Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 14: Glamour Shots Bite

This episode put Lord Iffy straight out of his mind. Read on and see why.

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 14: Glamour Shots Bite

by Hal Itosis

Hello, Lord Iffy Fans! Hal Itosis here, and I'm so pleased to have been chosen to be a part of this exciting episode. Recently I started offering family photography and Glamour Shots photos at my store, and Lord Iffy thought that it would be fun to get glamour shots of him and the Spiffies. He also decided that he would pick three Spiffies from the photo sessions to go on special dates with. So I gathered up my team of Ugly Betty, Lord James, Anastasia, and Mickey Ratt, and we came to Lord Iffy's mansion to make the participants over. Mickey was really happy because he figured that he could use the pictures as a pictorial in Rattling Bones Undead Musician Magazine too. Mickey sometimes bends the rules a bit. After all, none of the subjects are either Undead or a musician. But Mickey has a real good hook. He's going to ask Shania to pose for him too.
"Shania ain't undead or nothin', but when the fellas that reads my mag gets a load of her, they's gonna have a heart attack 'cause she's so fine, see?" Mickey says.
That Mickey is one sharp rodent!
So we arrived at the mansion, and the Spiffies were really eager to get made over. Most of them are pretty easy to work with but some of them are such divas!

Quinn went with a classic pinup style

Quinn has real natural beauty and loves to be fussed over, but it's hard to get her to stop talking! So we put her on the phone to her sister Daria to tell her all about what was going on. When we were done shooting pictures, Daria asked Quinn to hand the phone to me. Daria said that she was going to kill me because she was in the middle of getting Dr. Schitz and the new High Tech Crystal Ball that he invented ready to make its first prediction.
"I can't think straight with Quinn babbling on and on about her false eyelashes and ten layers of make-up!" Daria complained.
I promised Daria a 666,666 Christmahannukwanzyule shopping spree at my store and she calmed down. Sometimes you just have to flatter people to keep the customer happy.

False's new breasts, courtesy of Dr. Quincy, were over the top
False looked really beautiful, and I like breasts of all sizes, but I think that sometimes Dr. Quincy goes too far with his enhancement surgery. Lord Iffy seemed to agree.

"Blimey, Hal, those titties aaare biggah than my head!" he said. "One feaaars that when she goes to hah job dancing at the Ravishing Woohh Woohh, she'll topple straight ovah ohn hah face! Absolutely top hole - I have to say."

"I think that may be why she's lying down for the photo shoot, Lord Iffy," I said. "Dr. Quincy needs to get some implants in other sizes besides XXX."

Angelique in a strikingly demure pose

Angelique believes that "less is more" when it comes to clothes, so Lord James and Anastasia took a break. The photo shoot reminded me of a classic Playboy spread. It was actually pretty classy.
"Youse is really gonna help me sell this month's issue of RBUMM, Angie," Mickey Ratt praised. "Thanks, Doll."

Black Metal Tinkerbell has been hanging around with Angelique a lot and Angie's ideas are starting to rub off on her
When Black Metal Tinkerbell posed wearing nothing but a "censored" sign over her boobs, you could have knocked me over with a feather! I ended up having to catch Lord Iffy, whose eyes were bulging and whose jaw was hanging to the floor.
"Well I say - gor blimey, Tink, you, one's old bean, can bloh myself any time--I mean, yah blowin' my mind, love! Thanking yourselves greatly!" he said as he popped the cork on a bottle of champagne. "I'm terribly sorry but beg paaardohn, but one finks I've got to change my knickers!"

Sandi knows how much Lord Iffy loves 80's metal, so she went with a look that was sure to please
With Lord Iffy's reaction to Black Metal Tinkerbell's nudity, Sandi knew she really had to do something special to get noticed. So she talked things over with the makeover team and decided to play on Lord Iffy's love for classic metal. When she came out dressed as an 80's metal diva, she succeeded in making the Laird, now in a new set of lacy underthings, notice her.
"Sandi, I am stunned!" he said. "I would be more than proud to have you on my arm at the Death Cheese show tonight!"
"Oh, Lord Iffy, I'd love to," Sandi said. "But can I ask one little favor?"
"Anything you want, one's old bean, it's yours."
"Make sure to get me the double strength earplugs. It would be sooooo unfashionable to go deaf!" Sandi said.


















Bartender Tiffany had the same idea--sort of--in a half-assed way
Tiffany the Bartender overheard Lord Iffy's discussion with Sandi. So although she had been going to go with the Red Carpet style in her presentation, she threw in some devil horns in hopes that Lord Iffy could see how much she rocked.
"Lord Iffy, I'm ready to par-tay!" she called.
"Well I say - well, of course you, one's old bean, aaare, love," he said. "I hope you'll be working the public house at Ugly Grace's tonight soh Sandi and I can mustah free drinks from you, one's old bean. Mwah mwah, Sweetie!"























Stela knows what Lord Iffy likes best about her, and she went with her strengths to inspire his desire
Stela asked the makeover team what she should do.
"It just doesn't seem like ME to go with heavy make-up or pose naked or in leather and chains," she said.
"Honey, my best advice is to go with what you know," Ugly Betty said. "Be who you are!"
"Only with a twist of glamour, of course," said Lord James.
"I have an idea!" said Anastasia.
Stela's photo shoot consisted of her cooking up some Spam gumbo with Soggy's help while every now and then stopping to pose fetchingly.
"Stela, Love, once again you've appealed to all me senses," Lord Iffy said. "And if you, one's old bean, aaare coohking spam scones with that luverly gumboh, you, one's old bean, and oneself has ah date at Outright Wretched Sanchez and Pastah Fazoohl's for an evening of fine dining tomorroh night! Don't you know?"
"Lord Iffy, I'll cook anything you want," Stela said. And as she struck a confident pose, she said aside to me, "These other skanks think they can win Lord Iffy over by showing off their bodies. But in the end, it will be my cooking that wins his heart, I do believe."


















