Kevin Thompson, with The Cheesemeister's rabbit Daria and the Bluebird of Crappiness, plays Jonny Appleseed for the fall festival
That purty li'l gal Brittany Taylor-Thompson helped serve up them thar brews
Lord Iffy vogues it with me, yer good ole Cuzzin Joe-Jim-Bob
Who Wants To Shag Lord Iffy Episode 11: Lord Iffy's Naughty Oktoberfest Down On Cuzzin Hildy's Farm
by Cuzzin Joe-Jim-Bob
Howdy y'all! This hyar is Cuzzin Joe-Jim-Bob, yer good ole Cuzzin Hildy-Bob's very own real life baby brother! I shore was pleased when my sis done said "Joe-Jim-Bob, now that y'all done got yer GED, thar ain't no reason why y'all cain't write for the Crappy Times an' have a good side job reportin'." An I reckon, what's more fun to write about than a big ole party with booze, babes, an' bands. In case y'all gals are wonderin', this here good ole boy is single an' rarin' to go!
I had my eye on that purty li'l gal Brittany who was a-servin' the beers, but Hildy done told me that she was married to that thar Kevin feller who wuz a-playin the pert o' Johnny Appleseed fer the festivities. That li'l gal Quinn said that Brittany's husband Kevin ain't exactly the most faithful cuss, though, so I asked Quinn to let Brittany know real subtle-like that iffen she ever gits sick of her husband playin' around behind the north forty, she kin come find a real man in Cuzzin Joe-Jim-Bob. On the other hand, iffen Quinn ever decides that she ain't keen on a feller that wears ladies undies or iffen Lord Iffy decides to give her the ole heave-ho, I'm happy to show that li'l gal a good time too!
Well, in case y'all were wonderin' what the heck was goin' on down on Hildy an' Virgil-Joe's farm, it's that time of year fer drinkin' beer an' puttin' up fall-type decorations, an' havin' a big ole hootenanny! Y'all probly heard of Woodstock by now, but Netherstock is even better! Not only do y'all have them good ole bands from back in the day, but y'all git to see some new talent too!
Janis Joplin done came out an' sang a few tunes to git things a-rollin', an' me an' Lord Iffy was a-talkin' about how much we jest love her.
Well, Quinn done got the idear that iffen Lord Iffy likes Janis so much, he'd probly like her singin' like Janis, an' ever since she done took that guitar lesson from her brother-in-law Trent on the last show, the pore li'l gal thinks she got musical talent, and ain't no-one mean enough to tell her the truth. Janis was real nice about it, she let Quinn come up an' sing along with her on Piece o' My Heart. Unfortunately, Quinn's voice sounded like one of them thar ukeleles that ain't bin tuned since the Hawaiian Islands done formed, but we all done clapped anyways out of the kindness of our hearts, an' Janis gave Quinn a big hug an' said "thanks fer singin' along with me, Honey," an' then when Quinn done got down off the stage, Janis done took the cotton outta her ears an' we-uns were shore glad to hear her singin' her own stuff without Quinn's help!
Bartender Tiffany was really in her element
This hyar festival was jest bartender Tiffany's kind of thing, but sometimes I think that li'l gal takes her job a li'l too serious. She even tried to take over the bouncer's job at the beginning an' she done offended a bunch of the groupies.
Shore was nice to hear Poison do this here song. It's one of my most favorite ones.
Shore was nice to hear Poison do this here song. It's one of my most favorite ones.
Something's Different about Alison
That thar Alison gal is always dressin' in black an' stuff, so I don't know what the heck Lord Iffy meant when he said there's somethin' different about her.
"She don't look no different to me, Lord Iffy," I done said.
"Well, blimey, Joe-Jim, there is something different. Evah since she assisted that Teague Valenti bloke in his emergency medicine class, she's bin acting peculiaaar. Why, this morning one found hah hanging by hah knees in the closet instead of sleeping in hah bed, and she asked myself if one could come beck latah since she'd fie gotten to kip. I said to her, Oh stop it! You tease! And then she asked me to come hang out with hah and told me she vanted to suck my blood. So you tell me, Old China. Is that odd behavior or what, old bean?"
"Well, Lord Iffy," I done said, "I reckon it would be odd behavior for anyone else. But fer one of them that Goffs, it's prob'ly par fer the course."
"Well, blimey, Joe-Jim, there is something different. Evah since she assisted that Teague Valenti bloke in his emergency medicine class, she's bin acting peculiaaar. Why, this morning one found hah hanging by hah knees in the closet instead of sleeping in hah bed, and she asked myself if one could come beck latah since she'd fie gotten to kip. I said to her, Oh stop it! You tease! And then she asked me to come hang out with hah and told me she vanted to suck my blood. So you tell me, Old China. Is that odd behavior or what, old bean?"
