Lord Iffy wanted to look his most fabulous to be worthy to enter the halls of the Netherworld's most fabulous institution of higher learning. So he wore his most fabulously high wig and fake fur and jewels from Hal Itosis' Looks 2 Real collection.
Who Wants To Shag Lord Iffy Episode 10: The Spiffies Go To College
by Filthy FredHey fans of hot brainy honeys! You wouldn't think that the Lord Iffy Show would be Too Hot For Prime Time TV, would you? Are you worrying that Lord Iffy lost his virginity early and so the show's over? Well, fear not, Iffy Enthusiasts! The Lonesome Laird is still a virgin. But a lot of the contestants on his show are waaaaay experienced! I know I loved watching them reveal their talents and I think you will too.
Lord Iffy thought that it would be a good idea for himself and the remaining Spiffies to get some education, so he set up a day at Miskatonic University Netherworld Annex to explore some different fields of interest. I thought this would be a totally tame day, but I would be proven wrong pretty quickly. Follow along--you may learn something!
Sandi's new look heated up Dr. Schitz' DNA Manipulation class and melted Lord Iffy's fishnets
Everyone was surprised when Fashion Queen Sandi Griffin said that she wanted to attend Dr. Schitz' DNA Manipulation class. But Sexy Sandi had ulterior motives. She told Dr. Schitz that she wanted him to do something to her DNA so that there would be no room for doubt who was the sexiest Spiffy. Dr. Schitz said that in his mind there is no hotter woman than his wife, the succubus Nurse Violent, who is a Hellish native. So he combined Sandi's DNA, Nurse Violent's DNA, and the polymers from some fast-drying nail polish and injected them back into Sandi. While Sandi wasn't keen on being poked in the butt with a needle, the results, I must say, were utterly fantastic. Lord Iffy thought so too. His big high wig came straight up off his head and the hem of his fabulous tight cocktail dress was lifted up to reveal things I'd rather not look at.
"My sainted aunt's nightie, Sandi, one feaaars you've made me rip me stockings. You look faaaaahbulous, Dahling! Absolutely top hole - I have to say!" he declared.
"Rip nothing, Lord Iffy," said Dr. Schitz. "Your stockings have melted to your legs. Well, Class, you've seen a demonstration of how to use quick acting polymers to make amazingly quick changes, and it doesn't hurt that my wife has natural shape shifting written into her genetic code. Lord Iffy, if you stick around for the Emergency Medicine class, we'll get those stockings removed for you."
Alison thought that being an EMT for a day would be pretty cool, but she wasn't so sure about the way the emergency medicine instructor insisted that she wear a leash.
Alison Chanes said that she'd like to be part of the emergency medicine class and help Lord Iffy. The instructor was one Teague Valenti. He sort of reminded me of the way my son Dirty Dan looks ever since he dared Evil Ed to give him a hickey and got turned into a vampire. I thought it was hot the way he had Alison peel off the melted stockings from Lord Iffy with her teeth, but I'm not sure that he knows what he's doing, because I think even Cokey LeSnort, who is the lead medic on the Netherworld Ambulance, would have enough sense to know that using your hands would be faster. Valenti told Alison that he wanted her to be his EMT for the day, and she said she thought that would be cool. I still think that either he doesn't know what he's doing or he doesn't trust his assistants, because he put a leash on Alison. Now, I've never seen Cokey LeSnort put a leash on his EMT's Speedy McLude and Pot Head, or even on Duuuuuude, the Netherworld Ambulance Dispatcher, and I'm pretty sure it isn't protocol. I'm going to have to talk to Dr. Schitz about his colleague's unorthodox behavior.
The Art Instructor, Mother Nature
Lord Iffy decided that he'd like to try some art classes next, and the fairies, False, Tricksy, and Black Metal Tinkerbell decided to join him. The teacher was Mother Nature. She was a real babe! I spent most of the time talking to her about art and how much I love art and artistic women. We'll be going on a date this weekend to the Netherworld Art Ghoul-ery. I don't care about art, but I know what I like--hot free-spirited babes who are into body painting!
False mixes her palette
False thought that if the models were naked it was only fair that the artists should be allowed to be naked too, and I couldn't agree more! She painted some really hot pictures of her fellow fairies for Lord Iffy to drool over.
