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The Flavor of Axe 10: Operation Romancing the Axe

The shocked expression on Axe's face foreshadows things to come for the Death Cheese stud

The Flavor of Axe 10: Operation Romancing the Axe
by Yam Man

The Cheesemeister simply couldn't believe what a dense idiot Axe Man was being when he revealed that he had fallen in love with Annie, the gold-digging she-bear of Gone With The Captists fame. She said that she was pretty sure that Annie was only interested in other bears and that Axe should stick to his own species, or something close to it.

"Think of the children, Axe," she implored. "Your potential offspring with Annie would be...well...hideous."

But Axe was not to be swayed, so the babes had to be convinced to do the swaying. I was more than happy to help coach the girls. With my pal King Smut filming this episode, I knew this would be a total blast!

"All right, listen up, you hoochies," the Cheesemeister said. "Yam Man has something to say, and you might as well hear it."

"Ladies," I said. "It appears that your man's attentions have been drawn by a wanton she-bear. The only way you're going to regain his attentions are to act more wanton and wild than even said she-bear. Let me spend a little time with each of you and get to know your strengths, and then I can tell you how best to entice Axe away from Annie."

Bootz worked out a really nice song and dance routine for Axe

I advised Bootz that since Axe had already seen everything she had to offer as far as her body went that she should show him her talent, so she sang this song for him and put on a little fashion show. I don't think Axe knows anything about fashion but he knows what he likes. And the King knows what he likes, and he likes Bootz. He says he thinks she's got a great career ahead of her and that she could easily make it on the director's casting couch. I think Bootz' routine worked because after her half hour was up, I asked Axe if she had helped him forget about Annie and he said "Who Annie?"

Seeing that Bootz' song and dance routine seemed to please Axe so much, Lammy decided that she'd sing him a song too. It was a much different style, but Axe seemed to like it. King Smut thought it was boring. He hollered at Lammy to show some skin. Lammy mooned him. I asked Axe what he thought of Lammy's song. He said it made him want to curl up with his axe and a bottle of Thunderbird. Axe was really getting back to himself!

Those were going to be two tough acts to follow and Flowering Kudzu was really shaken. She regaled Axe with her drunken, sobbing routine that won her the part of Tawdry Cattery in Gone With the Captists. Axe patted her on the head and offered her a swig of Thunderbird.

My car is washed and we get a great show!

I never thought I'd be into flesh eating undead, but when Veronica and Veruca Zombie, Hortense Oxcart and Flesh Eating Xantha the Ghoul Girl declared that my ride was filthy and that Axe and I should come out and watch them hose it down, I was agreeable. So me, the King and Axe got in my car. The King filmed all the hot sudzy zombie babe action. I have to admit, I was feeling aroused. In a purely clinical professional counselor sort of way, of course. I believe each of these gals could benefit from some one on one female empowerment counseling from your favorite professional counselor!

"Axe, old pal, if you eliminate any of these rotting undead hotties, you're just plain crazy!" I said. Of course I meant Rotting Undead Hotties in the most professional sense of the word.

When Axe, Smutty and I staggered out of the car, I saw Tanya Tooth standing there. The shark-girl was seething with jealousy. I told her to come have a nice chat with me about taking an active approach to getting her man. Just as soon as I finished watching Black Metal Tinkerbell do her dance.Purely to review how much empowerment the dear pixie might need, of course.

Black Metal Tinkerbell performs her famous Ravishing Woo Woo club routine

It's easy to see why Black Metal Tinkerbell is a favorite at the Ravishing Woo Woo. I appreciated her limberness and skill. Axe was drooling all over himself. At least I had the sense to wipe up my drool! King Smut just loved filming Tink. I almost thought I was working with Austin Powers as often as Smutty yelled "yeah, Baby!"

The Devil Mama put on a cool fashion show

Then the Devil Mama strutted her stuff and it was obvious why she's another favorite Ravishing Woo Woo dancer. I wasn't going to hit on her, though--I was afraid she might fry me!

