Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With Cold Hands

Porn God Charles Ruttheimer Learned First-Hand Not to Play Dirty With Dr. Daria

Chuck "Cockmaster" Ruttheimer Gets It In The End At Exam

by Dirty Dan

Sometimes dreams do come true. High school dorkus Charles Ruttheimer, once known as Upchuck the bane of females, is now known as The Cockmaster and is a coveted super-stud in King Smut's pornographic empire. Smutty likes to make sure that his sexy studs and frisky femmes stay healthy, so three times a year he sends them to get a physical to ensure that they are hot to trot and disease free.

It was just Dr. Daria Morgendorffer's luck that her old schoolmate came in during a busy time for Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent. Dr. Daria rolled her eyes as he jumped up on the exam table and began to strip.

"Nurse Daria---rowr!!!! You're looking super-sexy today!" Chuck declared.

"It's Dr. Daria, Upchuck," said Daria. "Make that happily married Dr. Daria, mother of twins."

"Rowr! Still feisty! That makes me horny!" Chuck declared. "Well, Dr. Daria, I'm still as straight as an arrow, but I'm open-minded. I mean, it would be great if we could both enjoy this little prostate exam, don't you think?"

"Upchuck, I'm not that kind of a doc..." Daria started. "What I mean is I'm still pretty new at this doctor thing and I'll want my supervisor, Dr. Schitz, with me to make sure that it gets done right. In the meantime, let me give you a quick once over."

Daria told Chuck to open wide and she looked at his tonsils. She looked in his ears, then made a show of examining the rest of him.

"Ever think about cutting those toenails so you don't scratch your partners, Stud Flea?" she asked. Well, so far everything looks...oh my!"

"Yeah, that's what all the ladies say when they get an eyeful of my one-eyed monster," Chuck bragged.

"Well, I can surely understand...I'm surprised King Smut has let this go unchecked for so long," Daria said with a worried expression on her face. "I'll be right back, Charles. I'm going to get Dr. Schitz to come in here with us."

Daria met Dr. Schitz in the hall. He was adjusting his fly. Nurse Violent was right behind him, adjusting her bra.

"Dr. Schitz," Daria whispered. "My obnoxious schoolmate Upchuck is in Exam Room 6."

"Oh, you mean the porn guy."

"Yeah, horror of horrors. And he's just as much of an obnoxious sexist pig as ever. I just put it into his head that something awful was wrong with him. Do you mind playing along? I would so love to get even with him for all the times he made me feel like a piece of meat."

"Sure, Daria, I'd be happy to," Dr. Schitz said. "Come along, Vivian, my dear, you won't want to miss this."

"Damn straight," said Nurse Violent. "I'm always up for a good laugh."

Daria, Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent entered the exam room with somber expressions on their faces.

"Ah, so this is the gentleman with the potential case of Obnoxiosus Incorrigiblus?" Dr. Schitz said.

"Obnoxu...Incorra...what? What the hell is that?" Chuck demanded, eyes wide.

"Yes, Dr. Schitz, at least I think so," said Daria. "But I wanted to confer with you before I made a diagnosis."

"Well, I trust your judgment, Dr. Morgendorffer. What do you suggest would be the best course of action?"

"Well, Dr. Schitz, in my experience, it would be best to do Cavitus Exploratus Completus, I believe."

"You want to do what???" Chuck squeaked. "What the hell is wrong with me? Come on, Daria, tell me! Oh my God, I knew I shouldn't have agreed to that orgy with those morbidly obese demon babes from the ninth circle of hell! I can't help it if I like 'em chunky! What's going to happen? Is my beautiful pecker going to fall off?"

"Mr. Ruttheimer, we can't help you if you continue your blathering while we're trying to discuss your condition," Dr. Schitz admonished. "Now, Dr. Morgendorffer, just to make sure that you and I are on the same page, do you feel that the Cavitus Exploratus Completus should be done using Methodus Rotus-Rooteri?"

"Dr. Schitz, I absolutely feel that Methodus Rotus-Rooteri is the most likely to enlighten this Cretinus Absolutus to the erratus of his moronicosity," Daria replied.

"All right, Mr. Ruttheimer, I'll need you to lie on your side," said Dr. Schitz. "This will definitely be more uncomfortable for you than it will for me. All right then, here we go. One Cavitus Exploratus Completus using Methodus Rotus-Rooteri, coming up!"

I was really glad not to be the one receiving that prostate exam! Dr. Schitz also used Methodus Grippus-Wrenchus to examine poor Chuck's 'nads and Methodus Crankus-Shaftus to check his unhappy wiener for lesions, sores, or other inconsistencies.

"All right, Mr. Ruttheimer, all done," Dr. Schitz said. "You can put your clothes on now."

"So what's the verdict, Doc?" Chuck gasped. "How long do I have?"

"I'd say about eight inches, which is doubtless the reason why you're getting so much action," Dr. Schitz said. "Because it certainly would have little if anything to do with your distasteful personality."

"No, Doc, what I mean is, how long do I have to live?"

"About as long as any other fellow your age, unless you piss someone off enough that they decide to shorten your duration. You're perfectly healthy, Mr. Ruttheimer. Physically, at least."

"I knew it!" Chuck shouted. "Never let a girl do a man's job! It's all Daria's fault! Because of her misdiagnosis, I had your fist jammed up my ass and my precious yang battered like a poisonous viper!"

"Actually, Mr. Ruttheimer, Dr. Morgendorffer diagnosed you perfectly." Dr. Schitz said calmly. "But she felt it was best that I perform the exam. In this instance, you should be very thankful that I didn't let a girl do a man's job. She would have been far less gentle than I was, given your uncouth behavior towards her."

"Uh...so this Obnoxiosis stuff won't keep me from being in porn?" Chuck asked.

"It hasn't so far. I don't see why it should at this point."

"So, it isn't contagious or anything?"

"Not to anyone that has a whit of sense. You're fine, Mr. Ruttheimer. Go on back to your dirty movies or whatever it is that you were about to do."

"I think I'll be calling King Smut and telling him I'm taking the day off," Chuck said. "Or maybe even the week. My schlong and my 'nads still hurt like a bastard and I'm going to be walking like I've got a corncob up my ass for a while. Well, thanks, Doc. It's good to know that I'm not going to kick off or anything."

"You're welcome, Mr. Ruttheimer. Come back in four months. And if your Obnoxiosus Incorrigiblus has improved, you'll probably find that the exam goes much easier."

This is why I'm always respectful of the lady doctors while in the office. I don't hit on them until I see them at Ugly Grace's. Then it's on like Donkey Kong!

Dirty Dan