"Well, Lord Iffy," I done said, "I reckon it would be odd behavior for anyone else. But fer one of them that Goffs, it's prob'ly par fer the course."
Fer my 666 Quatloos, Lord Iffy would be makin' a durn good decision iffen he chose that li'l gal Stela. Fer one thing, thar ain't nothin' like a gal that kin really cook, an' this gal don't love nothin' better than cookin'. And it shore don't hurt that her best friend is that thar Soggy critter. Havin' Soggy around would be like havin' a good ole faithful hound dog that kin cook! And jest to let Stela know, iffen Lord Iffy ain't innerested in her, Cuzzin Joe-Jim-Bob could shore find a spot fer her in my ole cabin! I mean, what gal could resist this?
Home Sweet Home an' me settin' out front
Kizz Myass can't resist peeking under Sandi's skirt during the Irish Dance
Lord Iffy's pal Kizz Myass is a Leprechaun an' a member of the Straight Transvestite's club. This time he was dressed in regular clothes fer a feller but I know he was still wearin' ladies undergarments 'cause he done showed Lord Iffy the panties he done got on sale from Hal Itosis.
Lord Iffy said "Blimey, Mate, I've got to get meself some of those! Heavens above, how smashing!!"
Then Kizz, Sandi Griffin and Tiffany Blum-Deckler done got onstage to do a good ole Irish dance. That thar Kizz may like to dress like a gal, but he shore ain't no homo, 'cause he jest couldn't resist lifting up Sandi's skirt while they was a-dancin'.
Lord Iffy said "Blimey, Mate, I've got to get meself some of those! Heavens above, how smashing!!"
Then Kizz, Sandi Griffin and Tiffany Blum-Deckler done got onstage to do a good ole Irish dance. That thar Kizz may like to dress like a gal, but he shore ain't no homo, 'cause he jest couldn't resist lifting up Sandi's skirt while they was a-dancin'.
"Faith and begorrah, Sandi, you look far finer in those panties than I," he said, an' his shillelagh was a-pointin' north.
"That's why I wore the shorts, Sandi," Tiffany said. "So he couldn't do that to me."
When Lammy done got up to do her li'l dance, pore ole Kizz' shillelagh done tore right through his trousers.
"Faith an' begorrah, I've ruined me new panties!" he exclaimed, covering his telltale staff with his hat.
Even though Lord Iffy done eliminated them from the show, there ain't no hard feelings between Drizella, her mama Lady Tremaine an' her sister Anastasia. There also ain't no hard feelings between these gals an' their stepsister Cinderella these days. In fact the whole family done participated in a fun play with show tunes fer everyone to sing along to!
"That's why I wore the shorts, Sandi," Tiffany said. "So he couldn't do that to me."
When Lammy done got up to do her li'l dance, pore ole Kizz' shillelagh done tore right through his trousers.
"Faith an' begorrah, I've ruined me new panties!" he exclaimed, covering his telltale staff with his hat.
Even though Lord Iffy done eliminated them from the show, there ain't no hard feelings between Drizella, her mama Lady Tremaine an' her sister Anastasia. There also ain't no hard feelings between these gals an' their stepsister Cinderella these days. In fact the whole family done participated in a fun play with show tunes fer everyone to sing along to!
Soggy even jumped up onstage to play a flute duet with Anastasia. That shore was great!
Shania played a purty song that was kinda sad
Well, what would a fall festival be without some singin from a fine gal like Shania Twain? This good ole gal's ex husband shore is a dang fool! Once again, I jest want to make it plain. Iffen Lord Iffy ain't innerested, she can call good ole Cuzzin Joe-Jim-Bob at 666-COUNTRY an' I'll take care of her!
The band Mercyful Fate opened fer Death Cheese, an' the fairies, Tricksy, False an' Black Metal Tinkerbell got up onstage an' danced with them.
Enditall tried to dance with Mercyful Fate too but she was so wasted she jest fell off the stage. So she joined Nurse Violent an' Dr. Schitz in the medical shack. Nurse Violent shore got a kick outta Enditall's dance!
Enditall has bin in a couple of videos with Death Cheese,so click hyar iffen y'all wanna check her out! She ain't exactly my type, but heck, thar's someone fer everyone, ain't there? Iffen Arsewipe kin hook up, anyone can!
