slid between his cousin and Quinn just as 84 was going for the smooch. Instead of Quinn's lips, 84 ended up with a mouth full of Shorty Slash's hair. Shorty turned and blew smoke in 84's face.
"Chill out, Cuz." he said. "And go get you one of these from Jesus Ramirez. He's giving them out free. Quinn, Baby, being a queen is all good, but me and my brother Q2, we'll make you a GODDESS in our video!"
"BLAST FEEMY!" an unhappy PANSI called as she bustled through the room with a tool box.
"What are you doing, PANSI?" Buzzoff asked.
"I'm building my own church!" PANSI sniffed. "And I'm not letting Spooky or Pooh or any of you guys mess it up for me!"

The boys had Artie doing what he does best--serve pizza

"PANSI, wouldn't you like some lunch first?" Artie called as he came into the room carrying a pizza.
"Are you CRAZY??? PANSI squealed. "That would go right to my hips! Then I'd look like The Cheese Mistress, or Mrs. Weirdso, or my sister Daisy!!!!"
With that, PANSI slammed the screen door and went out into the yard to attempt what was sure to be a disaster.
"Look, Spawnies, food!" said 85, and before anyone else could approach, the table was besieged by spawns.
"Ve hope you have more of this, Artie," said 86.
"Ya. Ve are hungry." said 84.
"Not a problem, Guys, Soggy and I anticipated this," said Artie. "That's why we fired up the old brick ovens in the back. We've got 666 pizzas in various stages of readiness."
"Great--probably all tainted with Spam," grumbled Spooky.
"Well, you're in a fouler than normal mood," said Quorthon. "Soggy may be Spam obsessed, but Artie here seems like an intelligent young man. Surely he had the good sense to make non-Spam-tainted pizzas."
"Quorthon, you better come here and see this!" Hellspawn's drummer Sandy West said.
"Ya, Son, this is a very bad problem," said Quorthon's adoptive aunt Greta Garbo.

Everybody followed Sandy to the locker room off the Netherworld Hotel pool. Eyes widened and jaws dropped at the sight before them.

Axe Man decided to direct Jenni Riff and Brittney II of Hellspawn in his own personal photo shoot
There in the bathroom stood Axe Man with a camera. He was directing Quorthon's daughter Brittney II and her bandmate Jenni Riff in a topless photo shoot. The sound of squeaky groaning and explosive gas came from one of the stalls.
"BRITTNEY!!!!!!!!!" Quorthon shouted.

Jenni thought that exposure in RBUMM would be good publicity for her band

Brittney II seems to share her uncle Spooky's love for tools

Brittney and Merlin were working on choreography for Hellspawn's video

Someone loaded Mickey Ratt's kibble with laxatives

Even Skaale and Smelte were disgusted by Axe Man's behavior

"Axe Man! That not cool!" Skaale said.

"Ya! You supposed to be here for Quinn, not take dirty pictures of Quorthon dottirs," said Smelte.

"What is it, Q?" Brittney asked as she entered the room. "Merlin and I were working on choreographing our kids' video so as to minimize that idiot Quinn's impact. What is this moronic fish man saying about Axe Man taking dirty pictures of our daughter?"

"Just look!" Quorthon said, his face going from white to volcanic red. "It is right here in front of our eyes! Just look at what this sleaze bag Axe Man is doing with our daughters!"
"I wasn't aware that Jenni was one of ours, but whatever. Spooky, the Whoop Ass, please. Axe Man, before you die, I just want to say to my daughter that she's a real chip off the old block. Even without that hammer, she'd take you to pieces. Good work, Dear, I'm proud of you. And Mickey Ratt, I thought you were supposed to be in charge of this photo shoot. Where the hell are you?"
"Yo, I'm in the stall here, Brittney!" Mickey groaned. "Some bastard spiked my rat chow wid Ex Lax!"
"I think I know that certain Norwegian plague upon us all," Brittney said. "Well, Boys, I'm ready when you are."

A hissing sound was heard as Quorthon I and II opened their cans of Whoop Ass in unison with Brittney, Spooky, and Aunt Greta

As the hissing of Whoop Ass being opened reached from Axe Man's ears to his slow brain cells, he decided that it was time for him to make a hasty exit. He tried to crawl through the bathroom window but ended up getting his belt stuck in the sill. As the angry relatives and friends of the girls struggled to bring him down to the just ass whuppin that was coming to him, he managed to slide out of his pants and out into the yard, where he made a run for it.


















Weasel cheered on the ass whuppin
"Yeah, Brittney! You go girl!" said Weasel. "Uh, both Brittneys, that is! Whooo!"
"Oh, this is the worst!" Quinn sobbed. "Axe Man is such a sleaze!"


















Tom was right by Quinn's side in her time of need
"Certain half jackal freaks don't change their spots, Quinn," Tom Sloane said, putting his arm around Quinn. "But I'm here for you, Babe."
"It's Axe Man's brothers that are half jackal, Tom," said Brittney. "Axe Man is all jackass."























Cowboy Travis was ready to take Quinn for a long, slow ride in the country to comfort her
"Aw, Quinn, Babe, don't cry," Cowboy Travis said. "Looky here, I done wrote a little song for y'all to cheer ya right up!" But before Travis could start to sing, a deep, moronic chuckle followed by a higher pitched idiotic titter assailed Quinn's ears.

