The Flavor of Arsewipe 7: They'll Show Just About Anything on TV, but This Was Too Much
by The Cheesemeister
Special Guest Columnist for The Crappy Times
Hello folks. Hal Itosis told me that he'd team up with me to help promote my adult products store in the Netherworld, but I had to handle the Flavor of Arsewipe assignment. King Smut is too busy filming his latest sleaze fest, "Gonzo Jizz Jam," and that title speaks for itself. Hal is going to be at an intergalactic mega-merchants convention so...ewwwweeeee!!! I wondered if this mightn't be flying in the face of my loyalty to The Spooky Guy, who is Arsewipe's greatest sworn enemy, but Spooky told me that I should see it as an opportunity to play pranks on Arsewipe and checked my HAZMAT suit multiple times to make sure that I wouldn't be exposed to anything untoward. He then hugged me for a really long time like he was afraid he'd never see me again and I almost called the whole thing off because that had me damn worried. But the next thing I knew the surface-to-sewer transport had arrived and I was off and beginning to wonder how off I really was for having accepted this assignment. And how did I end up partnering with Hal Itosis and King Smut anyway? The turd floating by the window led me to know that I had probably read way too many underground comix such as Pete the Plumber in my youth and made me think that I really should re-assess my crappy choices.
Before I knew it I was at the Sewer Pipe Mansion. I touched the soap flake injector that was strapped to the inside of my suit. Spooky had given this to me to fill Arsewipe's mattress with soap flakes at the earliest possible opportunity. I also had a turd-shaped piece of soap and some lemonade to replace the jar of goat piss in Arsewipe's refrigerator. Yep, I was loaded for bear...er...Arsewipe. And lo and behold, speak of the devil, and there before me stood the ugliest mo-fo I had ever seen. I reminded myself to get Spooky's eyes checked when and if I returned home. The fact that he could have lived with THAT for some two and a half years of his life led me to know that there was definitely something wrong with his vision. Come to think of it, I felt that the next time Necrobutcher visited the Netherworld I should have him make an appointment with Dr. Peepers too, because he was friends with Arsewipe for a lot longer than that. Along those lines, Dr. Fraud might be interested in chatting with him. Maybe that's what years of pot-smoking does for you. It could be an anti-pot campaign in the works.
Arsewipe didn't recognize me inside the Hazmat suit and I introduced myself as Olivia Benson, all-American journalist for the FOGNL network. I really do watch way too much Law and Order. But that's the only show my Uncle Jerry wants to watch whenever I go visit him, and I really don't have much time for TV-watching when I'm at home, so between Law and Order and Star Trek, there really isn't much else. I really wished that Scotty could beam me up at that moment. Arsewipe was fogging up the facepiece of my HAZMAT suit.
"You're ugly but I'd bang you," he said, swatting me on the butt. That was almost it. I nearly shoved the soap turd down his throat. But I had pranks to play and I couldn't let Spooky, Hal, or even King Smut down. That's just the kind of person I am. So I clenched my fist and swore I'd find opportunity to use the can of Whoop Ass I'd brought with me before my time here was up.
Arsewipe said that he'd been given an offer by an adult products company that Hal Itosis had partnered with and that each of the skanks could pick their own method of pleasing him to see who would continue to be on the Flavor of Arsewipe. They could team up or go solo, and they had an hour to get their plans together. He'd be waiting in his suite.
Wanker Wamp went the old fashioned route. He chose condoms and lube and ambled into the suite on his six hand-legs. I heard a lot of sounds I'd never heard before and hoped I'd never hear again. Dewey Banjer seemed really aroused by them.
"Hot damn, that's some pig squealin' thar!" he panted. Next thing I knew he was humping my leg. I resisted the temptation to open the can of Whoop Ass and settled for kicking him in the very nasty bits.
Eva: The Newest Member of Arsewipe's Inflatable Sheep Flock
Dewey was walking kind of funny when he grabbed Eva the Inflatable Sheep to add to Arsewipe's inflatable sheep collection. Jacko was next in line. I felt pretty safe around him, being neither male nor young. I asked what he planned to do.
"I got my Jesus Juice and some nice slippery massage oil," he said. "I think that ought to do the job, don't you, Ms. Benson?"