Enditall has bin in a couple of videos with Death Cheese,so click hyar iffen y'all wanna check her out! She ain't exactly my type, but heck, thar's someone fer everyone, ain't there? Iffen Arsewipe kin hook up, anyone can!
False got up onstage and danced with Death Cheese. She's jest a dancin' fool!
Angelique entertains Death Cheese roadie Krome Dome
After the show we done headed backstage. But Angelique an' Death Cheese's roadie Krome Dome had already beat us to it. Their activities shore was an eye-opener! In fact I done thought Lord Iffy's eyeballs was a-gonna pop right outa his head!
Somethin' wasn't settin' well with Black Metal Tinkerbell. Maybe it was the Spam Burgers.
Afore Lord Iffy could make words come out from his yap, he done heard a sad li'l whimperin' sound. He looked around an' he seen Black Metal Tinkerbell settin' thar a-weepin' fit to overflow the dam! Now, one thing I'll say fer Lord Iffy, he's got a soft spot in his heart or his head or somethin' for them thar fairies. He done fergot all about Angelique an' Krome Dome an' went over to see iffen he could help Tink.
"Black Metal Tinkerbell, what's the trouble, Love?" Lord Iffy done asked. "Aren't you feeling up to snuff?"
"No, not really, Lord Iffy," Black Metal Tinkerbell done said."Well, why don't you tell me all about it, old bean?"
"Oh, Lord Iffy...it's just that some people do the dirtiest, most low down things..."
"Oh, you, one's old bean, mean Angelique and Krome Dome? Well, dahling, one oughtn't worry one's self about it toohh much. That's fie Angelique's weay. Some birds giz their mates ah hug and perhaps ah pat ohn the posterior if they're feeling frisky. Angelique gives hah mates ah sucky sucky to shoh that she loves them."
All of a sudden we done heard the most fearsome gruntin' an' a groanin' like the time that a wild boar done got into the hawg pen.
"Hildy, that thar wild boar's back," I done hollered. "Bring the blow gun!"
"You bet yer ass, Joe-Jim," Hildy done hollered. "I'm sick of that thar critter pickin on my hawgs! I'm a-gonna tranquilize his hide an' have that thar Crockodile Dundee feller pick him up an' take him over to the zoo fer safekeepin'. Virgil-Joe, y'all grab the cattle prod jest in case. All right, Joe-Jim, on the count of three, y'all throw that thar door open an' we'll git that sucker."
"I'm ready, Hildy," I said. An' on three I threw open the curtain an' a shockin' sight met our eyeballs.
Axe Man gives Tricksy a ride backstage, with messy results
Thar wuz Axe Man, a-gruntin' like a pig whilst Tricksy the Fairy done rode his ole trouser snake like a rockin' hoss. When Axe blew the gusher, it wuz purty messy fer ole Tricksy. But to be honest, it didn't look like she minded none too much.
"Axe Man, what the hell?" Hildy done hollered. "Why, I oughta shoot you with this blow dart an' send y'all to the zoo!"
"You're bloody well right you ought, Love," Lord Iffy exclaimed. "First I catch this blighter boffing that tart Flowering Kudzu during Mid Evil Daze. And now I catch him defiling Tricksy. The horror of it all! Blow him, Cuzzin Hildy! In the name of all that's right and noble, blow him now!"
"Lord Iffy, I think y'all are overwhelmed, 'cause that shore came out disturbing-like," Hildy done said. "Axe Man, pull up your pants afore I tie yer sausage link in a knot. Tricksy, dry yerself off afore y'all stick to something. Lord Iffy, y'all go with Virgil-Joe and Joe-Jim-Bob an' have a nice swig o' shine to calm yerself afore the eliminations."
"Hildy, do y'all reckon he'll eliminate Tricksy?" I asked.
"How the heck would I know, Joe-Jim?" Hildy done said. "Maybe he's a-gonna eliminate Angelique. After all, she was a-stuffin' Krome Dome's sausage into her hot pocket. Or maybe he might eliminate Lammy fer doin' the horizontal moon walk with that thar li'l green feller she done picked up on the moon. He eliminated Kudzu when he caught her with Axe, but maybe he'll jest blame Axe fer usin' Tricksy to give his ole trouser lutefisk a thrill. Who kin know the mind of a middle age virgin transvestite?"
"Cuzzin Hildy, all the world shall know the mind of this middle-aged virgin transvestite," Lord Iffy done said, bucking up boldly as he done swallowed a big swig o' shine. "Come one come all! Gather 'round and listen to what I have to say!"
"False, you, one's old bean, aaare ah deaaar little fairy and ah most lithe and nimble dancah. It's noh wondah all the bands fancy you, one's old bean, to dance in their videos, don't you know? Doh come and mustah your crest."