Beavis and Butthead offer Quinn a nice relaxing swim, massage, and shower--and she takes them up on it

"Uh, so, like, Quinn, after you're done listening to this fartknocker sing his shitkicker crap, we got a real treat for you and stuff," said Butthead.
"Yeah, yeah!" said Beavis. "Like, Buzzin rented us his massage room for an hour. So you and us can...uhhh....like...." Beavis' face was crimson and he couldn't control his embarrassed giggle. Butthead socked him in the arm.
"Shut up, Butt Goblin, before she thinks we're just a couple of butt dumplings. Yeah, so Quinn, we got some champagne from Hal's Club..."
"Probably cost all of 666 Quatloos," said Daria.
"Shut up, Diarrhea!" said Beavis.
"Don't nobody say 'Diarrhea,'" Mickey Ratt groaned as he staggered from the stall. "I oughta castrate Axe Man with me teeth! I just know he's the one who loaded my rat chow with Ex Lax so he could schmooze the goils into thinkin' he was the substitute photographer, see? I'm real sorry, goils."
"It's okay, Mickey," Brittney II said. "There was no way he would have touched either of us unless he wanted to feel the wrath of Brittney's Silver Hammer."
"Yo, that's a cool idea! Let's cover that Beatles song!" said Shorty Slash.
"I guess I ought to do the eliminations," said Quinn. "Guys come on over. I've made my decision."
"Beavis and Butthead, I'm totally going to take you up on your offer of a massage and champagne. I'm soooooo stressed out! Come and get your lockets."
"Shorty Slash, it was sooooo totally awesome the way that you told me you wanted me to be the goddess of your video. And Quorthon the Second, it was sooooo, like, chivalrous and stuff the way you defended your sister and your gal pal. Come and get your lockets." "Tom, I totally can't thank you enough for standing by me. You are so my angel! Come and get your locket."
"Smelte and Skaale, I'm sooooo totally stoked that you guys aren't a couple of sleazes like your band mate. Come and get your lockets."
"84, 85, and 86, it's sooooo totally awesome the way you guys are always being so nice to those spawn things and that you want me to be the queen of your video. Come and get your lockets."
"Joey, Jeffy and Jamie, you guys are soooooo awesomely acrobatic! Come and get your lockets."
"Artie, you're soooooo awesome for making sure nobody goes hungry. Come and get your locket."
"Ethan and Wind, I totally had no idea how totally spiritual you guys are. I'm, like, totally inspired and stuff! Come and get your lockets."
"Travis, it was soooooo totally sweet of you to write a song for me. Come and get your locket."
"Wiggy, Tighty Whitey, Jack and Zack, I think it was totally cool of you guys to let my sister be in your video, even though she isn't as hot as me. Come and get your lockets."
"Weasel, I'm, like, totally sorry we didn't get to spend more time together this time. Thanks for, like, cheering Q2 and Shorty Slash's family on. Come and get your locket."
"Bruce, I'm totally looking forward to working with you on your video, and I totally know that my brother-in-law Trent and his band are, like, so totally into it. It's so awesome! Come and get your locket."
"Flipper, it's, like, really cool and everything to realize your star power. But since I'm, like, totally the star of this show and stuff, you need to make sure that your creations include me and everything. Come and get your locket."
"And now before we finish up, I think you all totally know who I'm booting from the show. But I just can't, like, even make myself say his heinous name. Buzzoff, would you please do it for me?"

Buzzoff tells Axe Man: Three Strikes and You're Out! Then goes to jam with him
"Sure, Quinn, I'll be glad to," Buzzoff said. "Yo, Axe, I know you're probably listening from the woods. And I have to tell you, what you did was just about as low as it can go. So here's how it goes. Buddy, you went right past the first two strikes and right on to steee-rike three, and you're outta here! Uh--and I'll see you in about an hour for rehearsal."
"Oh, Buzzoff, that was totally awesome!" Quinn gushed, clapping her hands. "But before everybody goes, there's one more thing I want to say. You know, I am so totally stoked having Buzzoff as my Riki Rachtman, but I have, like, twice as much drama to deal with as Daisy does, so I, like, need two Riki Rachtmans."
"So you need me to clone Buzzoff?" Dr. Schitz asked.
"No, that's ok, Dr. Schitz. But I wanted to ask Buzzin if he'd be my second Riki Rachtman."
"I'd totally be glad to," Buzzin said, clapping his legs over each of his three mouths.
"I told you that you wouldn't be able to stop yourself from saying it!" Buzzoff proclaimed. "And now you owe me 6666 Quatloos!"
With that, Quinn went off with Beavis and Butthead to the spa. Everyone else was going to do their thing for the videos or band rehearsals, except for Jenni Riff, who sat looking at the ground.
"Hey, Jenni, why so down?" Shorty Slash asked. "If its cause you had your picture taken naked, don't worry about it 'cause in the Netherworld, it's a way big honor to get your bare butt in RBUMM. Me and Q2 are going for our photo shoot tomorrow, and if Axe Man tries to snag the camera from Mickey like he did today, we'll take a piss on his feet!"
"Did Axe Man do something more than take photos of you?" Quorthon the Second demanded. "Coz if he did, I'm gonna take his axe and shove it up his ass!"
"Oh, guys, it's not that," Jenni said. "It's just that...well, it's stupid, really. You know how I grew up in a home for unwanted kids coz my father left and my mother was a druggie and couldn't take care of me. Well, when I was about 13 there was this boy who was about 16 who started working in the kitchen and he would bring your pappa's music in to listen to while he worked, and he could see how much I liked it, and he liked me coz I was always volunteering to come down to the kitchen and help him since he treated me good. So he gave me a cheap tape recorder and every couple weeks he'd bring me tapes. And whenever the creepy so-called counselor, Mr. Asgrab, would bring me into his office and make me do stuff to him so he wouldn't send me to the place where they put the violent kids, I would think about the music and imagine that your pappa was my big brother and that one day he'd come take me out of that shitty place. So, you know, when he mistakenly said daughters instead of daughter, well, I suppose that old dream was still there and I found myself wishing even now that I could be part of my hero's family."
There wasn't a dry eye as boxes of Hal's Club Snot Rags (on sale for 6 boxes for 666 Quatloos this month at Hal's Club) were passed around. Quorthon grabbed a handful, gave a foghorn-sounding blow from his nose, and then sat down beside Jenni.
"Jenni, listen," he said, taking her hand. "I have this problem, and the thing is, you are the only person in the Netherworld--actually, you are the only person in the Universe--that can take care of it for me."
"Whatever it is, I'll try my best," Jenni said. "I just hope that I can. I'm not good at very much, you know. I'm a clumsy zombie that got wasted and fell off a cliff and ended up dead, and that's about the best thing I ever did. The only thing I know how to do is play the guitar. But I will do whatever I can for you."
"Well, you see, the thing is, when I was alive, I always liked for my life to have balance. Now that I'm undead, I like for my unlife to have balance. And you see, I have one daughter and two sons. This is very nice, but not awfully balanced. So I was wondering if you might be willing to come to the Netherworld Adoption Agency with me and help me put this situation into balance."
"Oh yes, of course I will!" Jenni declared, now weeping happily as she hugged her soon to be adoptive father. "I guess it took a long time and it happened a little different than I dreamed of, but I did get my wish after all."
"Boy, you'll all be lucky if the Curmudgeon's Club doesn't revoke your membership after that sappy display!" Brittney said. "Well, come on, let's go dispense with the niceties. I only have one rule for you, Jenni. If I ever catch you saying "totally," and going into Buzzin's spa with Beavis and Butthead, I'm totally going to open a can of whoop ass on you. Fair enough?"