I excused myself for a quick puke. When I came back, I saw Elizabeth Bathory, who, though a hideous individual is one of the great anti-heroines of history. I wanted to interview her about her horrifying past. What an exclusive that would be--and I'm not even a reporter.
Elizabeth's Secret Weapon
But all she did was shove a Blow Bang 1 DVD in my face.
Elizabeth's Secret Weapon
But all she did was shove a Blow Bang 1 DVD in my face.
"As a reporter, surely you must know the term blow by blow," she said. "Arsewipe and I are going to watch this together and I'm going to re-enact all the scenes. That will be hot, don't you think?"
I muttered that I thought it was getting pretty hot in my HAZMAT suit. I turned on the cooling unit. Four hours went by. I found a television and watched some Law and Order and the Netherworld's answer to Cops. I sure saw a lot of Uncle Jerry. More than I wanted when the criminal that he was chasing went to the Netherworld Nude Beach and he had to be "costumed appropriately" in order to get in. I also saw more than I wanted of Barney Fife and Sheriff Andy.
I didn't even notice that Elizabeth had come out of the room until I saw Crazed Carla going in. Carla came out moments later and, in hushed embarrassed tones, asked if I knew of something that could "raise the dead," so to speak.
"You know, make certain things stand up and take notice when they're lying there like a limp fish," she said.
Carla utilized the erection ring to her advantage to raise Arsewipe's limp weenie. That is NOT Arsewipe's weenie illustrated on the package.
I gave her an erection ring, wished her luck, and told her to please spare me the nauseating details.
We stopped for dinner. I really wasn't hungry. I ate the nutrition bar that I'd brought. It was kind of melted and smooshy from having been inside the HAZMAT suit. Arsewipe kept staring at me and asked if I was going to get out out the HAZMAT suit for a shower.
"No! Fuck off, you sewage-diving pervert!" I snapped.
He said something about me not being very friendly and then started sniffing me. He said that I smelled like his dire enemy, The Spooky Guy. I was really starting to sweat, but that was because I needed to change the batteries on the cooling unit in my HAZMAT Suit. I had an answer ready for him, but I admit I was both disconcerted and disgusted by his sniffing me.
"Well, I might, a little," I said. "I interviewed him before I came down here and he shook my hand. He wears that woodsy-smelling cologne."
"Ya, he smells and looks like a fucking pine tree," Arsewipe said.
Luckily Dirty Sanchez came by so I didn't have to talk to Arsewipe any more.
Dirty Sanchez' Secret Weapon
Dirty had some chocolate body topping in hand. He and Arsewipe went into Arsewipe's suite.I certainly didn't follow them.
Nossy didn't know his plan had already been implemented by Elizabeth, so she got the points for originality
Nosferatu followed a few minutes later with a Sword Swallowers DVD and Arsewipe came out to announce that this was all for the night.
Dirty Sanchez' Secret Weapon
Dirty had some chocolate body topping in hand. He and Arsewipe went into Arsewipe's suite.I certainly didn't follow them.
Nossy didn't know his plan had already been implemented by Elizabeth, so she got the points for originality
Nosferatu followed a few minutes later with a Sword Swallowers DVD and Arsewipe came out to announce that this was all for the night.
"I'll be getting up at the crack of noon tomorrow to continue my sexcapades, Ms. Benson," he said. "I expect you to be up and ready to report then. Good night."
I returned to the surface for a bath, to get new batteries for the cooling unit in the HAZMAT suit, and to spend some time at Ugly Grace's.
"Did you put the soap flakes to his mattress yet?" Spooky asked.
"No!" I said. "He's been on it the whole time and I'll be damned if I'm going to go in there when he's in there. And I can't plant the soap turd or the lemonade until I'm ready to leave for good because he'll know who did it and who put me up to it. And besides that, he started sniffing me, the pervert! He told me I smell like you!"
"Shit! What did you do?"
"I told him I'd interviewed you before I came down there. Then he told me you looked and smelled like a pine tree."
"Well, better than to look and smell like a turd. Here, I buyed for you some perfume because I thought of this after you were already gone. Now you can smell pretty and he won't suspect."
"I don't know. He's got a nose like a bloodhound. And a face like a bloodhound's ass. Maybe we'd better just shake hands this time."