"I'm terribly sorry but Angelique, you, one's old bean, aaare ah naughty lass. Yet there is noh malicious intent in your boffing of every bloke you, one's old bean, meet. To you, one's old bean, it seems fie fancy shaking hands. Come and mustah your crest."
"Enditall, one is most impressed with your performance in the latest Death Cheese videos and most amused by your performance today! Jolly good show, old bean! Come and muster your crest."
"Alisohn, your new demeanor is roysh spoohky, yet your attire is absolutely rahthah ravishing. We must wok togethah to design ah halloween ensemble for myself. Come and mustah your crest."
"Stelah, you, one's old bean, aaare absolutely the chef! The spam burgers were all that, love. Come and mustah your crest."
"Lammy, one must thank yourself greatly for teaching myself the moohhn perambulate, although it is ah little difficult to doh it with songs such as 'Dead Until Dusk' and 'Quivering Caaarnal Unrest.' Come and mustah your crest. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Drizellah, what an spiffin' performah you, one's old bean, aaare! Thanking yourselves greatly for bringing your sistah and muhthah here todeay for that spiffing shoh! Come and mustah your crest, love. Heavens above! How smashing!"
"Quinn, your flowah child outfit was simply chaaarming! brought beck memories of childhoohd when myself nanny, the deaaar, depaaarted Charles Huffenpuffer, toohk myself to ah protest rally. One was soh taken with all the colorful gaaarb! Doh come and mustah your crest. Heavens above! How smashing!"
"Black Metal Tinkerbell, one's daaaahling deaaar, one is soh sorry you, one's old bean, suffered such ah little skew-whiff shock. You, one's old bean, and one self must popp 'round to ah quiet suppah togethah and then splash out ah deay doing some quality shopping. That should cheah you, one's old bean! Come and mustah your crest."
"Well I say - Sandi and Tiffany Blum-Decklah, that was ah roysh smaaart dance that you, one's old bean, did with kizz! One does enjoy ah spiffing Irish jig, and ah shoh of lacy knickers. One must seay, Sandi, they did butchah more fetching ohn you, one's old bean, than ohn kizz--sorry, Kizz, old bean, noh offense meant. Come and mustah your crests, totty."
"Well I say - uhthah Tiffany, as always your baaartending skills aaare second only to your drinking skills. Thanking yourself greatly for trying to defend myself against the evil groupies. Come and mustah your crest. Mwah mwah, sweetie!"
"Shaniah, one does hope you'll come sing a somebody done somebody wrong song for this chap tonight. One needs your luverly voice to soohthe the pain that's in my heaaart. Come and mustah your crest. Jolly good show as usual, old bean!"
"Well I say - Tricksy, hairlairh! The axe chap??? Why must it always be the Axe chap with you birds? What the bleedin' hell does that rottah have that one haven't got? Uhthah than ah laaargah than normal shaaarp toohl, of course. One does beg your paaardohn, but if it's the Axe blighter that you, one's old bean, fancy, it's the Axe blighter you, one's old bean, aaare free to have noh. If it had bin anyone else, perhaps one could have forgiven. But this fie cuts to the quick! Gor blimey, Joe-Jim, bring myself anuhthah swig of that 'shine, shant you, one's old bean? One sweaaar, this has bin ah bloh to the gut!"
"Totty, we need to prepaaare for the VILE awaaards. One is going to have me old chinah Hal Itosis come down to Findidnann hall and doh some fittings for us soh we'll butchah our most pukkah. One seay we prepaaare ah luverly bash to thank him for his time. But for noh, let's get blasted and have ah blast with Cuzzin Hildy and hah kinfolk! Heavens above! How smashing!"
Lord Iffy done got over Tricksy purty quick. Or at least he done got drunk enough that he fergot all about her and about his cockamamie idear of tryin' to fight Axe Man. Trust me when I say I reckon Lord Iffy is a better lover than he is a fighter, an' considerin' that he ain't never got laid in 50 years, he cain't be much of a lover!
Cuzzin Joe-Jim-Bob
"Hildy, do y'all reckon he'll eliminate Tricksy?" I asked.
"How the heck would I know, Joe-Jim?" Hildy done said. "Maybe he's a-gonna eliminate Angelique. After all, she was a-stuffin' Krome Dome's sausage into her hot pocket. Or maybe he might eliminate Lammy fer doin' the horizontal moon walk with that thar li'l green feller she done picked up on the moon. He eliminated Kudzu when he caught her with Axe, but maybe he'll jest blame Axe fer usin' Tricksy to give his ole trouser lutefisk a thrill. Who kin know the mind of a middle age virgin transvestite?"