Lammy went with classic sexy too when she emulated Marilyn Monroe (stolen from the Asinine News)
Once again, Lord James and Anastasia got a break as Lammy opted for the no-clothes look. She fell in the pool while staggering drunkenly about and Mickey Ratt got the inspiration to shoot pictures reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe.
"And I think I'll get Marilyn Monroe to strike a pose for me too," he said. "After all, she sang once or twice. This is gonna be my biggest selling issue ever, see?"


















Tiffany Blum-Deckler emulated Cher with this cool red dress. That worked. Unfortunately she also tried to sing like Cher.
Since RBUMM is a music magazine and Tiffany Blum-Deckler is always looking for exposure, she had the team make her up like a pop icon. They chose this classic Cher style. The look worked. What didn't is when Tiffany decided to try and sing like Cher too.
"Blimey--she's got me, Babe," Lord James quipped. "Got me running for me ear plugs, that is."
"Well, she does look lovely," Lord Iffy said. "Yes, quite striking. Do pass me a pair of those ear plugs tooh, won't you, Lord James?"























All eyes were on Drizella when she rode in on this lion looking like a Vegas showgirl
The other Spiffies were complaining about nepotism (or they would have been if they knew that word) when the team took Drizella off for a two-hour intensive makeover.
"You won't recognize her!" Anastasia raved before Drizella appeared. And she was right. Jaws dropped throughout the room when an unbelieveably glamorous Drizella rode onstage on a lion.
"Drizzy--heavens, Love, is that you?" Lord Iffy gasped.
"It sure is, Lord Iffy," Drizella shrilled. Sadly, when she opened her mouth she still sounded the same. But boy did she ever look like a million bucks!
"Drizellah, one loves the old you, one's old bean, but blimey, this new fashion of yours stirs me passion! For the most dramatic transformatiohn, I'd be proud to have you, one's old bean, be my date for an evening of outrageous geay in Lost Wages, Oh stop it! You tease!" Lord Iffy said.
"Lord Iffy, I'd love to!" Drizella proclaimed.





















Alison tried to seduce Lord Iffy by telling him she told him she vanted to suck his blood--and his...
Alison had creeped the team out a little with her request to "make me look like something that has just come up from a cold, dank tomb--but sexy. And classy." So they went with the classic vampire femme fatale from the original Dracula. Lord Iffy liked the look. And he didn't mind when Alison started flirting with him. But when she took him into his bedroom, the other Spiffies got upset. Fortunately, the film crew and I managed to sneak in and see what was going on.
"Oh, Lord Iffy," Alison was saying. "Forget those other sluts. Let me suck your blood--and your stiffy--and you'll be mine forever!"
"One can't doh that, love," Lord Iffy protested. "Much as I'd enjoy the jiffy optiohn, FOGNL is paying myself 666,666,666 quatloohs to remain ah virgin until the end of this shoh. If one breaks contract, one loses everything!"

When Lord Iffy refused to lose his virginity to Alison, she went psycho on him

"Is that all you care about--money??" Alison demanded, transforming from the demure Victorian vamp to a shrieking harpy. "I'm offering you eternal love and all you can think about is a paycheck?"
"Well bloohming hell, love, the only thing I've got in my vault is dust and cobwebs!" Lord Iffy protested. "Ah bloke requires to peay the electric bill somehoh! Once the Kobal powah company figures out that Butlah has our line piggybacking orf the Netherworld Hotel, they meay take exceptiohn!"
Just then Frank N. Furter appeared in the doorway, holding a cross.
"Back, creature of the night!" he commanded theatrically.
Alison shrieked and hissed.
"Oh bloody hell, shut up! I can't bear these histrionics!" Frankie demanded.
Alison sat on the edge of the bed, glowering.
"This one's bloody controlling, Iffy," he said. "I advise thinking twice before you pick her to remove your virginity. Seems she's pretty keen on removing your life force too."
"I think I'm ready to do the eliminations," Lord Iffy said. "Grab myself anuhthah bottle of that Victorian Vintage champagne that Alisohn was trying to use to seduce myself with, Frankie, and let's mustah this shoh ohn the road, what?"
"Oh, Iffy!" Frankie groaned. "That swill is 666 Quatloos a bottle!"
"'Eaaars, one knoh, it's ah bit of ah splurge. but aftah all, FOGNL is picking up the tab. Come ohn everybody. I've made my decisions. Goodness me!"
"Ladies, gather 'round," Lord Iffy said. "You all loohked spiffin'! But one does have to naaarroh things down here, soh let myself tell you what I've decided."
"Sandi, you, one's old bean, hit the metal queen nail roysh ohn the old head, love! We're going to have ah pukkah time at the Deahth Cheese concert. I've arranged simply cracking eaaarplugs for you, one's old bean! Come mustah your crest. Mwah mwah, sweetie! Jolly good show old bean!"
"False, you, one's old bean, loohked fancy ah pin-up queen. Unfortunately, those gigantic bosoms of yours will need to be pinned up if you, one's old bean, evah expect to be able to perambulate without pitching forwaaard. If one were you, one's old bean, I'd ask Dr. Quincy to bring them down to ah more manageable size. I'll bring your crest to you--I'd hate to see you, one's old bean, falling ohn your mush. Goohdness me! Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Quinn, you are a classic beauty! You looked simply scrummy in that 1940's pinup girl pose. Come and muster your crest."
"Well I say - Angelique, Black Metal Tinkerbell and Lammy, you lovely totty had myself thinking of hoh many afternoohns one splashed out with ah classic issue of Playboy in hand. You scrummy beauties were rahthah ravishing yet classy. Bloh myself! Hoh pukkah! Come and mustah your crests. Jolly spiffing shoh, daaaahlings!"
"Tiffany, one is loohking forwaaard to seeing you, one's old bean, behind the public house at the Deahth Cheese concert. No-one slings ah pint fancy you, one's old bean, don't you know?! Come and mustah your crest "
"Stelah, dahling, you, one's old bean, aaare one's main dish! That spam gumboh with the spam scones was ah repast to end it all for! Come and mustah your crest, love. One butchah forwaaard to getting things coohking with you, one's old bean, ohn our date! Goodness me!"
"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, you, one's old bean, loohked fie fancy the jolly hockeysticks Chah. And you, one's old bean, should stick to loohking fancy hah. Not to be rude, love, but I've heaaard nails ohn ah chalkboaaard sound more melodic. Come and mustah your crest, me dishy diva."
"Drizellah, one can't believe your transformatiohn! Noh, dane't think you, one's old bean, need to butchah fancy that all the time, for one loves you, one's old bean, as you, one's old bean, aaare, but sometimes it's spiffing to shake things up. Come and mustah your crest love. Jolly spiffing shoh, old bean! Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"I'm terribly sorry but Alisohn, one does beg your paaardohn, but you, one's old bean, simply must jolly well goh. My toohl says 'eaaars, but my jugulaaar vein says 'hell and damnatiohn noh!'"
"Totty, as you knoh, I've asked Drizellah to be my jolly special date in Lost Wages, but the surprise is that we'll all be going there next week to try and win some money to fund our Christmahannukwanzyule bash. Noh, let's head for the Deahth Cheese shoh. It's going to be ah blast!"
I have to say that Lord Iffy is very generous with FOGNL's money. He really knows how to have a good time! Of course I'll be going along for the party. My new line of Death Cheese merchandise is going to sell big!
Hal Itosis