"Absolutely!" Jenni said.

I decided to talk to Quorthon's adoptive aunt Greta Garbo about her nephew's decision to add Jenni to his relatively new brood of laboratory-created spawn. "Greta, what do you think about becoming the great-aunt of a zombie?" I asked. "Oh, she's a very nice girl, and I think she will fit in very well with our undead family, though she isn't really much of a curmudgeon," Greta said. "I'm going to take her to see Dr. Quincy tomorrow. He's having a two for one skin graft special, and while she's quite well preserved for someone who's been dead for 20 years , there are a couple of spots that could use a little tidying up. Oh yes, and I am somewhat glad to know that she's a vegetarian zombie. It's one thing to walk into Dr. Schitz' lab and see brains in jars. It's quite another to open the refrigerator and see brains and other body parts looking back at you."
Well, all's well that ends well. Quinn may have a long way to go to get her guy, but Quorthon and Brittney have a new undead daughter, and Axe Man may think twice before he decides to pull a Creepy Peeper on any more undead and laboratory spawned lasses. But probably not.
Dirty Dan

Who Will Win Quinn Episode 1a: Quinn Rocks Out to the Beefcake Act 1

Quinn really wanted to look the part for her rockin' day

Who Will win Quinn Episode 1a: Quinn Rocks Out to the Beefcake, Act 1

by Buzzoff

Hello Quinn fans! I'm honored that FOGNL asked me to report on the first episode of Who Wants to Win Quinn. I learn so many new things about human interactions reporting on these mating dance shows. It truly piques my scientific curiosity!
"Buzzoff," Quinn said, "like, I know you know a lot about rock music because you are a totally hardcore rocker and stuff."
"Why, thank you, Quinn," I said. "And I'll be happy to answer any question you might have about rocking hard and tearing it up."
"But you don't know about human relationships because you're totally not human. And I totally have a question about relationships with rock musicians who are, like, human and stuff."
"Well, why don't you ask your sister Daria about that?" I said. "She's human and she's in a relationship with a human, who is also a musician."
"Totally!" Quinn said. "Thanks, Buzzoff! You're so totally smart!"
So we went over to Daria and Trent's house. I saw that Buzzin was in the back yard playing with their twin spawns while Jane took pictures of Buzzin and the kids.
"Hey Buzzoff!" Buzzin said. "Jane's going to do some kind of artistic thing with these pictures of me and the spawns. And they're having fun too, and I'm earning 66,666 Quatloos an hour from Trent and Daria for minding their spawns."
"Cool," I said. "Where are Daria and Trent?"
"Oh, I totally know where to find them," Quinn said. "They're probably, like, in the bedroom taking a nap or something."

Quinn seems to have trouble with the concept of knocking before entering

Daria and Trent were in their bedroom, but they were engaged in spawning rather than resting activities.
"Damn it Quinn, don't you ever knock?" Daria demanded.
"Oh, it's ok, Daria, this will only take a second," Quinn said.
"Well, what is it?" Daria said, pulling her shirt down and straightening her underpants. "Make it snappy, could you?"
"Well, like, actually this question is kind of for Trent. So, Trent, like, I've got all these rocker guys on my show and I totally haven't ever dated any rocker guys before. So I, like, wondered if you could hang out with me before Mystik Spiral plays at the big May Festival concert tonight and give me some hints and stuff on how to deal with these guys."
"Whoa! I'm flattered that you want my advice, Quinn," Trent said.
"Oh, brother," said Daria, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah, I'll totally give you my advice. I'm totally glad to help," Trent continued.
"Trent, quit saying totally before I get totally turned off," said Daria. "And Quinn, get the hell out of here before I get even more turned off. You're worse than the kids about busting in without knocking."
"Ok," Quinn said cheerfully. "See you at the concert, Trent!"
"Oh, Buzzoff!" Quinn said to me as we left her sister's house. "I'm so glad I have musicians like you and Trent to totally help me understand this rock stuff. I always was into boy bands. But The Spooky Guy's sons are sooooo totally hot! And Quorthon's sons are sooooo totally cool! And Axe Man and the Lutefiskies are so totally....badass! Oh Buzzoff! I can't believe I totally might be falling for a, like, Death Cheese guy!"
"Well, it just shows what great taste you are finally uncovering in your psyche, Quinn," I said. "Don't fight it. Roll with it!"
"Totally!" Quinn said.
We went over to the fairgrounds where the bands were starting to set up. The first band to play would be Whitey Crackajack, the band consisting of Jack and Zack Crackajack and their cousin Tighty Whitey. Then it would be Cowboy Travis for a change of pace. Next would be Spooky's sons and their band, and then Hellspawn. Then the more experienced bands would play for the second wave, starting with Trent's band Mystik Spiral, moving on to The Ghastly Crue and Ectoplasm Attack and culminating with, of course, Death Cheese. Well, apparently The Crappy Crew is going on after Death Cheese, but only turds are going to hang around for that shit. In between acts there will be other entertainment put on by the other guys, and then Naked Gymnastics for Jesus will perform just before Death Cheese. It will be a real extravaganza!

Artie is thrilled to see Quinn

Artie the Pizza Boy was there near the entrance to the concert stage in the pizza stand.
"Quinn!" he called. "I arranged it with my boss--free pizza for you and the guys all night!"
"Thanks Artie, Hon," Quinn said. "Smooches!"