Brandi's Bikinis
Brandi showed off her bikini collection. I need to work with Axe more often! King Smut declared that he'd had enough of the softcore stuff. He told Tanya that she needed to turn up the heat when she had her turn with Axe Man.
"Don't be shy--Axe doesn't want or get subtle," King Smut said. "Forget the salad and the appetizer--get right to the main course! You need to get down on it and really sink your teeth into it if you really want to win Axe's affections!"



















Tanya was hungry for Axe Man--in more ways than one!

Unfortunately, Tanya took King Smut's advice a little too seriously. And when King Smut told her to back off, it was too late. Her shark DNA kicked in. She had tasted blood and wanted more. We had to spray her in the face with a fire extinguisher to make her let go of Axe's manhood before he was several inches shorter than before in the third leg department.
Axe sat there staring blankly and whimpering before he keeled over on the bed. I called the Netherworld ambulance. Lo and behold, in walked Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent.
"I thought you two were on your honeymoon," I said.
"We were. But there is DNA to be spliced. Our passion is each other, and DNA. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"Your shark woman bit Axe Man's schnitzel," King Smut said. "It hurts me just looking at it! Bad girl, Tanya! That's the very thing that I had to fire Elizabeth Bathory for doing. But she likes getting busy with the old Strap On Veteran Ann Coulter anyway."
Dr. Schitz patched Axe Man up, declaring that there was no real damage done but advising that Axe avoid intimate contact for at least 10 days.
"And this includes your hand and online porn," the doc declared.
"Axe not need online porn," Axe protested. "Axe have harem of womens! But now Axe weenie hurt. Axe do eliminations now."
Walking hunched over and with his hands guarding his privates, Axe made his way to the lobby of the Netherworld Hotel. The women gathered around to hear his judgment.
"This first axe go to Bootz," Axe said. "Bootz really know how to dress--and undress. You come get axe."
"Next axe go to Lammy for cool Axe down after Bootz make so hot. You come get axe."
"Next axe pity axe for Kudzu. She drunk and blubbering. Kudzu come get axe."
"Veronica, Veruca, Hortense, Xantha, Axe can't decide who hotter. All you come get axe! Axe hope you wash tour bus later!"
"Black Metal Tinkerbell, you so hot! Devil Mama, you too. Axe want private show. You both come get axe."
"Tanya, axe have to have ice in black codpiece made of metal thanks to you. You not get gold plated axe, you get axe to neck! Off with head!"
"Axe no!" the Cheesemeister admonished. "You know better than to chop up the contestants you're dismissing. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Cheesemeister no fun!" Axe sulked.
"But I did fix your favorite Mad Dog Punch," the Cheesemeister said.
"Cheesemeister like Axe," Axe Man said. "Cheesemeister get Axe drunk!"
"What's a manager for, after all?" said The Cheesemeister.
King Smut, meanwhile, was chatting up the zombie babes. He said he had plans for one hella sexy zombie flick and wanted them to be the stars. But first he needed to film Black Metal Tinkerbell, the Devil Mama and Axe in some "sexual healing." Unfortunately, this inspired Axe to suggest that Death Cheese cover Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing." Marvin rolled over in his grave, leapt up, and hurried to the Netherworld Hotel to protest. Word has it that he's hiring Shyster Pettifogger to represent him.
Yam Man

King Smut's Contract

The King gives this contract to anyone he hooks up with.


MySpace Graphics & MySpace Codes

Scene from Elizabeth Bathory's New Movie "The Schlong Terrorist"

King Smut's male stars beg him not to pair them with Elizabeth Bathory in his movies. You can see why!

King Smut Sponsors Wrestling Team

The WWF Wannabes and the Swamp Thing were not happy about King Smut's new wrestling team, The Fuckers. Once everybody watched how these porn stars behaved in the ring, they completely ignored all the usual fan favorites!

The Flavor of Axe 6

Hi everybody! This is me, your reporter. There I am on the left as an adorable child star. That's my daddy with me. And on the right is me now. Aren't you excited to see me?