Black Metal Tinkerbell
Whether her hair is black or blond, Black Metal Tinkerbell always looks fantastic. She put her spell on me and Lord Iffy!
Tricksy
Tricksy looked way sexy. If she wasn't competing for Lord Iffy's attentions, I'd ask her out too!
Mother Nature charmed Lord Iffy into posing for her, which deflated my hard-on
I lost my erection and almost lost my breakfast when Mother Nature talked Lord Iffy into posing for the class in his melted stockings that she went and got from the emergency medicine instructor. I'm glad he didn't put a leash on her. Lord Iffy, I love ya, Man, but seeing you undressed ain't pretty!
Enditall's Self-Portrait
Enditall took a mixed media arts class with Pablo Picante and created an interesting self-portrait to give to Lord Iffy. It turned out pretty cool.
Drizella and Lady Tremaine's model Crime Scene Recreation
Drizella enjoys theatrical set design and doll making. Lady Tremaine is interested in criminal investigations. Both like writing stories. So after their class in Creative Investigation with Professor H.P. Lovecraft, and Living Doll Design with Voodoo Lou, they created a story about a crime at Findidnann Hall. They then modeled the scene of the living room with Lady Tremaine, Drizella, and Anastasia working to solve the crime. Lady Tremaine was so excited about the whole idea that she decided to enroll at MUNA full-time to get her Dr. of Mythos Investigations Certification and open her own supernatural investigations agency.
"Certainly some of the moldering old mansions around the Cosmos must have some hidden treasure that I can take a cut of," Lady Tremaine said. "And with my brilliant daughter Drizella to help me recreate the crime scenes, I don't see how I can lose!"
Angelique and Human Sexuality expert Hotsy Totsy show the class a position or two
Angelique told Lord Iffy that he simply MUST take the Human Sexuality class with her so that he could learn some things that she would be helping to teach. Her fellow instructor was Ravishing Woo Woo Dancer Hotsy Totsy, who is also a Professor of Human Sexology. Now, I'm sure not complaining about the show they put on. But I'm not sure that strapping on a dildo and saying "zees is what I vant to do to you, Lord Iffy" before plowing Hotsy Totsy's furrow had the desired effect on Lord Iffy. His eyes got really big and I could almost hear his buns slam closed.
"Blimey, Angelique, that's ah bit of all roysh if that's your sort of thing, one supposes," he said. "but me own posterior has ah sign ohn it that says 'out simply,' dane't you, one's old bean, knoh? Still, all in all, absolutely top hole - I have to say. Or is it the bottom hole you're diving into? It's got me a little confused, I must confess."
Lord Iffy was still walking funny as we made our way to the Total Hospitality class taught by Soggy and Julia Child.
"Gor blimey, Freddie, that Angelique is one dishy dish, don't you, one's old bean, knoh?" he said. "But one thinks sometimes hah tastes meay be ah little well orf for this old laird's blue claaaret. Noh one knohs that some blokes fancy to take it in the can, but myself, I prefah to leave me own posterior as virgin territory, don't you, one's old bean, noh?"
"Lord Iffy, I think maybe she was trying to show you what she'd like you to do to her," I suggested.
"Well, that would be a bit of all right. Still, with Angelique, I must say I'm never quite sure.
The lovely Tiffany Blum-Deckler was a model hostess for the Total Hospitality class
When we got to the door to the classroom, the stunning Tiffany Blum-Deckler introduced herself as our hostess and showed us into the room, which was designed as both a kitchen and a model restaurant. We discovered that Stela was not only one of the students, she was the chefs' assistant.
Stela helped Soggy and Julia Child in their Hospitality class
"Lord Iffy, I'm glad you're here!" she said. "I'll be happy to help teach you to be a really good cook."
"Well, love, I appreciate it," Lord Iffy said. "And not to sound hopelessly old fashioned, just to let you know, I'm hopeless behind the stove. I do prefer if you cook for me, and I think your stomach and taste buds will prefer that you do too."
I had to agree with Lord Iffy on this one. The simple stewed meat and vegetables was flavorful and tender. The night that some of us stopped off at Findidnann Hall to play a few hands of poker when Butler wasn't around, Lord Iffy cooked up something that highly resembled the sole of an old shoe. Of course he was pretty cooked himself--he'd been drinking Eddie's Atomic Cocktails before we got there, so it very well could have been an old shoe that he cooked.