"Well, what the hell you think I apply my aftershave and cologne with, my feet? Fuck it, just give me a hug. Then perhaps you best get back there. Who knows what the slimy fucker might do in the night? He might decide to check if you are still there."
"That's why I brought the extra HAZMAT suit. It's down there pretending to be me."
"All right. Well, know I am thinking of you, Olivia Benson."
The surface to sewer transport arrived and I boarded, back to the literal bowels of hell.
It was a good thing I came back early. Arsewipe had risen at 7 a.m. for breakfast and there was a nauseating gleam in his eye.
"Sorceress," he said, "after lunch today, since you can turn things into other things, I want you to turn the Brown Pimpernel into something special for me. He will love this, and so will I!"
I was pretty sure I knew what he was thinking, and it made me ill on the spot. I ran off for another one of those jolly pukes that everyone who reports on this sickening show talks about.
Arsewipe's first course for the day was to have the Fembot Lammy join him and his pair of inflatable sheep for an artificial sheep orgy. Then Samara came by his suite, an American Cocksucking Championship DVD in hand.
Poor Samara had no idea that two before her had already done the blow by blow job with DVD scenario.
We wonder what porn star Jenteal would think of the fact that Arsewipe had his disgusting schnitzel in a duplicate of her vagina.
When I saw Frilly Froo-Froo's secret weapoon--er--weapon, the Jenteal Realistic Vibrating Vagina I realized that Frilly didn't really want to have sex with Arsewipe, she just wanted to clean him up and make him pretty. I think she really needs to talk to Dr. Fraud and quick about this delusional world she lives in.
Then came the moment of terror. The moment when the Sorceress brought the Brown Pimpernel turned inchworm into Arsewipe's suite. I heard her mumbling ancient, terrible words and I heard Arsewipe clapping his hands with glee. I wanted to run away. But it was like driving by an accident. I had to look. Well, this time, I didn't look. I listened at the door. I thought I knew. But it was too horrible to know. At first Arsewipe seemed to be enjoying whatever it was. But after a few minutes, the I heard the Sorceress saying "Ok, Pimpernel, you can come out now. Pimpernel, come on, come out of there."
"Pimpernel, dammit, this isn't cool any more!" Arsewipe said.
"I can't get him to come out," said the Sorceress.
"Well, dammit, do something! Can't you turn him back into an inchworm?"
"Not unless I can see him."
"Well, can we tempt him out of there somehow?"
"I can try putting some sunflower seeds in there."
"Ugh, no! Never mind! Mortiis! Come in here with that thing you told me about and help me extract this satanic gerbil from my ass!"
Mortiis only chased the gerbilized Pimpernel deeper into Arsewipe's anal cavity when he brought out this device.
Mortiis brought in the Vibrating finger vibe. I heard groans, but not of pleasure. Then I heard a scream.
"Ahhhh! Nooo! You're only chasing him in deeper! Fuck it, we'll have to go see that quack Dr. Schitz!"
"But Dr. Schitz said he refused to see you, Arsewipe," Ann Coulter pointed out.
"He'll have to see me. He took the hypocritical oath, after all. This does not apply to inflatable sheep, but it does apply to sentient life forms."
I restrained myself from pointing out that Arsewipe is neither sentient nor a life form.
We arrived at Dr. Schitz' clinic. Young Dr. Schitz was there minding Dr. Schitz' test tube spawn Anna Nicole. The young Spooky Guy was answering phones, and he had obviously never taken any office management courses.
"Ya, the doctor is in," he said, "but he is with a patient. Call back later."
Young Spooky's eyes went wide with horrified fascination when he saw the parade of skanks, Arsewipe being the biggest skank of all, approaching the desk.
"Ya, the doctor is in, but he is with a patient," he said. "And he does not tend to hideous sewer dwelling mutants."
"Shut up you pine tree smelling Swedish punk," Arsewipe snarled. "He'll have to see me. He took the hypocritical oath."
At that moment young Dr. Schitz gave a pained shriek.
"Fuck! This little monstrosity that is my daughter from the future just bit me on the nose! I don't care what my older self says, I'm not watching the Satan Baby any further today. Come on, let's go tell old me that the horrible sewer dweller is here in the waiting room."
"I know what you little fuckers did the other night," Arsewipe said menacingly.