Oh yes, and here's Axe Man. I guess I'm supposed to talk about him since he's the star of the show.

The Flavor of Axe 6: Boobs, Beatings and Boors

by Veruca Salt

The BESTEST new reporter for all the Netherworld media sources!

Hel-lo everybody! Yes it's me, Veruca Salt, your favorite child star that you remember so well from my wonderful performance in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I just wanted to tell you that it isn't true that Augustus Gloob rolled over on me and crushed me after a night of wild passion and that's how I ended up in the Netherworld. No, during the Wonka Reunion Tour I fell into the incinerator, and this time it really was on. It was sad to see my daddy carrying on so at my funeral. He was crying so hard it sounded like he was chuckling with glee. But he's old and he'll be with me soon, I'm sure.

Anyway, it was very nice of Mickey Ratt and those lovely and rich Joozian guys from the FOGNL network to offer me a job. My first assignment is to report on this show, the Flavor of Axe, which I guess is very popular but I certainly can't imagine why. Everyone here looks like a big freak!

Axe Man is some kind of rock musician and he has all these women that want to be with him for some reason and mostly he's a pig and goes around saying "good ass!" Well, today he said that his band Death Cheese was going to be playing a concert on the Vogon Cruiser and he wanted all the contestants on his show to look their best. He said it was going to be a preliminary show for the VILE awards that are in a couple of weeks and I guess that's a real big deal. To him maybe! If it's such a big deal, howcome I never heard of it? I told him if it was any good I'd want it and I didn't want it so it must not be any good, so there, NYAH! But then who should show up but Willy Wonka and Willy Wonka Junior and they're sponsoring this year's VILE awards. Well good, because I'm going to follow their every move so I can sue their asses off for negligence! How dare they have that incinerator on? And I still think I was pushed! I never did trust that bitch Violet Beauregard. And for the record, it was her that was banging Augustus Gloob, not me!

Willy Wonka Senior

Willy Wonka Junior

Mickey Ratt came in and threatened me with firing if I didn't start reporting on dumb old Axe Man and his dumb old show, so I guess I'd better. What a stupid crabby rat! Anyway, Axe Man said that the girl that got his attention the best during the concert would get to have a special date with him after the show. Well, I sure don't see what would be special about that, but these dumb hussies were all squealing and falling all over themselves about it and went to their rooms and changed into the sluttiest clothes I've ever seen. I don't know what they were wearing, but what they WEREN'T wearing was almost everything! It's sad when the classiest ones in the bunch were three zombies!

Veruca Zombie, Veronica Zombie and Hortense Oxcart, the Zombie Girls

That one zombie chick has a good name, I must admit.

Anyway, this space shuttle landed on the lawn outside this crappy hotel where Axe Man and his crappy friends live, and it took us up to the Vogon mother ship. That place stunk and there were all these insects and crustaceans running around. And then this other shuttle docked and I suddenly wished the place could go back to smelling like it did before because now it smelled like an open sewer!

"Fuckin Arsewipe!" Axe Man said. "He think him going to win VILE award. Even Mystic Xenia think him going to win VILE award. But Arsewipe not vile, Arsewipe CRAPPY! BOOO!!!! You suck, Arsewipe!"

"You're just a jealous bitch, Axe," the thing called Arsewipe proclaimed. "Death Cheese may be loud and dissonant, but we are truly the shittiest band in the Universe. Come Dewey, Darling, let's get to our dressing room. Hey, Spooky! Nice ass!"

That tall skinny ghost that takes care of all those slimy squid looking things looked like he wanted to really kill the Arsewipe thing and I can't say I blamed him. I also can't say I blamed him for not hitting it. If there's one thing that is true in this life--and unlife--it is that shit splatters. Don't ask me how I know that. But that hillbilly with the bad teeth that's Arsewipe's boyfriend didn't take too kindly to Arsewipe telling the Spooky fellow that he has a nice ass. I had to run and throw up in a nearby garbage chute when Arsewipe kissed the hillbilly and said "Aww, Dewey, Honey, I only did it to upset him. I just love getting his goat. But I love it even more when you and me get it on with goats together."