Other Tiffany was the bartender and unofficial Drink Tester
Speaking of getting stewed, the Other Tiffany was the bartender. She says that what makes her a good bartender is that she tests out all the drinks before serving them. She was certainly an active participant in the class, even if 90% of what she said made no sense at all. Personally, I would give her an "A" for effort and for the fact that she was still conscious after all the alcohol she consumed.
Shania Twain Shes Not Just A Pretty Face
Shania and her band show the music students their skills
Soggy asked Shania Twain if she'd like to help out in his music class. Shania's a good sport, so she said of course she would. She brought her band in to help out. It's always great to watch Shania strut her stuff! I just wish she'd wear less clothes when she strutted it. I had been hoping that she'd pose for the art class, to be perfectly truthful.
Quinn mutilates Shania's song
I'm afraid that sometimes my fellow reporter Quinn Morgendorffer is a woman of much ego and few brains. Quinn was thoroughly convinced that Shania wrote this song with her in mind. Quinn ran up to Shania and gave her a big hug, saying that she accepted Shania's apology and was sorry that she'd been trying to kill her, which left Shania looking thoroughly confused and afraid for her life.
"I've learned sooooo much from Shania in this class," Quinn said, "and to show her my gratitude, I'd like to perform that song she just did!"
So Quinn called upon her brother-in-law Trent Lane for help. Trent helped her choose her outfit, which was bad enough. Then he gave her a quickie guitar lesson. What Trent doesn't realize is that just because he can play the guitar and just because Soggy says it sounds good doesn't mean that it really does. Quinn got up onstage and mutilated poor Shania's song. Shania grinned and clapped, but I noticed that she'd stuffed her socks in her ears and that she had a mostly empty bottle of Olde Rot Gut under her chair.
"That was shimply shmashing, Quinn," Shania said, her voice revealing that she had gotten simply smashed to deal with listening to Quinn destroying her song.
"It sure was pretty, Quinn!" Soggy said. "Soggy hope you be special guest musician with Death Cheese at VILE awards on Halloween. Soggy want you, Drizella and Anastasia to help. Together us be big talent. Vogons not deny us the VILE awards this year!"
Fortunately, the next class we went to was dance class, and the luscious Lammy stole the show with her sexy dance routine. It almost made me forget about Quinn's horrific mutilation of poor Shania's song. Shania had also forgotten about the brutalization of her tune, at least for the moment. She drank the last of the Olde Rot Gut and was snoring away on a couch in the prop room.
"Shania shurr is a light weight," Tiffany slurred. "She's out like a light after just one bottle. Me, I can keep drinking all night. How 'bout you, Filthy Fred?"
"Well, it depends on the drink," I said.
"I bet I can drink your ash under the table."
"You probably can, Tiffany," I said. But to be honest I wasn't paying much attention to her. Lammy looked so fine. I love the way she's always forgetting her panties. I was hoping that maybe she and I could get together again sometime. We went out a couple of weeks ago and it was great. Hell, I'm not a jealous guy! If my son Dirty Dan and Lord Iffy don't mind that Lammy fools around with me, I don't mind that she fools around with them!
After Lammy's dance was over, Lord Iffy decided that the theatre made a handy place for the eliminations ceremony.
"Lammy, Love, just stay onstage," Lord Iffy said. "Blimey, that was sublime! Here's your crest, Dear."
"False, Black Metal Tinkerbell and Tricksy, my three bishy and artistic fairies! One certainly had a delightful time in art class today. Come up and mustah your crests, my lovely artistes!"
"Shaniah, what ah fine musician you, one's old bean, aaare, and it was certainly jolly hockeysticks of you, one's old bean, to be of assistance in Soggy's music class todeay. Come mustah your crest, love--nevah mind, I'll bring it to you, one's old bean. Goohdness me, but you've had ah touch toohh much, haven't you, one's old bean? Heavens above, Shaniah, when one isn't used to tying one on, one ought not quaff the whole bottle of Olde Rot Gut in one sitting. Don't you know??"