"Ya, we know too," young Spooky said. "And there is plenty more of soap to be buyed. This is not a criminal activity. Why the fuck you is walking so funny anyhow?"
Young Dr. Schitz flung open the door to the exam room. And there on the exam table lay his older self with his pants around his ankles. Nurse Violent was straddling him, and she wasn't wearing any pants.
"Holy fuck, you old pervert! I am now scarred for life!" young Dr. Schitz cried melodramatically. "Is not one Satan spawn enough for you?"
"I feel like throwing up a hairball for some reason," young Spooky said. "Dr. Schitz, I never wished to see your nasty bits in the first place, and especially not in that way!"
"Dr. Schitz, I demand that you help me," Arsewipe said as he waddled uncomfortably into the room while Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent scrambled to put on their scrubs and HAZMAT suits. "The Sorceress turned the Brown Pimpernel into a gerbil and now he will not come out from my ass. It is your duty to assist me. You did take the hypocritical oath!"
"So I did," said Dr. Schitz. He turned to Nurse Violent. "Please bring me the industrial gloves and the axle grease, my love."
"With pleasure, Darling," Nurse Violent said.
Dr. Schitz donned the industrial gloves and Nurse Violent pried open the bucket of axle grease.
"All right now, Arsewipe," Dr. Schitz said as he drenched his gloved hand in axle grease. "Bend over and drop your trousers. I'm going to have to go deep here, and it will not be pleasant. Full cavity search and believe me, I'm talking Roto Rooter!"
There was a hideous scream from the exam room. There was the sound of hysterical laughter in the waiting room. And Ann Coulter looked strangely aroused. I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder and the adult Spooky Guy, shaking with laughter, leaned against me.
"I near to fucking pissed my pants--that was the funniest God damn thing I ever have seen!" he said. "That is cosmic justice in action, I tell you!"
Ann was very proud of her new toy, but it proved too much for Arsewipe.
As Dr. Schitz held up the Brown Pimpernel by the tail, Ann Coulter rushed into the room wearing the newest shipment from her membership to the Strap On Veterans Dildo Of The Month Club, the 8 inch monster strap on and jammed it home. The adult Spooky Guy covered the eyes of Dr. Schitz' and his younger selves and steered them from the room. A moment later I heard the sound of vomiting in triplicate, two sets of which sounded like a cat throwing up hairballs on the carpet. The rest of us stood transfixed. Dewey Banjer is the one who finally broke the silence when he said "Day-um! Now that there is some pig squealin'!"
Somehow we made it back to the Sewer Pipe Mansion, where Arsewipe delivered the elimination ceremony while seated on about 66 different pillows.
"Next week," he said, "we is going to the amusement park and there shall be no sex toys. And after the eliminations, I shall be soaking my ass in ice for a week."
"First up is Wanker Wamp, who started things off with a bang. I was feeling great then. Wanker, come get your plunger."
"Dewey, you know what I like, and what I like is inflatable sheep. Come get your plunger."
"Jacko, normally I would never drink anything called Jesus Juice, but since it got us in the mood, I was willing to try. Come get your plunger."
"Elizabeth, I liked the blow by blow with the blow job video. Come get your plunger."
"Carla, I thought it was cool that you were willing to give a guy a break when he could only fly the flag at half mast and that you were willing to do what it took. Come get your plunger."
"Dirty Sanchez, that chocolate body paint was the perfect dessert! Come get your plunger."
"Nosferatu, that blow job video was a good enhancement. Come get your plunger."
"Sorceress, I am continually amazed by your magical powers and your willingness to do what I wish. Come get your plunger."
"Mortiis, thanks for trying to get the Pimpernel out of my ass. Come get your plunger."
"Fembot Lammy, your vibrating vagina and sheep's head make me hot for you. Come get your plunger."
"Samara, I know you thought the blow by blow with the blow job video was a hot idea, but it had been done. Still, I can't complain. Come get your plunger."
"Pimpernel, I'm glad you like my ass, but come the fuck out of there means come the fuck out of there! You are forbidden from being a gerbil again while you are in my mansion. I'm a bit reluctant to say this, but come get your plunger."
"Frilly, using a plastic vagina instead of your own? What are you trying to tell me? Still, you worked it pretty good. Come get your plunger."