The Spooky Guy's three new sons ravenously sample the pizza

Spooky's sons mumbled something between mouthfuls about making sure the pizza was "up to the snuff" before Quinn ate any of it. Quinn looked a little scared of their ability to eat so much. I began to wonder what other DNA might be in their mix besides Spooky's and Marie Fredriksson's, because I don't think either of them eat all the time the way their three spawns are always devouring everything in sight.
I thought that Artie might faint when Quinn blew him a kiss. And I thought that Spooky's sons might end up with indigestion. I told Dr. Schitz, who was in the medical tent, to look after them. At that moment, Beavis and Butthead approached.
"Uh, Dr. Schitz," Beavis said. "Me and Butthead want to, like, get some condominiums from you. You know, in case we, like, get to score with Quinn later."
"Um...don't worry about that, Dr. Schitz," Quinn said. "That isn't going to happen just yet. Or probably ever."
"So, like, Quinn," Butthead said. "Me and Beavis are, like, here DJ-ing for KHEL 666 during the concert. So if you want to, like, come over and show us your boobs sometime, that would be, like, cool and stuff. Huh huh huh."
"Yeah. Yeah! Boobs!" Beavis gibbered. "'Cause, like, we want to score!"
"Um...ok, guys," Quinn said, grabbing my elbow and hiding behind one of my wings. "Come on, Buzzoff. Let's go up by the stage."

Whitey Crackajack with their newest member, Don "Wiggy" Wigtowski (in red striped shirt)

"Yo, Quinn, mah hizzy!" Zack Crackajack called.
"Zack, I am NOT your hizzy!" Quinn said.
"Yo, Babe, don't be insizzled," said Whitey. "Zack is just a pizzozer, yo."
"Yo, fuck you, bizzitch!" Zack said.

"Boys, please!" said Quinn.

"It looks like you fellows multiplied," I said. "Do you form new members of your species by dividing like amoebas?"
"Huh?" said Whitey.
"Uh...we ain't no amizzle fo shizzle," said Jack Crackajack. "This is our nizzle Wiggy Wigtowski fo shizzle."
"Yo, Quizzle!" said the new fellow. "Whut up, Girlie? I'm gonna be hangin' with the homies, yo."
"How did you end up here, Wizzle? I mean, Wiggy?" Quinn said.
"Yo, Wizzle was drivin' down the street with a forty and a fatty, laid back," said Jack. "When the po-lice got all up in his grizzle."
"Yo, so I made a run from the opprizzle of the mizzle for shizzle," said Wiggy.
"Trouble is, bitchez, he fo-got the brizzle was out an' him an' his forty ended up in forty feet of rizzle, mah nizzle," said Zack.
"Well, welcome, Wiggy," Quinn said. "It's, like, totally nice to meet you and stuff."
"Yo, thanks, Babe," Wiggy said, starry eyed as Quinn shook his hand. "And I makes sure I ain't disrespectin' the hizzys when I bust a rhyme fo shizzle."
"Well...uh...that's nice," Quinn said, obviously not understanding a word he said.
"Quinn, these guys are amazing," I said. "It's as if they speak the language of English, and yet they don't."

Whitey Crackajack manager Jive Turkey

"Yo, Wiggers, yo' on, Bitchez," said the guys' manager, Jive Turkey. "An' make it slammin' like Spam in a can. Cause the Vogon Idol judgez is heer, bitchez! An' if they's down with yo posse, they may bust you onto Vogon Idol this summer, yo!"

The audience started to gather and Whitey Crackajack took the stage.
"Uh...what is this crap?" said Butthead.
"Yeah, this sucks!" Beavis said. "We want the chicks!"

As promised, Daria, Trent, Jane, and Darren came to advise Quinn about the plethora of musicians in her bevy of beaus.

"So, Daria, did you, like, finish having sex and stuff?" Quinn asked.
"No, Quinn, I'm still doing it," Daria said. "That's why I'm standing here fully..."
"Whoa!" Trent said, pointing up in the air.
"Oh hell...how did that happen?" Daria asked.

Tom Sloan's new look

Daria, evidently anticipating a mess, gazes in horror at the Tom Sloan angel

"Yo, Tom! Who'd you have to blow to get those wings?" Trent yelled.
"Uh, Trent, it's not a good idea to piss angels off," Daria said. "Even if they are Tom Sloan."
"If he's a real angel, I'll eat my easel," Jane said. "That's got to be some sort of plastic surgery by Dr. Quincy or DNA mutation by Dr. Schitz."
"Well, I don't recall Dr. Schitz...wait a minute... Project Angel. Excuse me a minute, everyone. I need to open a can of whoop ass...I mean, have a chat with my esteemed employer."
"Yo, Bitch, stop upstaging us!" Zack Crackajack shouted.
"Yeah! Yo ass is a total attention ho!" proclaimed Jack.
"Tom Sloan is a bitch an' he ain't no angle
If he flies his fake ass down here I'll put his neck in a strangle!" Whitey rapped.
The guys flew into a jumbled rhyme insulting Quinn's other prospective suitors.

Flipper shows his 'tude--and his patoot--to the audience

Flipper really liked this rhyme and jumped up on stage to join the guys, stripping off his pants and shaking his ass. I was unsure if this was a mating dance or a show of aggression.
"Dude--gross! Cover it up!" Shorty Slash yelled. "I'm young and innocent and that thing is hurting my virgin eyes!"

The visiting Vogon judges

Most of the audience was actually watching as Daria chewed out Dr. Schitz for the myriad of unscrupulous DNA projects he's been conducting behind her back lately. But the Vogon Idol judges were mesmerized by Whitey Crackajack.
"They are vile," said Judge Hkkau Luggie.
"Indeed. They are respluvicant...most respluvicant...with Splunge!" proclaimed Master of Ceremonies Mrook Mroon reverently. "Mr. Turkey! Please advise your progeny that they will be competing on the most loprositous entertainment program in the Universe, Vogon Idol, this ploktoon."
"Congratulations, Boys!" I shouted. "You're going to be on Vogon Idol! You know, that's how Death Cheese got where we are today!"
"Playing gigs on crappy reality shows?" Jane asked.
"Yeah, isn't it great?" I said.
"Buzzoff, you are an irrepressable optimist," Darren said. "I dig that."
"Thanks, Darren. But don't mention it to Axe Man. He gets bent out of shape about my not seeming more brutal offstage," I said.
After Whitey Crackajack finished their performance, Trent took the stage. The crowd went wild.
"Wait, wait," he said. "Yeah. Thanks so much for your support. Mystik Spiral will be on later so don't get too wasted to dig our act and stuff. But right now, I hope you'll be cool to my brother Wind Lane and his buddy Ethan Yeager, who are going to do some slam poetry for you. Oh yeah. And you can vote on who you think my sister in law Quinn should keep and who she should eliminate from her new reality show today cause that's what this is all about. Love and stuff. Yeah. So here's Wind and Ethan."