"Drizellah, you, one's old bean, aaare ah genius with those little dolls that you, one's old bean, make and with the theatrical set design. You'll certainly be ah laaargah than normal help at the Netherworld New Vaudeville Fall follies. Doh come and mustah your crest, me golden dove. Heavens above, Drizellah, you are simply splendid, don't you knoh?"
"Tiffany, you, one's old bean, aaare always ah superb baaartendah, and one has ah distinct fancy of hoh you, one's old bean, popp roysh in and speak your mind. You, one's old bean, aaare ah fine student. Come and mustah your crest. Goodness me!"
"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, you, one's old bean, aaare the perfect hostess! Always soh sophisticated and fashionable! Come mustah your crest, love."
"Quinn, dahling, that was certainly ah unique interpretatiohn of Shania's song, and your Eurotrash style was jolly smaaart. Come and mustah your crest, deaaar. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Sandi, what can one seay? You, one's old bean, loohked simply sizzling! Soh hot that me jolly stockings melted, dane't you, one's old bean, knoh? Come and mustah your crest, my dahling demohn. Jolly good show old bean!"
"Stela, as always your cuisine was simply scrummy. The perfect luncheon, I must say! Come and mustah your crest, me golden dove."
"Angelique--blimey, what can one seay? Your demonstratiohn was jolly enlightening. As long as you, one's old bean, were displaying what you'd fancy for myself to doh to you, one's old bean, we're roysh as rain. Doh come and mustah your crest. You really are a naughty little minx, don't you knoh?"
"It can go either vay you'd like, Lord Eefy," Angelique said as she took her crest. "I'm up for any zing."
"Well, that's the perk of a strap on pecker, I suppose," Lord Iffy said. "One is always up for anything, roysh? Jolly good!"
"Alisohn, thanking yourself greatly for helping myself in the emergency medical class todeay. One must seay the instructor's methods were ah tad unorthodox, which certainly isn't your fault. Though your orf colour colouring and the blank expressiohn ohn your face doh worry one ah bit. Perhaps you, one's old bean, ought to peay ah visit to Dr. Schitz. Come and mustah your crest, love, then orf you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Enditall, that portrait you, one's old bean, made was terribly creative. One will certainly hang it ohn one's wall straightaweay. Come and mustah your crest."
"I'm terribly sorry but Lady Tremaine, one is soh jolly to have brought you, one's old bean, here to Miskatonic University todeay, for it seems that you've found your niche. Goohdness me, but hoh delightful! One does hope it shant put you, one's old bean, out terribly, but one feels dreadful about making you, one's old bean, and your daughtah compete for one's affections, and since it seems that you'll be frightfully engaged with your ah doddle & dishy phrases, it seemed cracking that one alloh you, one's old bean, to doh your studies without distractions. Oh, one hopes that one hasn't gutted you, one's old bean, because one has bally all but the greatest admiratiohn for you, one's old bean, and one is sure to be needing your skills, what with all the baaarmy things that jolly well goh ohn at Findidnann Hall."
"Lord Iffy, you're completely right," Lady Tremaine said. "In fact I've come to feel that you and I are really more kindred spirits in a brother-sister way than in a romantic way, so this is actually a relief. And I'll be glad to help you solve any mysteries that may come your way."
"Oh Mum, I'm sorry," Drizella cried, running and throwing her arms around her mother.
"Never mind, Dear," Lady Tremaine whispered, patting Drizella's back. "He'd probably just borrow my bloomers all the time. But now it's up to you, Drizella. Win this competition and our part of the Boatrace legacy is assured!"
It's good to know that some things never change--Lady Tremaine's main motivation is still greed. But it was cool to see her so enthusiastic about her potential new career. I wonder if Lord Iffy will end up with Drizella. He does seem quite fond of her. And sometimes these plain-looking chicks turn out to be the best lovers. And that Angelique? Hot damn! If Lord Iffy doesn't want her, I'll take her! Not like I go to the Wiggly Wee Wee or anything, but I'm a pretty open minded guy, and if it's a hot chick weilding a strap on, who knows, I might just be talking in to bending over and letting her drive!
But enough about me and my sexual needs. I can't wait to find out what happens next time when Lord Iffy and the Spiffies participate in the upcoming Netherworld Fall Festival. I know there will be lots of hot babes there, and King Smut will be patrolling for new talent. Get ready, fans of erotica and erratica!