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 13: Lord Iffy's Wild Turkey Day

Lord Iffy was looking his most festive in a hat designed by Lord James Jacobs and Anastasia, his hair and beard trimmed and styled by Trent's ex girlfriend Monique of Monique's Wild and Hairy Salon, and his nose pierced by Axl of Axl's piercings

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 13: Lord Iffy's Wild Turkey Day

by Dirty Dan

Wow, but Lord Iffy had a great day planned for his Thanksgiving Extravaganza! He told the Spiffies to invite as many friends and family members as each of them wished. It also happened to be the birthday of the great Jimi Hendrix. So Lord Iffy invited Jimi and his girlfriend the Devil Mama to join the festivities, as well as inviting the members of Naked Gymastics for Jesus, because "somehow, they just make any festivities more festive."

Awesome MySpace Comments & Myspace Layouts

False started Lord Iffy's day with a hot, steamy Absinthe and Eucalyptus shower
"Heavens above!" Lord Iffy declared as he headed to the shower. "Well I say - this will be ah pukkah deay! One must be fresh as ah daisy for when my deaaar young cousin Lord James Jacobs and the luverly Anastasiah aaarrive to put togethah my ensemble!"
"I hope you won't mind me helping you get fresh, Lord Iffy," said a very becoming False as she pulled back the curtain to Lord Iffy's shower to let out a cloud of intoxicating Absinthe and Eucalyptus steam.
"Oh, blimey, love, of course one wouldn't mind!" said Lord Iffy. "But you, one's old bean, knoh, my virginity must remain intact."

"But of course, Lord Iffy," False said. "I'm simply going to impress upon you why you should choose me to be the one to remove said virginity."

"Well, I've no argument with that logic, Love," Lord Iffy said. "Impress away!"

Lord Iffy certainly does have a strong will. I know that I wouldn't have been able to wait.

Angelique started the day with a three-way with fellow Ravishing Woo-Woo babe Hotsy Totsy and Happy Wiener fave Scotty MacNesser

When Lord Iffy came out of his shower with False, Brittney was waiting by the door.
"Ah, Brittney!" Lord Iffy said. "Have you changed your mind about being a contestant on me show, old girl?"
"Not in this lifetime or any other," Brittney quipped. "I just wanted to warn you that Scottie MacNesser, that idiot from the Happy Wiener is here."
"Blimey yes! Me mate Scottie! So glad he could come!"
"Oh, he's coming all right. In fact he was bragging about how he beat you to losing his virginity."
"Well, that's a bit of all right, I wot. When was the happy event?" "Just now. Over on your bed. With that Hotsy Totsy skank that almost smothered Axe Man with her gigantic boobs. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go into your bathroom and barf."
Lord Iffy and False looked over on the bed to see Scottie MacNesser sinking his trouser haggis into Hotsy Totsy's Sporran, while Hotsy moaned like the shriekings from the bagpipes of an amateur piper. Angelique, meanwhile, couldn't resist getting in on the action and was coaching Scottie from her position on the face of Hotsy Totsy. "Angelique, you disgusting slut!" False huffed. "Conducting your sleazy skankery on Lord Iffy's bed! You ought to eliminate her, Lord Iffy! She's a total hose monster!"
"Falsie, love, you, one's old bean, aaare ah deaaar to be concerned about myself," Lord Iffy said kindly. "But Angie's doing noh haaarm. She's fie helping my old boy Scottie lose his virginity and fancies to make sure he gets it done roysh. Hoh is things coming, Angie, love? Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Coming right along, Lord Eeefy," said Angelique. "Een fact, ve should all be coming soon, I zink."
"Righty-o, then. Carry on! I'll see you lot downstairs. Hope you dane't mind if one stops to grab one's lingerie. One must jolly well goh for one's fitting with Lord James and Anastasiah. Then the splendid Monique will be giving myself ah new coiff, and I'll be getting ah piercing. Mwah mwah sweetie! Axl of Axl's piercings will be getting the job done. One is ah bit nervous, but it did seem the daaaring thing to doh. Well, cheerioh, old chums. Come along, False. Pip-pip tally hoh! Mustah fancy now! Oh stop it! You teases! You're tempting me soh very much to jump roysh on top of you lasses and give it a goh right now, don't you knoh?!!"

