The Flavor of Arsewipe 16

The Flavor of Arsewipe 16: At the Sex Expo
by Crazed Carla
for The Crappy Times and the FOGNL Network

Greetings, Worms! As a former contestant on the Arsewipe show and an applicant for the FOGNL Extreme Sportscaster position, the network execs wanted to see if I could handle reporting on this gross-fest that is masquerading as a sex show. I said that of course I could handle it, I handled Arsewipe and I lived! Or maybe I didn't. I'm not sure if I've actually been alive for the past 120 years. To any rate, I told them I could certainly take this assignment. I really want this extreme sportscaster job. With Cuzzin Hildy-Bob on maternity leave, I might get a few assignments for the Crappy Times Sports Section too. Hell, doesn't she usually report on stuff like the tractor pull anyway?

When Arsewipe got up on stage with Dirty Sanchez to do a demonstration on the proper use of lubes and the Chocolate Clone A Willy Kit, I suddenly found myself wondering how I ever could have been in that house with that mutant baboon, let alone in his bedroom with him. Fortunately I never actually did much of anything with him. I tried to give him a hand job that one night, but his limp lutefisk couldn't rise to the occasion and, as I later told The Spooky Guy, there wasn't much to get excited over. Well, we all make mistakes I guess. And Dirty Sanchez apparently is no closer to seeing the light about Arsewipe. He's just as enamored of him as he was in the beginning. Hell, even Gary the Axolotl has seen the light, and that's saying something!

Before the demonstration started I ran and got a few empty popcorn bags from the inevitable stale popcorn sales stand in case I needed to hurl. Arsewipe and Dirty Sanchez got up on stage and Dirty, with his skeletal hands clacking from anticipation, dropped Arsewipe's trousers to reveal that the gruesome ghoul was wearing chocolate edible underwear. The thought of Arsewipe's nasty pubes sticking to the edible skivvies made me retch a couple of times but I managed to keep it under control.

Dirty chowed down on the edible drawers and I didn't know whether to laugh or puke. I was glad for The Spooky Guy's sake that he wasn't there. He would have thrown up and then opened a can of whoop ass on Arsewipe, and then would have probably been taken back to jail for the 66 millionth time since being released from servitude as the Devil's latrine cleaner. I like Spooky, but he does have a delicate stomach, so I think it's just as well that he wasn't subject to this.

As I watched in horrified bemusement while Dirty Sanchez began cloning Arsewipe's wee willy using the Chocolate Clone-a-Willy kit, I heard a loathsome sucking sound behind me. At first I thought it was Nosferatu having a little snack on someone's neck, but then I realized that Nosferatu had headed off with Wolfie, probably for a quickie. I looked to the other side and behind me and there I saw it--the Brown Pimpernel giving the Crappy Creep a blow job. At that point I had no choice but to hurl.

Arsewipe then asked Dewey Banjer and Wanker Wamp to come up onstage and join him for the inflatable sex animals and use of lube demonstration. Dirty Sanchez gladly took charge of the lube situation before Wanker had the chance to jump on anyone and decimate their bunghole. I was dying to go see the screening of "Three Way Wrestlemania," the film that I made with the WWF Wannabes and meet King Smut's new stars Harry Potter and uber-MILF Mrs. Robinson. Harry just started making a movie with Marilyn Monroe while Mrs. Robinson is the star of a new XXX series, "Mrs. Robinson's Barely Legal Man-Hunt." Harry Potter will be one of the stars of her youthful male flesh fest. You go, Mrs. Robinson! Yes, I wanted to shake the hand of this heroic woman who gets all the hot young studs she wants, but instead I was stuck viewing an orgy between a pasty Norwegian ghoul, a clanking Mexican skeleton, an unwashed pig fucker and a hideous monstrosity from the nether regions of the Nether World.

"Nosferatu!" Arsewipe shouted. "Come on down and show the audience how good you suck! I got these flavored lubes here, you can pick what kind you want."

I wondered if Wolfie would get jealous, but Nosferatu distracted him by giving him a roast leg of lamb and whispering the words "6,666,666,666 Quatloos" to him before going up onstage. Nosferatu seemed to be putting off the inevitable act by taking a moment to sample each of the lubes straight from the bottle.

"Hey, this cherry one is good," he said. "You should try it on...oh, I don't know, who isn't up here yet? Maybe the Brown Pimpernel?"

"Hey, that's a hot idea, Nossy," Arsewipe said, seeming to forget all about the fact that Nosferatu hadn't yet obeyed his edict to go down on his trouser anchovy. "Pimpernel! Get up here and let me put this stuff on your schlong!"

When Arsewipe surrounded the Pimpernel's schlong with his gruesome lips, I almost missed what happened next because I had to throw up again. But I did see a look of shock on Arsewipe's face.

"Usually a dick does not taste like shit unless it has been in an ass," Arsewipe said. "Whose ass was your dick in, Pimpernel?"

"Nobody's, Arsewipe," the Pimpernel said. "Swear."

"Then how does it taste like shit?"

"Because it's been in shit. Literally. Well, maybe it's been in an ass. I guess talking turds have asses too."

"It's cool, Arsewipe," the Crappy Creep shouted. "He was just showing me how much shit he was willing to get into for the band. He's gonna make a great manager once you're through fucking around with him for your show. Oh, by the way, he really sucks too!"

"Yes, you can say that again," Arsewipe muttered. "Pimpernel, make yourself useful. Go help Dewey give it to that dirty inflatable sheep and the dirty inflatable pig that's been put in a 69. They're really dirty because I have not cleaned them recently. Guess I should get some toy cleaner. Nosferatu! Bring that vibrating Rubber Ducky over here and give me a hand. And that better be a dog hair I see on your mouth and not a werewolf hair!"

The horrifying grunts and groans from the stage got louder as the world's most vile orgy worked to a climax and collapsed on the stage and I filled yet another popcorn bag with vomit. Then Arsewipe stood up and, mercy of mercies, pulled up his trousers.

"I have brought my plungers with me and as I have the remaining cast here with me onstage, I shall do elimination now," he said. "First and foremost, Dirty Sanchez, I'm REALLY feeling your devotion to me. Come on and get your plunger."

"Dewey, the inflatable animal orgy is always a pleasure. Come get your plunger."

"Wanker, as usual, great buggering. But it would be better if I didn't always have to be sure to have someone on hand with lube so you don't rip me a new asshole. Come get your plunger."

"Nosferatu, I know you've been up to lycanthropic liasons, but you outed the Pimpernel's indiscretion. I reward backstabbing. Come get your plunger."

"Pimpernel, you are eliminated from the show. You do not bugger the other members of the band unless I tell you! However, you may now bugger whomever you wish. Tomorrow you start as our manager."

"Thanks Arsewipe," the Pimpernel said. "It's been and will continue to be a pleasure."

It was a pleasure for me to get the hell out of there. I wanted to see if I could catch up to Harry Potter before he took off on his broom. I love the WWF Wannabes, but I sure know where Mrs. Robinson is coming from with her lust for young ass!

Crazed Carla