I got pretty upset at the spooky fellow when he almost pushed me down the garbage chute so he could puke in it. After all, I have a dreadful fear of falling down one of those things into an incinerator again! I punched him in the arm and told him to be careful. But he didn't seem to care too much. He took a box out of his pocket and for a minute I thought he was going to propose to me. But in the box were earplugs.

"You're new here," he said. "Trust me, you shall want these."

I'm glad he gave me the earplugs or I probably wouldn't be able to finish my report. First that horrible Crappy band went on. It was the most horrible thing I ever heard, and that's even with the earplugs!

The Crappy Crew's fan base consists mostly of turds. The Arsewipe thing is in the middle. He's surrounded by his backup singers Britney on the left and Lacey on the right, by his drummer Leisure Suit Loser and bassist Crappy Creep at the top, and by lead singer Shat the Ripper at the bottom.

I left until the Crappy Crew was done playing. I couldn't bear the stink. Then Death Cheese went onstage after it had been hosed down with 666x strength industrial disinfectant. I was right in the front row with all the bimbos who were trying to show Axe Man who was the hottest. Between the boobs onstage and the boobs being flashed at the boobs onstage, I've never seen so many boobs in my life! And then horror of horrors, four of the boobs, or maybe that's two boobs with four boobs between them, got on the stage and started performing with the band!

Hottie joins Axe Man and his band onstage















And so does Brandi. Singing looks like it hurts her. I know her singing hurt me! I'm going to have to tell that Spooky fellow that he needs to buy stronger earplugs!

Just when I thought things couldn't get any crazier, that Flesh Eating Xantha she-ghoul and Tanya Tooth, who I understand has real shark DNA, started wrestling around the stage taking bites out of each other!

Tanya Tooth and Flesh Eating Xantha put the bite on each other

I swear, Axe Man is so DUMB! He started cheering, saying "Yeah! Girl on girl HOT!"

I yelled at him, "Axe Man, they aren't playing lesbian, they're trying to eat each other!"

I guess that was the wrong thing to say! He started unzipping his trousers. Fortunately his bandmate Buzzoff, who is some sort of creepy giant alien bee, stopped him.

"Axe no! No sex on stage! Do you want to stoop to the Crappy Crew's level?" he demanded.

"Crappy Crew sucks! Axe KILL!" Axe said.

"No, Axe stay here and finish the show," said Buzzoff.

Fortunately, Axe forgot about the live sex act that he was about to perform. Unfortunately, he also forgot about zipping his pants back up.



















The Devil Mama got onstage and she was smokin'! No, I mean really--she was smokin'.

Black Metal Tinkerbell got onstage and she and the Devil Mama started dancing like they do at the Ravishing Woo Woo. The male members of the audience were drooling all over themselves, as were the non-alien members of Death Cheese. Their sound became more dissonant than ever.

I seriously don't know what Anisheru was thinking when she chose this outfit while all the other skanks were at least scantily dressed. Axe Man is hardly the intellectual type! My bet is on her being axed from the show soon.

Officer Sexxi tries to nab her competition

Officer Sexxi was really, really wasted on something called Elzar's 666 Proof Spice Weasel Whiz. She decided that the best way to eliminate her competition was to catch them in a net. Axe Man liked her lack of clothing. He wasn't even paying the least bit of attention to the smokin' devil mama and he certainly hadn't noticed the very concealingly clad Anisheru. But then Bootz took the stage.

Bootz bares all for Axe
Axe has a very short attention span. His attention turned from Officer Sexxi to Bootz. And then back to Officer Sexxi. And then to the Devil Mama and Black Metal Tinkerbell. I was pretty sure he was going to get whiplash, and not even from headbanging. Lammy and Flowering Kudzu jumped up on the stage and distracted him even further by playing a game of nude patty cake. Axe was mesmerized. He turned it into a game of three way patty cake. The idiot audience thought it was all part of the show and were cheering like crazy.