Filthy Fred
Lord Iffy thought that it would be a good idea for himself and the remaining Spiffies to get some education, so he set up a day at Miskatonic University Netherworld Annex to explore some different fields of interest. I thought this would be a totally tame day, but I would be proven wrong pretty quickly. Follow along--you may learn something!
Sandi's new look heated up Dr. Schitz' DNA Manipulation class and melted Lord Iffy's fishnets
Everyone was surprised when Fashion Queen Sandi Griffin said that she wanted to attend Dr. Schitz' DNA Manipulation class. But Sexy Sandi had ulterior motives. She told Dr. Schitz that she wanted him to do something to her DNA so that there would be no room for doubt who was the sexiest Spiffy. Dr. Schitz said that in his mind there is no hotter woman than his wife, the succubus Nurse Violent, who is a Hellish native. So he combined Sandi's DNA, Nurse Violent's DNA, and the polymers from some fast-drying nail polish and injected them back into Sandi. While Sandi wasn't keen on being poked in the butt with a needle, the results, I must say, were utterly fantastic. Lord Iffy thought so too. His big high wig came straight up off his head and the hem of his fabulous tight cocktail dress was lifted up to reveal things I'd rather not look at.
"My sainted aunt's nightie, Sandi, one feaaars you've made me rip me stockings. You look faaaaahbulous, Dahling! Absolutely top hole - I have to say!" he declared.
"Rip nothing, Lord Iffy," said Dr. Schitz. "Your stockings have melted to your legs. Well, Class, you've seen a demonstration of how to use quick acting polymers to make amazingly quick changes, and it doesn't hurt that my wife has natural shape shifting written into her genetic code. Lord Iffy, if you stick around for the Emergency Medicine class, we'll get those stockings removed for you."
Alison thought that being an EMT for a day would be pretty cool, but she wasn't so sure about the way the emergency medicine instructor insisted that she wear a leash.
Alison Chanes said that she'd like to be part of the emergency medicine class and help Lord Iffy. The instructor was one Teague Valenti. He sort of reminded me of the way my son Dirty Dan looks ever since he dared Evil Ed to give him a hickey and got turned into a vampire. I thought it was hot the way he had Alison peel off the melted stockings from Lord Iffy with her teeth, but I'm not sure that he knows what he's doing, because I think even Cokey LeSnort, who is the lead medic on the Netherworld Ambulance, would have enough sense to know that using your hands would be faster. Valenti told Alison that he wanted her to be his EMT for the day, and she said she thought that would be cool. I still think that either he doesn't know what he's doing or he doesn't trust his assistants, because he put a leash on Alison. Now, I've never seen Cokey LeSnort put a leash on his EMT's Speedy McLude and Pot Head, or even on Duuuuuude, the Netherworld Ambulance Dispatcher, and I'm pretty sure it isn't protocol. I'm going to have to talk to Dr. Schitz about his colleague's unorthodox behavior.
The Art Instructor, Mother Nature
Lord Iffy decided that he'd like to try some art classes next, and the fairies, False, Tricksy, and Black Metal Tinkerbell decided to join him. The teacher was Mother Nature. She was a real babe! I spent most of the time talking to her about art and how much I love art and artistic women. We'll be going on a date this weekend to the Netherworld Art Ghoul-ery. I don't care about art, but I know what I like--hot free-spirited babes who are into body painting!
False mixes her palette
False thought that if the models were naked it was only fair that the artists should be allowed to be naked too, and I couldn't agree more! She painted some really hot pictures of her fellow fairies for Lord Iffy to drool over.
Black Metal Tinkerbell
Whether her hair is black or blond, Black Metal Tinkerbell always looks fantastic. She put her spell on me and Lord Iffy!
Tricksy
Tricksy looked way sexy. If she wasn't competing for Lord Iffy's attentions, I'd ask her out too!
Mother Nature charmed Lord Iffy into posing for her, which deflated my hard-on
I lost my erection and almost lost my breakfast when Mother Nature talked Lord Iffy into posing for the class in his melted stockings that she went and got from the emergency medicine instructor. I'm glad he didn't put a leash on her. Lord Iffy, I love ya, Man, but seeing you undressed ain't pretty!