When Lord Iffy went downstairs, he was pleasantly surprised to see what appeared to be two Lammys. Dr. Schitz talked Professor Snewgflo into declaring a truce for a few hours so that everyone could come and enjoy Lord Iffy's party. So Professor Snewgflo and Dr. Schitz arrived with Lammy and Clone Lammy 2.0 as well as Hunky Dory Beefcake, Nurse Violent, and Dr. Schitz' daughter Anna Nicole.
"Dr. Schitz! Soh spiffing to see you, one's old bean," Lord Iffy said. "And you as well, Professor Snewgfloh. Doh make one's self at mansiohn. Ah, and there's my dahling Lammy and the clone Lammy. Mwah mwah, sweeties! Spiffing to see you, again, Mr. Hunky Dory. Feel free to let Lord James and Anastasiah outfit you, one's old bean, as well. They doh ah roysh spiffing job, if one does seay soh meself. Goodness me!!"

Fashion Designer Lord James Jacobs and his adoring assistant Anastasia size up their customers

Quinn thought the pilgrim hat was too dorky, so she asked Hunky Dory Beefcake to help her pick a cool hat because "he has such a, like, great fashion sense."
"Lammy, Hunky Dory is, like, so totally cool," Quinn said. "I think you ought to, like, just marry him right away and stuff. You're, like, so obviously right for each other and everything!"
"But I want to make loooooove to Professor Snewgflo!" said Clone Lammy 2.0
"Well, I totally think you should," said Quinn. "Because I, like, totally want Lord Iffy to be mine. Then we'd all be happy! Don't you agree, Professor Snewgflo?"
"I came for the broccoli," said Professor Snewgflo. "Then I have an important decision to make. I will follow the advice of Lord Iffy with regard to making a great reality show. Then I will blow up the earth or not, depending on what I decide."
















Axl and Monique tend to their victims
"Ewwww! He's so heinous!" Quinn whispered to Daria, who had her hair up in a multitude of curlers as Trent's ex-girlfriend Monique fussed over her hair style.
"I just hope this hair style isn't," Daria whispered to Quinn. "Because these clothes sure are. But I don't want to hurt that Lord James guy's feelings."
"I wish you'd let me pierce your belly button again, Daria," said Axl. "And this time, don't take it out. It would look hot."
"Yeah, Daria, it would!" Trent said.
"No thanks. It itched like hell when you did it eleven years ago and it would itch like hell now," said Daria.
"Yeah, that happens," said Trent.























It really gets the Devil Mama's motor running when Jimi sets his guitar on fire, both figuratively and literally
Then Trent spotted Jimi Hendrix.
"Whoa! That's Jimi Hendrix!" he said.
"Yes it is, Trent," said Daria. "Why don't you go ask him to jam with you?"
Trent instead proceeded to hyperventilate and faint.

Quinn invited about all of her family and friends. From left to right are the newly free and newly out Kevin Thompson, newly improved by Dr. Schitz' DNA treatment to make his zombie self more lifelike; Kevin's soon-to-be ex-wife Brittany Taylor-Thompson, who has surprisingly graciously accepted her longtime love's alternative lifestyle; Trent Lane, who has fainted at the sight of his idol Jimi Hendrix; his wife Dr. Daria Morgendorffer, who assisted Dr. Schitz with the Kevin DNA treatment and was kind enough to wear the hideous outfit that Lord James made for her; and Jane Lane, who was feeling a bit devilish.

"I'll cheer him on, Daria," said Brittney Taylor-Thompson, the soon-to-be ex-wife of the newly outed Undead Zombie, Kevin Thompson. "Go Trent! You can do it! Yay Trent!"
"Uh...thanks, Brittney," said Daria. "Jane, could you pass me a slice of pizza? And maybe a bottle of Irish whiskey? And could you tell me straight up if I look like an ass? I'm afraid to look in the mirror!"
"You look hot, Daria," Kevin said.
"Thanks Kevin. Coming from you, that means so much."
"I hope I look hot. I'm looking for that Dr. Frank N. Furter that Lord Iffy is friends with. That's the kind of stud a BMOC like me wants to be seen with!"
"Kevin, you haven't been anywhere near a campus since your second senior year at Lawndale," Jane said.
"Yeah I have, Jane. I'm the assistant coach over at Miskatonic University for the Fighting Cephalopods! Aubvey got me the job."
"You have to admit, Jane, that's got to be Kevin's dream job. Don't you know?" Lord Iffy said as he approached wearing his festive ensemble. "The blokes ohn the Cephalopod team aaare of legal age and aftah each game there's ah hot steamy lockah roohm full of them. Heavens above! How smashing for you, Kevin!"
"Sounds dreamy," Jane quipped. "Except for 2/3 of that team aren't even human, and 1/3 of the remaining third aren't alive."