Wind is the quiet, introspective, romantic type--with great abs

Ethan is laid back yet outspoken

Most of the audience refrained from throwing things at Wind and Ethan, probably out of respect for Trent. Their poetry was interesting and the Vogons seemed impressed. All in all, things were going well, until Tommy Sherman started throwing eggs.
"Tommy, stop it!" Quinn shrieked.
"I'll stop him, Quinn," Weasel proclaimed.
"I'd better help him," said Bruce Fairlane.

Bruce Fairlane, after Tommy Sherman tore his clothes off

Weasel remained unscathed

Weasel and Bruce Fairlane dragged Tommy off the stage, but not before Tommy tore most of Bruce's clothes off.
"Dude! Chill out!" Weasel admonished Tommy. "Yo, Bruce, Man, you can probably borrow more clothes from one of the musicians here or something."
"No, that's cool," Bruce said. "I think Quinn might like me like this."

Cowboy Travis hoped that Quinn would like his muscles and his music

Cowboy Travis then took the stage. I asked Quinn how she was enjoying his music.
"What music?" she asked. "He has such great muscles!"
Travis sang as song about the train that was his heart. The Vogon Idol judges were lukewarm.
"It has splave, but not much splunge," said Judge Mroon.
"He lacks the courage to display true splunge," said Judge Lugie. "Truly a disappointment."
"Hey, it's time for you to get off the stage, Hick!" Tommy Sherman demanded. "Let some real men strut their stuff!"

Tommy Sherman vogues

Joey, Jeffy and Jamie monkey around

I soon saw why Tommy was so eager to get the other guys off the stage. Because next up was Jock Rock, the act that Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie had put together and Tommy had muscled his way in on. The Cheesemeister remarked that was sort of like the Harlem Globetrotters, only without the basketballs or the talent. I thought it was quite an interesting dance. Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, dressed as monkeys, threw a football to each other and did acrobatics, while Tommy strutted around in a jock strap flexing his muscles.
"Well...uh...that was really...something, guys," Quinn said. "Great muscles, Tommy! You looked hot! But I'm looking forward to seeing some more bands now."
"That was truly wumblic performance art," noted Judge Lugie.
"Yes," said Judge Mroon. "It stirred the offal. I suggest that we invite these simioid beings to participate in Vogon Idol this ploktoon."
I was looking forward to seeing The Spooky Guy's sons perform. He was fussing over them.
"Listen, Boys," he said. "It would be very much unprofessional to go on stage in shirts stained with pizza grease. Now get cleaned up if you wish to not embarrass me--I mean, if you wish to impress Quinn. I cannot believe those words are coming from my mouth. Now come on, get ready to go out there and kick some ass!"

TO BE CONTINUED

BuZzOfF

The Other DNA

Dr. Schitz slips Nurse Violent the Korv* while she goes for a taste of Yam Man's trouser zucchini

Brittney's DNA Suspicions Confirmed
by Dirty Dan

Wow, was Brittney ever right when she said she suspected that there was more to the DNA scrambling in the petri dishes containing her offspring than Dr. Schitz would admit. The Princess of Darkness slipped into Dr. Schitz' DNA lab while the doc was out to lunch and asked assistant DNA manipulator Dr. Daria Morgendorffer to give up the goods about what she knew.
"Daria, you aren't a drunken moron like Dr. Schitz," Brittney said. "So I trust you to tell me the truth."
"Very well," Daria sighed. "But you won't like it."
Daria took Brittney into the viewing room and turned on the video player. Onscreen appeared Dr. Schitz, Nurse Violent, and Yam Man drinking Mad Dog 20/20. Daria appeared momentarily to ask Nurse Violent if she really ought to be drinking such substances while pregnant.
"Oh, absolutely," Dr. Schitz said. "You see, Daria, alcohol is actually good for the offspring of a succubus."
"Well, then may I suggest that she drink Absolut instead of that swill," Daria said before leaving.
"Thankfully that was my only appearance in this horror show," Daria said. "And I'm ashamed to even be seen in it for that amount of time."
After Daria left, Dr. Schitz and Yam Man became obviously drunker. They called in Dr. House, who also commenced to drinking with them. While Dr. House began mixing new DNA into the petri dish that would eventually become Shorty Slash, Nurse Violent became hornier by the minute, groping Dr. Schitz and Yam Man lustfully.
"You aren't jealous, are you, Schitzy?" Yam Man asked.
"No. I'm relieved. There's nothing more randy than a pregnant succubus," Dr. Schitz said. "Maybe you can help me satiate her for a while."
"Well hell, I'm always glad to help a friend!" said Yam Man.
Brittney stared in horror as Dr. Schitz and Yam Man got busy with Nurse Violent. Her expression became even more horrified when Dr. House opened up the other two petri dishes. He then pulled a fourth petri dish from his medical bag and took out a couple more DNA test tubes.
"Hey Schitzy, I have an idea," he said.
At that moment, both Dr. Schitz and Yam Man reached climax. The results ended up on Nurse Violent, Dr. House, and in the petri dishes.
"I'll be back in a minute after I bathe in Mr. Spleen," Dr. House said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Brittney screamed. "Oh, Master, how could you have allowed such a travesty? This is worse than I thought! Not only do I have one child whose DNA includes that of a homicidal garden gnome, but all three of them have the DNA of Dr. Schitz, and worse, Yam Man! Heads are gonna roll!"
With that, Brittney stormed from the viewing room.
"Oh dear," Daria said. "I get the feeling that this place is going to be trashed way worse than the time that the Chickenator got loose. I think we're talking nuclear wasteland here!"
All I have to say is that if Nurse Violent needs any extra man meat while Dr. Schitz is laid up recovering from Brittney's onslaught, she can call me anytime at 666-DRTY-DAN!
Dirty Dan

*Korv is Swedish sausage

Lusty Goddess Bests Death Cheese Studs

Rowr! The Goddess Voluptas is one feisty babe!