"Ann, you have to go. You're too much of a man for me. Take your strap-on and find someone else to fuck in the ass. The rest of you, I'm going to go sit in a bucket of ice, so do whatever you want. Your man Arsewipe needs to chill for real."
With that Arsewipe waddled off to his bath to sit in a tub full of ice, forgetting all about trying to expose me. It was easy to fill his mattress with soap flakes and place the soap turd and lemonade in their proper places. And I gleefully returned to the surface, hoping never to be talked into reporting from that shitty place again!
The Cheesemeister
This Sordid Tale brought to you by none other than:
When I saw Frilly Froo-Froo's secret weapoon--er--weapon, the Jenteal Realistic Vibrating Vagina I realized that Frilly didn't really want to have sex with Arsewipe, she just wanted to clean him up and make him pretty. I think she really needs to talk to Dr. Fraud and quick about this delusional world she lives in.
Then came the moment of terror. The moment when the Sorceress brought the Brown Pimpernel turned inchworm into Arsewipe's suite. I heard her mumbling ancient, terrible words and I heard Arsewipe clapping his hands with glee. I wanted to run away. But it was like driving by an accident. I had to look. Well, this time, I didn't look. I listened at the door. I thought I knew. But it was too horrible to know. At first Arsewipe seemed to be enjoying whatever it was. But after a few minutes, the I heard the Sorceress saying "Ok, Pimpernel, you can come out now. Pimpernel, come on, come out of there."
"Pimpernel, dammit, this isn't cool any more!" Arsewipe said.
"I can't get him to come out," said the Sorceress.
"Well, dammit, do something! Can't you turn him back into an inchworm?"
"Not unless I can see him."
"Well, can we tempt him out of there somehow?"
"I can try putting some sunflower seeds in there."
"Ugh, no! Never mind! Mortiis! Come in here with that thing you told me about and help me extract this satanic gerbil from my ass!"
Mortiis only chased the gerbilized Pimpernel deeper into Arsewipe's anal cavity when he brought out this device.
Mortiis brought in the Vibrating finger vibe. I heard groans, but not of pleasure. Then I heard a scream.
"Ahhhh! Nooo! You're only chasing him in deeper! Fuck it, we'll have to go see that quack Dr. Schitz!"
"But Dr. Schitz said he refused to see you, Arsewipe," Ann Coulter pointed out.
"He'll have to see me. He took the hypocritical oath, after all. This does not apply to inflatable sheep, but it does apply to sentient life forms."
I restrained myself from pointing out that Arsewipe is neither sentient nor a life form.
We arrived at Dr. Schitz' clinic. Young Dr. Schitz was there minding Dr. Schitz' test tube spawn Anna Nicole. The young Spooky Guy was answering phones, and he had obviously never taken any office management courses.
"Ya, the doctor is in," he said, "but he is with a patient. Call back later."
Young Spooky's eyes went wide with horrified fascination when he saw the parade of skanks, Arsewipe being the biggest skank of all, approaching the desk.
"Ya, the doctor is in, but he is with a patient," he said. "And he does not tend to hideous sewer dwelling mutants."
"Shut up you pine tree smelling Swedish punk," Arsewipe snarled. "He'll have to see me. He took the hypocritical oath."
At that moment young Dr. Schitz gave a pained shriek.
"Fuck! This little monstrosity that is my daughter from the future just bit me on the nose! I don't care what my older self says, I'm not watching the Satan Baby any further today. Come on, let's go tell old me that the horrible sewer dweller is here in the waiting room."
"I know what you little fuckers did the other night," Arsewipe said menacingly.
"Ya, we know too," young Spooky said. "And there is plenty more of soap to be buyed. This is not a criminal activity. Why the fuck you is walking so funny anyhow?"
Young Dr. Schitz flung open the door to the exam room. And there on the exam table lay his older self with his pants around his ankles. Nurse Violent was straddling him, and she wasn't wearing any pants.
"Holy fuck, you old pervert! I am now scarred for life!" young Dr. Schitz cried melodramatically. "Is not one Satan spawn enough for you?"
"I feel like throwing up a hairball for some reason," young Spooky said. "Dr. Schitz, I never wished to see your nasty bits in the first place, and especially not in that way!"