Black Metal Tinkerbell opted for an elegant look

Just then Black Metal Tinkerbell entered the room wearing an elegant gown.

"Black Metal Tinkerbell! My, how spiffing you look!" Lord Iffy proclaimed. "Truly a vision! Wouldn't you lot agree?"
"I think she looks like the Thanksgiving turkey!" Quinn giggled.
"Maybe, but not nearly so much as that," said Daria, pointing in the direction of Tiffany Blum-Deckler."
"Now just what point do you suppose she's trying to make?" Jane mused.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler, on the other hand, seems to have pilgrims and shepherds confused

"Oh, Lord Iffy," said Tiffany in her husky voice. "Just look at my genuine Pilgrim costume. Isn't it smashing and stuff?"
"Blimey, Love, it certainly is! Very lacy, elegant and all! History be damned when you can look so bloody amazing, what?"
"I think we're all damned," Daria said. "I just don't know what to make of this hairdo that Monique gave me. Jane! Do you suppose she's trying to get back together with Trent?"

Shania Twain brought her son and her sisters to enjoy Thanksgiving with her and Lord Iffy

Jane's reply was drowned out by the whoop of joy that Lord Iffy gave when he saw Shania approaching with two women and a boy.
"Shania, me salvation!" Lord Iffy said enthusiastically. "Has Dr. Schitz cloned you as well?"
"No, Lord Iffy," Shania laughed. "These are my sisters and my son."
"Blimey! well, it's roysh spiffing to meet the lot of you! Doh come in. It seems that Sandi is about to giz ah lecture ohn the evils of Thanksgiving goodies. One ssurely dane't think this strapping lad requires to giz it ah jiffy thought, but you totty meay wish to listen, one suppose. Jolly good show old bean!"

Sandi warns the partygoers about the horror of Thanksgiving Lard Ass

"Sure--if they want to be exposed to the depths of the inane," Jane quipped.
"Well, I think people SHOULD listen!" PANSI declared. "After all, there's nothing worse than having a fat butt. Except for having a fat butt that hasn't been painted purple."

Drizella invited Anastasia and their mother Lady Tremaine. They are seen with Anna Nicole Schitz and Shania Twain's son, Eja

In the meantime, Drizella had rounded up her sister and mother, plus Shania's son and Anna Nicole Schitz to take a picture with her.
"Isn't this nice, having all the families together?" she said. "Oh, we'll have ever so much fun! Lord Iffy, I've helped to prepare the dinner myself!"
"Well, that should certainly take a miracle to keep down, if anyone can swallow it in the first place," Brittney said as she walked by. "Hey, I have a great idea! Let's all go play dress-up in Lord Iffy's closet!"
"Gosh, that does sound like fun!" Emrald said. "Come on, Kids, let's go make ourselves beautiful!"

Lord Iffy said he wanted a good all-American Thanksgiving, so Drizella, Stela and Soggy served the food on TV dinner trays

With Drizella's help, Stela and Soggy made a true all-American feast. They served the dinner in aluminum TV trays. Lord Iffy had gone to help the kids learn to put on makeup properly. And when they came downstairs for dinner, their parents looked really surprised. But the reactions of Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent were a bit different from Shania's reaction.
"Oh, Anna Nicole! Don't you just look so very grown up!" Dr. Schitz declared proudly.
"I love how Lord Iffy's heavy hand with that eyeshadow makes her look a bit demonic," said Nurse Violent.
"Um...so, Eja," Shania said, forcing a smile. "Did you have fun playing with Uncle Iffy's things?"
"Uncle Iffy is a lot of fun, Mom," said Eja. "He told me all about his nanny Mr. Charlie, and how Mr. Charlie taught him all about makeup and clothes."
"Well, of course all performers do need to know such things," Shania said, looking as if she was about to choke on the turkey she'd just taken a bite of. "And you do come from something of a show-business family."

Bartender Tiffany served one drink to herself for every drink she served everyone else. She called her pals Amy Winehouse and Crackhead Heddy to come over and commiserate about being so wasted.

As usual, Bartender Tiffany served herself a drink for every drink she served everyone else. She was so drunk that she ended up sending a little gift down the toilet for Arsewipe.
"Tiffany, Love, maybe you'd best slow down on the old alky," Lord Iffy said kindly.
"You no, Shiffy, I shink you are too right," said Tiffany. "I just can't do it like a used to. I'm going to call my frendsh Amy and Heddy and cry on their shouldersh about it."

Alison was trying very hard to concentrate on the food rather than on everyone's jugular veins