Hot Roman Goddess Voluptas Lays Death Cheese Studs Flat

by Chuck Ruttheimer

Hey sexy babes and horny dudes! When the goddess Voluptas, who is the daughter of Psyche and Cupid, approached Axe Man and his half brothers the WWF Wannabes at the Death Cheese Wrecks the Coloseum show, the guys thought they'd hit the jackpot. I can sure understand that--a horny babe that wants to take on three dudes? ROWR!!!! FEISTY!!!! But after six straight hours of sex, even these super-studs had to admit defeat. But Voluptas was still ready to bang the gong. I bet me and King Smut can help her with that! And since Chuck Junior is standing at full attention, I'll see all you sex fiends later!

Chuck Ruttheimer

Sexy Sadie Shags the Shark

Sexy Sadie and Jabberjaw get in on while en route to Davy Jones Locker where Jabberjaw's band will be opening for Death Cheese

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 20: The Mother of All Rockin' Birthday Bashes

Spinal Tap are (Left to Right) Derek Smalls, Nigel Tufnel, and David St. Hubbins. Nigel was born February 5, 1948 making him 61 this year

Duff McKagan of Velvet Revolver (formerly of Guns n Roses) was born February 5, 1964. He is 45.

Alice Cooper was born February 4, 1948. He is 61.

Lord Iffy was born February 14, 1958. He is celebrating his birthday all month. Lord Iffy is the singer. His fellow band members are other members of the Straight Transvestites Club, including big bad Leprechaun Kizz Myass on the accordion.

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 20: The Mother of All Rockin' Birthday Bashes
by A Fungus From Yuggoth

When Lord Iffy woke up this morning he was in high spirits as he gathered the Spiffies together.

"Totty, as you know, my birthday is Valentines Deay," he said. "But one will be celebrating all month. And this weekend will be an especially powerful celebratiohn because some of one's cracking mates in the rock world aaare celebrating their birthdays. We'll be having the bash to end all bashes at the Venusdome tonight. Bloh myself! Hoh simply spectaculaaar, one must seay! Why, we will be celebrating the birthdeay of none uhthah than Nigel Tufnel of the jolly splendid Spinal Tap. One of one's oldest and deaaarest mates is Nigel. Haaard to believe he'll be sixty-one. Then again, soh is one's old boy Alice Coohpah. One of one's jolly favorite yanks is spiffing old Alice. Then we've Duff McKagan of Velvet Revolvah. Anuhthah spiffing yank, Duff is. Still ah young buck toohh. Fie forty-five this yeaaar. And we'll have absolutely the group of staaars to wish them many jolly returns. Mystik Spiral will be performing. Ectoplasm Attack will be there and one heaaars that Spoohky has invited one of his musician friends from the material world to teaaar things up. Kid Rock will be joining us. That should be simply pukkah! And then of course the mighty Deahth Cheese will finish things orf with ah bang. Oh, totty, what crumpets, jam and teah it will be! Of course one and some of one's friends will be performing as well to giz everything that simply spiffing touch. Noh, let's mustah ready. The shuttle to the Venusdome should be aaarriving at any minute. Heavens above! How smashing!"















Axe Man swigs space mead and tries to bust into the craft of Lammy or some clone Lammys to get a piece of ass. Fortunately Buzzoff is on hand to save Axe Man's fool ass

The Vogons stopped by to give Death Cheese a ride but complained all the way about the "whyavfgqusness of the majority of the performers."

"I have never seen such a deplorable lack of Splunge!" moaned Viceroy Fyjuw Camltow. "Between that McKagan fellow and Ectoplasm Attack, there is already a veritable black hole of quasi-gazjorousness in this line-up. Add to that the semi-jatyferousness of the likes of Mystik Spiral. Top this off with the unparalleled zajury of Kid Rock. The slight tinge of Splunge in Spinal Tap's repertoire can hardly make up for this..."

"I cannot believe you would accuse Spinal Tap of the glorificosity of Splunge!" interrupted Demi-Viceroy Xdd Nutt. "They are the veritable valmores of the music world. Splunge Lite is giving them far too much credit. Though they are not nearly so eyotrious as Ectoplasm Attack. They are, however, almost as dozlowerous as Mystik Spiral."

"Still, we shall partake of the maloferous strains of Death Cheese this night," said Viceroy Camltow. "It makes the yeomac rise to my slovah to think of it."

When Axe Man beheld the two clone Lammys in the shuttle pulling up alongside the Vogon craft, his Norwegian wood stood up and took notice.

"Lammys! Extra good ass!" he declared.

He took a swig of space mead, opened the airlock, and jumped out onto the space craft with intent to chop his way in and get a piece. Fortunately for Axe Man, Buzzoff was paying attention. Because although the space mead granted him the ability to breathe in space and withstand the far below freezing temperatures, he had no ability to fly or navigate his way around the icy vacuum. Buzzoff also leapt out the airlock and flapped up to Axe Man on his leathery wings.

"Come along, Axe Man. We'll see them in the VenusDome," he said in his agreeable way. That Buzzoff is certainly a nice byakhee. He always goes for the diplomatic approach.


















Bartender Tiffany pals around with Kid Rock

Upon arrival, Bartender Tiffany was awaiting with drinks for all. Kid Rock had already taken her up on the offer of a beer and they posed for a picture together.

"Great jacket, Kid," Buzzoff said.

"Thanks, Buzzoff," Kid Rock said. "I hope we'll be jamming together tonight."

"Of course we will!" Buzzoff said. "But what I can't wait for is the Big Bass Jam. Now, though Nigel and David usually play guitar, as you know, when they play Big Bottom, they all play bass. As a bassist myself, I'm just so thrilled to be invited to provide a fourth bass."

"And with Duff McKagan being one of the guests of honor and a bassist, well, there's a fifth bass," said Kid Rock.