And then Hotsy Totsy unhooked her bra, and it was all over.

Axe now nothing but the enormous pendulous breasts swaying to and fro. Black Metal Tinkerbell and the Devil Mama tried to turn his attention back to them, but Hotsy Totsy knocked them over with her boobs. The show was over. Axe declared Hotsy Totsy the winner of the special date and told her to come back to his cabin with him. The Vogon Prefect got onstage and announced that there would be a poetry reading. Only Beavis and Butthead remained. That creep Yam Man told me that Vogon Poetry was bad for the soul and that Beavis and Butthead could tolerate it only because of their incredible stupidity. Yam Man then tried to cop a feel as he put a "friendly" arm around my shoulder. I clocked him and left the room. Who wants to hear a bunch of stuffy old poetry anyway?

The other girls didn't take very kindly to Hotsy Totsy having Axe Man all to themselves and they decided to crash the party. Officer Sexxi picked the lock. And there they beheld Axe Man, smothered beneath Hotsy Totsy. In her throes of passion she didn't seem to realize that he couldn't breathe with his face jammed between her undulating knockers. But Black Metal Tinkerbell noticed. Either that or she was pissed because she thought that Axe was panting in exstacy. She slammed Hotsy Totsy in the face with a 666-ounce bag of pixie dust.

Hotsy Totsy fell forward onto Axe Man and the other women rolled her off of him. I thought that maybe that Dr. Schitz character should make sure she was still alive. His first remark was "wow, if I could make a cow with an udder like that, think of all the milk it could produce!" He proceeded to put electrodes on Hotsy Totsy's head and listen to her heart before extracting her DNA.

"She'll be fine, she's just going to have to sleep it off," he declared.

"But Axe need her awake for elimination!" Axe demanded.

"Well, there's no time like the present to check the effectiveness of my Ultra Caffeine Energy Injection then," Dr. Schitz said. "Stand back everybody!"

Dr. Schitz should have taken his own advice. When Hotsy Totsy sprung back to life, one of her outsized breasts smacked him in the face and knocked him out. Axe Man didn't seem to notice. He grabbed the suitcase containing the prized golden axes. Under normal circumstances, I'd want one. But since that would mean vying for Axe Man's hand up my skirt, I really don't want one any more.

"First Axe want to say thank you Black Metal Tinkerbell. You rescue Axe from suffocation under Hotsy Totsy giant boobies. You Axe's hero. You get axe first."

"Next, Axe love how Tanya and Xantha go at each other. Girl on girl hot! You come get axes!"

"Axe also like playing three way patty cake with Lammy and Kudzu. You two come get axes."

"Officer Sexxi, Axe like you in uniform, but better out. You come get axe."

"Bootz, Axe think it way hot when you come onstage naked. You come get axe."

"Hottie and Brandi, it cool that you sing with Death Cheese. You come get axes."

"Veronica, Veruca and Hortense, you look hot in outfits. Not enough flash though. Still, you come get axe. Maybe we have orgy later!"

"Anisheru, you show no cleavage. Bummer! But Axe want to see what you have under robe. You come get axe."

"Devil Mama, you smokin'! Axe like your dance. You come get axe."

"Hotsy Totsy, Axe like big jugs. But Axe not like to be smothered! Your time up!"

Hotsy Totsy picked up what I thought was a giant slingshot and tethered her enormous breasts in it before leaving the room. Somehow I didn't think she'd have any trouble finding another victim to smother with her huge gazongas.

In a strange way this was really a lot of fun and I hope Mickey and the FOGNL guys will let me do another one in the future. I want to!

Veruca Salt

Credits: Coop

Dirty Sanchez and Maurice

Now That's Bonin'!
I went to see if Dirty Sanchez and Maurice wanted to go celebrate after a great opening night in their new restaurant "Le Skeleton Romantique," and this is what I found them doing!
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