"Alisohn, Love, you've barely touched this fine feast," Lord Iffy said. "Here, why not have a little wine and some turkey?"
"No thanks, Lord Iffy. I never drink...wine," Alison replied. "And not to insult Stela, Soggy and Drizella, but the turkey's quite overdone. I think I'd like a nice neck...I mean nap."
"Oh, Love, couldn't you stay awake for another few minutes?" Lord Iffy asked. "I think I'm about ready to pop off the eliminations, while sipping on a jolly cup of egg nog, don't you know?"
"All right, Lord Iffy. Then I think I'll head over to Ugly Grace's for a few minutes and see if I can find a victim...I mean, a vaccination. I think I'm overdue for my tetanus shot or something."
"More like rabies shot," Nurse Violent said aside to Brittney.
"Do vampires get distemper?" Brittney asked.
"Totty, gahthah 'round," Lord Iffy said. "I'll tell you, one's old bean, this meay be the most difficult decisiohn this old transvestite Laird has had to make yet. Soh let's be staaarted and then we can have lightah heaaarts the rest of the evening. Goodness me!"
"First, one wants to thank Drizellah, Stelah and Soggy for this jolly hockeysticks repast! Soggy, one haven't ah crest for you, one's old bean, of course, but one hope you, one's old bean, will accept this can of Spam as ah token of one's esteem. Totty, come and mustah your crests."
"Angelique, what can one seay? You, one's old bean, aaare full of the spirit of giving, and one believe that my old boy Scottie Macnessah is terribly thankful for your advice in educating him ohn having ah bit of the old in and out with your luverly old girl Hotsy Totsy, don't you knoh? Doh come and mustah your crest."
"Scottie MacNesser actually got laid? I think I'm going to be ill again!" said Brittney.
"False, love, our showah togethah this morning was evah soh refreshing! Doh come and mustah your crest--and you, one's old bean, aaare welcome to staaart one's morning that weay anytime!"
"Sandi, deaaar, thanking yourself greatly for thinking of uhthers and giving that educational lecture ohn the horrors of Thanksgiving laaard bottom. Doh come and mustah your crest. Spiffing shoh, old bean!"
"Black Metal Tinkerbell, you, one's old bean, did butchah evah soh elegant. One must beg to diffah with those whoh said you, one's old bean, loohked like ah turkey. Come and mustah your crest, love. Heavens above! How smashing!"
"Baaartendah Tiffany, you, one's old bean, have ah jolly giving spirit. But I'd fancy to suggest that perhaps you, one's old bean, cease giving one's self absolutely soh many spirits. Come and mustah your crest. Heavens above! How smashing! And how smashed!"
"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, your frilly costume was most elegant! One paaarticulaaarly loved your lacy knickers. But doh be caaareful with that croohk. I'm terribly sorry but you, one's old bean, neaaarly knocked the stuffing out of myself! Come and mustah your crest."
"Lammy and Lammy. Hoh one does love to watch the paair of you totty dance! You lasses seemed ah bit hypnotized by Tiffany's croohk, one must seay. Perhaps there's still ah bit of sheep in your genes. Dr. Schitz will have to analyze the situatiohn. Come and mustah your crest. You'll have to shaaare it between you lot. One hopes you dane't mind. One is as confused as Professor Snewgfloh when it comes to knowing whoh the real Lammy is, or even if it makes any difference. Goohdness me! Jolly good show old bean!"
"Quinn, one's deaaar, your ensemble was certainly cracking. Rahthah ravishing and bold, one must seay! Hunky Dory hairlairh does have spiffing taste for ah bloke that doesn't cross dress, don't you know? Come and mustah your crest, deaaar."
"Alisohn, one must seay one is ah bit concerned about your habits of late. And you, one's old bean, aaare loohking terribly orf colour. One thinks you, one's old bean, ought to make an appointment with Dr. Schitz. In fact, perhaps it's time for us all to consult the spiffing doctor for ah physical."
"Shaniah, dahling. What I seay to you, one's old bean, I seay with deepest fondness in my breaking heaaart. The cracking thing for you, one's old bean, myself, and your spiffing lad is for me to set you, one's old bean, free."

Shania reacts to Lord Iffy's elimination of her

"Oh, Lord Iffy, you can't be serious!" Shania said, tears springing to her eyes. "I love you! I saved your life! Doesn't that prove it?"
"One's deaaar, you, one's old bean, dane't need to prove a thing," Lord Iffy sniffled. "I love you, one's old bean, with all my heaaart and fancy you, one's old bean, to remain for the festivities and to come beck any time you, one's old bean, wish. But dash it all, love! You, one's old bean, saw it for one's self tonight if you, one's old bean, hairlairh think about it. You, one's old bean, hairlairh dane't fancy this spiffing lad of yours raised by ah stuffy old transvestite laird. One makes ah fine Uncle Iffy, and playing dress-up is ah laaark for any lad, but one must agree that it would be ah bettah thing to come visit Uncle Iffy to mustah tips ohn making ah halloween costume sure to win the prize than to be explaining that Papah Iffy loves the totty and weaaaring their knickers tooh. And you, one's old bean, one's deaaar. You, one's old bean, deserve ah bloke whoh has the energy and enthusiasm that you, one's old bean, aaare soh filled with and whoh loohks spiffing by your side. And whoh wouldn't be inclined to filch your lacy things. Please, deaaar, seay you'll forgive this old Laird and that we'll always be the most cracking of mates. One fie couldn't beaaar it if you, one's old bean, didn't."
"Oh, Lord Iffy, you know I do," Shania said. "And even though it cuts me deep, you're absolutely right."
"One is soh glad, love," Lord Iffy said. "And remembah, if any blightah breaks your spiffing heaaart in the future, your cracking old boy Lord Iffy will be roysh there to giz his goohlies what for with me spike-heeled pump! Bloh myself, hoh pukkah! Well, come ohn, you lot! Dry your eyes! Our spiffing lad Jimi Hendrix and his mates aaare going to perform for us and that's always ah roysh spiffing time, dane't you, one's old bean, knoh? Goodness me!"
At that moment, there was a knock on the door.