"Of course Cliff Burton of Ectoplasm Attack will provide a sixth bass," said Buzzin.

"Don't forget Max from Mystik Spiral," said Bartender Tiffany. "There's a seventh bass."

"I've heard there will be an eighth bass," I said. "Spooky's old friend Necrobutcher is visiting from the material world. And if Quorthon opts to bring out his bass, well, there's nine."

"This is really getting exciting!" Buzzoff said. "If Eddie brought his bass, that's ten. It's a veritable bass orchestra!"

"Dr. Schitz is probably here. And I'll bet he brought his bass," chimed in Buzzin."

"Do you fellows think this is a good idea?" came a voice. "I tell you, the consequences could be disastrous to the space-time continuum to have that many basses playing at once! It forms a fearsome non-Euclidian angle at its vortex."

"Oh, don't worry about it, Einstein," I scoffed. "Cities on my planet are full of non-Euclidian angles. What's so great about Euclidian angles anyway?"

"Well, this may be all good and fine for your planet," Einstein said. "But for other worlds..."

"Just because its dangerous on Earth doesn't mean it will be a problem on Venus," Buzzoff said. "That's part of the reason we arranged to do the big Bass-Off here. We bassists have been discussing this for months. Don't worry about it. I bet the cloud cover will absorb the thickness of the notes or something."

"You are a smart enough fellow, which is a rare thing for a member of the Death Cheese band," said Einstein. "But you are not a physicist. Mark my words, Buzzoff. This is dangerous. You ought to call it off."

"And miss the chance to play with ten other great bassists? Never! Come on, Buzzin! You need to practice humming the bass line so you can join us too."

"I've heard that Bowser from Sha Na Na may be here," Buzzin said. "He's my hero! If he's here, we'll sing the bass line together!"

"This may open a rift in the space time continuum like no other," Einstien groaned. "I may have to contact the authorities."

"Oh dear," Lord Iffy said. "One must jolly well goh aftah him. Authorities will put ah dampah ohn festivities, and that would not be optimal paaartying atmosphere. Don't you know? Bloh myself! Al! Wait for me, old chap!"























Stela teams up with Soggy and the Swedish Chef to create a birthday feast

For the moment, everyone's attentions were caught by the variety of unique smells.

"Come on--let's follow that delicious aroma!" I said.

When we got to the kitchen, we saw Stela working with Soggy, the Swedish Chef, and a moose.

"Buzzoff! Buzzin! Fungus! Look! Swedish Chef and moose join us!" Soggy said. "And see--we make pretty birfday cake, cool birfday cake, and Spam cake. And also Spam appetizers. Because Soggy hear that Alice Cooper love Spam."

"I do indeed, Soggy," Alice said. "Thank you for thinking of me. You see, when I was a child growing up, I always loved fried Spam sandwiches."

"They make Alice what he is today!" Soggy said.

Alice was being followed by Alice from Wonderland, the Mad Hatter, and the Harried Hare.

"Oh my ears and whiskers! Am I late for the celebration?" the hare inquired.

"No, you're just in time," I said. "Death Cheese hasn't started playing yet."

"Yeah. Chill out, Bunny Rabbit," said False. "Come and have a nice piece of cake."

"Oh, that does sound good. I hope it's carrot cake," said the Rabbit.

"Rabbit, old bunny, we have several kinds of cake available for your culinary pleasure," Lord Iffy said. "Come, all of you, sit at the table of honor. I doh believe that Mystik Spiral is about to start the festivities. Heavens above--how smashing!"























Mystik Spiral jams

Mystik Spiral did indeed start the festivities. Stela served cake, Soggy served Spam, and False replaced the Mad Hatter's tea with absinthe.

"Alice Cooper is my hero," said Alice from Wonderland. "He's the coolest!"























Quinn, in an outfit designed by Trent's ex, Monique

"Well, I don't blame you there," said Dr. Daria. But Quinn, what the hell is that you're wearing? You look like a reject from the superhero academy!"

"For your information, your husband's ex-girlfriend designed this to my specifications," Quinn said.























Monique also outfitted Sandi

"You think that's goofy-looking, Daria, you should get a load of what Sandi's wearing," Jane Lane said.

"Yoo hoo, Lord Iffy!" Quinn called. "What do you think of my outfit?"

"And mine, Lord Iffy," said Sandi. "I believe that mine's waaaay sexy. Don't you?"

Daria and Jane with Lord Iffy

Lord Iffy had been sharing absinthe with the Mad Hatter. What False didn't know is that Cupid had spiked False's absinthe with Love Potion #69. Lord Iffy was practically drooling on himself.

"Totty, I say to blazes with this bloody contest thing. Let's us, the three of us, go and shag. Right now!"

"Um...Lord Iffy, I wouldn't advise that," said Jane.

"Think of your contract, Lord Iffy," Daria said. "Think of the green stuff!"

"Well, dash it all, Daria, it's the blimey green stuff that made me realize how much time I've wasted waiting to get shagged!" Lord Iffy said. "And believe me, if you birds weren't all committed and monogamous and the like, I'd be inviting you for a good shag as well."

"That's not like Lord Iffy," Jane whispered to Daria. "Granted, he's always a randy old virgin. But he's usually far more respectful."

"Agreed," Daria said. "We have to check out that absinthe. I'll take a sample over to the lab. In the meantime, Fungus, don't let Lord Iffy shag anybody, or all bets are off. And believe me, he can't afford that crumbling old mausoleum he calls a mansion without this 666,666,666,666 Quatloos that FOGNL is going to pay him for completing his contract with them. Come on, Jane, let's get a sample of the Absinthe over to the lab and see what its spiked with."
























Steak Thru the Heart Head Chef Rotten Ralph's man-hungry younger sister, Repulsive Rhonda

One guest that didn't need any spiked absinthe to make her blood boil with lust was Rotten Ralph's sister, Repulsive Rhonda. Rhonda is always hungry for man meat. And the objects of her lust at this moment were none other than the horrified gentlemen seen in the picture below.
















Spooky and Necrobutcher react to Repulsive Rhonda's advances

"Come on, Boys," Rhonda hissed. "Let me sink my teeth into your manly bits!"