"Cuzzin Hildy, all the world shall know the mind of this middle-aged virgin transvestite," Lord Iffy done said, bucking up boldly as he done swallowed a big swig o' shine. "Come one come all! Gather 'round and listen to what I have to say!"
"False, you, one's old bean, aaare ah deaaar little fairy and ah most lithe and nimble dancah. It's noh wondah all the bands fancy you, one's old bean, to dance in their videos, don't you know? Doh come and mustah your crest."
"I'm terribly sorry but Angelique, you, one's old bean, aaare ah naughty lass. Yet there is noh malicious intent in your boffing of every bloke you, one's old bean, meet. To you, one's old bean, it seems fie fancy shaking hands. Come and mustah your crest."
"Enditall, one is most impressed with your performance in the latest Death Cheese videos and most amused by your performance today! Jolly good show, old bean! Come and muster your crest."
"Alisohn, your new demeanor is roysh spoohky, yet your attire is absolutely rahthah ravishing. We must wok togethah to design ah halloween ensemble for myself. Come and mustah your crest."
"Stelah, you, one's old bean, aaare absolutely the chef! The spam burgers were all that, love. Come and mustah your crest."
"Lammy, one must thank yourself greatly for teaching myself the moohhn perambulate, although it is ah little difficult to doh it with songs such as 'Dead Until Dusk' and 'Quivering Caaarnal Unrest.' Come and mustah your crest. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Drizellah, what an spiffin' performah you, one's old bean, aaare! Thanking yourselves greatly for bringing your sistah and muhthah here todeay for that spiffing shoh! Come and mustah your crest, love. Heavens above! How smashing!"
"Quinn, your flowah child outfit was simply chaaarming! brought beck memories of childhoohd when myself nanny, the deaaar, depaaarted Charles Huffenpuffer, toohk myself to ah protest rally. One was soh taken with all the colorful gaaarb! Doh come and mustah your crest. Heavens above! How smashing!"
"Black Metal Tinkerbell, one's daaaahling deaaar, one is soh sorry you, one's old bean, suffered such ah little skew-whiff shock. You, one's old bean, and one self must popp 'round to ah quiet suppah togethah and then splash out ah deay doing some quality shopping. That should cheah you, one's old bean! Come and mustah your crest."
"Well I say - Sandi and Tiffany Blum-Decklah, that was ah roysh smaaart dance that you, one's old bean, did with kizz! One does enjoy ah spiffing Irish jig, and ah shoh of lacy knickers. One must seay, Sandi, they did butchah more fetching ohn you, one's old bean, than ohn kizz--sorry, Kizz, old bean, noh offense meant. Come and mustah your crests, totty."
"Well I say - uhthah Tiffany, as always your baaartending skills aaare second only to your drinking skills. Thanking yourself greatly for trying to defend myself against the evil groupies. Come and mustah your crest. Mwah mwah, sweetie!"
"Shaniah, one does hope you'll come sing a somebody done somebody wrong song for this chap tonight. One needs your luverly voice to soohthe the pain that's in my heaaart. Come and mustah your crest. Jolly good show as usual, old bean!"
"Well I say - Tricksy, hairlairh! The axe chap??? Why must it always be the Axe chap with you birds? What the bleedin' hell does that rottah have that one haven't got? Uhthah than ah laaargah than normal shaaarp toohl, of course. One does beg your paaardohn, but if it's the Axe blighter that you, one's old bean, fancy, it's the Axe blighter you, one's old bean, aaare free to have noh. If it had bin anyone else, perhaps one could have forgiven. But this fie cuts to the quick! Gor blimey, Joe-Jim, bring myself anuhthah swig of that 'shine, shant you, one's old bean? One sweaaar, this has bin ah bloh to the gut!"
"Totty, we need to prepaaare for the VILE awaaards. One is going to have me old chinah Hal Itosis come down to Findidnann hall and doh some fittings for us soh we'll butchah our most pukkah. One seay we prepaaare ah luverly bash to thank him for his time. But for noh, let's get blasted and have ah blast with Cuzzin Hildy and hah kinfolk! Heavens above! How smashing!"
Lord Iffy done got over Tricksy purty quick. Or at least he done got drunk enough that he fergot all about her and about his cockamamie idear of tryin' to fight Axe Man. Trust me when I say I reckon Lord Iffy is a better lover than he is a fighter, an' considerin' that he ain't never got laid in 50 years, he cain't be much of a lover!
Cuzzin Joe-Jim-Bob