Bartender Tiffany volunteers Amy Winehouse to take Shania's place

"That's for me, Lord Iffy," Bartender Tiffany said. "It's my friends Amy and Heddy. Say, Amy is a musician, just like Shania. Maybe you could put her in your show as a contestant?"
"Um...I'd love to, Amy," Lord Iffy said. "But you're still married, Love. It just wouldn't be right, one's old bean."
"Thass allright, Shifty," Amy said. "But maybe you could give Heddy a go. She isn't married."
"Uh...i'll giz it ah thought," Lord Iffy said. "And that thought is, blimey, noh! Sorry, but one fie can't be involved with someone whoh hits the pipe absolutely soh much as Heddy does. Still, you lot aaare welcome to steay and join the geay. Fie promise myself you toasted totty shant puke anywhere that someone might wish to porky down, or in something that someone might wish to eat. Aarsewipe always appreciates your donations, and as you all knoh, the gateweay to his domain is through the crappah. That being said, let the shoh begin! Let's keep this thing going all night! It will be a bash to remembah? Don't you know?"
It cerainly was! I learned a lot. And one thing that I learned is that Hotsy Totsy is a great lay, as long as you keep her on the bottom so she doesn't smother you with her gigantic gazongas like she did to Axe Man when she was a contestant on his show!
Dirty Dan

Sexy Sadie and Chuck Ruttheimer

Sexy Sadie and Chuck Ruttheimer get it on in King Smut's feature flick, Ruttin' With Chuck

Who Wants to Shag Lord Iffy Episode 12A: VILE Mayhem

Lord Iffy's gaudy Halloween get-up and wasted visage won him a well-deserved VILE award for Most Vile Outfit

Who Wants To Shag Lord Iffy Episode 12: VILE Mayhem

by Janice D'Ackinson

Lord Iffy and the Spiffies boarded the Vogon Space Cruiser to take part in a special costume extravaganza to precede the VILE Awards show. When Enditall read the following article in the Crappy Times' Netherworld Style News, she decided that her style was so 500 years ago and something must be done to give her an edge over the competition.

The Psychology of the Halloween Witch
by Henry McHenry and Spencer Spencer
Fashion and Trend Psychologists
McHenry: Today's witch. She's busy. She's tired. She needs a little spice in her life.

Spencer: This is the Old Faithful of Halloween characters, so she's probably traditional. But just because she's green doesn't mean she wants to settle for second best where dating is concerned. The costume that'll impress her most: Show her you can relate to being busy, traditional and maybe a little evil by wearing a vampire or devil get-up.

(the article where Enditall read the advice)

Enditall definitely wants a little spice in her life. After all, it's been more than two years since Wolfie dumped her for the Dog Faced Girl and then her new main squeeze the Alien Guy dumped her for Wolfie, and several months since she went into the Tartarus ATF office in the guise of a porcine dominatrix to stick it to the Head Pig in Charge.

"By Uranus, I'm tired of flying solo," Enditall cackled. "I assure you, I will be the winner of the costume contest, me pretty! Then Lord Iffy will know that I have class and style just like him, and he'll choose me!"

So with the help of Soggy and his side project band, the Spammy Pipers, she set out to conjure the horrific great old one Azathoth and implore his help.

Enditall calls Azathoth to get a spell to insure her victory in the costume contest

"Oh great Azathoth," Enditall said, "I'm the unluckiest witch in the Universe. I can't get no satisfaction. I think that Lord Iffy may be my last chance at getting hitched. I need to win that costume contest to get myself closer to him. Isn't there something you can give me to help me?"

Azathoth bubbled about in the cauldron, dancing to the music of the Spammy Pipers. Then a brilliant flash of light filled the room. A moment later a delighted Enditall was gazing at a shiny crystal ball in her hand.

Enditall's magical gift from Azathoth

"Oh, Enditall, this very special gift from Azathoth!" Soggy said. "You just look through at subject and concentrate and it turn them to true form! Now, you throw nice ham and potatoes into cauldron with Azathoth for payment and him be very happy!"
"I'll even throw in a pumpkin pie as a special treat!" cackled Enditall. "This is great! I have that costume contest in the bag now!"

Stela dressed as an elf

When Enditall stepped out into the hallway, the first Spiffy she saw was Stela, who was dressed as an elf.
"O.K. magic crystal," Enditall cackled. "Let's see what you can do for me."
Enditall gazed at Stela through the crystal and Stela was drastically transformed.

Enditall's mystical crystal turned Stela into an elephant

"Hee hee hee! I guess that's what she gets for cooking and eating so much!" Enditall tittered with glee. "Let's see who my next victim will be!"
With that, Enditall set off to wreak havoc on each of her rivals in turn.
















Tiffany Blum-Deckler as a geisha























The crystal transformed her into a gay serpent man

"Oooh--kinky!" said Enditall. "That was a surprise. Lord Iffy isn't gay, but Frank N. Furter might like this one. I'll have to let him know."

Quinn dressed as a giant kiss























She was transformed into a jar of piss

"Well, I'm quite sure that Lord Iffy won't find you terribly appealing now, my little urine sample," Enditall cackled. "I'll be back to flush you later. Right now I have other victims to transform."

Sandi dressed as a queen honeybee

She became Sandiracula, Queen of the Undead

"Hmmm....not much of a surprise there," said Enditall. "She always did strike me as being a blood sucking control freak. Speaking of blood sucking control freaks, here comes Alison."

Alison, the glam goth vampire

Was turned into a Spam Spire, like this elegant snack tray that Soggy enjoys serving guests such as his chums Gracie Allen and George Burns at the Netherworld Hotel

"OH SOGGGY!!!!" called Enditall. "You might just be interested in this. Well, well! What do I see but Angelique dressed as a virgin. Now there's a stretch! She's going into the suite with that corny hypnotist fellow. That's not a stretch. Someone needs to fix her little red wagon! I just don't know why Lord Iffy keeps that slut around!"