"Back, creature of the rubbish heap!" Necrobutcher commanded, striking a melodramatic pose. "I warn you, I know Hong Kong Phooey!"

"Uh...Necrobutcher. Perhaps it would help if you chose a different threat," Spooky said. "I do not think this she-fiend will take terribly serious your knowledge of an old cartoon."

"Will you be quiet? I am trying to save our trouser lutefisks from grievous insult!" Necrobutcher said.

"Well, this is very fine, I agree. But your approach demands assistance. Therefore, toothsome hose monster, observe that I am in possession of a saw."

"Rhonda! Get over here and help with the catering!" Rotten Ralph demanded.

"My brother is such a bother," Repulsive Rhonda complained. "Always interrupting my fun. But fear not, my pretties. I'll be back to take a chomp out of your juicy manhood as soon as I'm done with my tasks."

"My trouser lutefisk is paining me terribly just thinking about her mouth," Spooky said with a grimace. "Come, let us borrow a couple of black codpieces made of metal from Axe Man or Alice Cooper's collection. It isn't the sort of thing that I'd normally wear, but I must protect myself from Ralph's randy and man-hungry sister."

"I don't blame you, old China," Lord Iffy said. "Heavens above! How simply dreadful!"

Lord Iffy went onstage and performed with his Straight Transvestite band. But before Ectoplasm Attack was due to perform, he went backstage to touch up his makeup. He heard moaning and groaning from his dressing room.

"Axe Man! Bollocks! Can't you ever keep it in your trousers?" he demanded. "Or if you can't, couldn't you at least have the decency to take it to your dressing room? Heavens above, but you are the most randy blighter in all the universe!"

"Axe trouser lutefisk in pants, Lord Iffy," came a voice over Lord Iffy's shoulder. "Axe not know what you blabbering about. Perhaps Lord Iffy should make appointment with Dr. Fraud."

"Well if it isn't you, then who the bloody hell is defiling my suite?" Lord Iffy demanded. And with that he threw open the door.

False is caught with the Mad Hatter in Lord Iffy's dressing room

There on the cot that had been put there for Lord Iffy's relaxation if he so wished was False and the Mad Hatter.

"Well I never!" Lord Iffy huffed.

"Oh goodness me," said the rabbit, putting his paws over Alice from Wonderland's eyes. The Cheshire cat, which was riding on Alice Cooper's shoulders, put its tail in front of Alice Cooper's eyes and grinned.

"Lord Iffy!" False spluttered. "I don't know what came over me! Why, the Mad Hatter and I were drinking absinthe one moment, and the next moment..."

"Well, my dear, perhaps you don't know what came over you, but I can tell you who was about to come in you," Lord Iffy said pointedly. "Well, as soohhn as you, one's old bean, aaare done, one suggest you, one's old bean, make your weay to the stage. ectoplasm attack is to perform and one would fancy to doh the eliminations before one watch them. Don't you know?"

"Totty and gentlemen, these eliminatiohn ceremonies aaare getting shortah and shortah. Absolutely top hole - I have to say," Lord Iffy announced. "So I'll get on with it, and then we can watch the rest of the show. Bloh myself! How simply pukkah!"

"Tiffany, as usual your hospitality was fie the thing to mustah the bash staaarted. Doh come and mustah your crest, one's deaaar."

"Quinn and Sandi, your outfits were simply pukkah. Doh come and mustah your crests. One will have to giz Monique an honoraaary crest for creating such cracking frocks Oh stop it! You teases! You make it terribly difficult for this old virgin Laird to maintain his virginity, even without spiked Absinthe!"

"Clone Lammies, as usual, your presence makes everything all the more incredible. You, one's old beans, doubled the pleasure and geay this evening fie by being here. Come and mustah your crests. Heavens above! How smashing!"

"Stela, simply smashing feast on the part of yourself, Soggy, and the Swedish Chef. Do come and mustah your crest."

"Lord Iffy, just a minute," Daria said, rushing to the stage. "I just got through analyzing that absinthe. It contains massive amounts of the hormones that put people into a state of arousal. Combined with the naturally heady properties of the Absinthe, it was pretty well a lethal combination. This is why Jane and I didn't judo throw you when you went for the grope. We were pretty sure it wasn't your fault."

"We could always have come back and given you a judo throw later," Jane said. "In the meantime, we'll just have to confiscate this bottle. It simply isn't safe in civilian hands."

"There will have to be experimenting," Daria said.

"Darren will make a good test subject," said Jane. "He's young, strong, and sexy."

"I think that Trent fills the qualifications for being a test subject," Daria said.

"And I think that I fill the qualifications," said Dr. Schitz, grabbing the bottle. "And so does my lovely and very pregnant succubus wife, Nurse Violent. I'll need this just to keep up with her increased demands these days!"

"Damn!" Daria said. "And I was so looking forward to the testing phase.

"Well, unfortunately False saw dishy to doh hah testing with the Baaarmy Hattah rahthah than myself," Lord Iffy said. "Well I say - noh, if she'd gone aftah one of the birthdeay blokes, Nigel Tufnel, seay, well, whoh could have blamed hah? Ssurely I'd have to forgive hah for that. But instead she gives hah all to this bloohming hanger-ohn. The bloohming Baaarmy Hattah! Whoh would evah think? One does beg your paaardohn, False. It saddens myself, for you, one's old bean, were the last of one's fairies, but one must let you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Of course you, one's old bean, aaare welcome to steay and enjoy the shoh. But certainly you, one's old bean, can doh bettah than this Baaarmy Hattah blightah!"

"Oh, I don't know, Lord Iffy," False said. "He has a pretty big hat rack."

"Bloody well too much information, Lass," Lord Iffy said. "Fortunately Ectoplasm Attack is about to staaart playing. I'll drown my sorrows in loud music, stale peanuts, and cheap boohze. Bring it ohn, clone Lammies! Fie none of that absinthe stuff. Bloh myself! One wondah what will happen when all the bass players mustah togethah and pleay Big Bottom? That will be truly pukkah, one is sure. Goodness me!"

A Fungus From Yuggoth

Daria Art from Sh33p's page

What do you suppose will happen when all the bassists get together to play "Big Bottom?" Stay tuned!