Enditall's Self-Portrait
Enditall took a mixed media arts class with Pablo Picante and created an interesting self-portrait to give to Lord Iffy. It turned out pretty cool.
Voodoo Lou is an expert on Voodoo, especially Voodoo Dolls, seeing as he is one himself
Drizella and Lady Tremaine's model Crime Scene Recreation
Drizella enjoys theatrical set design and doll making. Lady Tremaine is interested in criminal investigations. Both like writing stories. So after their class in Creative Investigation with Professor H.P. Lovecraft, and Living Doll Design with Voodoo Lou, they created a story about a crime at Findidnann Hall. They then modeled the scene of the living room with Lady Tremaine, Drizella, and Anastasia working to solve the crime. Lady Tremaine was so excited about the whole idea that she decided to enroll at MUNA full-time to get her Dr. of Mythos Investigations Certification and open her own supernatural investigations agency.
"Certainly some of the moldering old mansions around the Cosmos must have some hidden treasure that I can take a cut of," Lady Tremaine said. "And with my brilliant daughter Drizella to help me recreate the crime scenes, I don't see how I can lose!"
Angelique and Human Sexuality expert Hotsy Totsy show the class a position or two
Angelique told Lord Iffy that he simply MUST take the Human Sexuality class with her so that he could learn some things that she would be helping to teach. Her fellow instructor was Ravishing Woo Woo Dancer Hotsy Totsy, who is also a Professor of Human Sexology. Now, I'm sure not complaining about the show they put on. But I'm not sure that strapping on a dildo and saying "zees is what I vant to do to you, Lord Iffy" before plowing Hotsy Totsy's furrow had the desired effect on Lord Iffy. His eyes got really big and I could almost hear his buns slam closed.
"Blimey, Angelique, that's ah bit of all roysh if that's your sort of thing, one supposes," he said. "but me own posterior has ah sign ohn it that says 'out simply,' dane't you, one's old bean, knoh? Still, all in all, absolutely top hole - I have to say. Or is it the bottom hole you're diving into? It's got me a little confused, I must confess."
Lord Iffy was still walking funny as we made our way to the Total Hospitality class taught by Soggy and Julia Child.
"Gor blimey, Freddie, that Angelique is one dishy dish, don't you, one's old bean, knoh?" he said. "But one thinks sometimes hah tastes meay be ah little well orf for this old laird's blue claaaret. Noh one knohs that some blokes fancy to take it in the can, but myself, I prefah to leave me own posterior as virgin territory, don't you, one's old bean, noh?"
"Lord Iffy, I think maybe she was trying to show you what she'd like you to do to her," I suggested.
"Well, that would be a bit of all right. Still, with Angelique, I must say I'm never quite sure.
The lovely Tiffany Blum-Deckler was a model hostess for the Total Hospitality class
When we got to the door to the classroom, the stunning Tiffany Blum-Deckler introduced herself as our hostess and showed us into the room, which was designed as both a kitchen and a model restaurant. We discovered that Stela was not only one of the students, she was the chefs' assistant.
Stela helped Soggy and Julia Child in their Hospitality class
"Lord Iffy, I'm glad you're here!" she said. "I'll be happy to help teach you to be a really good cook."
"Well, love, I appreciate it," Lord Iffy said. "And not to sound hopelessly old fashioned, just to let you know, I'm hopeless behind the stove. I do prefer if you cook for me, and I think your stomach and taste buds will prefer that you do too."
I had to agree with Lord Iffy on this one. The simple stewed meat and vegetables was flavorful and tender. The night that some of us stopped off at Findidnann Hall to play a few hands of poker when Butler wasn't around, Lord Iffy cooked up something that highly resembled the sole of an old shoe. Of course he was pretty cooked himself--he'd been drinking Eddie's Atomic Cocktails before we got there, so it very well could have been an old shoe that he cooked.
Other Tiffany was the bartender and unofficial Drink Tester
Speaking of getting stewed, the Other Tiffany was the bartender. She says that what makes her a good bartender is that she tests out all the drinks before serving them. She was certainly an active participant in the class, even if 90% of what she said made no sense at all. Personally, I would give her an "A" for effort and for the fact that she was still conscious after all the alcohol she consumed.