Angelique dressed as a virgin, which I must admit is a huge challenge for her

But before Mesmer Hypno could give her the giant orgasm she was seeking, she was transformed into a giant sturgeon

"Lets see you be anything but tonight's feast, you fishy-smelling chippie!" Enditall cackled, skipping out the door to find her next victim.

Bartender Tiffany thought her silver shirt could transform her into a rock goddess instead of a drunk groupie

Fittingly, she was transformed into a bottle of red rum

"Isn't that a hoot?" Enditall guffawed. "The boozer becomes the booze! Oh my--there's Lord Iffy with Dr. Schitz, and he looks upset. I best hide and hear what he has to say."
"Dr. Schitz, I simply cannot believe your dreadful timing, old sod," the already drunk Lord Iffy slurred. "I mean, kidnapping Lammy--what were you thinking, old son? I need her for the show! She's my favorite Spiffy, excepting all the rest of them, of course. Heavens above! How simply...dreadful!"
"Lord Iffy, calm down and stop swilling that shine or you'll never make it to the costume contest," said Dr. Schitz. "I'll let you borrow my clone Lammy for the night. Then after the clone Lammy has sucessfully seduced Professor Snewgflo, I'll let you have the real Lammy back. How does that sound?"
"Well, I suppose it could work," Lord Iffy agreed. "But are you, old bean, sure nobody will be wise to the Clone Lammy?"
"Positive," said Dr. Schitz. "It looks and acts just like the real Lammy. I'm sure that when you see her, you'll be quite impressed."
"Jolly good, old bean. Let's shee her shtuff, then. Heavens above! How simply smashing!" said Lord Iffy.
"My, how simply smashed Lord Iffy is!" cackled Enditall. "By the end of this night, I will be the only choice for him! Oh yes!"

Lammy--or rather, the clone Lammy--was a classy disco queen
(click here to see her smooth moves with partner Hunky Dory Beefcake)

She was turned into a jumping bean

"Drat Lammy! She's about the biggest threat to my winning Lord Iffy's heart!" Enditall grumbled. "Well, a clone is just as susceptible to this unholy magic as the real thing. Show me what you've got, Ball!"
And with that, the clone Lammy was transformed into a jumping bean.
Hunky Dory Beefcake didn't seem to notice or care. He just kept on strutting his stuff.
"Jumping Jack Flash, that's a gas, gas, gas!" Enditall declared. "Let's just see who I can zap next!"








Drizella as Snow White

Drizella was Snow White. The costume wasn't much of a stretch, but in a clever twist, she put on a little play about Snow White's life. She played Snow White.

"Curse that Drizella--she's so prim and proper!" complained Enditall. "Surely she has a skeleton in her fantasy closet somewhere! Let's expose the darkest recesses of her mind, Ball!"

Drizella was transformed into Coal Black, a Jamaican transsexual porn star

"Ooh my--that's rich!" tittered Enditall. "Lord Iffy will certainly kick her out the airlock when he discovers what she's packing between her legs! Oh my, and just in time, here's our dear sweet Shania, thinking she's going to score points with Lord Iffy by wearing that little tennis get-up. You may be looking for a score of love-love, Shania, but I've got something far more surprising to serve you!"

Shania dressed as a tennis pro

She was transformed into a Scotsman on a horse, and a passing Blancmange challenged her to a game of tennis

"Splendid," cackled Enditall. "That should keep her occupied for a while. Of course I know those blasted fairies will be immune to the spell. I'll need to disguise myself to trick them and then I'll get them into the docking bay and flush them out the airlock. This is perfect!"























Enditall's True Inner Self

Enditall looked into the crystal ball and concentrated on her own reflection. There was a flash of light and when she looked again she saw herself--with the face of a pumpkin.
"My true inner self is a pumpkin person?" she said, dismayed. "I was hoping for something more interesting and way scarier. Well, I suppose, after all, my favorite season is Fall and my favorite day is Halloween and I love pumpkin pie. And the Pumpkin Marauder is pretty scary. Well, we'll have to make the most of it. Maybe I can at least trick those wretched fairies."

False

Black Metal Tinkerbell

As False and Black Metal Tinkerbell were immune to the crystal's transformational powers, it would be up to them to save the others unless Enditall could stop them. So she approached them with a worried look on her gourdy face.
"Oh my dear fairies," she crooned in a croaking voice. "I need your help! A dreadful creature has taken Lord Iffy and a bunch of his lady friends hostage! Sadly, my squashy magick was not powerful enough to stop him."
"Well, where is this creature?" False demanded.
"He's still in the docking bay. He forced them all into his dreadful spaceship. When I tried to cast a spell on him, he just laughed and ate my wand. Oh my dears, I know your magic must be powerful. Perhaps together we can stop him!"
"Lead the way, Pumpkin Witch," said Black Metal Tinkerbell.
When they got to the docking bay, False and Black Metal Tinkerbell looked around.
"Where is his spaceship?"False asked.
"Has it already taken off?" inquired Black Metal Tinkerbell.
"No--but when the next ship lands, you two winged twits will be sucked into space!" Enditall cackled, pushing them into the airlock. Before they could respond, she had sealed the door with a magic lock.
"Now to tell Lord Iffy that a tragedy has befallen the other Spiffies," Enditall cackled wildly. "Tonight is the night that I win Lord Iffy for myself!"
Will False and Black Metal Tinkerbell escape, or will they be sucked into space when the next transport vehicle lands? Stay tuned!
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Constable Slutti

Officer Sexxi's British cousin Constable Slutti has her own special way of dealing with offenders in her jurisdiction.

Ravishing Woo Woo Babes: Fannie Fire-Ass

Fannie Fire-Ass is the Ravishing Woo-Woo's hottest dancer!