"Dr. Schitz, I demand that you help me," Arsewipe said as he waddled uncomfortably into the room while Dr. Schitz and Nurse Violent scrambled to put on their scrubs and HAZMAT suits. "The Sorceress turned the Brown Pimpernel into a gerbil and now he will not come out from my ass. It is your duty to assist me. You did take the hypocritical oath!"
"So I did," said Dr. Schitz. He turned to Nurse Violent. "Please bring me the industrial gloves and the axle grease, my love."
"With pleasure, Darling," Nurse Violent said.
Dr. Schitz donned the industrial gloves and Nurse Violent pried open the bucket of axle grease.
"All right now, Arsewipe," Dr. Schitz said as he drenched his gloved hand in axle grease. "Bend over and drop your trousers. I'm going to have to go deep here, and it will not be pleasant. Full cavity search and believe me, I'm talking Roto Rooter!"
There was a hideous scream from the exam room. There was the sound of hysterical laughter in the waiting room. And Ann Coulter looked strangely aroused. I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder and the adult Spooky Guy, shaking with laughter, leaned against me.
"I near to fucking pissed my pants--that was the funniest God damn thing I ever have seen!" he said. "That is cosmic justice in action, I tell you!"
Ann was very proud of her new toy, but it proved too much for Arsewipe.
As Dr. Schitz held up the Brown Pimpernel by the tail, Ann Coulter rushed into the room wearing the newest shipment from her membership to the Strap On Veterans Dildo Of The Month Club, the 8 inch monster strap on and jammed it home. The adult Spooky Guy covered the eyes of Dr. Schitz' and his younger selves and steered them from the room. A moment later I heard the sound of vomiting in triplicate, two sets of which sounded like a cat throwing up hairballs on the carpet. The rest of us stood transfixed. Dewey Banjer is the one who finally broke the silence when he said "Day-um! Now that there is some pig squealin'!"
Somehow we made it back to the Sewer Pipe Mansion, where Arsewipe delivered the elimination ceremony while seated on about 66 different pillows.
"Next week," he said, "we is going to the amusement park and there shall be no sex toys. And after the eliminations, I shall be soaking my ass in ice for a week."
"First up is Wanker Wamp, who started things off with a bang. I was feeling great then. Wanker, come get your plunger."
"Dewey, you know what I like, and what I like is inflatable sheep. Come get your plunger."
"Jacko, normally I would never drink anything called Jesus Juice, but since it got us in the mood, I was willing to try. Come get your plunger."
"Elizabeth, I liked the blow by blow with the blow job video. Come get your plunger."
"Carla, I thought it was cool that you were willing to give a guy a break when he could only fly the flag at half mast and that you were willing to do what it took. Come get your plunger."
"Dirty Sanchez, that chocolate body paint was the perfect dessert! Come get your plunger."
"Nosferatu, that blow job video was a good enhancement. Come get your plunger."
"Sorceress, I am continually amazed by your magical powers and your willingness to do what I wish. Come get your plunger."
"Mortiis, thanks for trying to get the Pimpernel out of my ass. Come get your plunger."
"Fembot Lammy, your vibrating vagina and sheep's head make me hot for you. Come get your plunger."
"Samara, I know you thought the blow by blow with the blow job video was a hot idea, but it had been done. Still, I can't complain. Come get your plunger."
"Pimpernel, I'm glad you like my ass, but come the fuck out of there means come the fuck out of there! You are forbidden from being a gerbil again while you are in my mansion. I'm a bit reluctant to say this, but come get your plunger."
"Frilly, using a plastic vagina instead of your own? What are you trying to tell me? Still, you worked it pretty good. Come get your plunger."
"Ann, you have to go. You're too much of a man for me. Take your strap-on and find someone else to fuck in the ass. The rest of you, I'm going to go sit in a bucket of ice, so do whatever you want. Your man Arsewipe needs to chill for real."
With that Arsewipe waddled off to his bath to sit in a tub full of ice, forgetting all about trying to expose me. It was easy to fill his mattress with soap flakes and place the soap turd and lemonade in their proper places. And I gleefully returned to the surface, hoping never to be talked into reporting from that shitty place again!
The Cheesemeister
This Sordid Tale brought to you by none other than:
Top Shelf Adult. Where we have plenty of great videos starring hot guys that look NOTHING like Arsewipe!