Shania Twain Shes Not Just A Pretty Face
Shania and her band show the music students their skills
Soggy asked Shania Twain if she'd like to help out in his music class. Shania's a good sport, so she said of course she would. She brought her band in to help out. It's always great to watch Shania strut her stuff! I just wish she'd wear less clothes when she strutted it. I had been hoping that she'd pose for the art class, to be perfectly truthful.
Quinn mutilates Shania's song
I'm afraid that sometimes my fellow reporter Quinn Morgendorffer is a woman of much ego and few brains. Quinn was thoroughly convinced that Shania wrote this song with her in mind. Quinn ran up to Shania and gave her a big hug, saying that she accepted Shania's apology and was sorry that she'd been trying to kill her, which left Shania looking thoroughly confused and afraid for her life.
"I've learned sooooo much from Shania in this class," Quinn said, "and to show her my gratitude, I'd like to perform that song she just did!"
So Quinn called upon her brother-in-law Trent Lane for help. Trent helped her choose her outfit, which was bad enough. Then he gave her a quickie guitar lesson. What Trent doesn't realize is that just because he can play the guitar and just because Soggy says it sounds good doesn't mean that it really does. Quinn got up onstage and mutilated poor Shania's song. Shania grinned and clapped, but I noticed that she'd stuffed her socks in her ears and that she had a mostly empty bottle of Olde Rot Gut under her chair.
"That was shimply shmashing, Quinn," Shania said, her voice revealing that she had gotten simply smashed to deal with listening to Quinn destroying her song.
"It sure was pretty, Quinn!" Soggy said. "Soggy hope you be special guest musician with Death Cheese at VILE awards on Halloween. Soggy want you, Drizella and Anastasia to help. Together us be big talent. Vogons not deny us the VILE awards this year!"
Fortunately, the next class we went to was dance class, and the luscious Lammy stole the show with her sexy dance routine. It almost made me forget about Quinn's horrific mutilation of poor Shania's song. Shania had also forgotten about the brutalization of her tune, at least for the moment. She drank the last of the Olde Rot Gut and was snoring away on a couch in the prop room.
"Shania shurr is a light weight," Tiffany slurred. "She's out like a light after just one bottle. Me, I can keep drinking all night. How 'bout you, Filthy Fred?"
"Well, it depends on the drink," I said.
"I bet I can drink your ash under the table."
"You probably can, Tiffany," I said. But to be honest I wasn't paying much attention to her. Lammy looked so fine. I love the way she's always forgetting her panties. I was hoping that maybe she and I could get together again sometime. We went out a couple of weeks ago and it was great. Hell, I'm not a jealous guy! If my son Dirty Dan and Lord Iffy don't mind that Lammy fools around with me, I don't mind that she fools around with them!
After Lammy's dance was over, Lord Iffy decided that the theatre made a handy place for the eliminations ceremony.
"Lammy, Love, just stay onstage," Lord Iffy said. "Blimey, that was sublime! Here's your crest, Dear."
"False, Black Metal Tinkerbell and Tricksy, my three bishy and artistic fairies! One certainly had a delightful time in art class today. Come up and mustah your crests, my lovely artistes!"
"Shaniah, what ah fine musician you, one's old bean, aaare, and it was certainly jolly hockeysticks of you, one's old bean, to be of assistance in Soggy's music class todeay. Come mustah your crest, love--nevah mind, I'll bring it to you, one's old bean. Goohdness me, but you've had ah touch toohh much, haven't you, one's old bean? Heavens above, Shaniah, when one isn't used to tying one on, one ought not quaff the whole bottle of Olde Rot Gut in one sitting. Don't you know??"
"Drizellah, you, one's old bean, aaare ah genius with those little dolls that you, one's old bean, make and with the theatrical set design. You'll certainly be ah laaargah than normal help at the Netherworld New Vaudeville Fall follies. Doh come and mustah your crest, me golden dove. Heavens above, Drizellah, you are simply splendid, don't you knoh?"
"Tiffany, you, one's old bean, aaare always ah superb baaartendah, and one has ah distinct fancy of hoh you, one's old bean, popp roysh in and speak your mind. You, one's old bean, aaare ah fine student. Come and mustah your crest. Goodness me!"
"Tiffany Blum-Decklah, you, one's old bean, aaare the perfect hostess! Always soh sophisticated and fashionable! Come mustah your crest, love."
"Quinn, dahling, that was certainly ah unique interpretatiohn of Shania's song, and your Eurotrash style was jolly smaaart. Come and mustah your crest, deaaar. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Sandi, what can one seay? You, one's old bean, loohked simply sizzling! Soh hot that me jolly stockings melted, dane't you, one's old bean, knoh? Come and mustah your crest, my dahling demohn. Jolly good show old bean!"
"Stela, as always your cuisine was simply scrummy. The perfect luncheon, I must say! Come and mustah your crest, me golden dove."
"Angelique--blimey, what can one seay? Your demonstratiohn was jolly enlightening. As long as you, one's old bean, were displaying what you'd fancy for myself to doh to you, one's old bean, we're roysh as rain. Doh come and mustah your crest. You really are a naughty little minx, don't you knoh?"
"It can go either vay you'd like, Lord Eefy," Angelique said as she took her crest. "I'm up for any zing."
"Well, that's the perk of a strap on pecker, I suppose," Lord Iffy said. "One is always up for anything, roysh? Jolly good!"
"Alisohn, thanking yourself greatly for helping myself in the emergency medical class todeay. One must seay the instructor's methods were ah tad unorthodox, which certainly isn't your fault. Though your orf colour colouring and the blank expressiohn ohn your face doh worry one ah bit. Perhaps you, one's old bean, ought to peay ah visit to Dr. Schitz. Come and mustah your crest, love, then orf you, one's old bean, jolly well goh. Absolutely top hole - I have to say."
"Enditall, that portrait you, one's old bean, made was terribly creative. One will certainly hang it ohn one's wall straightaweay. Come and mustah your crest."
"I'm terribly sorry but Lady Tremaine, one is soh jolly to have brought you, one's old bean, here to Miskatonic University todeay, for it seems that you've found your niche. Goohdness me, but hoh delightful! One does hope it shant put you, one's old bean, out terribly, but one feels dreadful about making you, one's old bean, and your daughtah compete for one's affections, and since it seems that you'll be frightfully engaged with your ah doddle & dishy phrases, it seemed cracking that one alloh you, one's old bean, to doh your studies without distractions. Oh, one hopes that one hasn't gutted you, one's old bean, because one has bally all but the greatest admiratiohn for you, one's old bean, and one is sure to be needing your skills, what with all the baaarmy things that jolly well goh ohn at Findidnann Hall."
"Lord Iffy, you're completely right," Lady Tremaine said. "In fact I've come to feel that you and I are really more kindred spirits in a brother-sister way than in a romantic way, so this is actually a relief. And I'll be glad to help you solve any mysteries that may come your way."
"Oh Mum, I'm sorry," Drizella cried, running and throwing her arms around her mother.
"Never mind, Dear," Lady Tremaine whispered, patting Drizella's back. "He'd probably just borrow my bloomers all the time. But now it's up to you, Drizella. Win this competition and our part of the Boatrace legacy is assured!"
It's good to know that some things never change--Lady Tremaine's main motivation is still greed. But it was cool to see her so enthusiastic about her potential new career. I wonder if Lord Iffy will end up with Drizella. He does seem quite fond of her. And sometimes these plain-looking chicks turn out to be the best lovers. And that Angelique? Hot damn! If Lord Iffy doesn't want her, I'll take her! Not like I go to the Wiggly Wee Wee or anything, but I'm a pretty open minded guy, and if it's a hot chick weilding a strap on, who knows, I might just be talking in to bending over and letting her drive!
But enough about me and my sexual needs. I can't wait to find out what happens next time when Lord Iffy and the Spiffies participate in the upcoming Netherworld Fall Festival. I know there will be lots of hot babes there, and King Smut will be patrolling for new talent. Get ready, fans of erotica and erratica!
Filthy Fred
2 comments:
That guy, Teague Valenti, sure looked like Tiny Tim tip-toeing through the tulips. A fall festival sounds interesting, like an Oktober Fest with lots of drinking. That might be wilder than back on the farm.
Be careful, Fred. It's not nice to fool around with Mother Nature!
Along the same lines, I hope the Spiffies don't steal Queen Pansi's thunder at the fall festival.
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